Sex with therapist

[Casey_03]

However, how can you account for the fact that after therapy ended he was still kind and accepting and everything I had always wanted in a partner?

I can't speak to what @joeylittle thinks of this, but my guess is that he had already stepped into that role, and so it continued. I don't think he was putting on an act, not at all. He just continued to play the role he'd already reprised. But if things had continued for more than six weeks afterwards, do you think he would have stayed that way? Could that be part of the reason he changed his mind -- because he realized it was all fantasy and he wasn't really who you wanted him to be? (Not saying he's bad, but maybe just not quite the same as he was with you).

That's why I call it a fantasy. You knew that there was an obstacle. Instead of both of you choosing to navigate the situation healthfully, you decided to indulge and therefore render the actual realization of this relationship, impossible. Whether you knew that consciously or not - that was the choice you both made. And it's likely you each had different reasons.

I think this point is really key. Fantasy vs. reality. He chose to go the fantasy route, and once reality came knocking on his door, he walked away. That should be a pretty strong indicator that there was a deeply unhealthy dynamic here. I don't think anyone is saying that you two didn't care for each other, or that he put on an act and deceived you. I think the point is that the relationship formed out of an unhealthy dynamic. It almost seems like it was about fulfilling a need, for both of you. Love isn't about fulfilling a need; love goes way beyond that.

I think you're putting a lot of the blame on his business partner and thinking that perhaps she threatened him with legal action and that's why he chose to walk away, but even if that is the case, what does that say about how committed he was to building a life with you? I think Joey is right -- this was about fantasy. That doesn't mean it was all a big lie, or that he was deceiving you, it just wasn't build on sustainable foundations.

 

[joeylittle]

Yes, @Casey_03 - exactly right.

People don't transition their established relationship simply because the titles change.

how can you account for the fact that after therapy ended he was still kind and accepting and everything I had always wanted in a partner?

therapy sessions may have ended - but you might not have found yourself in a relationship with him (nor he, you) had you not built the intimacy that is a natural component of a working relationship with a therapist. I'm assuming you know the concept of the therapeutic alliance. It's a relationship developed over time, and really unique. A therapist is not a friend, or family, or a lover, or even the enemy or the abuser. The therapist is a surrogate anything, depending on the client's needs. The therapist is meant to get their own needs met elsewhere. They must.

And he accepted me and loved who I was - not as a therapist because he had to - but as a partner, a boyfriend, a lover. A man who was not my therapis

No. I think you are assuming that he was required to 'like' you, or care about you, or understand you, in his role as therapist. People who function well in the 'helping humans' fields are usually genuinely connected to the people they work with. (By function well, I mean - are good at the job).

But part of their role as a caregiver is to separate how they get their needs met. That ethical requirement about personal involvement is there for both the client and the provider. In a way, it makes the 'safety' possible.

Once that therapeutic alliance is built, it is a real thing.

In your life, have you ever transitioned any other professional relationships to personal ones? If you have...you will have experienced how interpersonal dynamics take time to dismantle.

 

[scout86]

And he accepted me and loved who I was - not as a therapist because he had to - but as a partner,

It's true that therapists, more or less HAVE to accept their clients. At least if they're going to work with them. But I think it's also true, since they're human, that some of their clients they genuinely like, some they may actually dislike, and all points in between. They just have to find a way to put that dislike on hold do they can do what they need to do.

I think it's entirely possible this guy genuinely liked/loved you. He may still have feelings for you. The thing is, that situation is SO complicated, it really is necessary to play by the rules to be sure of what's going on. There were ways to legitimately pursue a relationship. If that's what you both wanted, that was the way to go. I don't know what would have happened. Maybe the two of you would have lived happily ever after. Maybe he was having some kind of late mid life crisis and it would have blown over. Maybe something else. I think it's possible for two people to legitimately love each other, and be a good match, but it's still the wrong time and the wrong situation. That doesn't make the feelings invalid, it's just a problem.

 

[Deanna]

I think the action needed to be on the OP's part. ( this ended, just the way it was going to) Sometimes when you see things that can happen, it's up to you to make sure they don't. He may have been in a routine that was boring, it's hard to say- but to tell you the truth, He didn't want to let you down and did anyway. I don't know where he at in his head. This wasn't going to end right., end of story,

Let it go.

Edit: I don't know where HE was at in his head. ( the therapist) This wasn't going to end any other way, than it did. I think you made it a fantasy but this guy was 68 years old. Technically, you were still married and I do believe that's alienation of affection? Your husband could file for that in court ( if he found out)

 

[Suzetig]

People who function well in the 'helping humans' fields are usually genuinely connected to the people they work with. (By function well, I mean - are good at the job).

