Relationship How do I have an important conversation with my GF?

L

Lost_but_lookinup

We met a out 8 months ago and kinda started as a fling. But even at day one we both were pretty inseparable. We had long conversations bout our past. Me never really having an actual relationship that felt 100 percent right and having my own trauma on that history. With her she split from her very toxic relationship that she had 2 kids with. After a while we both let our guards down and decided to go for it. And man was it beautiful. I was iterduced to her kids we went on extended trips with them met her family. We flew to my hometown and she met my family. Everyone who knows me would be pumped and never seen me happier and with someone that really loved me. Her friends would pull me aside and tell me how great it is to see her finally with someone who genuinely loves her and could tell we both were really in love. Her kids were calling me step-dad and we were all in.

Then we had our first intense fight because I was trying to talk about some things I've been trying to talk about for a while but couldn't find the right time. And im all about communication and being upfront but in the right environment. But (in bad form and I admit) tried doing that when we were both hammered and she was shutting me down and I drunkenly got frustrated. I know that's a f*ck up on me and owned it. But just from past trauma she shut down. Needed space. Said we needed to write down what we needed to get out. I imediately did all that. Tried to have the conversation. But never had it. After a month she finally meets up and it wasnt a discussion between lovers it was "I don't have the capacity to give you the love and attention you deserve." And that broke me. No talk and at least try just done.
Now I know the love is still there she just feels that she has too much going on and it not fare to me because the situation is taking up most of her time. And I felt that that was my decision on if it's fare to me and I love her and am willing to be there through this difficult time.

Anyway it's been a few months. She brought the kids over after Christmas because I bought them presents. Asked her to be my date for new years and she accepted. We have been hanging out and still feels right. We hold each other. Kiss. But still feels like there's a bit of a wedge. I want to have a talk about how things went down and how it made me feel and that I understand that alot of what happened was mainly triggers from her past relationship and im never gonna be like him and she can always openly talk to me. I've already told her I'm still all in and am always gonna be there but just don't know how to get that conversation rolling and don't wanna ruin the way it's been lately by trying to get serious to soon if that makes sense. Iunno. Just had to ramble and if this brings good advice then it was a constructive ramble instead of writing it in notepad like I have been doing.
 
I'm a talker... Like, I talk and talk and talk and talk... (Well, at least I have been all my life, until a depression hit and since then I've been really silent... but that's the besides the point... My innate nature is being a talker...) And when there's an issue in a relationship, I want to talk about it. In detail.

The thing is, not everyone's like that. For talkers, the best way to clean out a wound is to talk about it until everything's "talked out".

For other people, who aren't such avid talkers, that can be like picking the scab off a wound, just when it's starting to heal and doing that over and over.

Some people want to fix things "non-verbally" and then move on.

For a talker, that's frustrating as all hell.

So... if the two of you want to stay together long term and make it a big, long love story?

You may have to figure out how on earth you can both compromise on issues like this, without it feeling like you're making a "bad" or "shitty" compromise, but a genuine compromise that actually resolves the issue, tho in a way that neither of you would've entirely chosen freely, but because it's a compromise you meet up either half-way, or sometimes one person gets their way, sometimes the other person does.
 
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