Relationship My Gf Endured 6 Years Of Childhood Abuse. How Do I Help?

[Steve72]

New to this forum and glad to have discovered this resource. This post may bring up strong feelings for people and I apologize in advance if my inexperience with PTSD is triggering. I'm fully open to hearing what people have to say, so please respond if you have an opinion.

Here's the background:

I'm a divorced single father, six months out of a 5 year LTR and have recently begun a new relationship (10 weeks) with Emily (not her real name).

She's a single mother who sustained long term childhood sexual abuse by her step-father (from age 9 to 15) until he was arrested and she was removed from her house without warning by the authorities and placed into the foster care system. This took place in a working class city in England.

From the outside looking in, Emily's story is completely gut wrenching and tragic and involves so many of the most complex elements of this kind of PTSD including Stockholm Syndrome, attempted suicide, eating disorder, depression, insomnia, anxiety, negative self-image, hoarding, etc.

Emily married an American that she met in Europe in her twenties, came to the US, had a daughter, and separated from husband. She never talked about her past with him and they never did therapy together. He had temper issues, was bullying, etc. pretty much (from what I've read) the logical choice for a partner from someone with her past who hasn't healed and gotten conscious around who she is attracted to and why.

After their separation, Emily never went through the paperwork to get legally divorced and has never had a healthy, sustained relationship with a man in the 10 years since. That has everything to do with her trauma, not having any love, support or guidance from her mother and the train wreck of her displacement during the immediate aftermath.

The issue here for me is that Emily has never gone through any substantial next-level healing around her past other than crisis-resolution one-on-one therapy with one therapist, intermittently for the last 8 years.

Emily's work in recovery has brought her to the level of her day-to-day survival: which means learning to eat normally, enjoy sexual activity, hold down part-time employment taking care of children, having a few female friendships (where her past is kept hidden) and co-parenting her daughter part-time with her ex husband.

Given her past, where Emily is today is by all account heroic. She's come a helluva long way and I can't even pretend to know what that journey must have been like.

But here's the problem and the reason I am here and writing this:

While I am new to being intimately involved with a PTSD and abuse survivor, I live and work in an environment of personal growth, psychology, healing arts, expression, yoga, bodywork, etc.

Because Emily's trauma has touched my life through our relationship, now more than ever before I am noticing many examples of survivors who are advocates for lifelong healing through expression, somatic therapy, EMDR, etc.

For example, all the TED Talks by survivors like Jill Tolles (you can Google it) and the work of the Joyful Heart Foundation and their YouTube channel and so on...

Emily is not close to that level of healing yet nor does she want to be.

She keeps her story buried deep, doesn't believe in expression, and doesn't consider herself as someone who has PTSD. She hates the idea of labels and talking about her past with anyone, including support groups or healing retreats, etc.

She rejected EMDR after one try and does not want to revisit the closet door that she has locked so tightly. And there's no way that I can fault her for feeling that way. Behind that door is a monster.

Emily wants more than anything to be "normal" and uses that word a lot when we talk. The problem is that there was nothing "normal" about her childhood. And she has all the complex PTSD symptoms (see above) that make her life today very very hard. Uses Xanex to get to sleep on a nightly basis. She craves normalcy but refuses to walk the hot coals of next level healing so that some of those symptoms disappear and maybe "normal" would have a chance.

Our relationship has been good for her so far and she's starting to soften a little. Through a combination of push and nurture, I helped her get a mediator and go through her divorce. That's a huge step for her. Together we have seen her long term therapist twice (at my request) and those sessions have been intense yet productive.

Emily's therapist acknowledged to us both that my instincts are right, that there's a lot more "work" for Emily to do, but that I can't push or expect her to go there, no matter how many examples I see and read about of survivors who have dealt with their past in a way that leads them to live a happy life.

I want that for her, but what I'm learning (the hard way) is that she's the only who can choose that for herself.

The best example that rings true for me and I apologize if it might be offensive to some, is that of a substance abuser (pick your poison) and the difference between white-knuckling abstinence and going through a recovery program that treats the problem from the inside out.

I'm trying to balance showing Emily love and support and being non-judgemental while also introducing her to options for next level recovery and encouraging that path, but finding that balance is a hornets nest.

I also know that our relationship won't survive if she doesn't start that journey.

What do people think about this situation?

Can you be a partner of someone who is not doing what they could do in order to heal more from their past?

Is there something flawed with my desire for her to go deeper in her recovery than just survival?

