General So Confused.....i Left

[Roz]

I have met someone 7 months ago who advised me on our first date that he had PTSD but the discussion did not go into great detail. The PTSD is a result of his career.
I am a compassionate and nurturing person and I liked this man so decided to see him again and a relationship developed.
I read information about PTSD and asked him questions so that I could better understand him.
When we met, he was working full time and had been doing so for 5 months but only a month later, he took time off and then never returned.
Since then I have struggled to understand his life and "him". He is a lovely guy and we have many things in common but over time, I began to wonder what part of him is PTSD and what part is him. It is difficult when you didn't know the person pre PTSD.
He is heavily medicated and is so fearful of stress and anxiety that he often takes extra medication to settle him or to basically knock him out. There is a lot of sleeping. He is never angry and has always been a very gentle sort of person, albeit a bit different.
I notice sometimes that he is not really "present" or seems highly anxious and talks a lot about "what if's" and "wouldn't that be a good idea" and they are usually really random and unrealistic ideas.
He is not supposed to drink but, understandably any man wants a drink at some point but he drinks too much in my opinion which only adds to his generally feeling of sluggishness.
He has put on a lot of weight and is reluctant to get out and exercise yet continues to overeat and it's not very healthy food.
I am not asking that he gets a job or becomes a GI Jo but I do find it difficult that he does not really do anything. Even if he tidied his own house.....repair a few things........a small sense of achievement would be good..........right?
I am so confused because I keep going back to the fact that if he could work full time for a good length of time, how are you suddenly incapable of much at all?
There is a lot of sleeping and a lot of tv watching, eating and talk of intentions to do things that don't come to fruition.
He is heavily reliant on his mother who treats him like a child and although I understand their bond must be very strong given the battles he has faced in recent years especially, it seems abnormal to me. She seems to want to keep him a child so that she can continue to play the role of mother.
He has often made plans to see me but simply not turned up or called and doesn't understand why this upsets me to the point that it does.
He is totally unaware of his personal hygiene and appearance and I struggle to politely point out that he might need a shower or to brush his teeth etc. His clothes are often dirty and basically, he looks dirty. I honestly don't think he is aware of this.
I feel I really have tried to be understanding and supportive but I must admit I don't think I can ever understand this situation because I question if he can do more, try harder or if he is doing the best he can.
He seems solely reliant on medication and I don't see any evidence of him seeking help elsewhere. He says he is over seeing counsellors/psychologist etc.
In past relationships I have given so much of myself to help the other person and have ended up empty. I am very cautious of doing this again.
He is very happy to have me in his life as I don't really bring any problems or baggage. Yet, for me, I am working around many issues related to his PTSD that cause disruption and stress to my life.
I have been very clear about my thoughts and concerns and have asked questions in trying to understand his life. He has always been willing to answer them.
He sees a future together and wants to get married.
I see a future as me replacing his mother who comes up regularly to clean his house and realistically, baby him. I see myself with someone who will sleep in, watch tv, sleep, might go out and might do a few other things but basically is stagnant and will over medicate when he feels the need. Reading over this, I sound harsh but I have to look very closely at what is before me in order to decide if this relationship can work.
I feel I am being selfish in wanting to almost save myself. I have come close to ending our relationship several times and I have now ended it after having more "issues" become clearer recently. There seems to be a total lack or responsibility for his own actions. Can someone please help me. Is this his PTSD or is it him and how can I work this out?
I feel I have abandoned him in doing what is right for me. If I honestly felt he was trying to help himself even in some small way, I would feel there is hope. Then I wonder if he is capable of doing more or is this the best he can do.
He says he is there for me as much as I am there for him but he is not. I have been let down many many times. PTSD or him? I don't know.
I would really appreciate insight from people in similar situation.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Roz As I read your post, it seems you already know the answer. I'm not being mean, it's just that it's my sense you are very aware of what's going on with this relationship and aware of your needs.

Is it PTSD or him? Who knows and it really doesn't matter because you know his behavior now. Is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Remember this very important fact. You cannot change him. Your love cannot change him. You may support him and be his best cheerleader but you will never change him. He must change himself....if he wants to.

Although I knew my sufferer had severe trauma before we married, the fallout from her CPTSD didn't occur till after we married. I stay because I honor our wedding vows. It is who I am. However, if I knew then what I know now, I would never have gone down this road. I've been dealing with this fallout for many years. I hope and pray every night it will get better.

