What was the absolute "low point" of your life and how did you get out of it (if you don't mind talking about it) ?

[Captain Barnacles]

It's now.

There is no way out.

 

[Applecore]

It's now.

There is no way out.

Based on my own experience of many low points, in which I yearned for suicide and visualized it in ever more violent detail, I'm going to dare to assume that in your case there might be more options to you than are at the front of your mind right now.

Could you talk (write) us through what you are going through?

 

[Captain Barnacles]

Based on my own experience of many low points, in which I yearned for suicide and visualized it in ever more violent detail, I'm going to dare to assume that in your case there might be more options to you than are at the front of your mind right now.

Could you talk (write) us through what you are going through?

My wife has decided she wants a divorce. She's making all manner of horrendous and unfounded allegations. I think she thinks we're in the US and that that sort of thing makes any difference.

My lawyer is able to deal with that, but soon I'll be out of money. The money I spend my life saving to buy us a house in the country to raise the kids is almost all gone.


I've been kicked off the search and rescue crew I volunteered with because they think the stress I'm under makes me a liability. They did it by phone and the guy in the call had the sheer gall to ask if there was any way they could support me. In the same call where he killed me.

The PTSD diagnosis has cost me most of the career opportunities I wanted and will make the remaining few very difficult.

Soon a court officer will visit my children and ask which parent they want to live with. 'Both' is an option and they could divide their time between us.

Knowing how my life goes, they will choose her and I'll never see them again.

I'm also feeling very guilty because the divorce isn't even finished and I'm love with a colleague, whose feelings towards me are a bit of a mystery.

I know she'll reject me, though. Just like my wife, my job, the SAR team, and my kids. Like everyone and everything I ever cared about.

It's all just too much.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. It can't help. Nobody can. There's only one way out.

 

[Applecore]

My wife has decided she wants a divorce. She's making all manner of horrendous and unfounded allegations. I think she thinks we're in the US and that that sort of thing makes any difference.

My lawyer is able to deal with that, but soon I'll be out of money. The money I spend my life saving to buy us a house in the country to raise the kids is almost all gone.


I've been kicked off the search and rescue crew I volunteered with because they think the stress I'm under makes me a liability. They did it by phone and the guy in the call had the sheer gall to ask if there was any way they could support me. In the same call where he killed me.

The PTSD diagnosis has cost me most of the career opportunities I wanted and will make the remaining few very difficult.

Soon a court officer will visit my children and ask which parent they want to live with. 'Both' is an option and they could divide their time between us.

Knowing how my life goes, they will choose her and I'll never see them again.

I'm also feeling very guilty because the divorce isn't even finished and I'm love with a colleague, whose feelings towards me are a bit of a mystery.

I know she'll reject me, though. Just like my wife, my job, the SAR team, and my kids. Like everyone and everything I ever cared about.

It's all just too much.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. It can't help. Nobody can. There's only one way out.

Life is cruel. Believe it or not a lot of us here have been in a very similar situation to the one you are describing now, and that includes me.

I am going to tell you the following not to upstage you but to show you what I mean when I say you are not alone. About 15 years ago I lost my life savings, lost my job, lost my house, lost my relationship, lost my health, lost my father, all in quick succession. I was already a survivor of child cruelty, both from a notorious cult and mentally ill step-parents who hated me. I found suicide to appear to be the most appealing way out for a very long time. A psychologist said I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. For what it's worth, I eventually turned my life around and I am rather content today. So I believe you have every chance of getting there too, and one day you will be on this forum doing what I am doing now.

There were two suicides in my immediate family and I decided not to be the third, because I saw what suicide does to immediate family. My mother loves me and I knew that I couldn't do it to her. In this case, your kids love you and I very much doubt you want to hurt them with your choices now.

Turning your life around does take time and effort. Given you work in search and rescue, you already know what a heroic effort looks like. You know heroism is about other people and is not about you. You can do this for your kids, and for the rest of the world, including me.

I've got a nice coincidence for you. If you look through my recent posts, you will find the word: "barnacle".

 

[Captain Barnacles]

Life is cruel. Believe it or not a lot of us here have been in a very similar situation to the one you are describing now, and that includes me.

I am going to tell you the following not to upstage you but to show you what I mean when I say you are not alone. About 15 years ago I lost my life savings, lost my job, lost my house, lost my relationship, lost my health, lost my father, all in quick succession. I was already a survivor of child cruelty, both from a notorious cult and mentally ill step-parents who hated me. I found suicide to appear to be the most appealing way out for a very long time. A psychologist said I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. For what it's worth, I eventually turned my life around and I am rather content today. So I believe you have every chance of getting there too, and one day you will be on this forum doing what I am doing now.