Interested to learn what others have to say about this. Thanks.

 

[Justmehere]

Her refusing treatment does seem to be a deal breaker issue for you, but I don't quite understand why.

You don't describe things like angry outbursts or etc, but you stated very clearly that if she continues to refuse in-depth trauma work, you can't continue in this relationship.

Just 2.5 months into this relationship and your description of it is very much like a caretaker/patient relationship. You describe the relationship entirely in terms of your desire to help her, what you have done to help her, and her pathology and need for treatment. You don't describe it like you are two romantic partners, with one struggling with the effects of PTSD on the practical realities of the the relationship and stress about worrying about the other person.

I recognize that your professional life involves helping others, so this way of describing the relationship, and the difficulties in it, may be out of simple habit.

But I'd like to encourage you to take off the professional hat a bit, put on the dating partner hat, and explain more about why her refusing to get in depth trauma treatment is a deal breaker issue for you in the relationship. What is it that is intolerable for you?

Is the limit you are running up against the distress you feel knowing she is not at what you hope could be her full potential? That can be a heavy weight to carry.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I want that for her, but what I'm learning (the hard way) is that she's the only who can choose that for herself.

Bingo. No matter how well-versed you are in the healing arts or how many experiences you've observed and read about, she is the only one who can initiate action within herself. She needs to be the one to choose which methods, if any, are the best for her. Lovingly supporting what she chooses is all you need to do. If you find you can't, it becomes your issue to work through, not hers, if that makes sense. It's a process, not a finish line. Ten weeks isn't a very long time to know someone very well, but I'd say if your gut is already speaking loudly, pay attention to it.

I also know that our relationship won't survive if she doesn't start that journey.

Do you mean if she doesn't start your idea of a what seems to be the best journey, or, her own healing journey as she feels she most needs it to be, and at her own pace?

Can you be a partner of someone who is not doing what they could do in order to heal more from their past?

I feel I can be supportive of another's struggle as they learn more about it themselves while not always supporting their specific choices. I have to stay incredibly mindful of how I'm spending my energies with and on others and make time to see if I'm trying to direct another based on my own beliefs/values or if I'm genuinely supporting in the way they most need me to.

Some folks, like myself, come to a realization of what is genuinely loving, nurturing and healing for themselves much much later than others, especially after a lifetime of living just the opposite. You can't simply go from point a to point b with no side roads, road blocks, dead ends, and a hell of a lot of road repair and construction in between. If you'd rather hop on a plane and fly directly in hopes of avoiding all of that, you may not be the best fit.

Is there something flawed with my desire for her to go deeper in her recovery than just survival?

Not at all. But the timing and delivery is critical, from my experience. We see someone we deeply care for suffering and we want more than anything to help. Especially if we've managed to work our own way out of a particular rut that resonates, or have been surrounded by others surpassing their own similar struggles daily.

But we often deliver our desire to help with too much energy, too much eagerness, too much certainty that it'll be the answer that ends all answers, too much of everything uncomfortable that speaks to the one on the receiving end that they're still not living up to yet another external expectation and others still see them as something needing to be fixed in some way before they'll be acceptable enough for whatever role they play in that person's life. All that manages to do is continue the cycle of the soul being squashed, be it intentionally or not.

I commend you for reaching out to seek feedback. I wish you both well and hope that your paths will be led towards the healthiest directions possible.

 

[Deadman]

Can you be a partner of someone who is not doing what they could do in order to heal more from their past?

Can you? Yes. Should you? Probably not. New romantic relationships can merely be a way to temporarily cover over PTSD issues. Once that stops working... well it probably won't be good for either of you.

 

[Steve72]

Hi Justmehere. Thanks so much for your thoughtful note. You ask great questions. I'll do my best.

"Her refusing treatment does seem to be a deal breaker issue for you, but I don't quite understand why.

You don't describe things like angry outbursts or etc, but you stated very clearly that if she continues to refuse in-depth trauma work, you can't continue in this relationship."

Because personal growth and dealing with issues (doing the work / facing fears / etc.) is an important component of my life and that needs to be an equally important component for my partner. It's a personal choice, driven both by gut instinct and also the rational mind. We'll be incompatible otherwise, meaning that element or dynamic of avoidance (I'm not going to call it "dysfunctional" here, though I had to stop myself) will present in ways that will erode the relationship. I speak from experience.

