I've been having an ongoing struggle with what I thought was a boundary issue with my husband. However, I had a breakthrough in therapy and discovered that what had actually been happening is that I'm being triggered. It stems from a boundary issue with my abuser.
Usually I'm pretty good at recognizing when I take ownership for other people's feelings and then resolving it by establishing healthy boundaries. However, I've noticed how upset I become when my husband is stressed about our lack of physical intimacy or even stuff that has nothing to do with me. I kept hearing myself say, "I don't know why I keep taking his stuff personally!" I feel like I should know better or that I have the skills to get past this. Yet, this has been a persistent problem.
It finally dawned on me that when I was a child, I desperately wanted to have a father/daughter relationship with my step-dad. He was an alcoholic, was emotionally unavailable and very aloof. But one day, he showed interest in what I wanted and asked me to cuddle with him. I was so happy. Tragically, this was a bait and switch so that he could molest me.
Today, if my husband tries to initiate any physical contact whatsoever - a hug, a handshake, or anything, I get triggered because of how my step-dad weaseled his way into inappropriate contact.
Meanwhile, I had come up with a plan for my husband and I to work on physical intimacy through a form of exposure therapy. I came up with a list of activities we could do that I could feel comfortable with. We're going to have a set time when we'll work on them. First, we'll each do things separately to feel grounded and centered. Then we'll do the exercises. I'll have a phrase I'll say if I need a break or have had enough. I'll have a mantra and other tools I can use if I disassociate or get triggered. When we're done we'll go separate ways to re-center and reflect on how things went, the come back together to discuss it.
A key piece for me was knowing that he had the tools he needed to behave in a supportive way even if he felt rejected or stressed. Sometimes when he's stressed, whether from feelings of rejection or something else, he can take it out on me. This is counterproductive to me feeling safe with working on things.
Sometimes, just in the ordinary context of our lives together, he gets stressed which causes him to become detached and aloof. I was taking this very personally even though I cognitively knew that if he is upset, that's HIS stuff to deal with. It was making me feel not ready to start the exercises with him.
I told my therapist that I did not think it was feasible for me to refuse to work on our stuff until he behaves "perfectly" while under stress. I think it's reasonable for someone to want some temporary emotional detachment while processing difficult emotions. Yet, I found his behavior while stressed to be so threatening.
Then a light bulb went off! I'm viewing his behavior as my step-dad's behavior! If I want to get close to someone aloof, my PTSD brain thinks this is dangerous!
Now that I have the realization, I think I'll be capable of not taking things personally.
My husband and I also discussed that he will feel much better once we start implementing our exposure therapy plan. I didnt think I was ready yet. However, I think I can come up with some super easy stuff for us to do that will at least establish the structure of our plan. I can even come up with activities that don't involve touching yet - maybe just sitting close or doing something that helps us feel emotionally close.
I feel very empowered that I am in control of my healing and my body! I am happy that I finally identified that my perplexing "boundary" issue was actually a sneaky PTSD trigger.
I'm also learning to pay attention when there's something out of the ordinary or persistent going on with me. For example, if I have certain negative, hopeless thoughts and feelings that are not like me, that's a cue I'm having a CPTSD emotional flashback. In this case, I was struggling with something that usually isn't that hard for me- setting boundaries. I really am developing into my own PTSD detective.
Oh, one last thing- I started taking vitamin D and Iron supplements due to deficiencies discovered in my lab work. It's only been a few days and I can feel my libido coming back. Strangest thing ever! LOL
Usually I'm pretty good at recognizing when I take ownership for other people's feelings and then resolving it by establishing healthy boundaries. However, I've noticed how upset I become when my husband is stressed about our lack of physical intimacy or even stuff that has nothing to do with me. I kept hearing myself say, "I don't know why I keep taking his stuff personally!" I feel like I should know better or that I have the skills to get past this. Yet, this has been a persistent problem.
It finally dawned on me that when I was a child, I desperately wanted to have a father/daughter relationship with my step-dad. He was an alcoholic, was emotionally unavailable and very aloof. But one day, he showed interest in what I wanted and asked me to cuddle with him. I was so happy. Tragically, this was a bait and switch so that he could molest me.
Today, if my husband tries to initiate any physical contact whatsoever - a hug, a handshake, or anything, I get triggered because of how my step-dad weaseled his way into inappropriate contact.
Meanwhile, I had come up with a plan for my husband and I to work on physical intimacy through a form of exposure therapy. I came up with a list of activities we could do that I could feel comfortable with. We're going to have a set time when we'll work on them. First, we'll each do things separately to feel grounded and centered. Then we'll do the exercises. I'll have a phrase I'll say if I need a break or have had enough. I'll have a mantra and other tools I can use if I disassociate or get triggered. When we're done we'll go separate ways to re-center and reflect on how things went, the come back together to discuss it.
A key piece for me was knowing that he had the tools he needed to behave in a supportive way even if he felt rejected or stressed. Sometimes when he's stressed, whether from feelings of rejection or something else, he can take it out on me. This is counterproductive to me feeling safe with working on things.
Sometimes, just in the ordinary context of our lives together, he gets stressed which causes him to become detached and aloof. I was taking this very personally even though I cognitively knew that if he is upset, that's HIS stuff to deal with. It was making me feel not ready to start the exercises with him.
I told my therapist that I did not think it was feasible for me to refuse to work on our stuff until he behaves "perfectly" while under stress. I think it's reasonable for someone to want some temporary emotional detachment while processing difficult emotions. Yet, I found his behavior while stressed to be so threatening.
Then a light bulb went off! I'm viewing his behavior as my step-dad's behavior! If I want to get close to someone aloof, my PTSD brain thinks this is dangerous!
Now that I have the realization, I think I'll be capable of not taking things personally.
My husband and I also discussed that he will feel much better once we start implementing our exposure therapy plan. I didnt think I was ready yet. However, I think I can come up with some super easy stuff for us to do that will at least establish the structure of our plan. I can even come up with activities that don't involve touching yet - maybe just sitting close or doing something that helps us feel emotionally close.
I feel very empowered that I am in control of my healing and my body! I am happy that I finally identified that my perplexing "boundary" issue was actually a sneaky PTSD trigger.
I'm also learning to pay attention when there's something out of the ordinary or persistent going on with me. For example, if I have certain negative, hopeless thoughts and feelings that are not like me, that's a cue I'm having a CPTSD emotional flashback. In this case, I was struggling with something that usually isn't that hard for me- setting boundaries. I really am developing into my own PTSD detective.
Oh, one last thing- I started taking vitamin D and Iron supplements due to deficiencies discovered in my lab work. It's only been a few days and I can feel my libido coming back. Strangest thing ever! LOL
