General Confused

[lauralynn36]

I am currently married to a war vet who has been diagnosed with ptsd. The man i fell in love with and married seems to be gone most of the time. My husband was always the better of the two of us. He would call all the time to let me know if he was going to be late or if plans had changed or just to say hello. He was a very loving and carring individual who was ultra loyal. We had our first child the day after he came home. At first he seemed fine just a little withdrawn. after about 3 months he was used to the new baby and he started going out with his friends every friday night and thruought the weekend. at first i didnt think much about it since we always went out on fridays before having our child and i figured he just needed the space. He eventualy started not calling and letting me know he wasnt going to be on time coming home. He has been very secretive about who he hangs out with and knows. I tried to go out to the bar and just hangout with him for a few hours and he got very upset and said i couldnt that it was his time alone and that he would be mad if i came out. i again let him have his space. He on several occations never called home and didnt show back up untill the next morning and never answred his phone. His responce to this was that he was sorry but he got so drunk he couldnt call a taxi so he stayed at a friends house who was sober.

I told him it was ok that i was just concerned and that i was glad that he had not driven drunk. However he decided that it was just easier to stay somewhere else on fri nights rather than driving or calling a cab. eventually i approched him and asked that he try to stay sober enough to call a cab one or two times a month so that i could atleast wake up next to him in the morining. i explained to him i just went 12 months without him and it was difficult to not have him next to me when he was home and could be. he proceded to get pissed off and tell me that he would not be put on some time schedual and that i had no right to be upset since he came home every other day. i gave in and let him have his space thinking thats what he needed. then one day i was on the internet and i guess my husband had logged on to his e-mail and didnt shut it down. i clicked on a email link and it brought up his email. he had been very secretive about one girl in particular and when i saw her name on an email i couldnt help but look at the email. (as i said he was always ultra loyal so i thaught my worries about this woman were all due to the fact that we were pregnant again.) so i figured that i would look at the email and see that it was nothing and i was overreacting and that would be that. (i know i was wrong to invade his privacy and had never done it before) what i found was not plutonic. it was him setting up a date to meet her and have sex from a year ago. I confronted him with it and he said he couldnt remember anything and that if it was talk about sex than it was only a joke. i tried to find more info out and in that prosuit found another text to another girl we knew talking about sex likes and dislikes and him trying to set up a time to meet her when he got home saying that it was ok because i would not care because i would not know and that it was just sex and nothing more. i had printed out the first email and after many failed attempts to have him be honest i showed him the letter and he admited to setting up the meeting and planing on it however he said he couldnt go thurough with it explained it to the girl and it ended there ,and that they were just friends now.

I told him that i didnt want him to talk to her outside of work since it upset me. he then got mad and said that since he didnt have sex with her that i couldnt tell him who he could and could not talk to and had no right to be upset and that things should go back to normal. i told him i found the other text and he said that it ment nothing and that he would never have met up with her that he was just messing around one night and wanted to see what she would say. i asked him how he could do such things while we were pregnant with our first child and while he talked to me everyday telling me he loved me and he said he didnt know but that things were messed up out there and he wasnt thinking right. he saw a lot of combat and said that it messed him up but that he did not and would not cheat on me and he was sorry. i am trying to move past all of this but it is hard. i want to trust him because i know the man who he was wouldnt cheat but he is so diffrent i just dont know if the new him can. he has been seeing a tharapist since he got home and i am happy for that but it seems as though she just wants to medicate him and not teach him coping teqniques. he refuses the medication and drinks alot. he seems to have good days and bad, good moments and bad. one minute he will be the most carring and loving man like he was then he will pull away and be back to his new secrative self. i just dont know what to do to help him and our marriage he seems to be really tring to change but is having dificulties doing so. i love him and want to stand by him. if anyone has delt with simmilar please let me know what might help.
thanks for letting me vent,

lauralynn36

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum lauralynn36

 

[malibran]

Hello Lauralynn36

I read your posting and actually feel sick to my stomach for you. I understand what you are dealing with and with children in the story it must be overwhelming for you unless you have some really good friends and family to see you through.

Apart from PTSD ..if I can partition things for a minute,... there is the drinking issue and related behaviors, the late nights, lies, deceit, infedelity etc --but above all this is the utter change in this mans personality. Yes his moods and ill will are also a PTSD factor but it is also what your plain old fashioned drunk does without the PTSD.

Your husband refuses meds from the Doctor but he is self medicating as he drinks. This will really make a very bad illness much much worse. And you have to make a life for these 2 children somehow.

I suggest Alanon because it will be probably easy to find such a group even though your situation is more complex. At least till you can sort things out it will help you calm down to make contact with women who (for other reasons than a spouse with PTSD) are struggling with similar issues.

Also it is free ...or nearly so, you are asked for a donation and a dollar will do.

I think when children are involved it changes everything. What you could/would stay and try to mend without kids is another matter. Maybe you can not stay with him with kids and he is no help on the parenting side either I would guess.

Don't think this will get better. It will not get better unless he is on meds and takes recovery very seriously. He may have to ruin this marriage and lose his kids before he can make a turn around. You don't know, but you are an adult they are not. So the question is, how much can you take and make a positive home for them while he is at war within himself?

It is a terrible situation and I wish you all the strength to deal with it. That is why you must put yourself first and keep putting yourself first.

Best of Luck,
Malibran

 

[becvan]

PTSD does not change people into cheaters. So ask yourself this: how would you react and what would you do, if there was no such thing as PTSD. Then go from there.

Best of luck,
bec

 

[lauralynn36]

Thanks

Thank you all for the help. I have been with my husband for almost 8 years, and married for 2 of them. The last year and a half has been very hard as you can see. I have found out a few more lies that he has told me and so I have decided to contact the girl and talk to her to try and see what the truth is.

My only fear is that if I do expose that he cheated on me and continued to do so that with his depression, drinking, and pill taking he may try to hurt himself. I have two kids that need their father and I love him so much even after all of this. I just dont know what I would do if he hurt himself because I pushed an issue... I am however going to try and set some ground rules for our relationship.

If anyone has any ideas how to approach him in a manner that may not be so upsetting to him please let me know.

Thanks Again

 

[Nicolette]

My only fear is that if I do expose that he cheated on me and continued to do so that with his depression, drinking, and pill taking he may try to hurt himself.

I am sorry but I don't think that you should ignore lies just because he might hurt himself. He is responsible for his life and his actions and if he has installed a fear of such and that you are responsible well that is selfish of him and downright rotten.

I have two kids that need their father and I love him so much even after all of this.

Wow. It is so sad to read this. It is unfortunate that women put up with so much shit from men and use love as justification. The one lesson life has taught me is that if a man does not have enough respect for you and your relationship you are only hurting yourself making excuses for his behaviour. You have a responsibility to you and your children to ensure that you protect them and instil in them good values and morals. Don't kid yourself thinking the children haven't got a clue about what is going on. It is better for children to have separate parents in healthy environments than parents who are together in an unhealthy environment.

I just dont know what I would do if he hurt himself because I pushed an issue

To me, my concern would be how he was treating me and not what he might do. If someone wants to hurt themselves they will no matter what you do. IMHO this is a cop out I'm sorry to say.

If anyone has any ideas how to approach him in a manner that may not be so upsetting to him please let me know.

While this is very admirable of you.... this man is hurting you and you are worried about his feelings?!