"Just 2.5 months into this relationship and your description of it is very much like a caretaker/patient relationship. You describe the relationship entirely in terms of your desire to help her, what you have done to help her, and her pathology and need for treatment. You don't describe it like you are two romantic partners, with one struggling with the effects of PTSD on the practical realities of the the relationship and stress about worrying about the other person.

I recognize that your professional life involves helping others, so this way of describing the relationship, and the difficulties in it, may be out of simple habit."

Keen observations and yes - you are right in that I did write about it that way. Writing that way here was a shortcut to the heart of the issue for me. I'll color in the bubbles a bit by saying that this relationship feels very experimental for me.

On paper, I probably am not ready to fully be in a relationship because I am working through a career (and mindset) transition around finances and building my business so two very important resources (time & money) are severely limited. Part of my work is helping others bring light to their shadows, it's been a natural gift since I was a child, so when Emily and I had a first date, the energy was lit and I knew she had secrets.

Surprisingly for her (not for me) she revealed a lot on our 2nd night together – of course I was asking – and it all made sense in that there's been a strong flow over the past year in my work life of women revealing their stories of abuse during interviews. I was always safely behind a camera though and never had to deal with the issue on an intimate basis, where I had emotional attachment. Now this.

She is pretty and funny and has such a giant heart - warm and nurturing - and I became captivated quickly. And if you believe in any of the woo woo of energetic attraction, you could theorize that a part of Emily wants to do the work and knows she needs to.

The first thing I told her on date 3 is that I'm not dating any woman who hasn't legally detached from her husband. The emotional detachment happened a long time ago. Seeing that kind of energetic sloppiness was a huge red flag. So I expressed my expectation right away. No sense in wasting time. From the way Emily responded to that "call to action", independently I'll add (no hand holding at all) and subsequently sticking with me, knowing full well that shadow work is part of my work life and expectations of myself, I'm responding to the part of her that wants to change and is willing to recover – because we all know it's possible. That's why this forum exists, right?

"But I'd like to encourage you to take off the professional hat a bit, put on the dating partner hat, and explain more about why her refusing to get in depth trauma treatment is a deal breaker issue for you in the relationship. What is it that is intolerable for you?"

See above :) But I'll add this. I don't want to be in a relationship as a caretaker or where there is a power imbalance. I'm attracted to strong women who know themselves and are comfortable in their own skin. So this is complex, because I'd be lying if I didn't say there is an element now of being the first man in her life who can deliver this kind of emotional IQ and for sure, as an empath, I like the idea of helping her learn how to love herself. But the balance, as I said in my original post, is really tricky and I'll be the first to admit I'm in unfamiliar territory. Which is why I have reached out to a friend whop is a survivor for book suggestions (she recommended Levine's "Waking the Tiger") and why I am exploring this forum. I also bought and have started reading "When a Woman You Love Was Abused" by Dawn Scott Jones.

"Is the limit you are running up against the distress you feel knowing she is not at what you hope could be her full potential? That can be a heavy weight to carry."

I think the limit is more than my own "distress" at seeing someone you care about suffering and choosing to suffer. I think it's also just knowing myself and what I want my next substantial relationship to look like and what the qualities are that I expect in a partner. I know 100% that I'm a work-in-progress as well, around reprogramming money issues from emotional childhood neglect, and I've been challenging myself in that area as well with therapy.

When I honestly look into the mirror of this situation, what's reflected back is that I'm broken too - and I know Emily is already teaching me about compassion and non-judgement. The difference between us is that I'm ready and able to lay on the bed of nails in order to evolve and I'm not yet sure that Emily is. And of course I know and respect why that is.

Clearly Emily is scared and is fighting that internal battle between taking the next step and staying put. I totally get it. But as I said before, our intimate relationship won't survive if she doesn't get what she needs to liberate herself.

When I asked her therapist point blank in our 1st session "How come you have let her stay this way, in so much denial around all the healing and clearing that's left to do?" the answer I received was powerful.

"Because she's never had anyone outside of this office to work through the issues with. She can't afford to completely fall apart while she's single, alone and with a daughter."

I told them both that I'm here now and I'll support her on this journey if she decides to go on it. And I'm still sticking to that. And if all this sounds intense and warp-speed after 10 weeks, you're right. I can't pretend. Welcome to my life.

 

[Steve72]

Can you? Yes. Should you? Probably not. New romantic relationships can merely be a way to temporarily c...

BINGO. Which is why I am ringing the bell now, early, to be fair and clear.

