Wife met with attorney today

[mbrady]

My heart's been racing for 12 hours or more now. She met with an attorney today. Don't know what was discussed and it's killing me. She won't tell me what they talked about. She's so angry and bitter. She'd rather go back and rehash old shit rather than deal with the present. Hell hath no fury.
She's going to be house sitting at a friends house for a week. Maybe she'll calm down. The feeling of a surprise attack is what is getting at me most. My head knows it's coming and there's nothing I can do, but nothing prepares you for the process actually happening.
A small part inside holds out hope she'll come back and say how wrong she was and how she's committed to working this out. But that is fantasy.
Night times are the worst.

 

[ladee]

Well,it wasn't really a surprise attack. You knew on some level that this was going to happen eventually. You say you love her. I often wonder what that means at this stage of the chaos... I thought I loved my husband too... but it turned out to be a lot of other things, and love was not one of them...
You are in therapy.... talk to your T, get some direction... yes, it's hard.... and the both of you will play the blame game until that gets boring, but the thing is.... YOU have things you need to start doing to prepare ......

I will simply say, I learned a lot about myself going thru the divorce with an abuser....and the aftermath... took a while to get my 'duckies in a row', because I had lost them along the way.... Sorry it is finally real.... but in all honesty, you knew this was coming, you didn't know when..... once you get a little distance from all this, you will see how crazy things have become...

I know you are scared... it's ok to be scared. but get busy on yourself, nothing will change the feelings of a divorce....but you are stronger than you think you are, and have the courage to put one foot in front of the other..

 

[mbrady]

Her meeting wasn't a surprise attack. I mean whatever is coming next b/c of the meeting. She's enjoying the control right now of making this hard on me. I've asked what the meeting was about and she refuses to say. Keeps playing games like saying "you're assuming" but then won't say.
My therapy sessions are once a week. It seem too long. I may need to bump them up to twice a week for a bit.
You're right I am scared. There are still 2 kids left at home. It's 23 years on the line. What kind of a life am I going to have after I get screwed out of 70% of what I've work my ass off to build? For my family.

 

[ladee]

Very real concerns here and things to be considered.... the not knowing drives us all insane...our minds can come up with too many scenarios and none of them good... I feel you are on the right track about needing to bump up T sessions....

One good thing I see for your future,is you regaining control of yourself... making choices that are right for you ,that the kids may be taken into consideration, but no longer will you be obligated to be left hanging on the fence while she plays her games... what she is doing is immature and hurtful... I personally will be glad when you are free to find out who you really are, what good there is in you... and shine.... because you worked to make things shine... I am sorry... divorce is hard... hard on everyone... one reason why I will remain single until the day I die... I will never put myself thru that again.... and if it will make you feel any better, I have done this THREE times before I caught on....

So you have something going for you from the beginning.... you are much smarter and wiser than I am...

And you don't know, sometimes regardless what the attorneys say, the judge may make other choices....so do what you need to do to take care of yourself, hard to do, but keep it simple.... and you are going to get thru this.... you won't be gaslighted anymore to wondering who you are and what you stand for.... you are going to find yourself... so hard to see these things as a blessing in disguise.....

Keep in mind, you WILL get to the other side...not without some battle scars.... but you will do this.... and be damned proud of yourself in the end.... up those T sessions, and keep posting.... we do deserve support during life changing events....

 

[FireSign8]

Surprised how? She has her attorney & now you get yours. This is how divorce works. The last thing the 2 of you will ever have to do together is to hash out who gets what & then decide how much time you want to waste fighting for dumb stuff. There is always one thing that the both of you won't budge on & this is where a divorce will end up costing the both of you more money than you planned on spending. So just take what was yours before you hooked up & then cut the losses on the stuff you got together. Otherwise, the shit will hit the fan & things can/will get ugly when one of you loses their cool & goes agro on the other & the cops gets involved. Remember that every Police Report goes to the Judge. If you have kids & dogs to fight about, it could takes years out of your life. I found the book titled "dumper vs dumpee" a lifesaver during my 5 years battle to keep my part of a business. I was the dumpee & literally signed away my rights to my business in order to go on with my life. It was getting far too ugly because my husband was not honoring anything & making my life & our child's life a living hell with his demands for me to pay for audits for a business due to a judges order. I was not going to dole out another $5800.00, so I signed & had to move to the other end of California to be free of his clutches & all of his friends that turned on me for their own business deals with him. That was the day I learned how many people I thought were my friends were just his bought & paid for witnesses. I was not going to drag our child through the mud for a sideshow of wits. I took the kid & he had the legal right to visit whenever he wanted. He was too busy with his girlfriends & I knew that's the way he'd roll. 30 years later & the fool is still doing the same thing to other women. Luckily, there are no other children that must suffer.

Anywho, my guess is that you don't like having the door locked on you. Your rights are no longer important. This is why it is called a disillusion of marriage. The illusion is over. Time to grow up & move on. Otherwise, someone might go to jail. Not wise in my view. I hope you get yourself some marriage/divorce counseling. They now have a lot of men's groups to assist you guys with things of this nature. Good luck.

