When pain and suffering far outweigh good/enjoyable things in life.

[joeylittle]

I understand these feelings, I have them too. But it's important to remember - while these diagnoses are potentially deadly, they are not terminal. There is a difference.

It helps me to tell myself that. I say 'tell myself' because (in CBT terms) the percent I believe it is probably around 10, 15%. But that's up from the nearly 0% it was a few years ago.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Well first thank everyone for being kind and gentle - exactly the thing that would come on this site. Thanks for sharing encouragement and support. It is truly amazing to see people pull together for one another.

I'm not sure why this post is now listed under "depression and suicidal ideation" as neither of those things are touched on in my post. Discussion seems far more appropriate. One thing I was talking about were legal aspects, the right for caring compassion. I'm not at ideation, certainly at no point during this episode have I contemplated the act of committing suicide, and what I describe is something most definitely *other* than depression. It is a stepping back from things. It encompasses so much more. I'm actually uncomfortable for this post of mine to be under this heading.

@Alice.in.Wonderland I am one of the few who has a supportive talk therapist and I adore him. I know, I don't want to invite "Well then what is SHE complaining about!" comments...
but he doesn't solve everything. We've worked together for a very long time, as a support as much as anything else - as I saw from @Deadman's post, @ladee , gizmo/rain.. I have "people", you know? In some ways I hate to count my therapist.. I do pay the guy after all..but as with a few people mentioned here on this site here, he would also be negatively affected, should these offhand maunderings that flit through my mind, turn into more deeply serious musings.

My therapist...without me even describing things as I did in this post, he has been extraordinarily gentle and gone out of his way for me... as so many of you have in your posts! I hope you find one too, Alice. There are a couple of reasons I left him out of my initial post - for one, I'm sure there are people who would think "Great therapist she's got!" but I do, he has me with the ups and downs, and listens to me talk about emailing the ACLU or whatever disordered thinking I have at the moment!.. and also he is largely responsible for the fact that the downs are not quite as far down and they don't last as long. I will always have them, those unstable bits - if I would be one of the very few to master my PTSD symptoms, I still have that bipolar and there are plain old genetics on the line. There is an old-fashioned term of "madness" and people "touched by fire" on both sides of my family.

As for that therapist, he's been sticking with me and charting progress in his own little ways, that I'm not always privy to! Last time I was in, finishing up an appointment, he said, "It took you 35 minutes to uncurl! [I sort of fold up into myself, I suppose a bit like a fetal position, when I'm scared or anxious.] That's a really long time for you." So I'm like really? I had no idea he paid attention to these things! and this distracts me and so on. And it is one more thing that makes me feel cared for...

I went in to that appointment ready to sob, but I left with a (tiny) bit of laughter. I count that as significantly helpful, also. Especially as I really have very few people, like you, @Deadman, I do see that you can relate. My guy, I would never ever ask him to, never expect this from him, but he has very quietly adjusted his upcoming holiday weekend for me (he would never say so but I see it)... Even without that, he has been super and I am so lucky, and once again, Alice - and anyone else looking for such support - I so, so much hope you find that for yourself. If he is a paid best friend, that's fine with me, but we accomplish some in-depth work when appropriate, also.

The hardest thing I do is to try to remember - I won't feel this way forever. Part of it is scary - maybe this time I will feel this way forever! Who knows!
But ultimately no matter how far down I've been... and I've been down much further than this... I have always come up, at least some extent. I do find something in life bearable, at the end of some of these cycles.

Thank you all so much. I appreciate all kind thoughts and words here. Hugs all around, everyone who would like one, thank you for being a part of this site and every single bit you do - even if you are just reading this. I see all this - yes I see people, I realize there are plenty who are just reading - I see myself doing that, with the posts of others.
Even if it seems like I've missed something. While I am not always grateful for the life I am living... I'm grateful to be here on this site with good people who understand.

 

[EmmaOwl]

while these diagnoses are potentially deadly, they are not terminal. There is a difference.

The statistic that goes through my head that Bipolar II has the most successful suicides. This worries me, once in a while, to realize that I fall into that particular category.

I do see your point, though, JL! I appreciate your comment. I'm so glad you are moving up - and I'm glad you can see it even if it seems small. Another difficult thing to do is when you need to measure progress in years.

Would I be able to actively participate in an online forum like this, 3 years ago? When I first registered 4 years ago? No way. So that's one thing. I try to keep in mind things like this, ways that I can measure progress when things feel molasses-slow.

 

[EmmaOwl]

I know exactly how you feel @Allie D.
Regular people don't understand t...

Alice I think what you've written here is lovely, gets to the heart of things. Thanks. It is absolutely on target, and I would be hard-pressed to describe things as eloquently as you do right here.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I'm glad my words and so many others have helped you @Allie D.
This place is a haven to pour or hearts out, speak the unspeakable and be understood.
I don't know if trying to sort it out is dwelling on the past but I do know ignoring it is not the answer. Our individual stories are all so different and so similar. I wish I was better educated and smarter so I could put the pieces together and make the right connections. There's answers beyond drugs. Beyond "let go and let God" meaning no offense. It wil never be easy but down one of those tunnels there's light. We just have to keep looking.

