Angry At Therapist

[DiamondBug]

I've had a 2 weeks break in therapy because of a therapists holiday. I am so nervous about seeing him again. Everything has been so on top of me, I feel like I am just going to walk in and explode on him. Or maybe I just won't be able to speak at all. I wasted my last session because I was that upset he was going away, I couldn't talk to him because I couldn't leave myself open for 2 weeks. I have wrote in a diary but my feelings are so much more complex than what I can write. I feel like I'm going close myself off next session but I really can't afford to because I only have 2 session until I go on holiday and we can't have therapy for another 2 weeks. There's too many things I need to discuss. I'm starting to panic. He is going to feel like a stranger to me. It's going to be like learning to trust him all over again. A lot of people have walked out of my life, so I worry.
I feel like I can't just walk in like I'm so f*cking mad at you, you left me when I really need you, I had no where to turn, everyday I was in tears, I don't care if you didn't leave me over "triggering times" I was still suicidal, I have been in silence for two weeks, so now you've waltzed back in my life you better f*cking show me what happiness is.
I'm so mad, upset, hurt.
I don't know why, it makes me hate myself, because I want my t to be happy and not feel guilty for have "me time", but when I have no quality of life it's hard not to be selfish.
I just am really stressed about it all, it's going to be such a huge relief to see him, but I'm scared.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Goodness I know this feeling so well. I felt like this last June and then I had a major medical set back with the injuries I sustained in my trauma. Took me 5 months of hell to recover from that and we discussed it many many times.

If I could do it over again I would have a new therapist during those weeks and have someone to support me while he's gone. If nothing else just talk about these huge feelings of abandonment.

Your T is probably expecting you to explode with emotion on him over his leaving. This is common even with clients that aren't particularly triggered or traumatized.

Also, can you do a phone session while you are out on holiday? Or at least email contact?

 

[mrsmegan]

I know those feelings as well and am actually going through that a bit myself as T has been out sick.

For me, what is helpful is to acknowledge, both to myself and him, that I FEEL like he left me. I know he actually didn't. I know that he doesn't have any negative feelings towards me, but I still have these huge emotions that I need to process.

I have been trying really hard to not project my own hurt on to him - or others. It's okay to have these feelings, but I have to own them and not place them on someone else.

All this to say - it's okay to feel how you are, but recognize the truth of the situation. Easier said than done most of the time.

((hugs)) if you accept.

 

[DiamondBug]

Goodness I know this feeling so well. I felt like this last June and then I had a major medical set back w...

Thanks for your reply. I don't know why I have this feeling, but it's like I'm not worth people's time. I don't want to feel like I'm being entitled and for people to think I'm overreacting. I know that may sound silly.

Last time he went away I kept it all in, but I'd only just met him. This time I'm going to try and be as open as possible with him about all this.

I would love to be able to email him if it got too much on holiday, because I feel that way I'm not taking up his time as much as If I phoned him. I might see if I can email him on my therapy day, because I wouldn't feel guilty that way I don't think. Thank you.

 

[DiamondBug]

I know those feelings as well and am actually going through that a bit myself as T has been out sick....

Thanks for your reply. It's really helpful for me to hear this from people, it just reminds you that you're not alone, even though I wish no one had to feel like this. I'm going to try and be open with my t about it, I hope I can stir up the courage! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 34328]

This is really hard! Actually hard is a huge understatement.

Feelings are feelings. They're there for a reason. There is nothing to be ashamed of. What you do with them makes a difference.

Abandonment is a huge issue for me. Part of my trauma. My therapist knows that. He goes away for about 7 weeks in the summer - sometimes more. I know he needs it. I find that I tend to withdraw from him. I begin to suppress my emotions and so when he comes back mid summer, I find it very difficult to let down. I feel as though if I do that, I'm only going to be left again.

Yes, I do get angry at times when he's gone, but depending on what's going on, I also become very emotional anticipating the departure. A lot of what you're struggling with is anticipatory anxiety. It's horrible isn't it. Imagining what might happen instead of what has or will. I'm an expert on that. I have so many thought record charts just to help me put in a real answer to counter what I'm anticipating.

I would say for you, you're afraid you're going to blow up at him... answer would "so what?" he's a therapist. He can handle it. What if you freeze and cry.. again... "so what?"

Much easier said than done. As has already been mentioned, perhaps establishing a form of support that would comfort you and keep closer contact would be really good. I think using email would be great. You could express exactly what you're feeling. Just make sure you also establish what type of response to expect so you won't be disappointed, or feel unheard, rejected or even let down AGAIN. That's important.

My therapist has asked me the same question. I have yet to answer. He asked how can he better support me when he's away. I don't really know what to respond, but he is waiting for an answer. He's going away for the last few weeks in March. My one other support person has gone to Barbados for the next 6 weeks. I won't have anyone here at all. So I guess in some ways I'm in the same boat. Dreading his departure. Grieving the loss of my friend. She's only gone for 6 weeks or so, but it feels like forever since she just left last week.

I hear you.