There were two suicides in my immediate family and I decided not to be the third, because I saw what suicide does to immediate family. My mother loves me and I knew that I couldn't do it to her. In this case, your kids love you and I very much doubt you want to hurt them with your choices now.

Turning your life around does take time and effort. Given you work in search and rescue, you already know what a heroic effort looks like. You know heroism is about other people and is not about you. You can do this for your kids, and for the rest of the world, including me.

I've got a nice coincidence for you. If you look through my recent posts, you will find the word "barnacle"

I know. It's minor stuff that a normal person would be able to deal with. I wouldn't know anything about heroism. I'm just trying to be good enough to deserve to exist.

Oh, it's just frustrating because I've already lost everything before and had to rebuild. I don't have the energy or inclination to do it again.

The army, the navy, the coastguard, the fire service, the police... I've never ended a career on my terms. Always some injury or other.

Now this.

I know it's nothing. I don't have the right to be as upset as I am. Even the sexual abuse in my childhood wasn't actually all that bad, really, not when you see what other people had to put up with.

I should have been able to get through this ok. I just wasn't up to the required standard. As ever.

Anyway, I'm dragging you guys off topic, so I'll scoot.

 

[Ecdysis]

Anyway, I'm dragging you guys off topic, so I'll scoot.

Not off topic at all.

 

[Applecore]

Anyway, I'm dragging you guys off topic, so I'll scoot.

Wrong again

Tell us what you like. I'm guessing: Going out on the boat. A beer. Having mates. Your kids laughing. A smile from a woman. Anything else?

 

[Captain Barnacles]

Wrong again

Tell us what you like. I'm guessing: Going out on the boat. A beer. Having mates. Your kids laughing. A smile from a woman. Anything else?

I like forests. Like...a lot. They're the only places I feel calm and safe. There's a religious aspect to that, too; I'm a druid (lowercase 'd').

I like books. Especially old ones. I'm guilty of occasionally buying a book just because it has a nice binding.

I like Dungeons and Dragons. I play a human druid. Because of course I do.

I like danger. I like doing the right thing. I'm a specialist law enforcement officer- the SAR was a volunteer role, these days- whose jurisdiction is mostly the sea and coastline. I don't have jurisdiction over normal police matters, but a lawman is a lawman, right? So I've intervened in a few things. I like going on boat or car patrols to little villages and chatting with the locals over coffee or a smoke. I don't want to just be a uniform that shows up once in a blue moon and makes life difficult.

You're right about smiles from women. I seem to be a bit of a magnet for women at a certain stage in their lives, which I guess my wife was comfortable with when she was one of them...or so she said, anyway.

Yeah, I mean, I could write pages about stuff I like. I'm actually normally a very happy guy, even with the PTSD (which makes me wonder about the validity of the diagnosis); if I were a musketeer, I'd be Porthos, my wife always said.

My partner when I was in the police (who is one of the reasons my wife decided to get a divorce) found out I was trying to lose weight and told me to stop because 'you're perfect; if I'd never seen you but someone described your personality and told me to draw the guy, I'd draw you'.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Apologies. I'm not very well, today, and I'm a bit sleep deprived. I had an allergic reaction to something I ate and almost didn't make it through the night.

So close, and by accident, too. Ha.

 

[Applecore]

I like forests. Like...a lot. They're the only places I feel calm and safe. There's a religious aspect to that, too; I'm a druid (lowercase 'd').

I like books. Especially old ones. I'm guilty of occasionally buying a book just because it has a nice binding.

I like Dungeons and Dragons. I play a human druid. Because of course I do.

I like danger. I like doing the right thing. I'm a specialist law enforcement officer- the SAR was a volunteer role, these days- whose jurisdiction is mostly the sea and coastline. I don't have jurisdiction over normal police matters, but a lawman is a lawman, right? So I've intervened in a few things. I like going on boat or car patrols to little villages and chatting with the locals over coffee or a smoke. I don't want to just be a uniform that shows up once in a blue moon and makes life difficult.

You're right about smiles from women. I seem to be a bit of a magnet for women at a certain stage in their lives, which I guess my wife was comfortable with when she was one of them...or so she said, anyway.

Yeah, I mean, I could write pages about stuff I like. I'm actually normally a very happy guy, even with the PTSD (which makes me wonder about the validity of the diagnosis); if I were a musketeer, I'd be Porthos, my wife always said.

My partner when I was in the police (who is one of the reasons my wife decided to get a divorce) found out I was trying to lose weight and told me to stop because 'you're perfect; if I'd never seen you but someone described your personality and told me to draw the guy, I'd draw you'.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Apologies. I'm not very well, today, and I'm a bit sleep deprived. I had an allergic reaction to something I ate and almost didn't make it through the night.