 

[mbrady]

@FireSign8 while I do appreciate the brutal honesty of your reply and the nature of what I may be facing, with respect, we didn't merely hook up. We were virgins when we married at 18 and have 4 children and 23 years together. It isn't something I'm willing to just throw away w/o making sure I've done everything in my power to save it.
If divorce becomes the path forward I will move into fight mode. If my wife is under some kind of brainwashing or other mental problems I said I would stay by her in sickness. Obviously I can only do so much but I will do what I can before throwing it all away. I still must live with myself afterwards. And with her in some capacity due to the children. And with the children and I treated their mother.

 

[Justmehere]

I think it's very wise to set up more frequent counseling so that you have extra support through this season.

The situation you are in would spike my anxiety through the roof as well. The not knowing would be really hard.

If you can reframe this cognitively as not a surprise, but something that has been expected, it might help lower your anxiety. It would also be accurate. When a woman who has been talking about getting a separation from her husband for quite some time now goes to see an attorney and then finds a reason to go stay someplace else other than with her children and her husband for awhile... it would be reasonable to expect divorce papers might be in the works. Especially since she she is super angry at you all the time, rejecting marriage counseling, etc.

No matter what this consult was about, she's been openly telling you she wants a separation.

Consulting with an attorney yourself doesn't mean you have to quit working to make this marriage work. You seem to think it's a matter of either trying to make this work or getting a divorce. Seeing your own attorney does not mean you are giving up power, it means that you are becoming more equipped and more educated on how to handle her serious and on-going statements that she wants a separation and her clear efforts to get legal advice and stay elsewhere.

Keep seeking support. :hug:

 

[Abigail7]

Maybe part of why she's so upset is because you don't value her role as mother and keeper of the house? By saying _you_ are losing 70% of what _you_ have earned is a complete devaluation of everything she has done for your family. This stance is exactly why divorce laws were changed once upon a time, so that one spouse, typically the female, does not get left out in the cold with nothing even though she's done much work to raise a family. (Also it prevents women from ending up on welfare, and in the grand scheme of things, prevents society from bearing the burden of a divorce.) Maybe it would be a good idea to start by showing your wife how much she means to you if you want to save your marriage?

 

[mbrady]

@abigail7 - I know there is always work we can all do to show more appreciation to our loved ones. If you would read my back story you may get a sense of what I have done to save this marriage for my part.

Saying 70% of what I earned is trying to come to grips with the reality that's coming. And I do value her contributions for the earlier years where we were still partners.

There's no equal partners anymore. I'm the only working a real job, she got sucked into MLM's and drank that koolaide as well. I work 8-10 hour days and still come home and have to cook for my family. I take care of the finances, taxes, maintenance, everything. I come home to a pig sty for a house and have to follow goat trails to get around in my bedroom. Basic communication, companionship and common courtesy are all suspended on a whim and must be earned back. I bring her flowers, scrap the snow off her vehicle, tell her she's beautiful, take time off from a paying job to meet her at doctors appointments that I made for her, massage her, make sure she get hers, keep her in nice clothes and a nicer car than I've ever had.

Our kids are well taken care of. I'm asking for help with bringing in some money to help with the mounting credit card debt and I get threats from her to take my kids and leave.

So please tell me again how I'm not showing her how much she means to me?

 

[joeylittle]

So please tell me again how I'm not showing her how much she means to me?

After reading this post, I wonder truly why you want to stay.

Change is hard, and change is painful. The dissolution of a long marriage is incredibly difficult.

But if you could wake up tomorrow five years from now, having divorced...do you think you might be happier? Is it possible?

 

[mbrady]

@joeylittle - I stay because of guilt, obligation, and fear all dressed up to look like commitment and honor to my wedding vows. I'm afraid of regret. If I'm honest with myself I'm afraid she could be happier with someone else. That is gutcheck honesty. It means I failed as a husband. But since I love her I have to come to grips with that and let her go find out. I'm terrified of being alone. It triggers abandonment issues from childhood.
When we set out in our marriage we had big goals. We were going to be the generation that broke all the addictions and disfunction in our families. "Divorce" never even came across our lips b/c our marriage was so sacred. We would say "the "d" word" to refer to it.
I want to know I did all I could. I want my kids to know I did all I could. And, if it comes to that, I want the next woman I am with to know I did all I could.
But yes it is possible I might be happier 5 years down the road after this. In order for that to happen within me I have to go through it this way.

 

[mbrady]

Still no plans from her on her intentions. She is housesitting this week for a friend and said she expected to have answers by the end of the week. Wether or not I will be privy to those answers remains a mystery.
We had a really good, for us, text conversation today. I was excited at the progress. Then the motives behind her cordialness became apparent. She needed money for graduation stuff for our son, which I gladly gave and told her from the begging I would take care of, and an answer on wether or not we will be able to host a party together for him.
The money part was easy the working together part was a little less straightforward for me. Because of the ball she's set in motion with the lawyers I know have a different decision process to consider. Am I going to be served between now and then? Would she be so low as to have to me served while our families are in town?
I know it's supposed to be about our sons special day, and I believe it will be one way or another, but if I can get more knowledge about her true intentions by taking advantage of her willingness to communicate right now then I can prepare better. Under normal circumstances I would not do this b/c I have moral apprehensions about being unfair. But as I've stated before I've given in and fallen on my sword to take the moral high ground so much I've given up my will to satisfy her will. And in doing so I've spoiled my wife to the point it's expected and no longer appreciated. And I've given up pieces of me. In an equitable partnership I wouldn't have to do that. We could talk and work through things and compromise.