Sufferer "how Did You Get Ptsd From Surgery?!"

[Haden]

The title says it all -- if you were paying attention.

I'm Haden. I've been silently living with the horrors of anesthesia awareness and PTSD for 6 years now. Everybody knows. Nobody cares.

I used to be a normal kid at age 13. That quickly changed after my first surgery. I spiraled down the nightmare hole as my life was taken from me by an unlikely source. Hallucinations, voices, nightmares, anxiety, and all of the other horrible atrocities have followed me and still continue to do so. What's worse, is when I went for help, I was laughed at and told to "go home." The doctors know what they did. They don't care.

I've been suicidal for two years now after the last one. No, I won't act, because I'm not that stupid, but if this is what life is like, why continue to live it? I have no insurance, so I can't get help. My family cares but there's not much they can do for me. The people who SHOULD be helping me have thrown me under the bus. So all in all, I've given up. I let it take me, I do what it demands I do. I'm a slave to my misery, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm currently taking horse riding lessons as a type of therapy, which helps, but not after I go home. Nothing stops the thinking.

I'm Haden. And this is my struggle.

 

[Binkie]

I'm curious to know why you've chosen to write this in a manner that pushes people away from the offset: "if you were paying attention". Why did you write that?

You said "I've been suicidal for two years now after the last one. No, I won't act...". In which case, you're not suicidal.

 

[Haden]

So...what are you saying? That I'm a hypocrite? Just because I wanna die doesn't mean I can. The only thing that keeps me here is the hope that maybe it'll go away. I'm also very used to people ignoring what I say or not paying attention.

 

[Anarchy]

Welcome to the forum!

Having our experiences invalidated really sucks!

There are a fair few threads around here about medical and surgical trauma. You're not alone here, there are people here who really do get it!

Welcome
@

 

[Binkie]

So...what are you saying? That I'm a hypocrite? Just because I wanna die doesn't mean I can. The only thing that keeps me here is the hope that maybe it'll go away. I'm also very used to people ignoring what I say or not paying attention.

No, I was not at all calling you hypocritical because hypocrisy has nothing to do with what you or I said. To be suicidal, a person must want to end their own life. You say you won't do it because "I'm not that stupid", implying you do not want to end your life.

 

[joeylittle]

@Haden - welcome. I understand your learned defensiveness, I'd be pretty pissed off too.

Living with Suicidal Ideation is truly difficult. There are a number of us here managing chronic suicidality.

@Binkie - I know from other posts you are having a shit of a day. Re-directing at new members isn't the best way to burn off that anger, here. Consider starting a Trauma Diary for yourself.

@Haden - back to you - do you mind sharing how old you are now? Also, was your PTSD diagnosed - was there ever a doctor who listened?

Our medical trauma sub-forum is here: Medical

 

[joeylittle]

To be suicidal, a person must want to end their own life. You say you won't do it because "I'm not that stupid", implying you do not want to end your life.

I know you understand the difference between passive and active ideation - so you should recognize that it is possible to want to end your life, while simultaneously knowing you do not want to take that final step.

5 myths (and some truths) about suicidal ideation

Thread-banned. You don't really have a fight here, take it elsewhere.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

I'm a slave to my misery, and there's nothing I can do about it.

The good news is that there is a whole lot you can do about it. :D

While it would be fanfreakingtabulous if everyone with PTSD was visited by a fairy godmother bestowing phenomenal therapists, exactly the right interventions at exactly the right times, perfect support networks, & limitless resources? Few people get that lucky, but most people do go on to getting their lives sorted. It can take a long time, and be a lot of hard work, but even with zero assistance it's possible. Adding in the wealth of resources available to piece in over time? From books to exchanging tips/tricks with others in the trenches, specialized therapies like your riding to trauma therapy... While it may seem like a cruel twist of fate when we're doing badly that we're always our own best resource? We're also our own best resource & source of support. It doesn't matter if we do have that fairy godmother, at the end of the day everything could be handed to us, but we're still the ones who have to choose to take it, act, and do the work. As long as you've got yourself? You're never without help.

ETA... As a whole bunch of posts listed while I was writing this; Just another person here (me) who struggles a whole lot with suicidal ideation, and who has been suicidal most days, for years at a time. If you have been, too? Then give yourself some credit, because that's a hard battle to fight, and you've been doing it, and winning, day in and out for years. Which means you've already got proof positive to what I said above, about being your own best ally, in addition to the other work & steps you've already taken :)

 

[Kintsugi]

Welcome to the forum, Haden. We have several members who have PTSD due to medical trauma. I hope this is a good resource for you.

 

[Suzetig]

Welcome @Haden - u get the need to check folk are paying attention when your trauma has been denied and invalidated. There are some excellent supports here, I hope you stick around.

 

[Esterio]

Welcome Haden
Thanks for the post. I'm sorry for your trauma. I have talked with others here that suffer due to medical treatment. So you are not alone here. I hope you are able to get some of the answers you need. Again Welcome.
Peace be safe

 

[walter mitty]

Hayden, saw this post after I replied to another of your posts. So welcome again.

By anesthesia awareness are you saying that you woke up or became aware mid surgery, or that the anesthesia never put you under at all? Either way it must have horrible and I can imagine the intensity of the memories. Hang in here and find some friends you feel comfortable with. We cannot diagnose or treat you cause we are not professionals, but we can help you understand that many of the odd thoughts and feeling you have had are not uncommon at all. We can often share tips and tricks that have helped us "decompress" when the anxiety feels crushing. We can sometimes make life a little more tolerable as you figure out a treatment plan for yourself.

I think you may have found the right place to get started.