I think you read as much of our stories here and we will help you the best we can but at the end of the day you must ask yourself: Is this the life I want to live?

Take care.

 

[Glara]

I might be able to guess whether it's him or ptsd but my question is, does it matter?

 

[Sighs]

I feel I have abandoned him in doing what is right for me.

As the insightful @Friday says - you can only abandon children and animals. He's a grown man. If the relationship is not what you want from a relationship why pursue it? It won't make either of you happy.

 

[Nessa7]

You wouldn't be writing this if you didn't know that it was best for you to leave him.

Your post gives me the impression that he is going to continue to deteriorate. He is abusing his medication and alcohol. He is not seeking treatment. Some things in your post give the impression that he possibly would receive additional diagnoses that would need to be addressed by a professional. While he is happy being in a relationship with you, that relationship is not enough to save him.

 

[Freedomfighter]

You wouldn't be writing this if you didn't know that it was best for you to leave him.

Your post gives...

Yeah, agree with that asessment, some patients get lost in PTSD, it is not them that leave, it is actually them not being able to tolerate this illness and they try to run away from it. The alcohol and drug issue need to be treated, that is holding him back big time. The mother problem could only be fixed if he moves and does not leave a forwarding address. It is very common for sick parents to pretend they love their kids and many have a sickening interest in their kids, have seen vicious moms do that to little toddlers. Apparently it seems to be a big problem in our society that somehow many parents seem to think they have sexual rights toward their own kids, will hide those symptoms, will play the concerned parent.

If you are with a PTSD patient you will learn what is acceptable and will learn which signs are dangerous to you and your partner. He has dangerous signs that endanger not only himself but also you. Perhaps you could receive counseling to clear up questions.

 

[Roz]

Wow, thank you all so much for your responses. Being new to this site, I didn't know what to expect but being in touch with people who really understand what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who has PTSD is so very helpful.
You have all pointed out what I really know deep down but have been trying avoid by finding another solution that does not emotionally hurt my partner.
I would not be doing him any favours by staying in the relationship because it works for him. It would destroy me in all honesty and then, no one is happy.
Ultimately it is his decision if he can try to improve his life and as much as I have tried to help, I can not do this for him. He says I over react to little things. I do not call over medicating and excessive drinking little things. I must look at what is clearly in front of me and be realistic.
Your thoughts are much appreciated.

 

[awayhome06]

You are not abandoning him and you are under no obligation to be his caretaker.
As someone who has put herself in that position out of love and obligation, I highly recommend (and give you the permission you seem to be asking for) that you let this relationship go.
I am not judging, and am not in a position to believe me, but I think you may be engaging in wishful thinking that he will change his behavior and be the person you need and want *if you do certain things to allow for it*. From a great deal of experience, it doesn't work that way. You can't fix him. NO amount of love and understanding will make someone choose to be better and healthier, they have to want it for themselves, and it sounds like he is already engaging in a codependent relationship with his mother.
The way that he is behaving now, whether it is his full capacity because of his illness or because of him as a person, is not meeting your needs. Unless you are willing to live that way long term, which it doesn't sound like you are (and shouldn't, for the record), you gotta let him go.
For me it has been helpful to express that I have certain needs and that they aren't negotiable and that while I love my husband dearly and want him to be happy and healthy, the choices he is making are not in line with having a healthy relationship and for me to live a healthy life.
I wish you luck.

 

[GrayOwl]

He probably has a better chance of recovery if you do leave.
That may sound absurd or mean, but your enabling just allows him to continue his bad habits,
of which he seems fully determined to do, and well engrained in their use.
It's called "detaching with love".
It doesn't mean you don't care for him. It doesn't mean No Contact - at least not yet.
It just means that you've learned that the best thing for him is for him to stand up on his own two feet and pull his trousers up and be a man all on his own.
If he won't do it for himself and for his own survival, he certainly won't do it for anyone else.
Probably not even you.
We bare responsibility for our own well being - not the well being of others - despite how badly our empathic powers lead us to do so.
If you can't do the emotional detachment thing (it IS a difficult skill to master) and still be around him, then you probably need to move on.
I wish you both well - but especially you in your quest and future endeavors.
You have a good heart. Protect it by finding a healthy relationship FOR YOURSELF! You deserve it !!!
(I know. Hard to find, isn't it?)
But they are out there.
Take care.