Lesser Dissociation?

[Iyllsa]

I've had this feeling before and I think it's happening again. I don't know how to explain it other than as a lesser form of dissociation maybe?

I basically just feel like.. not me. I don't know really who I am, what I'm doing here, how I got here(not physical/literal here.) It's an empty feeling where my body goes about its day and I'm maybe.. a few inches behind in a fog.

Mirrors or anything that shows me, they throw me off. I know, logically, that it's me because you grow up figuring out that when you move, so does the reflection... but it throws me off nonetheless. It gets confusing.

It should be me, but it's familiar. I get almost captivated with it. I'll sometimes find myself staring at my face and feeling the face is foreign..

I don't know. I just feel lost, in a fog, empty. I don't know how to come back from this.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

First, lyllsa, welcome to the forum! It sounds like you're in the right place. That's not lesser dissociation, that's dissociation. There are a few different types of of dissociation, and it sounds like you suffer from depersonalization, I believe. I suffer from derealization, so I feel like I'm real, but nothing - and no one - around me is.

I only found out recently that this isn't how everyone else feels! :)

 

[Iyllsa]

First, lyllsa, welcome to the forum! It sounds like you're in the right place. That's not lesser di...

Hello Mal Content, thank you and thank you for telling me that. I did not know that was a form of depersonalization. I have experienced both depersonalization and derealization.(I didn't even know there were different types until I spoke about it with my therapist!)

The reason I called it "lesser" was because it felt like the it wasn't as severe as my previous experiences and I've only experienced that "severity" a few times in my life though they typically last longer.

Another question I have, and something new that I've noticed, is do you ever get moments where you're... back but when you "come back" you get maybe a heavy amount of sadness, for a quick second, then it's almost like your brain doesn't want to let you get sad so you end up being put back into a dissociated state?

I noticed that throughout the week as I became closer to "here" I'd have more and more moments where Id' be present and on the verge of crying before slipping back into dissociation.

Finally tonight I feel like I'm present completely but as I was "coming back" it was just wave after wave of sadness and crying and a bit of anxiety until I finally let it all out and could function again.. So glad I was already home.

The aftermath makes sense to me considering what dissociation does for us and why it happens but I'm curious if you or others have had similar experiences? I actually rarely come back crying haha. Only the last couple ones.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've been finding myself spending more and more time dissociated the last few months because I'm so tired of my present sadness. I know that we are supposed to be striving to be present, but sometimes I just need a break from reality. :(