 

[Steve72]

Not yet sure of how to respond in the body of these posts, so I'm just cutting and pasting into a new message.

Bingo. No matter how well-versed you are in the healing arts or how many experiences you've...

"Bingo. No matter how well-versed you are in the healing arts or how many experiences you've observed and read about, she is the only one who can initiate action within herself. She needs to be the one to choose which methods, if any, are the best for her. Lovingly supporting what she chooses is all you need to do. If you find you can't, it becomes your issue to work through, not hers, if that makes sense. It's a process, not a finish line. Ten weeks isn't a very long time to know someone very well, but I'd say if your gut is already speaking loudly, pay attention to it."

Agreed and yes, that makes sense. I'm paying attention to what I know to be true for me. I'm also hyper-careful of the fragile nature of what this is all representing to Emily and I want to be very careful and respectful with her emotions. Being transparent and communicating honestly is about showing up with integrity. And even though it feels like an experiment that could go either way, I'm an eternal optimist and I want to believe that maybe what she has been seeking is simply someone she trusts who will hold the door open for her and be there when she comes back from the other side. I'm willing to do that.


↑
I also know that our relationship won't survive if she doesn't start that journey.

"Do you mean if she doesn't start your idea of a what seems to be the best journey, or, her own healing journey as she feels she most needs it to be, and at her own pace?"

The former, for sure. There are many ways to get from here to there.


"Can you be a partner of someone who is not doing what they could do in order to heal more from their past?
I feel I can be supportive of another's struggle as they learn more about it themselves while not always supporting their specific choices. I have to stay incredibly mindful of how I'm spending my energies with and on others and make time to see if I'm trying to direct another based on my own beliefs/values or if I'm genuinely supporting in the way they most need me to.

Some folks, like myself, come to a realization of what is genuinely loving, nurturing and healing for themselves much much later than others, especially after a lifetime of living just the opposite. You can't simply go from point a to point b with no side roads, road blocks, dead ends, and a hell of a lot of road repair and construction in between. If you'd rather hop on a plane and fly directly in hopes of avoiding all of that, you may not be the best fit."

Understood. Emily has battled courageously for years. She's had the breakdowns in therapy and cried the tears, talked about the details, but only with this one therapist. And only up to a point. I know she has it in her to leave this plateau and keep climbing. I just need to see baby steps. Not an express train.


"Is there something flawed with my desire for her to go deeper in her recovery than just survival?
Not at all. But the timing and delivery is critical, from my experience. We see someone we deeply care for suffering and we want more than anything to help. Especially if we've managed to work our own way out of a particular rut that resonates, or have been surrounded by others surpassing their own similar struggles daily."

That's really good to hear. Thank you.

"But we often deliver our desire to help with too much energy, too much eagerness, too much certainty that it'll be the answer that ends all answers, too much of everything uncomfortable that speaks to the one on the receiving end that they're still not living up to yet another external expectation and others still see them as something needing to be fixed in some way before they'll be acceptable enough for whatever role they play in that person's life. All that manages to do is continue the cycle of the soul being squashed, be it intentionally or not."

Agreed. Everything that I've expressed here was expressed to both Emily and her therapist at the last session.

"I need Emily to go forward into next level healing" is what I said...and I point blank asked her therapist to map out a plan and treatment options for Emily. And the therapist agreed to do that and said that next steps would be up to Emily. We all agreed that I would back off completely and just be available to come back to therapy if either of them wants to include me in any of it. Emily's relief was palpable when I said that.

Her therapist, by the way, was moved to tears several times during our 1st session and she told me (in front of Emily) of how hard it's been for herself - as a therapist - because of how treatment resistant Emily can be. I think her therapist also sees the potential here for Emily to progress, and she was moved by this opportunity of Em and I getting together.

I know I'm in deep and in shark infested waters, but I'm willing to consciously paddle as best I can for as long as I can and see what happens.

"I commend you for reaching out to seek feedback. I wish you both well and hope that your paths will be led towards the healthiest directions possible."

Thanks, TT. Your feedback and support is helpful and appreciated.

 

[joeylittle]

Not yet sure of how to respond in the body of these posts, so I'm just cutting and pasting into a new message.

@Steve72 - you can learn how to correctly use the quote functions here: Link Removed

 

[Justmehere]

Your heart for her is amazing. The world would be an incredible place if there were more insightful compassionate people like you.

What do people think about this situation?

