Sex with therapist

[lostforgottensoul]

I haven't read all of the replies but I have had sex with two therapists and it damaged me so bad that 2 yrs later I go into my current therapist's office like he was my john. It was crazy! It took years to work that out. That is why laws exist about this. What he did (not you) was illegal and very damaging to you. God bless the bussiness partner! I'm sorry it happen! I know it hurts but you do have good insight about it and thats really good! :hug:s

 

[Toralu312]

Thank you. Yes, I told him about my desire to be with men who are much older and who are authority fi...

And FYI to everyone reading this, I am seeing a psychologist (female) who specializes in erotic transference and countertransference. She is brilliant (hence then cost of $400/session) and I am lucky to have found her. I have been seeing her twice a week and will continue that for months.

I haven't read all of the replies but I have had sex with two therapists and it damaged me so...

Thank you :)

 

[Toralu312]

Hi Toralu,

I think so many of the responses are great here, but because I used to be in abused relat...

Also, I hadn't wanted to say anything more about myself. But it might be good for you all to know that I used to be a very well-known, successful fashion model. This is absolutely not how I value myself (anymore), but it might provide some insight into why he let the boundaries disappear so easily.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Toralu312 . I won't say much, and I believe you are kind and brave.

I think every relationship you've had has been real, though they all sound like they've treated you poorly.

For other reasons I've ended up with older men, never looking either- being treated properly & kindly & being yourself , however, is not love, neither is pity nor a miriad of other things. Nor sex. Nor similarities.

It was never loving to say, 'tell me if I'm hurting you'. It is not responsible and he is choosing- to not retire early; to not give up his license, I don't even know if he's single.

You will wait, he is continuing. You have a family. He will need a care-giver, likely, not too many years or decades from now.

You deserve very much to be loved. Love protects, sacrifices, heals. You yourself I bet would never think of expecting him to give up what he cherishes.

I've chosen the wrong people for a multitude of reasons that I am now (mostly) aware of after a year and a half of intensive therapy.

I think this might be more of the same.. ? ^^

Ps, I don't think it's about age difference, until it's repeating. But nothing wrong with falling in love with someone your own age.

I do believe- without this T relationship to boot- there has never been a man older than me who didn't exploit my own sweetness when we were in relationship, even if we weren't sleeping together. It's because -yes- they do know more than we do. Just as at 50 you will know more than your child will at 20.

Love exists. But it does no harm, first. It protects fragility and woundedness. It doesn't manipulate it. If he were your protector, he would never have exploited the dynamic.

JMHO.

I wish you all the best.

ETA, but because it is only a reminder of those older men who've abused me past, even if it took decades for me to understand and see the exploitation, I won't continue with the thread. Take care of yourself.

Boundaries aren't based on temptation, but health of yourself and others, as well as (self)-respect and genuineness and honesty, care for one's self and others.

I will say you will know the difference when it does not involve transference, projection or using, when it does occur for you. It's a mighty different dynamic, choice, and life.

 

[Suzetig]

You also mentioned that you are in the process of getting a masters in Counseling, I BEG you to really step back and look at the full picture here. I am truly concerned that if you don't see this issue being as big as it is now, that you might find yourself in a place where you could make the choice to do this with a client in the future because you connect so well

That's like saying someone who was sexually abused as a child will go on to abuse others - which has no basis in evidence.

There's a lot of learning and growth to be gained in counselling training, a lot of ethical unpicking and challenge in that process. The OP has stuck with this thread and some very hard messages about her ex-T and is still processing a very painful, abusive experience, is in therapy and will receive some form of supervision.

You can't presume that she will enact this with clients in future when there's such a journey ahead of her. Trainee Ts and qualified Ts often have their own wounds, which do heal and create a strength and basis for good practice.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I acknowledged that he exploited me. But then when we fell in love it was clear that we were truly in love.

It just doesn't work that way. A captive person may feel they are in love with their capture but it is not "true love" but rather part of Stolkholm Syndrome. An exploited person may truely feel they are in love but that doesn't mean you are. Exploited is always exploited. If it were true love it would have lasted the 5 yrs and not started at the most damaging timeframe.

He said to me many times "the literature says that I'm damaging you.

So, you see here that he was well aware that he was damaging to you but still went ahead with it! He knew you wouldn't know if you were "damaged" or not so by saying "tell me if you feel damaged, he knew you cannot feel that. He knew and still did it. That is not the definition of love but rather of an abuser.

You're saying he put on an act once therapy stopped?

Not likely. The term counter transference is an actual term and an actual real thing. And the dynamics mimic one of relationship and that is why all the laws are present. He should have gained supervisory counsel (or however that works) at the hint of counter transference.

I found him handsome the minute I met him for the first time.

I found my therapist hot when I first met him and still think he is a great looking 60 yr old that looks no older then 40 but that doesnt subtact that our relaltionship is very one sided. I would never be able to take in all his troubles and to be real, he knows way more then I would have told a boyfriend. He knows of thoughts that I would have kept to myself. The 5 yrs exist to allow that theraputic relationship to end and to even the field. None of this means it was real, it wasn't. It was still fantasy that isn't sustainable in the real world.

