Traumatic therapy experiences

[BigBirdsSister]

Hi everyone, sorry for writing here again. I have been having terrible constant emotional distress over this for the last few weeks. I have had some pretty bad experiences with past therapists, well 2 of them. The first was a trainie counsellor, lets call him L. He would ask me questions like "is your brother normal, or is he like you?", he would get hurt when I trusted the college counsellor more than him, or get impatient when I didn't trust him withing the 3rd session, he told me I was a danger to others because of self harm. Then he would turn around and run up and hug me in the street despite saying this stuff and I thought I was the problem because he accompanied me to a referral I got from that place. A year later I brought my friend who allegedly felt suicidal to that place and they told her stay away from me, that im dangerous, scary, that i cling on to nice people.

The other, the college counsellor P implied that if i didnt go to the hospital with her, she would think i was faking suicidal thoughts. Because I have a tendancy to, what I now know to be dissociation, blank out emotionally when stressed, I did at the hospital. So I wasn't able to show any feeling really. When the nurse came, she left me there on my own, claiming she wanted to go get her lunch. The hospital sent me home. She shouted at me for suicidal thoughts a month of so later, screaming at me to think of the people in haiti.

3 years later my most previous therapist H tried to get me a referral for trauma therapy, but the nurse there totally dismissed me and even with my therapist advocating for me, she totally undermined her as a professional.

Being back in therapy, after 4 years of being scared to go anywhere near a therapist is terrifying to me. I am having constant panic attacks, and distressing thoughts. I tried to talk to my therapist about suicidal thoughts but I became terrified of her....she's so sweet and empathetic but I was so so scared last session.

I don't know if I should tell her about the past.I am scared she will judge me. I know it is my own fault for being so needy and suicidal in the past. I don't want her to think I am playing the victim either. I don't feel like a victim and I don't feel badly towards those two counsellors. What should I do? Do I even have anything to be upset about ...I feel like its my own fault.

 

[anthony]

Hi everyone, sorry for writing here again.

Hi. Be sorry for things you do wrong, not things you do right. The purpose of this site is for you to write here.

he told me I was a danger to others because of self harm

Lets just leave it at trainee counsellor. The sheer idiocy of their statement above about you being a danger to others because of self harm, is just ludicrous and demonstrates the lacking knowledge.

Saying that -- what is your trauma that you're talking about with these people, if you don't mind answering that?

As for disclosure to your new therapist. If you go into therapy thinking on your therapists behalf, then you will get little out of therapy. End result will be you thinking on their behalf, keeping a whole bunch of secrets that negatively affect you -- which you sought therapy for in the first place -- and your therapy experience will do little to help you because of, you.

Therapy is a closed environment. It is one where you can talk openly and honestly. Use it just like that. Blurt out all your secrets to your therapist and let them help you decide whats important for dealing with and whats noise.

There is a difference between suicidal ideation and a plan. Talk suicide all day with a good therapist, they should embrace it. You're talking about it, which is healthy. Make a plan though -- you're likely getting locked up if they believe you're going to try and kill yourself. Be honest with them about suicide -- like I said, a good trauma therapist should embrace it that you're talking about your feelings, not dismiss it.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Hi Anthony, thanks that made me feel a little better about telling her. I have always felt like I had deserved people to treat me that way because of being too much work. I have acted on my thoughts on the past but I am more or less likely to be safer now.

I know, it was unreal, I was so shocked when he said it. I am no danger to others, I rarely even yell. O_O It hurt! lol

I don't mind you asking you the trauma, it was sexual in nature and it was another preteen my age at the time. I don't want to say any more though because I don't want to trigger myself.

 

[anthony]

I have always felt like I had deserved people to treat me that way because of being too much work.

I think most of us with trauma think that way, until we actually start to embrace the entire point of therapy -- unload everything and let the professional help us sort it out. You just have to take the leap & have a good trauma therapist.

You can always tell a good trauma therapist. You can tell them pretty much anything, and they will just take it in, process it (they've heard it all before more than likely), then advise you on the best course of action.

The first words out of my therapists mouth when I sought professional treatment, was along the lines of, "There is nothing I haven't heard. You won't shock me, surprise me, or otherwise. I've been treating combat veterans x decades now, and I have heard everything that occurs in war zones." At which point I just unloaded without thinking further and she helped me make sense of the shit fight in my head, to some degree.

I have acted on my thoughts on the past but I am more or less likely to be safer now.

Haven't we all? Stability is a fickle beast though, to be honest. You can think you're good now, and won't act on suicidal urges, but trust me -- be super open to yourself about the reality here -- suicidal thoughts will attempt to best you when you start processing your trauma and enduring the pain of it. Again... embrace it, talk about it, be open to it, don't think its unnatural or such to be wanting to kill yourself to stop the mental pain and anguish. All normal.

Just keep it healthy and talk about it until you no longer feel like wanting to do it. That is the trick.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Yes you are likley right. It's ok to tell her anything. She seems like a tough cookie, newer to the job than some but from talking to her I can tell she knows her stuff and she is very kind and empathic.

Would it be pathetic to ask her to be extra gentle while I tell her the above?

I am scared of becoming unstable again. I don't want to let my Dr down is has faith in me to remain stable and is being so encourging and I am scared I'll scare the therapist I guess. I will try and keep talking to her about it though. Last time I talked to her about suicide, I got very frightened of her, like she was replaced by L. It was so scary and weird. What he said about being dangerous has left me terrified of all therapists thereafter, either of judgment, or if they are non judgmental, I fear unknowingly harming them psychologically.

 

[anthony]

Would it be pathetic to ask her to be extra gentle while I tell her the above?

Telling your therapist anything is not pathetic. Don't think with negative connotations in relation to therapy, think openness and full disclosure. If you need to precede telling your therapist with a "please be gentle with what I'm about to tell you" comment, then do just that. A good therapist will know what to do with that, and how to follow-up once you've told them.