Relationship He Just Slowly Disappeared And Now Nothing. . .

[TiffanyBlueandYou]

None of my friends have any military experience or dating experience with the military so I'm just looking for some advice or support.

Met my guy a while ago. We live 4 hours away from each other so it's semi 'long distance'.

He's a combat vet who is currently still active in the military. (9 more years to go) He's been overseas a handful of times. He occasionally has slight panic/anxiety attacks (I'm not sure if there's a difference so forgive me) when meeting a new group of people, when he's in a large crowd, or just in a new unfamiliar setting. He also get night terrors and once in awhile, I'll catch him in the middle of the night whimpering and crying in bed. I've often asked him to talk to me about what his dreams/nightmares were but he'd always tell me he was fine and it was his burden to deal with.

Fast forward - We're in the process of moving in together but then he had to go to training on the west coast and I had to fly home to see my parents so we put it on hold. Because of the time difference and his many friends still in that state, he really didn't have time to talk. The occasional text and 5 min. conversations. I can feel a difference in his responses and his tone.

About 10 days into training, he texts and says he needs to talk to me. So I call and he tells me that he has no idea what happened and when it happened but his bad thoughts are back and he feels like he's constantly trying to stay above water. I ask if there's anything I can do to help, he says no, that I'm the perfect girl, I did nothing wrong and can't do anything to help.

He says he needs to help himself and can't deal with the added burden of a relationship at this moment. He wants to break up. He says he's broken and damaged and doesn't deserve to be with me and wants me to go find someone better, someone not broken, someone that isn't him. He wishes he could juggle his life, my life, and our life but it's just too much. He still me to know that I'm his best friend. He says I can decide whether or not I want to speak to him because he knows he's hurt me and is as disappointed in himself as he could be. He says he's going to seek professional help because he loves me and wants to go where our future is leading.

Since that phone call, we've had one phone conversation after his psych eval. He was extremely emotional and told me how much he missed, loved and cared for me. He tells me he was wrong to break up with me, and he no longer wants to be 'broken up' because he knows that means the end for us, and he can't deal with me not being in his life. But he does want to take some time apart (a 'break' like in Friends between Ross & Rachel) and he tells me it's okay for me to go find someone else in the meantime but he won't be doing that. He doesn't want me to move out, in fact, he wants me to continue with our upcoming Easter plans, and our vacation plans in May. That was over a week ago, since that, he hasn't called me, texted me. I've send him texts to make sure he is okay, and I can see that he's reading them but actively not responding.

I'm confused and hurt. I'm upset but I can't very well be upset at him can I? Am I naïve in thinking we're gonna be OK? I've been reading other threads and I see similar stories and I'm just hoping for someone to talk to. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I can't imagine what he's going through and I just want him to be. . . okay? happy?

I know I'm emotional so I probably missed some general information, lemme know if you need more info or clarification. Sorry for the long long read and thanks in advance for everyone's input. I truly deeply appreciate it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... if he is starting treatment for PTSD, he probably really can't handle a standard relationship right now. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Relationships are stress, even good ones. It means he can't even handle his own emotions right now, so how is he supposed to deal with yours?

He's falling apart. Think of it as trying to tread water when you're on the verge of drowning. You can't help anybody else swim. You have to save yourself.

It sounds horribly selfish. That's life when you're dealing with a partner who has a mental illness. There are times when the mental illness rules the roost.

You can't take it personally. He said it wasn't you, it was his mental state. That seems more than feasible with PTSD. Your relationship dynamics would have to shift if you want to stay with him.

 

[Linzee]

@TiffanyBlueandYou I am sorry to hear this pain you're going through. From what you say though, things do sound promising in as much as he recognises his need for help. And that whilst he's seeking this know's he can't be fully present in a relationship to give you what you deserve.

I won't sugar coat things, being shut out is a lonely, depressing experience to begin with. Cry if you need to and then have a word with yourself and remember that you can do very little to aide this process apart from giving space.

