When pain and suffering far outweigh good/enjoyable things in life.

[Deadman]

I just feel such a maelstrom of emotions, it's hard to describe them all.

:) Not being able to describe how you feel is something I am very familiar with. The question that my old T always asked that I hated the most was "how do you feel right now"?

I hope your confusion settles and things start to feel right again.

 

[ladee]

I understand what you are trying to say @Allie D. , was setting here staring off into space and came on here... saw your post , again, and thought , wow, just what I was just now thinking.... more than one thing going on... I too want relief... not death... I want a reprieve,of dealing with this all the time...
I am depressed.
I am in chronic pain.
My anxiety is higher than normal.

I am going on vacation in a week or so, and I don't WANT to... I don't want to make all the preparations, do the nerve wracking drive, be anxious that my dog is causing any problems, but have no one to leave her with.... such every day things for normal people.... and I am pretty sure they do not put themselves thru mental hell just to go someplace....

I am extremely stressed about money.... but when do I give myself a break.... going to be stressed whether I go or not by the end of next month....

And on and on it goes.... and I also know that going thru all those motions to go, pretty sure I will have a good time when I get there, only to come back to HERE..... it's this HERE, that I want a huge reprieve from.... and I know that is depression... so I will go, spend a few days, come home early because a lot of other people will be coming in a few days after I get there... not even going to put myself thru that..... not every single thing in life has to be challenged.... but I do get so weary of the storm in my head so much of the time... than nothing comes normal...

So, yes, I do understand... I know this is temporary, I have been here way too many times to count... but it does get old, waiting and going thru the motions, waiting for it to lift .....because we can not completely give in to it....

No self pity, I accepted a long time ago this is the way it is.... but I do get to be tired of it all, I don't want to die either.... I would just like to just do something and not have to go thru this crap to get there..... it will pass for both of us... and we will learn another lesson... and we will be grateful we made it thru to the other side.... but there is not a rule anywhere that doesn't say we cant be tired of it all, tired of the work, tired of our busy head.... tired of the physical pain, which has me wore out to begin with....

We still have purpose in our lives, we still are not going to quit, we still do what we need to do... but it is ok to tired of it all too, without wanting to die to get relief.... I want relief here and now, so that I CAN live a more productive life.... still have things I want to do... so I do understand..... we will get thru this.... and we will be here again... maybe it will be further apart next time for you.. mine can go for many many months now before I end up here again.... not trying to discourage you, but to let you know, the next time it happens, you won't be so hard on yourself.... you may just do like me, and give yourself permission to be in that place for a little while... we KNOW when to get moving again.... we already know that....

So sending you gentle hugs of understanding.... and just two 'not quite with it people' , holding hands in the dark, telling each other... this too shall pass... because it does..

 

[EmmaOwl]

The question that my old T always asked that I hated the most was "how do you feel right now"?

If my therapist asked this, I can imagine saying something like: "I dunno, how do you think I feel?" Or maybe I'd just glare. :cautious: I'm lucky the guy has worked with a lot of teenagers - I fit right in!

Discuss it with your therapist.

Ha this is generally good advice for anyone! but my therapist prolly wants less input, I am always texting. *With his permission, ahead of time.* He doesn't always respond but he definitely pays attention as a barometer - and sometimes we have fun jokey things too. (Yes, transference, counter-transference, I know the name of HIS therapist, we're aware of and currently accept any sacrifices that can/will come along in the future.) He generally reads the messages, and sometimes he'll bring something up during a one-on-one session, or he will text back with questions... I trust his judgment although I do have days when I'm off the rails.

I had a hypomanic episode a couple months back; my next appointment, my therapist says, "Do you know how many texts you sent on Tuesday night?" I shrug. "Fourteen." Oops, sorry. "It's okay. I saw where you were going and let you at it. I wondered if you realized."