I think she is a brave survivor who has overcome a lot in her life.

It think you both have some deep work to do, and that this may not be the right relationship at the right time for you both. I don't want to say that you should breakup, but I do think you would need to make some changes in order for it to work. We can focus on the changes she needs to make, but in the end, you don't have any control over her anyhow, so it might be more helpful to focus on what you might be able to do,

I could also be totally off the map and wrong, so feel free to disregard my input entirely if it doesn't fit.

In dysfunctional families, which it sounds like you both grew up in, people tend to adopt well patterned roles. The four most common are perp, victim, caretaker and bystander. The victim also often occupies the identified patient role.

It appears you may have adopted the ease of being in the role of a helper or caretaker. It serves you well in your line of work.

Being a caretaker isn't good or bad in and of itself. It can go either way. It really generally becomes a problem when the person is unaware they tend to respond to problems by being the caretaker, and/or they are unable to be flexible in shifting what role they are in as an adult when needed.

This something to be aware of when in a dating relationship, which is the most likely place for the patterned roles like caretaker or identified patient to come up again.

With her, you have focused a lot on her being being helped, issues being addressed. Resolved. Not kept silent or ignored. This partly reflects what might be your tendency to be a helped/caretaker, as well as the neglect you suffered in the past.

As a survivor of neglect, you know the true danger of problems being ignored and unaddressed. You are trying to help her confront issues she has been ignoring - and while it's often a good thing to do, it may have partly to with her, and partly how you grew up and your past experiences.

Past experiences have made it so that ignoring problems and not getting help is really uncomfortable and even intolerable for you, because you know how bad it can get.

I'm guessing based on what you have written above, that it's been a pattern that you have dated other people that have avoided problems, probably a little like your childhood caregivers who ignored needs as well. It may be worthwhile doing some more therapeutic work yourself on why you are drawn towards people who you find out are avoidant of dealing with problems. It *might* be that you are subconsciously trying to resolve the childhood neglect by getting into relationships with people who also ignore problems.

When you described the relationship itself in further detail, the one problem that her PTSD symptoms seem to pose in the relationship is that you find it very hard to be in relationship with someone who avoids issues. PTSD includes avoidance as a symptom of PTSD. It seems like her avoidance of dealing with PTSD, and not so much the actual impact of other PTSD symptoms itself on the relationship that are the issue.

This is really important to recognize how difficult avoidance is to deal with. I don't think this will be resolved simply by her diving into her issues.

I survived childhood neglect myself. It is frankly is very disturbing to me when people avoid deep issues. I need people to just deal with their stuff. So I get it.

But rarely is this resolved just by others dealing with their stuff. There is almost always something that people ignore, or don't value fixing in the way I do.

We can talk all day long about how good it is for her to deal with her issues, and most of the time, it is good for someone to deal with their issues. But that's not likely to change anything.

Sometimes someone's process of healing from PTSD actually requires pacing themselves and not diving into deep work until the time and support is there in place, and sometimes a deep issue can't be resolved, but tolerated. In fact, distress tolerance is a whole chapter in DBT therapy, a common therapy used for PTSD.

As for her, she may have been the identified patient in her family, especially as she got older. Many people with eating disorders are in this role. In her adult life she has had some significant challenges that take some PTSD sufferers their whole lives to master. Yet based on your description she has worked her ass off and has conquered many of them.

She has now gone through a very difficult divorce and while she has therapeutic help, she keeps talking about being "normal." She may be seeking to not continue to be the one that needs to be fixed all the time. In fact, based on how you describe her, while she is treatmenr avoidant, she is also functioning well in her life. Plus, as her therapist explained, she really can't afford to fall apart with a young daughter and there isn't anyone to do the work with her.

Deep trauma work predictably casies destablization. I completely agree with her therapist not pushing her further than her therapist has pushed. I would not push any young single mom who is able to function in daily life to do deep trauma work if they are not otherwise ready and wanting to do it.

If the single mom is struggling and wants to do the work, I would caution them to take it extremely slowly. They really can't afford to fall apart. It could put them at risk of not being able to care for their child.

***That's why her therapist who has known her for 8 years isn't pushing it, even when she is tearfully worried about her clients resistance.***

Recovery from PTSD is not white knuckling it vs doing deep introspection. It is freaking hard. I don't mean uncomfortable and painful. Deep trauma work includes a lot of white knuckling it through tough symptoms.