And then when we discovered all of our random connections and similarities it was just too much. I felt like I had been destined to meet him. Yes, very fairytale/fantasy, but you can't make up the things we have in common..it is strange

Not strange at all. He is human. My therapist has talked to me about his family (using them as example of how families are supposed to be) and we have talked religon and politics, art, hobbies. I know what he and his wife like to do. Many things he and I share in common but does that mean that he should be my friend (or more) outside of therapy? No! And he told me he refuses to facebook friend his clients (speaking of other clients). He is human. We share common things with many. It doesn't mean anything really other then he is human.

I used to be a very well-known, successful fashion model.

And?

No matter of physical looks, that changes nothing here.

Can you see here that you defending his actions that is much like abused/abuser dynamic? Think of how a woman may defend an abusive spouce. Or really any form of abused/abuser dymanic. I defended my abusers very aggressively for yrs and still defend them. Can you step back a minute and examine that?

 

[Toralu312]

It just doesn't work that way. A captive person may feel they are in love with their capture...

I will take this to my new therapist. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

 

[erigby]

Wow.
This is a very intense situation.
I am sorry you find yourself in the middle of it.
For whatever my two cents is worth...I do believe he loved you and that you loved him.
I do not think the feelings you all had/have for one another were fake or a put on persona.
A year and a half is a long time to have an intimate relationship with anyone.
Intimate is very much what the Therapeutic Relationship is. It's in the intimacy that deep and profound change happens.
It went astray when you all introduced sex into the relationship.
Living in such strong sexual tension must have been very difficult...even painful.
I imagine it did feel wonderful and right and good to finally experience your desires together.

I am glad you all talked about the transference and counter-transference.
I am grateful you are seeing a female therapist about these very issues.
I am thinking since the urges weren't abated through discussion and openness in the therapeutic setting...the therapeutic relationship should have ended. He should have referred you to another therapist.
Again, clearly he didn't because you were fulfilling something for him as much as he was for you.
He didn't want that to go away.
I imagine he looked forward to your visits and thought about you often. He genuinely shared in your interests and felt sorrow when you were sad and joy when you were elated.
He loved you.
He loved you because you are lovable.

The past can't be undone. What is done is done. All we can do is acknowledge our short-comings our mishaps our fallings...be gentle with ourselves...apologize to those we have hurt...embrace our broken humanity...and try to do better.

Psychotherapists aren't perfect individuals. They are every bit as human as the rest of us. They have desires and passions. I would suspect they fall in love with clients more often than we know. I imagine he will be in therapy for years sorting all of this out (if he isn't he should be :).

My hope for you is that when you think about this experience you remember and know...he loved you because you are lovable.
It sounds like he really liked you too and enjoyed your company.
I am not giving him a pass.
What he did was professionally unethical and he should lose his license.
That doesn't make him a horrible person.
It makes him human.

I would encourage you to continue to sort this out. Give space away from the relationship.
Work toward building relationships that fulfill some of the things he was obviously able to give you (aside from sex because it sounds like the relationship was about more than just sex).

I hope this helps.

 

[Toralu312]

That's like saying someone who was sexually abused as a child will go on to abuse others - which has no...

Thank you.

That's like saying someone who was sexually abused as a child will go on to abuse others - which has no...

thank you

Wow.
This is a very intense situation.
I am sorry you find yourself in the middle of it.
For whatever my...

This is so incredibly helpful and kind. Thank you so very much.

Dear @Toralu312 . I won't say much, and I believe you are kind and brave.

I think ev...

THANK YOU.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He loved you.

I disagree! At least as a partner love. I believe therapists care about their clinets but just as hate is a big word, so is love. He may have felt like he loved her but that isn't true love. Its counter transference. He knew that this would damaged her, admitted that to her during, in my opinion, his grooming of her and went on with it anyway. That doesn't sound like love at all. It sounds like he wanted to get his rocks off without caring about the repercussions for both of them. He set her up by saying "tell me if you feel damaged" or whatever knowing that she was incapable of feeling hurt or damaged by this as she was wrapped up in transference and he knew that. It wasn't real. It was unethical, illegal, and he belongs in jail in my opinion! Or at least for his licence to be taken and to be not be allowed to continue in his profession and that may have been what happened and if so, good! It is one thing to have feelings (counter transference) and seek supervisory counsel without disclosing those feelings but another to disclose those feelings and take it to the next sexual level. It is SOOO damaging! It took me years to sort this out. Just this. Years! Yes, he is human but there is a guide on how to deal with counter transference and he knew that!

ETA: Sorry if I sound upset. I have been there and so I seem to have strong feelings about it.

 

[Toralu312]

I disagree! At least as a partner love. I believe therapists care about their clinets but j...

It's ok, I appreciate your point of view.

 

[erigby]

I disagree! At least as a partner love. I believe therapists care about their clinets but j...

I am so sorry you have been hurt.
I don't think I denied at all that what he did was unethical and I believe I also agreed he should lose his license and get lots of therapy to sort through his own stuff.
From what I know though...both parties were adults.
He had a responsibility because of the imbalance of power (hence losing his license) but she was also a consenting adult.
There is responsibility on both parties.
It hurts like hell I'm sure.
I hate that it happened.