I think I have complex PTSD because of unsafe childhood, unsafe marriage, divorce and loss of health and home, then a single incident big T. Single incident big T has medical (health, doctors) and mental heath (social worker, therapist) components. Can't say more. I then saw a therapist for many years who was incompetent and reinforced the big T. Saw no therapist for year. Tried to find a new one for year and had many, many bad experiences. Finally, drive a long distance to a larger urban. Had bad experience with the big group there. Left. At my doctor's urging, went back to the big group because they are the only ones around here with an experienced trauma therapist in my HMO. Got in line to see her. Started getting to know her but always had to have my daughter with me at first.
This therapist is experienced with EMDR and has treated many kinds of clients with severe trauma, but she has never treated one who has an intense fear of therapists and is triggered by them. (That would be me.)
Have done one EMDR session. Thought we were going to stick with one simple, less horrible target, my previous therapist (will call her B) who mistreated me in many ways, including unethical ways. But B seemed kind so I chose to ignore the red flags and keep seeing B as I got worse and worse. Between my big T and the years with this unethical therapist, I am extremely destabilized just walking in the door of my new therapist's (will call her A) clinic. I did prep with her for 2 months. Mostly trying to get to trust her.
After the EMDR session Monday I was a wreck. I don't even remember most of it. I do remember ending up being prompted to describe a more recent trauma related to B, caused by B and her idiot ideas about how to treat trauma. When time ran out, I was still in that horrible place.
We tried "change the channel" which my daughter tries with me after every session. We go somewhere before we go home. Went to a couple of stores. Went home. Problem with home is I experienced things directly related to my big T in my house. So my house can be triggering. Went home. Woke the next morning a disaster. Sharp pain in center of chest. Tiny spot and very sharp. Tried to get up and use some DBT skills to function. Found myself unable to focus to follow one for more than a few seconds. Continued to deteriorate.
Terrified to call A because of deeply ingrained belief that she is going to harm me just as everyone else has, particularly in the instance of the big T in which a mental health person I trusted harmed me. And degraded me and stole myself and replaced me with garbage.
She may harm me. My daughter is concerned, too, because every other mental health person I have asked for help has harmed me. I guess I should add that I am in a Medicaid HMO in rural area and the mental healthcare options for me STINK. I tried for a year and people were either no help or treated me like garbage. That's why I drive so far to see A.
I don't remember exactly what happened to my brain. My daughter decided to call A to leave a message. A actually picked up the phone and tried to talk to me. She tried to figure out what was wrong. I was terrified of her. My brain shut down. Like a circuit breaker switched and the electricity turned off. A talked to my daughter. I don't remember much after that. Eventually somehow I was able to function. Oh, I do remember talking to a peer support person on the phone. Someone I met who is near A's clinic. They have a lot of resources in that area we don't have here.
My poor daughter spent the whole day trying to take care of me. Trying to distract me. Trying to figure out how I am going to survive when she is at work. She put together a box with water and snacks and the phone with the peer number and put it by the chair in the living room and a note that says, "You don't have to do anything."
I am fighting the urge to run away. I am fighting the urge to end it all. I am terrified that the system is going to get me again and torture me again.
How do you see a therapist to help you recover from being traumatized by a therapist and then retraumatized by one who didn't believe you and re-exposed you again to the same people to show you they really weren't so bad as you thought. I can't explain that more right now. It would be too triggering.
I see no end to this. I see months or years of going once/week to 50 minutes of therapy and then suffering alone. Since my divorce and having to move, it's just me and my daughter. And she has had it. So I mostly suffer alone.
I think I would do better if I just stuffed this all back where it was and tried to go on and get a life again somehow. I don't know how being with a therapist, which is triggering to me, is going to make me better. Can someone tell me?
Sorry this is so long. I hope I'm not the only one like this. I would like to know I am not the only one like this.
This therapist is experienced with EMDR and has treated many kinds of clients with severe trauma, but she has never treated one who has an intense fear of therapists and is triggered by them. (That would be me.)
Have done one EMDR session. Thought we were going to stick with one simple, less horrible target, my previous therapist (will call her B) who mistreated me in many ways, including unethical ways. But B seemed kind so I chose to ignore the red flags and keep seeing B as I got worse and worse. Between my big T and the years with this unethical therapist, I am extremely destabilized just walking in the door of my new therapist's (will call her A) clinic. I did prep with her for 2 months. Mostly trying to get to trust her.
After the EMDR session Monday I was a wreck. I don't even remember most of it. I do remember ending up being prompted to describe a more recent trauma related to B, caused by B and her idiot ideas about how to treat trauma. When time ran out, I was still in that horrible place.
We tried "change the channel" which my daughter tries with me after every session. We go somewhere before we go home. Went to a couple of stores. Went home. Problem with home is I experienced things directly related to my big T in my house. So my house can be triggering. Went home. Woke the next morning a disaster. Sharp pain in center of chest. Tiny spot and very sharp. Tried to get up and use some DBT skills to function. Found myself unable to focus to follow one for more than a few seconds. Continued to deteriorate.
Terrified to call A because of deeply ingrained belief that she is going to harm me just as everyone else has, particularly in the instance of the big T in which a mental health person I trusted harmed me. And degraded me and stole myself and replaced me with garbage.
She may harm me. My daughter is concerned, too, because every other mental health person I have asked for help has harmed me. I guess I should add that I am in a Medicaid HMO in rural area and the mental healthcare options for me STINK. I tried for a year and people were either no help or treated me like garbage. That's why I drive so far to see A.
I don't remember exactly what happened to my brain. My daughter decided to call A to leave a message. A actually picked up the phone and tried to talk to me. She tried to figure out what was wrong. I was terrified of her. My brain shut down. Like a circuit breaker switched and the electricity turned off. A talked to my daughter. I don't remember much after that. Eventually somehow I was able to function. Oh, I do remember talking to a peer support person on the phone. Someone I met who is near A's clinic. They have a lot of resources in that area we don't have here.
My poor daughter spent the whole day trying to take care of me. Trying to distract me. Trying to figure out how I am going to survive when she is at work. She put together a box with water and snacks and the phone with the peer number and put it by the chair in the living room and a note that says, "You don't have to do anything."
I am fighting the urge to run away. I am fighting the urge to end it all. I am terrified that the system is going to get me again and torture me again.
How do you see a therapist to help you recover from being traumatized by a therapist and then retraumatized by one who didn't believe you and re-exposed you again to the same people to show you they really weren't so bad as you thought. I can't explain that more right now. It would be too triggering.
I see no end to this. I see months or years of going once/week to 50 minutes of therapy and then suffering alone. Since my divorce and having to move, it's just me and my daughter. And she has had it. So I mostly suffer alone.
I think I would do better if I just stuffed this all back where it was and tried to go on and get a life again somehow. I don't know how being with a therapist, which is triggering to me, is going to make me better. Can someone tell me?
Sorry this is so long. I hope I'm not the only one like this. I would like to know I am not the only one like this.