I think this is so key to understand. Good therapists genuinely care about the people they work with, they are fully themselves in that relationship - by which I mean good therapists don't hide behind a professional persona, they build a genuine connection with their client. A therapeutic relationship built on unconditional acceptance and authenticity on the part of the therapist in an incredibly powerful, healing thing. It can also be so very damaging.

I don't doubt that in therapy he was fully accepting of you, understood your innermost thoughts and feelings and made you feel cared for and worthy. The "work" of a therapist is to offer that kind of relationship to their client because that's what makes it safe enough to "go there" and tackle trauma or hurt or pain. Being deeply understood in that way is affirming, intimate and powerful, it's not unusual for clients to feel attracted to their therapist, to want that kind of care and full attention all of the time - someone who fully accepts all parts of me as I am, who is consistent, attends to me and my concerns, who wouldn't want that?

The relationship can also be very seductive for therapists because they offer their best, accepting self to a client who in turn shares intimacies, allows themselves to be vulnerable and deeply connected. It's very easy to get drawn in to something that feels "special", especially if the therapist likes the client or finds them attractive. But, again, it's not real - think about it, if the therapist met the client in a bar the client would never allow themselves that level is vulnerability so quickly. They do that because of the safety in the professional, therapeutic relationship. Therapists are trained to offer a private, intimate, safe relationship for clients to do the work they need to, they're experts at it.

That's precisely why therapists should have supervision, consultation and be in personal therapy when needed - because they can lose sight of the shore too.

While the relationship is very real, and deeply intimate, it's there to serve a purpose and once that purpose has been served, the relationship should come to an end. Because while it's real, it's not sustainable because no real relationship can be so one sided.

Real relationships include disappointment, anger, frustration, misunderstandings on both sides - in a therapeutic relationship they serve to offer the client a good experience of rupture and repair, yes even disagreements serve a therapeutic purpose.

In a partner relationship we aren't always accepting of our partner, sometimes we're annoyed, upset, cross, bewildered etc not to serve a purpose but because two people, living in close proximity are going to have their differences. One of the aims of therapy is to offer you a model of a safe relationship to try that stuff out in so that you can function fully in your day to day relationships.

I know it felt like love, and I'm sure it was loving but it wasn't real - no therapist can take what they offer clients in a therapeutic relationship and sustain that in a partnership or friendship.

I think you're doing so well trying to process all of this, it's a hard, brave thing to look at.

 

[Toralu312]

I think this is so key to understand. Good therapists genuinely care about the people they work with, t...

Thank you so much, everyone. I am touched that you've all written so much for me to consider.
I truly do understand how therapeutic relationships are supposed to work, I have done loads of research on this subject, and I am very aware that what happened between us was facilitated by therapy (which is wrong), and that it stemmed from transference. However, I have always asserted that had he and I met randomly some place else, we would have been drawn to one and also attracted to one another. I found him handsome the minute I met him for the first time. And then when we discovered all of our random connections and similarities it was just too much. I felt like I had been destined to meet him. Yes, very fairytale/fantasy, but you can't make up the things we have in common..it is strange (I didn't go into detail with any of it bc it would take pages to explain). That knowledge helped me be myself with him even more, and you're right, he should not have let himself get his needs met via me. There's a reason why that happened and I hope he's exploring it. Perhaps he knew I was safe bc he knew I idealized him. He capitalized on that, which is wrong. It's also concerning - perhaps he's also afraid of getting hurt or falling for someone who may not be all-accepting of him like I seemed to be. So, time has to pass. For both of us. So we are no longer client/therapist. So we are on an equal playing field. So I realize why the laws are in place for this. In my state it's 5 years! However, it used to be two. He is retiring in 3 years and I'll be divorced in a year. If I am still wondering about him down the road I'll give him a call.

It's true that therapists, more or less HAVE to accept their clients. At least if they're going to work...

Thank you very much!

I can't speak to what @joeylittle thinks of this, but my guess is that he had alrea...

Thank you. Well, she told him everything you guys are all saying on here. And that caused him to wake up and see what he's doing is wrong. He was completely blind to it. Yes, maybe I met a need for him. But I refuse to be so black and white about it all and diminish my feelings and his feelings. Perhaps we used each other, or perhaps it was truly love. Time will tell.

 

[Rumors]

Gosh, I am really sorry this happened. After reading your thoughtful responses, I know why he connected with you! You seem kind, respectful, hopeful, and bright. Remember, you are the whole package. If not him, you will find someone that will appreciate all of your wonderful qualities. Sending you lots of good mojo. Take good care...