I love that you are learning more about PTSD. I think your perspective on what recovery looks like on the other side of it is a little idealized -- and that's ok. You haven't done anything wrong. But I'm going to gently push back at comparing her state of recovery to that of TedTalkers and the image they present on the stage. It's not at all like that. I know a TedTalk speaker personally - and I can verify for a fact they are an amazing inspiration, but daily life isn't at all like it is on the stage. There are good days and bad days, and battles that continue. It's messy.

You have some indication of how bad things can get for her based on how bad the struggle has been in the past. Starting deep trauma work risks things getting bad again.

One of the biggest symptoms of PTSD is avoidance. If things get worse, she is likely to be even more avoidant to cope with the spike in symptoms. Not less. This may end up being even harder for you if/when her avoidance increasss, and you may push more, out of a need for her to address things, and she would push you away more and avoid more. And around the cycle would go.

It's helpful for supporters have a high tolerance for avoidance. They can step back when the time needs, and let the sufferer take space and regroup, gently encourage and hold boundaries when needed.

You have many great skills to help people, but I'm not sure that you yet have the tolerance of the symptom of avoidance needed in order to be the supporter who walks with her through this. You would have to be ok with her shutting things out for periods of time, even more than she is now. You are 10 weeks into this you are close to a breaking point without her symptoms spiking due to doing deep trauma work.

You are not doing anything wrong, and I can tell how much you want to help her. If you are willing to work on developing a greater tolerance for avoidance, then you may be a great person to walk with her through the deep work, if she was willing to do it.

I think you may indeed have a great capacity to walk with her through this, and you clearly care deeply. But you will have to do your own work to change how you can tolerance periods of advoidance in a suffferer or you and her will likely come undone.

If you just can't stand avoidance, that's ok. Totally ok. Just recognize this as a limit you have in relationships, a deal breaker, and that you may not be the right person to help someone who has a clinical condition with the symptom of avoidance, and for which treatment could worsen that avoidance for a period of time.

I am a huge advocate of getting therapeutic help and counseling. If she wasn't seeing anyone and was unable to function, was purposefully evading good in depth trauma work that was available to her, and she wasn't the sole provider for a young child, I would certainly say her avoidance isnt healthy at all.

But that's not the situation here. She has done a lot of work, made huge changes, even pulled together the means to do the divorce more quickly to be in relationship with you. She probably is avoiding the deep issues and in her fear, is scared to do deep trauma work.

But right now she is also saying a bright clear "no" to in depth trauma work. She's not ready and even her therapist agrees the resources are not there and she has a young child she has to think about.

I hope that in time, especially with the support of someone who cares deeply for her, she will do that work.

But for now, she is making a choice, using her voice, and stepping out of being the one needing to be fixed for a season and just being. Living life. Enjoying it as a journey and not so much as a problem to be solved.

Frankly, I think that might be continued progress forward for her. Not in opposition to it.

It will probably eventually not work anymore, and she will hopefully by the help she needs.

But if she isn't ready, she isn't ready. She's been resisting for 8 years. It might help if you asked what she would need to do that work --- but it's my guess that she's not interested by the way she pushes away the goals of reaching a point of recovery like the TedTalk speakers:

It seems clear that you value deep work and she's just not in that place. It's not good or bad. It just is.

This is a pretty new relationship, and it's early to already be pushing this much for someone to change. It generally doesn't work for one party to stay in a relationship based on a hope the other will change. It usually leads to both parties ending up unhappy and resentful.

The only person you can change is you.

Instead of the original question you posed in the title of this thread, I think a more helpful question to ask is: can you accept her as is? Can you tolerate periods of avoidance?

If the answer is no to both those questions, then I think it's time to either work on changing you, or to move on.

I hope you continue to work on your own deeper issues, especially how your needs were avoided as a child. Keep doing that deep work so you can find someone who is more energetically your speed, and not continue to be drawn to chronic avoiders that may be a minor renenactment of the bigger avoidance you had to deal with as a child, and I think you will be more drawn to those ready to dive deep with you.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Justmehere nailed it perfectly. It took me 10 years to figure this out.

Justmehere.... I wonder what I would have done if you wrote this to me 10 years ago. This battle (for lack of a better word) sure changed me over time.

 

[Friday]

Just to simplify things a bit: How can you help?

How does she want you to help?

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can't help her with anything going on in her head. First thing you have to make peace with as a supporter.

You can be supportive and comforting if she will let you. Other than that, you're just a bystander. We can't help or fix.