We're definitely good on plain, day-to-day facts, - and we are both well aware that these day-to-day facts can be soul-crushing. If that type of conversation did not come easy to the two of us, as a team, I would probably follow suggestions to write more things down ahead of time. (Or maybe look for another therapist.) As I look back on things I've said or written in the past, and I shake my head, he sees these things too. He asks straight-out, if he doesn't already know. When I walk in to a session he predicts my mood/state of mind. Dammit, if he isn't always right....

I just want a break from the constant pain....Drs won't give any pain medication out either.

Yeah I've had problems with this, too. This was definitely part of my lament on receiving humane care. For fun, my state's laws have recently undergone a huge overhaul - which was put into effect only about a month ago.. and so I'm going to have to fiddle around with different dr's and look for new treatments soon. I have a family member to help me through this process - and I've warned him I need extra help this time, following through and so on - I am still terrified of being told "No. We can't help you."

Also, presumably my aforementioned therapist will remain a constant through these particular changes. It helps, just knowing there will be one stable thing. Perhaps posting or at least reading the boards here, as well, will aid me in dealing with some of these fears and frustrations that have been popping up in greater force.

This thread has certainly turned into something that I never expected, in-depth discussions about root problems and slogging through life - truly as best as we can!! :bookworm: , particularly when people suffer from physical pain or ailments on top of PTSD - and these things overlap way too often.

Just...diving in. Keep diving, keep swimming, all that jazz. I don't know why I do it but there's something in me that will not quite give up completely. Stubbornness, I suppose. I want to do more.

 

[EmmaOwl]

So, yes, I do understand... I know this is temporary, I have been here way too many times to count... but it does get old, waiting and going thru the motions, waiting for it to lift

We still have purpose in our lives, we still are not going to quit, we still do what we need to do... but it is ok to tired of it all too,

and just two 'not quite with it people' , holding hands in the dark, telling each other... this too shall pass... because it does..

Lovely sentiment here, thank you so much for writing it all out. I most definitely understand the dread of getting out. I've gotten some agoraphobic leanings - partly because I feel so much physically healthier in the house where I don't get exposed to pollens, or perfumes, or the stuff you can't avoid. I spend 6 months without getting a sinus infection and I'm like "Great!" andd then I think, "Should I do the grocery shopping or ask for help? Um...."
So that's something to be working on.

But yeah there's always something new. There are those HUGE things, and then you get a little problem, a second little problem, you solve the first one but two more pop up... I very much like your "not quite with it, holding hands." I love that image, @ladee , and you have been such a constant for me here, I must thank you so much. You're a joy even through tears.

 

[EmmaOwl]

It sucks to not be feeling at your best and in pain for long periods of time, it is depressing because I d...

@Rain, thank you for all your kindnesses. I can be much darker than a bright spot...or disappear entirely at times... I am a crank and a curmudgeon but , I still have something going in me and I'm glad whenever I can contribute here, in any way. You've been a bright spot to me, too. ((((Rain))))

 

[EmmaOwl]

I hope your confusion settles and things start to feel right again.

Yes it's disconcerting, isn't it? I feel quite surreal these days and it is not very pleasant... but I do, now, expect to come out on the other side - with help. I know you've been through terrors and ups an downs, also, and I'm always glad to see your name pop up.

 

[talon]

I am so, so tired. Last week I was thinking, "Why is there not compassionate care for PTSD and Bipolar...

I feel sad to hear this . I suffer pain with rhumatoid arthritis but understand stress makes it worse. My past life and those who abused a child means i could ask why me? But i don't those who abused are long gone and cannot hurt me any more so why should i allow them in my head and my life. Life can be hard but also could be much worse. I count my blessing and remind myself i am a survivor not a victim

 

[EmmaOwl]

I feel sad to hear this . I suffer pain with rhumatoid arthritis but understand stress makes it wo...

Sorry you are sad... sorry for your sufferings... I'm glad to know you are away and safe as a survivor. You sound very strong, not to wonder "Why me?" It's an easy trap to fall into.