 

[Toralu312]

Gosh, I am really sorry this happened. After reading your thoughtful responses, I know why he connected...

Oh my gosh, this made me cry. Thank you, kind stranger.

 

[Leckey]

Wow, this is all so helpful. Thank you so much. Well I suppose I've learned that I don't need anyone...

You don't need a man to validate you, and I have no doubt you'll find someone who will love you deeply, and truly.

 

[Toralu312]

You don't need a man to validate you, and I have no doubt you'll find someone who will love you deeply,...

Thank you. That's what I've always wanted in a partner. I've chosen the wrong people for a multitude of reasons that I am now (mostly) aware of after a year and a half of intensive therapy. Thank you for your kind words. And, it is indeed best to go through this divorce knowing I can do it myself, knowing that I can depend on myself, and knowing I'm doing it for the right reasons.

 

[Renestel]

Hi Toralu,

I think so many of the responses are great here, but because I used to be in abused relationships and through therapy have finally opened my eyes and changed my life, I'm going to take the route of a little tough love, here. This is absolutely to help you, not hurt you. You have been really responsive with everyone and taking time to think about everything so I will give it a try.
What needs to be said here is what I don't think you are noticing is that in each reply, you are responding with, "You are right! BUT....he did this, he was this,....you are defending him. You are choosing to defend rather than step outside of the situation and really analyze. This is an incredibly common trait in abused or previously abused/raped women. You probably did the same for your soon to be ex-husband. I sure did. People would comment on how bad my ex-spouse 10 years ago treated me and I always had a yeah, BUT...he is in the Navy @9/11 and its stressful, he just cheated on me because he hasn't been able to leave the boat for a year, it was always me telling people they didn't understand how great he actually was. Every time you are defending these men who are making bad choices, hurting you (I agree with everyone that he did hurt you because he was in a position that you were vulnerable, in a place easily groomable, and of course this is HIGHLY illegal PERIOD) you are hurting yourself because you are not choosing to protect yourself or think of yourself first. You are choosing them over you. You will keep having this happen relationship after relationship until you make this big change and take ownership of finishing therapy with someone else, ( I would suggest a woman) and heal yourself to where you take time off completely from relationships until you are able to really say you are looking out for you. It breaks my heart when people are telling you things and you are responding "why is this wrong?' I so was in your shoes. I was mollested at such a young age I literally didn't know it was wrong and my gauge of proper behavior was so skewed from that point. Further therapy will help you with this. I was able to "rewire" myself and build a better gauge on choices, what men I choose to be with, how I feel I should be treated, and how much I need to protect myself. You can too. You said you are hugging the little girl in you. Keep learning to treat her even better and hug/protect her even more. You said you have children and kids are amazing at picking up things. Be as amazing of an example as you can be. For example, even though I am SO sorry you had to be in an abusive relationship with your husband, fully ending one marriage in divorce before getting in another one is a good moral rule. Trying to find a mate closer than double your age is another. Saying your hardwired to be intimate with them screams a subconscious issue to me.
You also mentioned that you are in the process of getting a masters in Counseling, I BEG you to really step back and look at the full picture here. I am truly concerned that if you don't see this issue being as big as it is now, that you might find yourself in a place where you could make the choice to do this with a client in the future because you connect so well. Please take all the feedback on this thread in deeply, and also talk about it with a new female therapist. I don't want you to get hurt again, nor someone else.
Best of hopes to you and your path!

 

[Toralu312]

Hi Toralu,

I think so many of the responses are great here, but because I used to be in abused relat...

Thank you. Yes, I told him about my desire to be with men who are much older and who are authority figures. He fully capitalized on that. I realize this. However, I do not go around having affairs and looking to create emotional intimacy with people. I haven't done anything remotely like that for 9 years (when i met my husband). I haven't been searching. My T provided me with a partnership I had always longed for. And it got better after we had ended therapy. Like I said, I have been treated poorly by all my past boyfriends and now my husband. But, yes, it does bother me that I am defending him so much. It's because I want to believe what we had was real. I am very self-aware. I understand that he exploited me. But there's still a small part of me that believes what we had was true love.

You don't know me - I will make a fantastic therapist, I feel it was unkind to say that I might someday find myself having a connection with a client and acting on it. A bit judgmental. Of course I will have a connection with a client, but you do not know me and do not know what I'd do about it. I don't think I can take that kind of negativity and judgment because I am fragile right now, so if I get that on here again then I'll remove this post.