Not sure how many of these periods of isolation you've been through but things do ease off after a good 1-2 weeks solid no contact. You will feel better able to cope and his symptoms are probably dying down as well. I hate to think of anyone crying themselves to sleep:(.

I no longer check my phone for missed calls/voicemails/texts and I'm kind of okay with that. Try and let the whole situation drift to the back of your mind and carry on with your life as normal. Nicest surprise comes when they suddenly contact you out of the blue wanting to reconnect! By then you may feel differently but its certainly nice to have them wanting to check in on us for a change and making a little effort. Hugs :hug:

 

[TiffanyBlueandYou]

@Sweetpea76 - I'm willing to wait for him. I understand that seeking assistance is the first step and I'm glad he's doing that. I just feel so disconnected. In his phone call last week, he said all the right things and I felt so bad that he had to reassure me that everything was going to be 'okay' with us. I wanted to be the one to say those things but truthfully, I don't know if things will be okay. It's hard just letting go, and giving him his space when we were in the process of starting our lives together, and moving in together. It was so hot, and now it's so so cold.

@Linzee - I'm okay with not being in a relationship with him, but is it so wrong to want just a little type of contact or acknowledgement? I'm genuinely worried about him sometimes and I don't sleep until I see that he read my message so I know he's alive. (Yes, I know how morbid that sounds) Being completely shut out is so confusing when he's the one that said he'd like me to stay in his life, and he considers me his best friend. Is that 'normal', to say something like that and then disappear? Since we've met, I've known that he has bad days when he shuts the world out, but he's actually never shut me out. (Well until now)

Question - Do I proceed with our plans for Easter weekend, or do I just not contact him and ignore that we ever made plans? He's the one that said we should continue our Easter plans, but that was last week, and we haven't spoken since then.

 

[TiffanyBlueandYou]

Small update:

He called me Weds night and asked if I was coming over for the weekend. We spoke for an hour and he seemed like his old self again. Happy, talkative, affectionate.

I get there Thurs night and he opens the door, avoids eye contact and goes back to playing video games. The entire weekend was an emotional rollercoaster which I kinda expected. There were a handful of times when it was like he was my boyfriend again and then there were times when he was just silent or downright cold.

He'd hold me and tell me that I was the only positive thing in his life and he's never been more sure of anything and then 10 minutes later, tell me to get off of him and move to the other side of the couch. Or he'd caress my hand and kiss it, but when I go to interlock our fingers, he'd say that I'm not his girlfriend.

We had 3 deep conversations. We talked about his time overseas, about his treatment plan, our 'relationship/friendship' boundaries, what 'we' were. One conversation led to us screaming and eventually crying together.

I think after this emotional weekend, I've come to realize that him wanting to see me and I wanting to do the same is just hurting the both of us. He isn't ready for me to be back in his life when he's trying so hard to deal with himself. I have to learn to support him from afar and if it's just a friends, then fine. I just want him to be happy again and feel okay. I just have to follow @Linzee and not 'move on' but really just block this from my mind and try to live my life.

 

[Deleted member 39414]

@TiffanyBlueandYou Glad you found this forum. This crazymaking is normal. And so confusing. I've been dealing with this for almost four months now. My combat vet and I were together 16 months and lived together for six months when his ptsd triggered and he abrubtly moved out. He told me I was the love of his life and his best friend. Then he told me to move on. I would send him texts. No response. I gave him my cat when I went away for a week and when I got back I just sent an emoji of a cat. He said he would bring him over. I called and said he could keep him because I was going to be moving in with a friend. He said, "But that's your baby." I know my cat is happier with him because he needs lots of TLC and he and his kids and cat all love him. But I couldn't resist saying, "It's a cold, cruel world. One day you love something. The next day, you throw them under a bus." Other people on this forum have gotten back with their SOs with PTSD. But I am painfully not expecting that any more. He has completely shut me out. I wish you much strength and solace. xo

 

[Linzee]

Small update:

He called me Weds night and asked if I was coming over for the weekend. We spo...