So close, and by accident, too. Ha.

Having almost got killed from salmonella poisoning in a flea-bitten place in a faraway country, I recall the dilemma presented by simultaneously being faced with a war on two fronts: if I sat on the toilet my upper body didn't have enough freedom of movement for the projectile vomiting, but if I knelt down in from of the toilet I had no control over the destination of the simultaneous projectile diarrhea.

Turns out 'wet rooms' have their use after all, so the kneeling technique became the preferred solution given that I was in one. It didn't only feel like I was going to die, it felt like the universe was going to end. And then, it didn't.

If women like you then you might have something going for you after all. They say that the best way of getting over an old relationship is to get under a new one.

I loved the Lone Wolf series of game books when I was kid in the 1980s so I get the D&D thing although I've never tried it.

And yeah, books. There is so much good self-help reading for us out there (some of which I've recommended in this forum), just keep looking.

Books have taught me that we definitely all need people. Getting cut off from our next of kin and colleagues is devastating for very good evolutionary reasons, and those chemicals should be causing you the pain that they are causing you right now. This will pass.

Your body needs you to make new connections with new people, even if they feel shallow and irrelevant right now. Even introverts who like their privacy and solitude need to connect from time to time. You could look into walking groups and sailing groups, and a new D&D group, couldn't you?

Nature is my church so I can state for you what will be the obvious: put your head in a forest. Crappy weather in the UK this weekend but by Tuesday it looks like Storm Ashley will have passed. Laminated OS Maps are still a joy, how about ordering one today and planning a rail trip to near a forest with a network of footpaths that you haven't explored before? And a new pair of boots? You will, I am sure, feel better for it.

And then you'll be in a fitter state to plan the rest of your life.

Keep writing about what you like. The more pages the better. You'll be helping us, too.

 

[Captain Barnacles]

Having almost got killed from salmonella poisoning in a flea-bitten place in a faraway country, I recall the dilemma presented by simultaneously being faced with a war on two fronts: if I sat on the toilet my upper body didn't have enough freedom of movement for the projectile vomiting, but if I knelt down in from of the toilet I had no control over the destination of the simultaneous projectile diarrhea.

Turns out 'wet rooms' have their use after all, so the kneeling technique became the preferred solution given that I was in one. It didn't only feel like I was going to die, it felt like the universe was going to end. And then, it didn't.

If women like you then you might have something going for you after all. They say that the best way of getting over an old relationship is to get under a new one.

I loved the Lone Wolf series of game books when I was kid in the 1980s so I get the D&D thing although I've never tried it.

And yeah, books. There is so much good self-help reading for us out there (some of which I've recommended in this forum), just keep looking.

Books have taught me that we definitely all need people. Getting cut off from our next of kin and colleagues is devastating for very good evolutionary reasons, and those chemicals should be causing you the pain that they are causing you right now. This will pass.

Your body needs you to make new connections with new people, even if they feel shallow and irrelevant right now. Even introverts who like their privacy and solitude need to connect from time to time. You could look into walking groups and sailing groups, and a new D&D group, couldn't you?

Nature is my church so I can state for you what will be the obvious: put your head in a forest. Crappy weather in England this weekend but by Tuesday it looks like Storm Ashley will have passed. Laminated OS Maps are still a joy, how about ordering one today and planning a rail trip to near a forest with a network of footpaths that you haven't explored before? And a new pair of boots? You will, I am sure, feel better for it.

And then you'll be in a fitter state to plan the rest of your life.

Keep writing about what you like. The more pages the better. You'll be helping us, too.

My airways are still a bit swollen and raw and filled with mucus. It's nasty. I'm exhausted from spending all night having to breathe manually, as it were.

I completely ran out of air inside a fire at an industrial unit, once, after the team leader became delirious with heat stress and wandered the wrong way. It's a fun story to tell over a beer, but being short of breath scares the hell out of me.

Anyway, um, stuff I like...

I like apples. I grow them at home. My wife and I always planned to get a little smallholding and plant an orchard.

I like collecting records. Heavy metal and folk, mostly. I like the narrative nature common to those genres.

I like writing. I'm writing a book. Nothing serious, just a silly adventure story, mostly for my own entertainment. It has wizards.

I like my co-worker. Almost everyone except my best friend forgot my birthday this year. Even my kids. My wife remembered, but ignored it.c Well, this co-worker found out somehow that my birthday had been on the Friday- probably because she'd just added me as a friend on Facebook. Over the weekend she baked a great big cake in the shape of a heart, topped with strawberries to make it red. She came in on the Monday, on her day off, to deliver it. Obviously it got shared out with everyone, but it was for my birthday.

