Why couldn't i just say it?

[JadeE74]

Sometimes it feels like I can't talk in therapy. Not because in reality I don't want T to know, bc I do want her too. Sometimes I physically can not.

She asked what I did after last session, I said I had massage therapy ( long long process to feel ok with that, that's a whole different thread). She asked how it went, I said there was a small trigger. Reality was, something small was a big trigger. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. In reality I did, but my voice didn't work, I sat there, most likely dissociating, looking at anything except her. I think she pretty much just got the brainspotting equipment out at that point and handed it to me. If I did say anything, I know it wasn't about massage.

I left feeling even worse, I can't shake the triggered feeling, it's been 3 days since therapy. Now I feel even worse, bc I sent an email to T asking if I could call her later. I wanted to call her bc I was suppose to have massage on Monday, and in reality I'm freaking out to go, but I also don't want too walk away or cancel. I have chronic pain, and I also know I don't want to run away. I want to learn to he in situations. My strategies I know weren't working. She never e-mailed me back, but I'm second guessing even the e-mail. Never did that bf, or called. And Now I think I sound petty, and she will laugh behind my back.

I was able to reschedule massage till after my next therapy appt. now. I'm so embarrassed I e-mailed, I'm so embarrassed I couldn't talk.

 

[Dannyuk78]

Breath i can here you working yourself up just by you typing the message. Remember everything will come out when it is ready and remember the PTSD Cup :)

 

[desiderata310]

This is actually something quite normal in therapy. I'll come in ready or needing to talk about something and will dissociate so quickly that I simply can't and the session is lost.

Couple of things I would talk over with your therapist is to see if she can TELL when you've dissociated and maybe help you help yourself to ground in those instances. I don't think my therapist would have continued on handing me equipment of any sort if I had not responded or if he knew that I was in a dissociative state.

Maybe there's some way to develop a signal? Even if you're aware but could just lift a finger to let her know that you're not all there at the moment get some help back out of that space and move on I think that would be greatly beneficial. That way she would know without having to guess that the trigger you experienced bothered you so much that just the idea of talking about it made you dissociative.

Perhaps instead of talking you could write about it, bring it in or email it?
I would not feel bad about this if I were you. I tend to get very dissociative in session. I think the only way I've have been able to communicate my trauma in any sort of meaningful manner has been through writing.

 

[JadeE74]

Breath i can here you working yourself up just by you typing the message. Remember everything will c...

What's re PTSD cup? And thank you

 

[JadeE74]

This is actually something quite normal in therapy. I'll come in ready or needing to talk about s...

I'm assuming I said something, bc she never "makes" me brainspot so to speak. She may have been getting it ready, asked if I was ready, I don't even know. But you have good ideas for me, thank you.

 

[Dannyuk78]

I'm assuming I said something, bc she never "makes" me brainspot so to speak. She may have been getting...

The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained

 

[JadeE74]

The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Diso...

Thank you.

 

[Justmehere]

Why couldn't you say it in session?

As you are probably aware, when people with PTSD get triggered, they go into fight or flight or freeze (dissociation) or fawn (attempts to appease the feared threat) responses.

Let's use the example of someone trying to survive a bear attack. What's helpful for surviving that? Talking? No... running, or fighting, or playing dead (freezing) will help increase the chances of surviving the bear attack. Same for most forms of trauma. Fight or flight response help us live, but not talk things through. When facing a feared threat, the body will actual divert blood away from the brain, especially areas of higher level functioning like speaking, towards the body, to be ready to run or fight or etc.

So when the bear attack survivor later is triggered to have that same fight or flight response that helped them survive the bear, they are going to be really good at tasks that help survival. This will happen even when it's safe (like talking to a therapist), blood is actually diverted away from the brain to the rest of the body.

Which is why someone who is super triggered isn't going to be good at higher level executive functioning skills because trauma responses actually shut down the part of the brain responsible for speech and other higher level forms of thinking and functioning that don't help in the moment life and death survival.

Your therapist probably realized this, and that's why she moved to a more non-verbal intervention like brain spotting to try to help you get through it.

All this is to say that what you experienced by struggling to talk is a common and normal part of being triggered. Over time, as you work on this more, it will get easier to talk, and talk about more if it, without having fear spike so high your brain quits being able to speak and be present as well as you want to be.

It's really common for clients to get super worried about a lack of response to emails by therapists. It's also really common for clients to try to read the minds of their therapists. (I try to do it all the time.) And it's usually inaccurate and doesn't help much.

It was great that you advocated for yourself and told your therapist what you needed the bet way that you could. Chances are, your therapist is really aware that massages can be triggering. It's really great that you let her know you need more effective tools to handle it. It usually super helpful for therapists to know stuff like that.

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. (I know, easy to say, hard to believe.) It is actually really common for trauma survivors to be triggered by body work of all kinds. Some massage schools are actually trying to do better at teaching massage therapists to be more trauma sensitive because it can be really hard for trauma survivors to cope with it and it can be a real barrier to getting massages for many people. Your therapist was probably asking how it went because it's quite normal for trauma survivors to find it really hard to do. I think it's amazing that you are doing it and trying to find out a way to get through it. I admire your perseverence to not give up when it gets super hard.

You are doing good and brave work, and I think you have a lot to be proud of.

 

[JadeE74]

Why couldn't you say it in session?

As you are probably aware, when people with PTSD get triggered...

Thank you, I needed to read your words. They are very comforting. Yes, I'm trying so hard to live a bit more normal. My massage therapist knows about the trauma, my old therapist told me it would be important to let her know. And after about a year of massages, and the M. therapist knowing when my body was reacting, I feel very safe with her. Been going to get just over 6 years already. So this Hyatt sucks so much at the moment, obviously I can't tell M therapist. Is never want anyone to think I'm reminded of sexual abuse bc of them....

 

[Mary14]

Hi JadeE474, adding to the other comments above, yes wanting to say something and getting stuck and not being able to is very common. This is an issue I have a lot, the longer I sit there not being able to say something the more likely I am to dissociate, and I won't come back into the room until T helps by grounding me and changing the topic. I also find this situation quite stressful and struggle not to give myself a hard time about it afterwards, though am slowly learning to be a little kinder to myself about it.

Some things I have found helpful is if there are things that I know I would like to be able to discuss when I see her I can send an email prior, just dot pointing some things I will find hard to bring up or hard to answer questions about. I don't expect or want a response from her about this, just to have read it before I see her. She also has a bowl of stones and shells in her room, I have one particular one I can pick up if I am starting to struggle to say what I am thinking, which helps her to know where I am at. Also if I can manage to say 'I am having trouble speaking' I find that breaks the silence a bit and can help me find my voice again. If it helps you to know, this happens to me nearly every time I attend therapy at the moment, though with these strategies in place we have developed together, it is getting slightly easier to negotiate. Good luck with your next session.

 

[JadeE74]

Hi JadeE474, adding to the other comments above, yes wanting to say something and getting stuck and not...

Thank you, it helps me to know I'm not alone. I like the shell and rock idea, along with e-mailing first. I hope I'm able to talk about my struggles I had in the last session.

 

[JadeE74]

My therapist wrote back today, basically said try to save things for our sessions. I didn't respond. I will just talk about it at our next session I guess.