Sorry this is so tough right now for you hun. I don't think you did anything wrong and you shouldn't feel like you're treading on egg shells when around him and simply trying to show some affection.

Good news is that he is clearly very fond of you, that's why he agrees to meeting with you. Bad news is, he's clearly not ready for a relationship, which is why he literally keeps you at arms length.

Don't be too hard on yourself, I haven't seen my SO in 9 weeks. We last spoke 3 weeks ago. I had a bit of a wobble at the weekend and got really down and sad and felt so lonely. Went out for a drive through the countryside and saw whay too many happy couples and families out strolling enjoying the Easter break. I felt every emotion under the sun all at once and wanted to throw up!

I didn't reach out to my SO though, he would feel terrible if he knew how this affected me sometimes. I don't want him to feel guilty as I choose to stick by him and so am (potentially) choosing to learn how to be in a relationship long term with a PTSD sufferer. I have to find my own coping mechanisms and strength to support myself.

Its so so hard to do but very simple at the same time. Leave him be (exactly as you are doing) some no contact time will do him no harm to reflect on everything he's dealing with, including your absence and what you mean to him.

No need to climb mountains or run marathons, just get back to everyday activities in your life and the weeks roll by in to months. When he's ready, he will contact you and if you are receptive to it the ball is in your court to establish some boundaries. That way you can hopefully prevent a lot of the 'push me pull me' confusion. If he doesn't stick to the agreed boundaries you go straight back to no contact. He can't have it both ways, you hurt also.

All relationships (including PTSD one's) require a certain standard of care and communication towards each other. That is not an unreasonable request.

My SO has never snapped at me, disrespected me or physically pushed me away when I've shown affection, he's always been receptive and gentle (whether or not he actually feels that way inside). So its sad to hear that others go through this.

Please feel free to follow me for support. When I was upset and down at the weekend, I came straight here to read and get my head together again. There are so many kind people here who are generous with their advice and stories. I've decided to carry on and just be the best person I can for myself and hope life holds good things for he and I in the future, because he really is the love of my life.

 

[TiffanyBlueandYou]

He told me I was the love of his life and his best friend. Then he told me to move on. I would send him texts. No response.

@Savasana, I am also extremely glad I found this forum as well. It's a relief for me to know that I'm not the first one going through this and I'm not going through it alone. Reading your post hits me so hard. My SO told me the same thing, during our break and again this weekend. It's hard hearing those words and then having no contact or interaction for what seems like forever. If you don't mind me asking, what was the 'final straw' that made you think that there's nothing more moving forward? I'm terrified to get to that point and I know I have to set a timeline for myself because I can't be stuck in this loop forever. I am so sorry that you went through this, but so happy that you're able to shed some light on my situation.

 

[TiffanyBlueandYou]

Sorry this is so tough right now for you hun. I don't think you did anything wrong and you shouldn't fee...

That's exactly what it feels like, walking on eggshells because I don't know which version of HIM I'm going to get. He can be his old joking self, and the next, be completely down and serious.

I'm glad he's open to talking to me and meeting with me. He said a lot of things this weekend that made me hopeful of a future. I understand this mean 'version' of himself says things to just push me away, but it's hard to just disregard the hurtful things he says and does. I wish I had thicker skin but I can't seem to just brush it off.

He did open up a little more this weekend and said if I had questions, he'd tried his best to explain things to me. The way he explained it to me was that there was a war was going on between the two sides of his brain, one side telling him that he should love, hold me, and never let me go, and the other side telling him to let me go because I deserve better because he's a broken man and I don't deserve to have to deal with his issues.