She's a keen gardener and outdoorsy type, too, so I gave her some tomato seeds and a nice card with a photo of mountains on it for her birthday. Mostly because I'm trying not to draw too much attention from our colleagues. I left them quietly on her desk one night. The next morning, I came in, she thanked me for them and stood up and excitedly announced 'look what I got for my birthday!'. Way to go. She keeps the card pinned on the wall next to her desk, though.

Sorry, I know I talk about her too much. I get like that.

I like wine. My wife and I got into making it during COVID. Blackcurrant is my favourite.

I've joined a club, of sorts, that meet up every so often in town. Sometimes just for drinks, sometimes we play games.

I like just lying on the bed, cuddled up next to my kids and listening to spooky podcasts.

I like figuring things out. I've got a case just now that, while I don't think it's a criminal matter, is a huge mystery and potentially very far above my paygrade if it turns out that what I think has happened has happened. My bosses aren't interested, though, so I've roped in my bff and Cake Girl to help. I've been told off for spending too much time investigating it (despite my having very little else to do right now) and my boss is starting to get on my back about where I am when I'm not in the office. Frankly, that just makes it more exciting. I do worry about getting Cake Girl into trouble, though- she already got moved to a different team because she had a fight with her boss after he was rude about me behind my back.

 

[Applecore]

My airways are still a bit swollen and raw and filled with mucus. It's nasty. I'm exhausted from spending all night having to breathe manually, as it were.

I completely ran out of air inside a fire at an industrial unit, once, after the team leader became delirious with heat stress and wandered the wrong way. It's a fun story to tell over a beer, but being short of breath scares the hell out of me.

Anyway, um, stuff I like...

I like apples. I grow them at home. My wife and I always planned to get a little smallholding and plant an orchard.

I like collecting records. Heavy metal and folk, mostly. I like the narrative nature common to those genres.

I like writing. I'm writing a book. Nothing serious, just a silly adventure story, mostly for my own entertainment. It has wizards.

I like my co-worker. Almost everyone except my best friend forgot my birthday this year. Even my kids. My wife remembered, but ignored it.c Well, this co-worker found out somehow that my birthday had been on the Friday- probably because she'd just added me as a friend on Facebook. Over the weekend she baked a great big cake in the shape of a heart, topped with strawberries to make it red. She came in on the Monday, on her day off, to deliver it. Obviously it got shared out with everyone, but it was for my birthday.

She's a keen gardener and outdoorsy type, too, so I gave her some tomato seeds and a nice card with a photo of mountains on it for her birthday. Mostly because I'm trying not to draw too much attention from our colleagues. I left them quietly on her desk one night. The next morning, I came in, she thanked me for them and stood up and excitedly announced 'look what I got for my birthday!'. Way to go. She keeps the card pinned on the wall next to her desk, though.

Sorry, I know I talk about her too much. I get like that.

I like wine. My wife and I got into making it during COVID. Blackcurrant is my favourite.

I've joined a club, of sorts, that meet up every so often in town. Sometimes just for drinks, sometimes we play games.

I like just lying on the bed, cuddled up next to my kids and listening to spooky podcasts.

I like figuring things out. I've got a case just now that, while I don't think it's a criminal matter, is a huge mystery and potentially very far above my paygrade if it turns out that what I think has happened has happened. My bosses aren't interested, though, so I've roped in my bff and Cake Girl to help. I've been told off for spending too much time investigating it (despite my having very little else to do right now) and my boss is starting to get on my back about where I am when I'm not in the office. Frankly, that just makes it more exciting. I do worry about getting Cake Girl into trouble, though- she already got moved to a different team because she had a fight with her boss after he was rude about me behind my back.

Well done. You've got a lot of resources here.

 

[Captain Barnacles]

Well done. You've got a lot of resources here.

I suppose I do.

On a real downer today.

I'm exhausted after the allergy I mentioned got worse and ended in a hospital visit.

My car is wrecked after an RTC so I have no transport. My boss was kind of an arsehole about it, given my 40+ mile commute. I had to had to get my dad to take two hours out of his day to drive me there.

Then my wife broke the news about the divorce to the kids while I was at work. I can only imagine the things she probably told them.

I started messaging my BFF and noticed Cake Girl was no longer a valid WhatsApp contact.

We're in the charity group chat, which handily popped up with a little notification that she has a new phone number.

Fair enough. She got a new phone. Poked the prompt and it updated her number.

By then I was already spiralling, though.

My BFF got some bad news of her own and wants to be left alone.

So I'm on here bitching to you guys. I haven't got anyone else.I know this isn't what this place is for, but I'm hanging on by my fingernails.