Relationship Full Of Ptsd

[FullOfHope]

Ok, so here we go!
Hello all, I'm new here. I guess I'm looking for some words of wisdom.

I guess I will give a little background on my PTSD. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD after an ex of mine assaulted me. I grew up in an abusive household with lots of turmoil, trama, and abuse. Didn't date much but found my way into a relationship that consisted of the same stuff for 6 years.

Moved 1000 miles for myself. To start fresh from my mostly abusive family and ex. I dated quite a bit but my PTSD was a problem. I could not get close to anyone without fear of being hurt and abandoned. I decided to start therapy and it helped quite a bit but I last June found the most AMAZING man on the planet. I honestly felt like I was running behind a truck and stumbling and being drug but I would get up and run after it. I kept trying and he reluctantly did too. I was always very communicative about why I felt I was acting the way I was, such as I would get overly upset if he hurt my feeling and tell him to leave my house. I would call him as soon as my fight or flight would let me get my head again an apologize. Fast forward to we found out I am pregnant. He was excited, me....well not so much. I was scared. I was raped by my ex and ended up pregnant. I ended up having an abortion VERY earlier so please no judgment there, I did what I felt was best.

Anyway I continued to struggle with my fears in other ways, we would fight and then I would have a break though. Eventually I put my all into it and I have fully committed to him and really am all in, no trying to run anymore. rewind a minuet to finding out that we are expecting, he also got a promotion to foreman in his company at the same time. Also he is a combat veteran with PTSD. (aren't we a pair) Anyway right after we found out about the baby and his promotion, was his birthday. Well we went out to dinner and I told him I would put $100 to birthday dinner for his present. Well he owed his mom money so we put his moms order on our tab and he paid the difference. Well the waiter sort of sucked but it was busy and the bartender didn't help much, but needless to day he wanted to give a bad tip. I was like that is not fair. (it was a very small amount) His words to me were when you pay the bill you can decide what to tip....... I was like whaaaatttt??? anyway I didn't fight with him, but was mad.

Ever since around all this happening, he has become verbally abusive, I call him on it and he will change and try different ways to verbally abuse me. Things like he will tell me he loves me, then when he is mad, tell me he doesn't love me. He invited me to his moms house and I could tell that he didn't want me to go, 15 mins before we were supposed to leave he started a fight with me and told me his family hates me, and he shut his truck door on my legs, and raised his fist like he was gonna punch me. About a week later we talked and he said that he thinks he is afraid to love me. (his ex cheated on him) he admitted that his family would love me if he wanted them to. So we had agreed that we need to be a united front with them but since he still does not include me on anything with them.

He now no longer verbally abuses me really but he just will not talk to me if he is upset, and I NEVER know when he is upset. I barely get any time with him, we have gotten hardly anything for the baby..... we had been doing really well and had planned to spend some time together on the weekend and he fell off the planet again. even turned his phone off.....he just ignores me. I have explained to him that this is disrespectful and controlling and this baby and I deserve better.

Now I know, he stood by me through my stuff but he refuses to get help. I have set a boundary, but I really am at the end of my rope. Ever since he raised his fist to me my nightmares are back, I don't sleep well. Now after this last weekend I started having anxiety attacks and I feel my PTSD coming back.

I am trying really hard to be strong and support and love him....but I don't even feel like he is trying... I should be better about this.....

 

[Beemo3780]

You don't have to stay, especially since you traveled 1000 miles to get away from that type of relationship. There are plenty of people in the world that will treat you right. I get annoyed with the PTSD excuse for treating people bad. I have PTSD and I don't treat my husband like crap. If I am having a flare up of emotions, I let him know that, and then I go running, or read a book, or paint. Anything that I can put my energy into until I get my emotions under control.

I also am concerned that you are bringing a baby into an unhealthy situation. Babies make sane people crazy because of the lack of sleep, money, etc. It might get worse.

 

[FullOfHope]

You don't have to stay, especially since you traveled 1000 miles to get away from that type of relati...