I'm sorry this past weekend wasn't good for you. I saw lovey dovey couples when we went out this weekend too and I felt so alone even though he was standing right next to me. It just wasn't the same. I ended telling him I didn't feel good so we ended up staying home the rest of the weekend. I couldn't go out there with him and not want to hold his hand, not want to kiss him, not want to hug him. It was so horrible. But hey, look on the bright side, Easter candy is now on sale! =]

There are so many kind people here who are generous with their advice and stories. I've decided to carry on and just be the best person I can for myself and hope life holds good things for he and I in the future, because he really is the love of my life.

I'm so grateful for the advice @Linzee. Truly. Reading other threads and stories also make me hopeful. I don't believe this is the end either for me and my SO. Maybe I'm naive but I'm not ready to let go of this magical feeling.

 

[Deleted member 39414]

@Savasana, I am also extremely glad I found this forum as well. It's a rel...

@TiffanyBlueandYou My final final straw was today. I shared a link to some photos I took for class. He's an artist and encouraged my photography. He wrote back, smile and say cheese. I called him to see why he was so dismissive and he said, I've moved on. I have other priorities.
OMFG. What a dick. I'm sorry he has PTSD but the other week when I dropped off my cat, he was crazy sweet, telling me how great I looked. Kept hugging me. Invited me in.
After that call, he wrote me what a wonderful friends I am and to please write him.
I said I couldn't if he had moved on. I've been in crazy land now for four months and he hasn't changed towards me.
So so sad.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Savasana Im sorry you hurt. I truly understand the feeling. My therapist tells me my sufferer knows what she is doing to me and sometimes they decide to "set us free" even if we don't want to be set free in the sense they see it.

It's an insane roller coaster ride. Its really tough to understand what would be somewhat easier if the PTSD wasn't involved.

@TiffanyBlueandYou You are absolutely correct about which version you will get. Over a lot of years I've come to see that when the demons from my sufferers past reaches out and touches me through my sufferer, I have the past version. When they don't, I have the present version. And we as supporters don't have a way to fix that. In my case, the past version seems to be winning because she has emotionally and mentally hit the road but my thinking is that as long as she continues to go to therapy, I might get her back. If not, we grieve the loss, pick ourselves up, and move forward.

I wish you both well. Take care of you.

 

[TiffanyBlueandYou]

@Savasana I'm so sorry that happened to you. Did you happen to ask him to elaborate on what he meant by 'moved on'? I can't help but feel like you deserve an explanation, even if it's hard for him to talk about or explain. I know it might be a lot of ask from him but you deserve something other than 'I've moved on.' 4 months, waiting on him to show you something, some emotion, some compassion couldn't have been easy. And truthfully, if that happened to me, I'd be done as well. I've only been going through this 'isolation' for the past month and it already feels like hell. I really can't imagine going through it long term, and my heart breaks for you. I'm glad my sufferer is willing to open up when I press him, and I know it's not right for me to press him when he's not even sure of what's going on, but I felt like I needed concrete answers. I'm thankful that he was at least willing to talk to me this past weekend and took his time to describe what was going on and how he was feeling.

I'm so sorry. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you or if you want to just vent to someone. I'd be happy to chat/talk with you. No one should have to go through this alone. I know I couldn't have gone through the past month without this forum and the lovely people here. <3

@Snowflakes I'm thinking the same thing, I can't fix him unless he wants to fix himself. If what he told me this past weekend was true, and that he's willing to seek therapy and continue therapy until he gets to a place where we can be 'together', then I am hopeful. He says I'm the only reason he's even seeking therapy and that scares me.

This weekend, he told me that he's been in this place before with 2 other girls, and he ended up leaving them and not seeking therapy because he said he 'didn't really love them anyways' so he just left it alone. But with me it's 'different', I spark a feeling in him that makes him want to get better because he can't risk me not being in his life. Yeah, it sounds great and all, but his actions are so...wishy-washy. And I want to be hopeful, I want to be supportive, I want to stay in his life, but if and when this effects my every day life, I'm going to have to stop. I'm going to have to let it go. I really hope it doesn't get to that point.

Thanks again for everyone's continued concern and support. It's deeply appreciated.