 

[Friday]

I'm not sure why this post is now listed under "depression and suicidal ideation" as neither of those things are touched on in my post. Discussion seems far more appropriate. One thing I was talking about were legal aspects, the right for caring compassion. I'm not at ideation, certainly at no point during this episode have I contemplated the act of committing suicide, and what I describe is something most definitely *other* than depression.

Kindly meant reality check; because forewarned is forearmed, and the sooner one can catch themselves the better chance one has, from experience:

I am so, so tired. Last week I was thinking, "Why is there not compassionate care for PTSD and Bipolar II? They are both deadly illnesses, after all. It's a matter of time. Can't I just...be let go?"

^^^
This is textbook ideation. It's on the lower end of the spectrum, it's very passive, but it's still a giant flashing neon sign.

These are not desires I am about to act out. They are the thoughts running through the mind of an extremely depressed, anxious, and fatigued person. I feel beaten to a pulp, physically and emotionally.

Desires, alone, gets it own quote. You could argue I'm splitting hairs, and you could be right. I could be completely wrong, and your use of the word desire was neither honest or accurate. But I suspect that, whether accidental or not? Correct or not? You might not realize that desiring to die, isn't how people usually talk about suicide who aren't struggling with ideation. It's a powerful word, a passionate word, that transcends even purely wanting to die. (Which is still not how people who aren't dealing with ideation usually describe suicide and death, as wants.) Even on the passive end of ideation, it adds a depth and seriousness to the equation... That, for you, this isn't an academic discussion, nor a fleeting thought, but something that -changing your heart's desires- will be a long battle fought on many fronts. It's kind of huge, actually. Made even more so by your belief that you're not in any kind of ideation. Because if death when is a desire -or even a want- doesn't make you blink real fast and realize, Oh shit. I need to start working against this, pronto! How sudden, hard, & all consuming must be what you class as ideation? Early earning sign. Right here. Get ahead of it.

These are not desires I am about to act out. They are the thoughts running through the mind of an extremely depressed, anxious, and fatigued person. I feel beaten to a pulp, physically and emotionally.

Both ideation & depression? Touched on. Right here, as elsewhere throughout. You're exhausted, depressed, and thinking of death. I didn't move your post, but I very much agree with whomever did. Hopefully some or any of this helps. If not? If I'm completely wrong? No worries. :) But you did ask. So this is my take on it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Allie D. I hear you and I so understand where you are coming from. People that live with mental health issues and chronic pain, well, it just gets to you after awhile. Everyday pain, everyday mental health issues. It wears on you after awhile. Plus just life in general and all the curves that it can throw at you, tends to just pile up to a point that you just have had enough. It's enough to make a person depressed.

I've had physical pain since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about 20 yrs ago, and now chronic pain from spinal issues and arthritis. I just want a break from the constant pain. Because of the Heroin epidemic in my state, Drs won't give any pain medication out either. NONE!!!!!

I don't have any answers, and I hear you. Sometimes life just sucks....

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Allie D.
I wouldn't worry so much what heading its under.
Maybe you could give some thought to why it bothers you.
Red flags are often seen in hindsight.
At one time certain "thoughts" were with me so long and so often they seemed normal and not the warning signs they were.
They scamper across my mind at first. Like a tiny mouse you see out of the corner of your eye.
Was that what you thought it was or perhaps the light was playing tricks.
What I've learned is it doesn't matter. Put the traps out anyway.

Discuss it with your therapist. If you have a little note book or a smart phone. Keep track of your thoughts. Date/time is a good start. That way when your T asks how often you won't minimize because you don't want to exaggerate it. The plain facts will be there.

I'm about to lose my connection

Bye for now.

 

[EmmaOwl]

@Allie D.
I wouldn't worry so much what heading its under.

Yes this makes sense.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Kindly meant reality check; because forewarned is forearmed, and the sooner one can catch themselves the...

Well, I see what you mean. But I do intend it to be more broad, especially the depression part. Because there are a zillion emotions going on and I wouldn't say depression is the main one and it certainly isn't the only one.
Still, I appreciate the feedback.

 

[EmmaOwl]

You might not realize that desiring to die, isn't how people usually talk about suicide who aren't struggling with ideation.

I don't desire to die, at all. Since I have no such desire, of course I would not act on it. I don't desire death. I desire relief. Takes much worse to desire actual death, on my part.

If, you know, we're going to split hairs.

This kind of writing, communicating in this fashion, can be difficult to get straight, on all sides.

I'll give you the depressed part. I did say that, though I don't think it's my main problem right this minute. I just feel such a maelstrom of emotions, it's hard to describe them all.

 

[Stitchin]

I'm in the same place

BIG LOVE