Just Sad....Realizing How Much I Have Changed

[pandora]

I used to have a best friend.

I have not seen her in about two and a half years. I was a bridesmaid in her first wedding..we had our children six weeks apart, divorced at the same time and we went to nursing school together..GOD that was in 1991...We also worked in the community together.

She is working, living in a beautiful home..right beside her very supportive parents. I was just on facebook and pics of her second marriage were posted. She looks soooooo happy! I am happy that she found someone, they look really happy...

She and I just stopped talking....I started isolating, she was taking care of her two daughters...they all looked beautiful and happy! I feel really sad about this and jealous all at the same time. She had a very supportive family///they were always nice to me too....She was so lucky to have them to help her, she has raised her daughters on her own for twelve years. I cannot get over how mature and grown the two are. And again I feel jealous.....

I just want to ball.....:dontknow:

 

[kers]

I understand, pandora, and I've felt that way often, as I think you know. Keep in mind that things like Facebook, part of that is people projecting a certain image. Her life seems great because that's what she's putting up there. It doesn't include fights with hubby or frustrations with daughters or self-doubt or whatever.

Still, it hurts to feel like you've been left behind or like you're missing out on something others have. I know that well.

 

[pandora]

Thanx Kers...it makes me feel thrown away, as others have done in my past.

That is the part that really hurts....I also see someone who had such a better opportunity than me....no wonder she succeeded and I failed.....that sucks! She truly looks happy...I know she is doing an awesome nursing job and is making really good money. I had the career...now I do not. Wow...I am having a poor me day...My back is screwed, I have a disability now, so does my son, I am really alone in this world. The negative thinking is kicking me in the butt again...I am too upset to even positive self talk myself. I think I am grieving my losses but there seem to be too many to know what one is keeping me stuck!

 

[pandora]

My anxiety is relentless tonight...I think all of the stress is making my symptoms worsen.......

PMS....yep, that does not help. I swear it makes the symptoms worse.

Does anyone else have this problem???

 

[liv now]

Hi. I really feel for you. PMS intensifies my symptoms really badly. I become so hypervigilent and moody and irrational in my thinking. I don't find it easy to regulate myself and my emotions when I have pms and usually end up triggering myself and feeling futile. I just keep telling myself this will pass and then get pissed off with myself for not having the patiene to wait til it passes. Sorry I do not have any suggestions to help but I do feel for you. take care.

 

[pandora]

I know there HAS to be and are better days to come...I need to live in today and it could be worse. There...some positives. Add insomnia and irrational becomes ridiculous!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand,

Reading this, and seeing your questions about PMS.... I have to tell you...Before I entered Menopause, I was crazy!!!!! My PTSD symptoms plus PMS had me an absolute crazy person 3 weeks out of 4 every month. Yes, I do believe that PMS/hormones can and do exacerbate our PTSD symptoms....

Then I hit Peri menopause and things, got better with some symptoms, and worse with others..... It was awful to say the least. Anxiety was the one that really heightened for me. But, since being in menopause, things have quieted down tremendously........Now, after 16 years with hotflashes/nightsweats......I am so done with these. I just wish they would GO AWAY!!!!!!!


You are also mourning the life that you could have had....Pretty normal, when something triggers you to think. Just don't let it take you down the path of no return. Your life is what it is, and as lousy as it may seem, it's yours. You need to do whatever you can to heal yourself, and to try and make your life as best as you can for your son and yourself. It will never be perfect, but it can be the best that you can make it.......No one has a perfect life, everyone has skeletons and secrets that they hide....

 

[pandora]

I know...I hate these days! Woke up and just started yelling but I caught myself....and apologized to the kids for yelling then just broke down crying. I do feel like a crazy person today......

Thank goodness it is only a week out of the month but three...uugghhh...How did you ever make it through????

The negative thinking and freaking out over messes in the house...I guess it is a good thing that I have been yelled at like this by my own Mom and I see the look in his eyes and I do not want to yell and make him feel like I felt AS A TEENAGER...

 

[Mina]

Pandora, I find PMS makes my PTSD symptoms much worse as well.

Question - do you have your tubes tied? I got mine done about 3 years ago, and noticed that afterward, PMS and my cycle were much worse. More PMS symptoms with greater severity, way more painful cramps, heavier periods, etc. My gyno never told me about any of this before I had it done, but per my GP apparently it isn't uncommon for PMS to "increase in intensity" after tubal ligation...I found all kinds of studies about it after the fact. 'Course, I probably still would have had it done. Just would have been nice to know certain aspects could get worse.

By the way, I also get really bummed out when I compare myself to my successful friends. I have been avoiding facebook for a while in part because of that (and in part because almost everyone I know on there has kids, and I don't, and all they talk about is kids and I'm not interested).

 

[Deleted member 541]

Mina,

That's really interesting about having your tubes tied, and having really bad periods....I had my tubes tied when I was 21, my periods were absolutely awful, heavy bleeding and severe cramping. PMS was also so bad, like I said before, I felt crazy for 3 weeks out of 4 every month....

 

[pandora]

Last night at that time...yep. I was having a huge pitty party for myself and put it under chat ptsd because I feel like it is a symptom to go up and down like that and sharing how I feel was what I was doing. I was reaching out as to not feel so alone.

Now today...I wrote about it last night and right now I do not feel so bad and actually had a good day, after a day of retail therapy...worked wonders. So I guess I need to remember to write the word vent at the beginning of the post.

 

[pandora]

I do not have my tubes tied but that is very interesting info as well..thank you Mina!

Sorry to hear it did not work that way for you She. Fortunately my actual cycle is not that bad at all it is more the emotional symptoms that I feel. Most days..I can pull it together but the days the anxiety gets that bad and the overthinking takes over, the negative overthinking....it shakes me up. It is hard to remember that tomorrow will be a better day and this too shall pass, the only thoughts are and were and I am sure will continue to be...this sucks and I hate the way my life turned out. Now today, I know I have more work to do and have to just keep working hard at having better days....we all have I am sure looked at others lives and have felt jealous or miss people that used to be a huge part of their life, especially after being triggered with photos.

I also feel like it was the ptsd and I was going through trauma therapy, intense.... when we let our friendship go and really missed her after seeing the photos. That was when every day was a bad day and I had no understanding of this illness. Probably about the time that I started here in this forum. It helps to know others experience such rapid changess in mood and that I really am not going crazy.