I think i was sexually abused as a child but i have no memory of it

[Cashmire]

Yes, this may sound absolutely insane and I sincerely apologize if this is taken in the wrong way.

I'm a teenage girl. Maybe I am overreacting. Although, since I began thinking about this possibility, it has started to drive me insane (even while on Ativan.)

Firstly, I began masturbating in about 5th grade, which would be the age of 10. At this age, suicidal thoughts and social anxiety began to become a really prominent issue and followed me all the way up until today. This was also when I started therapy. I continue to masturbate excessively whenever stressed or upset but I go through phases where the thought of masturbation disgusts me.

To this day I have a weird extreme fear of intimacy or affection of any kind. My dad or mom kissing me on the cheek or hugging me makes me super uncomfortable and I feel the same way when they compliment me (call me pretty or beautiful or something.) Even when I really like a boy, even being touched or brushed lightly by them or being spoken to slightly romantically by then makes me feel super anxious to the point of wanting to throw up . The thought of reuniting with an old childhood friend recently gave me extreme anxiety and when I find out a boy likes me.

Being around people from my dad's side of the family makes me super uncomfortable and I have vivid memory as a child being really scared of a few of them.

Is there a possibility I was molested? What should I do? Are there ways to help me with my affection/intimacy issues?

 

[Ope]

Is there a possibility I was molested?

Sure there is! There is also the possibilty that you weren't.

What should I do?

You deal with these issues one at a time in therapy. Don't fill in the blanks where there is no memory. Did it and it was wrong, I had the action in memory and it was correct but the person wasn't there and my mind filled in the person which made the most sense at the time and thus I had an actual false memory. It, all of it, became memory. And it took me a long time dismantling it, pick it apart, and piece it back together where my memory started to come and the correct person started to emerge. I verified that this new person was indeed the correct one with a few key people there. But that took a very long time so I would reframe from doing that.

Is it possible that you supressed memory of childhood abuse? Yep. Is it possible that you have these issues for some other reason and weren't ever abused? Yep. So you should bring this all up to your therapist (or let them read the thread) and start to work on it one at a time.

Are there ways to help me with my affection/intimacy issues?

Yep. But I'd get with your therapist about it.

 

[Ibom]

There are lots of reasons for the things you've posted - many of which have nothing to do with being molested.

It not unusual for very young children to stimulate themselves in a form of masturbation. You say you're a teenage girl - I don't know what age you are but some discomfort around physical affection/contact can be really normal in that adolescents can feel very awkward about their own physicality/sexuality etc given how much the body, mind, emotions change in teenage years.

Is there a reason you've gone to "was I molested" rather than normal human developmental stuff?