I am not asking for anyone's opinion on my baby. That is done, there is nothing I can do about it now. He did not show his ptsd in our relationship before we found out I was pregnant. His triggers had to do with loud noises, and flashbacks, not treating me like he's afraid to love me. This is new for us, I'm the first person he's loved since his divorce.

 

[Snowflakes]

I understand your story and I understand his. Somehow, someway, I truly believe that couple counseling would help. A therapist well trained in PTSD would help both of you with the illness and, by going together, give you both coping skills to help each other move forward. I wish you and your family well. Take care.

 

[FullOfHope]

I understand your story and I understand his. Somehow, someway, I truly believe that couple counseli...

Thank you, he unfortunately will not go, I have asked him to. I plan on going again to help me hoping it will help us. It just seams he blames me for everything, and if he doesn't the he won't explain what is going on.

last Wednesday, he bought me some maternity clothes.... I mean men generally don't do those type of things, so I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated him doing that, and how sweet it was. We had dinner and I fell asleep on his lap and his hand on my belly watching TV. When we finally made it to bed he cuddled with me throughout the night. To me it was perfect..... then he didn't talk to me for 5 days (we don't live together as we are both in leases). I just don't know what to do with that but cry.

Thank you so much for your encouragement though. I really hope we can figure this all out for not just our baby, but also for us. I think we both deserve to be happy.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Thank you, he unfortunately will not go, I have asked him to. I plan on going again to help me hopin...

Have you guys thought about relationship counseling? A child will place immense stress on any marriage, but if there is any type of abuse before the child arrives you owe it to yourself and your child to get into a better situation, that situation may get better within the relationship with counseling or it may mean that you have to remove yourself from that relationship.

If there is physical abuse involved then it gets tough. I do not tolerate loud noises well and baby noises are stressful to people, but to a person with PTSD that is already showing physical abuse, whew, that is a tough one....

 

[FullOfHope]

Have you guys thought about relationship counseling? A child will place immense stress on any ma...

If you read my responses above, he will not go..... I have already asked him awhile ago.

 

[Beemo3780]

Does he go to his own therapist for his issues? You can go for yourself, but relationships take work from both people or they aren't going to work out. I know from my own personal experience that after a baby comes into an already not so good situation, it can get really bad. Lack of sleep, tension from having a baby crying all the time. It's tough on one PTSD sufferer to deal with a baby, let alone two. You have to be able to give up a lot of yourself and your needs for that baby too.

My ex husband used to buy me gifts too, he bought me maternity clothes, but then turned around and tried to push me down stairs. His big thing was to buy me roses and send them to my work so everyone would see, and expect me to forgive him for whatever he did at that moment. I had to attend domestic group therapy before and a lot of those ladies' stories were very similar to mine,

 

[FullOfHope]

Does he go to his own therapist for his issues? You can go for yourself, but relationships take work...

I think I have said multiple times that he will not go to therapy.

I am a product of a abusive household. No one has ever bought me presents, he does not send things to my work to show off to the world, and then hit me at home. He gets angry and mostly says things, then apologizes later. He wanted to leave in his truck and I was in the way. I know that this is no excuse and I have told him this. We had a long talk last week and he says he does not know why he is being so selfish, and he does not like himself right now. But we are working together as hard as we can to not let my hormones or either of our PTSD get in the way of our future. Obviously things will be ok until we fight. I think we had an opportunity yesterday and we did good. The only way my ptsd got better was me being aware of what I was doing and consciously trying to change my actions. I'm not fixed, but I function better, that's all I am asking for.
appears I am in a boat all my own with this. I have a lawyer, I am not nieve to the fact of things may not work out. He knows I have a lawyer. if things go bad, I will protect the baby. I think it has finally hit him after 7 months of it only getting worse and me trying to be supportive that I am done, and he needs to work harder, we have a baby on the way. He works hard at his job, so I try to give him plenty of down time.
Thanks to the ones that read my original post and were able to offer support.