DID For y'all with did

[Hope4Now]

The temptation to refuse to engage with your coping mechanisms is one that I understand, but walking away from them completely should be based on the harm of the behavior itself, not the fact that they sometimes go too far.

Wow. This is something to think about for me. I often don't let myself do things because I feel like I shouldn't because they maybe just contribute to further dissociation. Yet they do let me escape from some of the really self-destructive stuff. I suppose maybe one has to weigh the cost/benefits.

 

[Hope4Now]

I have been discharged from the hospital (and, LOL, asked not to return there...I was not a good match for their services! Which is true!)

In the time since I posted this thread, something happened at the hospital...rather dramatic for me...I had a few moments of what I suppose are co-consciousness with my really activated part that was suicidal. I still don't know the whole story, but it was a start!

I am in search of a place to go that does therapy in a residential setting. This is what I need, mostly. Occasionally I need a few days of locked containment until the suicidal stuff passes--but 9 days in a locked facility that has nobody to really talk with about what is going on was not particularly helpful. I'm not sure what I'm needing exists. Most places seem to just do containment/cognitive-behavioral. This is okay for a bit, but doesn't help get to the core of what is causing this cycle in me. Sigh. I am lucky to have a great therapist and psychiatrist, and I am hoping I can do the work I need to do with them...without melting down and having to go to a hospital again. I am very good at using strategies when I am in my "right" mind, but when I get hijacked by parts, all strategies seem to cease existing. So until I can get connected somehow with these parts (the suicidal ones and the shutdown ones in particular), I will probably just stay locked in this cycle. Ugh.

Thank you all for your input on this. I have taken your suggestions to heart and perhaps if I can do some of these things it will keep the system calm.

 

[White0nWhite]

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With me or us... I usually know when A. and another protector/care taker M. are co-fronting. They each have a vibe about them it's a feeling. Communication is pretty strong with us. I know whats ME most of the time and what's their influence. Sometimes A is who I strive to be--- but I don't know. I'm taking life what day at a time.

M however managed to take of a lot of things in the disaster that was 2015. I have no memories of these things being done. But the proof is in the paper work (ie: a forklift class and license. I have NO memory of taking the classes or getting it. But when I moved back to my home state and started at my new store- they told me I didn't need the computer class. They said I had taken it that summer of '15 a few years ago. That I had it done and taken care of. The proof was there, they had the dates and times I took the classes I saw it in my profile- and I have no memory of that. I mean, Good job M. for getting the license. I did have a lot of hands on training before I was set off on my own. I only came to the dawning it was M. because he was helping me co-fronting while driving off and on through out work. hitting the gears via muscle memory. M does helpful things and sometimes doesn't chime in until I ask...? Not as on point and clear as Aubrey.

The "kids" however, it's like.... I'm gonna be honest because I feel like I've grown from the "original" and this mixture of shared memories between her and me... and I gotta protect them too? There are some hidden parts, tho, and idk I don't feel 100% comfortable talking about the kids openly. Like.. anywhere. Because if one tries to come out, and the guys can't help them, and one has a history of being destructive- it's just been a while. It would be a train wreak. We *do* live with family but none of them are really emotionally supportive if at all.

It was suggested by my last therapist I find the hidden parts so the massive memory (and money) loss that happened in 2013 doesn't happen again. But I'm afraid to with out an active support system that isn't the internet. But actual people I can call/see/visit. But wouldn't cause too much of a burden on them either in the long run.

 

[Hope4Now]

But I'm afraid to with out an active support system that isn't the internet. But actual people I can call/see/visit. But wouldn't cause too much of a burden on them either in the long run.

Yes, I too need to figure out the hidden parts (as well as the not hidden parts). Even with a real live therapist it is pretty scary. I think it is really important to have a solid support system--people who can hold space for you as the old stuff crashes through into consciousness.

But maybe it won't crash through. Sometimes I find that if I can get calm and centered (a challenge) and open my heart up with some curiosity and compassion, little bits kind of float into consciousness. This has been happening for around three years and gradually some sort of picture of the past has emerged. So perhaps what people say is true--your system will not allow you to know and feel more than it can handle.

 

[Poofycat]

I've found that I can communicate better with some parts if I can find some common ground that isn't related to trauma stuff. Like the part I call Knife (because it wants to carve my skin off) LOVES my puppy. I'm pretty terrified of this part, but I can manage to talk to it a bit, or at least be in its presence without feeling fear, if we take the puppy for a walk in my imagination. So now one of the first things I try when trying to communicate with a part is giving them their own version of the puppy. And I can connect with Ruby, my part that has sex, by exercising and doing things that make me look better physically.

Another thing that has worked for me, but is terrifying so I don't do it very often, is admitting to my parts that I don't know anything or have any answers. I do this when no one will talk to me, and it's done similar to how you described yelling into the void. My parts don't trust me. So presenting myself to them as kind of an empty slate gives them an opportunity to fill me in on what they think I need to know at the moment. It's usually not very pleasant, but it relieves some of the pressure that builds up when communication isn't happening and I'm feeling unhinged or disorganized or whatever that feeling is when you know you're starting to lose it.

Great thread btw! Very helpful!

 

[talon]

How do you speed the way to co-consciousness? And how do you know you truly ARE co-conscious and not j...

how many alters are there and is there someone who is close and who understands DID and is trusted by you. If so they might get your alters to reveal themselves and talk over their fears. I managed 20 from baby ,toddlers ,teens to adults . I got them to correspond through notes and emails . Keep a diary and leave it open write down how you feel and invite your inner selves to speak

 

[Hope4Now]

how many alters are there and is there someone who is close and who understands DID and is trusted by you.

I made a map of the ones I know in January. Gave it to therapist and psychiatrist and husband. Only my therapist sometimes talks to them, but not too often. It is helpful when he does. But we have started doing EMDR (not with traumatic stuff, just doing safe place establishment), so he isn't doing the talking anymore. Sometimes they come out in front of these three people. Rarely in front of anybody else except really subtly I think or in ways that people think I was just in a weird mood. I think it is probably mostly up to me.

 

[Sweetz]

Hi I have been dealing with this for 2 years now. I know what you're going through.

I actually did take lots of mixed tablets. My tongue swelled and blisted. I couldn't eat when I woke. I just sat and cried.
I still have suicidal thoughts and I'm scared to close my eyes but I've found just looking at what I'm going to use and having pictures of ppl I need helps. Coz when your looking at what may kill u and them pics, u think how will they cope if I did kill myself? Will the pain actually go away or will I just destroy them? xx

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you for your empathy. I am sad that you, too, deal with this terrible inner battle. I like your idea of the photos. Perhaps use those to "update" the parts that know nothing of the good people in my life now (at least I assume so, or they wouldn't be doing the things they do!)

will I just destroy them?

This. This is what appalls me about my suicidality. I have lost friends to suicide as recently as a year ago, and a family member attempted when I was young. It was a hideous experience. I, too, must remember to keep my family and friends in mind as best I can when I get hijacked by this self-destructive energy.

Thanks for your post. May you find peace within and around you.