Relationship Engaged To A Man With Ptsd And I Need Help Saving Our Relationship!

[Jeromy's13]

I have been with my fiancé for over a year now. At the start of the relationship he was a major alchoholic. Since then he sought help and was diagnosed with severe PTSD. This isnt from a war but instead a tramatic event. He suffers from anxiety. I want to make it work with him because i do love him. The biggest problem at the moment is that i have kids. They are my kids and not his. He says that when they get to loud or misbehave they cause anxiety for him and he just wants to leave or begins getting on to me about getting the kids under contol. The thing is they are just being kids. They are 8, 5, and 3. They run, they play, they get loud. I dont know what to do to help him without making my kids feel like they have to be quite everyday of their lives. Please someone help save my family.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can totally relate to him. My step sister, her husband, and their roudy 6 yr old son lived at my house for about 6 months. I was basically pushing them out the door towards the end. Noise makes my anxiety WAY worse. I made sure not to let her son know though.

He needs to manage his symptoms, not you. I found a quiet area to be or used my ear buds to watch stuff on my phone or just used them to muffle the noise. But it isnt up to you to make sure his anxiety isn't going up, its on him. I mean if the kids are super out of control then maybe just normal disapline but other then that tell him to find a quiet area of the home.

 

[Jeromy's13]

Thank you for your input. He has however tried to go to a quite area of the house. Unfortunately he chose to sit in the only bathroom in the house and run the shower to drown out the noise. That works ok for him until someone has to use the bathroom naturally. I have tried to offer alternatives for him but its as tho, if it isnt his idea then he seems to think im trying to trap him. He does like to take off and go for a drive. That sometimes causes issues because i feel like he's neglecting me. Maybe Im being selfish but my real worry about him driving around is that he will end up at an old friends house and start drinking again. So then what do i do?

 

[Sweetpea76]

The noise can be triggering, especially if his trauma has anything to do with children or being a child. My vet can't stand to hear kids cry and whine because of something that happened in Iraq. He's not trying to be a dick about it, but there are times he cannot be around kids. It's not something he has any control over now. It's the nature of the PTSD beast.

Can you take the kids to a park if he gets to the point where he can't take it? Maybe you guys can work out a code word or something... that way he can stay at home and settle down and the kids can run and be loud like kids do. It's not ideal, and obviously it couldn't be an all day everyday thing, but it's an escape hatch if it gets bad.

Unfortunately you'll have to learn to adapt to some aspects of the PTSD. Things like anxiety, panic attacks, and triggers are things you'll have to give him some leeway with. Kids can't help it, but neither can he.

 

[Jeromy's13]

Thats a great suggestion. He would have some quite and the kids would love it as well. Im feeling so much better knowing that there are things i can do to help him. I was so worried that our relAtionship was hopeless because i had kids.i always felt like he was attacking my kids. Which in turn brings out the momma bear in me. We have a ton of issues but i will be happy knowing that we can work on them one at a time. I love him more than anyone and will gladly fight for us. Im a music lover and i feel like the song issues by julia Michaels fits us perfectly.

 

[Flip flop]

I have been with my fiancé for over a year now. At the start of the relationship he was a major alc...

I hope this does not come off as rude; however, are you seeing a therapist or licensed counselor? I could write on here when I think you should do for your family, but I do not think that would be appropriate. I wish you the best.


I meant "what" instead of "when." Sorry.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I have kids and have been with my sufferer for years. You eventually adapt and overcome. Communication helps. Have you sat down with him to talk about some solutions and ideas? He may have some good ideas. Even him knowing you're putting in the effort can go a long way to help.

 

[Jeromy's13]

I personally havent sought a therapist but he has. He's currently medicated and talking to a counselor weekly. As far as sitti g down together to come up with solutions, he's not the greatest communicator. It's very hard to get him to open up and talk, even if its for help. He seems to prefer just hopping in his truck and taking off for a bit. He says he just needs some time alone but ends up talking to friends that arent the best people. Maybe Im just taking things to personally?

 

[Snowflakes]

@Jeromy's13 I learned from people here that a supporter can often use a therapist to help them cope. I go to one now. I wish I had gone sooner.

And, yes, the hardest thing for me to do in the past was to not take things to personally. Sufferers here and my therapist taught me that.

I wish you well, take care.

 

[Jeromy's13]

@Jeromy's13 I learned from people here that a supporter can often use a therapist...

Thank you so much snowflakes. I want you to know that I am taking your advice and going to seek a therapist for myself. Having someone to talk to and be able to have feedback is always helpful. My biggest need is to know that I am doing the best I can to help him and try not to make things worse because I am taking things to personal. Im a female and act as such when it comes to my emotions. I have a hard time keeping them in check and I am beginning to realise that, that doesnt help him out at all.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe Im just taking things to personally?

I think so because of

He does like to take off and go for a drive. That sometimes causes issues because i feel like he's neglecting me. Maybe Im being selfish but my real worry about him driving around is that he will end up at an old friends house and start drinking again. So then what do i do?

Let him go for a drive. Its not about you. And he isnt meaning to neglect you but have you ever felt like "i just need to get away"? It's like that times a millon.

Let him find his own place to chill. Tell him he needs find another place besides the only bathroom but if that ends up being a drive or a friend to hang with. Then fine. Let him be. He is a big boy. If he ends up drinking again then that can be delt with but you are trying to parent him there, in my opinion, and parent/child dymanics in a relationship doesn't generally work out. I understand the concern but let him be unless or until drinking occures.

Hanging out with bad people and doing risk seeking behaviors are all part of PTSD (in my world) and he needs to work it out on his own.

Again, I get the concern but id say think to yourself "he's a big boy and can deal with this himself unless he asks me for help". And if he does then be there for him. Be open and honest and understanding and gentle and non-judgemental.

And I also understamd feeling neglected in a relationship and that should be addressed too. Your feelings matter too. So I would also strongly advise marrital therapy or couples therapy. That way each of you can get the help needed to make the relationship work for you both.

Those are my 3 cents anyway.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there. I'm glad you're reaching out for information! My advice, since you're going to be a family is to get a couple of books for children on PTSD. Your two older children are old enough to learn a bit about what their step father is dealing with. You should keep them informed (age appropriate)so they don't think it's them upsetting him. Just my 2 cents. Others may disagree.... Strap yourself in, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Good luck!!!