Confusing therapy experience- could this be countertransference or something else?

[Friday]

I think I was hoping for reassurance that I was not insane and some practical discussion of how to handle things like that. This therapist works mostly with abuse victims about trauma so I thought he might understand this type of reaction (before this war thing I had mostly been talking about setting boundaries with my family to try to feel safe from the person who abused me).

I have found I cannot work with people who specialize in abuse, having both abuse AND war in my history.

What is obvious to ME, and obvious to therapists who work with combat vets/ civilians/ refugees? Seems to break abuse & rape & DV therapists brains. They WANT to help, that’s obvious, but all their training and experience on one side of the trauma-sphere just doesn’t translate to the other side.

It’s like how PTSD tends to split 180degrees? Rape victims tend to either become sexually anorexic or promiscuous; rage vs fear; abandoning vs being abandoned; thrill seeking vs hiding; etc., etc., etc., makes SENSE both in a waaaaaaay pulled back overview of the disorder itself, as well as in microcosms or of trauma types… but??? Switching trauma types and everything SEEMS to turn upside down and sideways.

So I’ve learned I really need to work with people who “get” me. And what’s hard. And how. And why.

 

[Movingforward10]

When I re read your post to come back and reply more fully, the more red flags I was seeing about your T.....

In the middle of that explanation he stopped me in the middle of the sentence and said in a very direct way 'don't get hung up on what it was.'

That's really difficult when a T stops you from speaking. That must be really jarring.
I wonder though if he was trying to get you to focus on the bigger issue rather than being drawn into an isolated issue. I know for me, if I focus on a part only rather than the full thing: I get stuck in a loop and can't move on.

So I think I interpreted this as him saying
'You are crazy'
'You shouldn't need to talk about this'
'There are consequences for talking about this'
'I am uncomfortable with dissociation or flashbacks or don't know how to work with them'
'I am going to ask you questions and then prevent you from answering'

This is where being triggered can make an interpretation of what someone said go into a total over direction.
I don't take what he said there as any of those things but just trying, maybe, to help you focus on something else.
But you experienced it in this way and that means his intervention didn't help.

I have no idea how it got from there to other subjects, but I experienced it as him asking rapid fire questions and not giving me space to answer.

This makes me wonder if you were disassociated but didn't realise? Either he was firing questions. Or, sometimes I think when I am heightened , I can experience something as quick fire questions but actually I taking longer to process because there is so much going on in my brain.
Could that happen for you?

Especially when I said, 'I know I need to talk to my mom, but I am worried when I do that I will lose her.' And he responded 'I don't think that's likely'

I can imagine that felt dismissive as he wasn't hearing you. I can see how that would make you feel shit down/silenced.

. It frustrated me because he absolutely does not know this and if I trusted him I would be setting myself up for major, major heartache by believing he does.

Yeah, I can see that.

like he was panicking

Maybe he was?

t scared the hell out of me when he jokingly blocked the door. Why would that be funny?

It isn't. Not one bit.
A man and a therapist who thinks it is, in my book, isn't safe.

k I need first to go back to basics and ask him when he is going to be here.

This makes sense. And sounds really sensible.

don't know if I am just being a drama queen but coming every week feels like it would help me and I don't know if going this infrequently is worse than not going at all.

You're not being a drama queen . You're reflecting, your open to thinking about the event from all angles. You know how it made you feel. You've come on here to ask us all our views as you want to mull it over. Nothing dramatic about any of that at all.
And you're clear about what you need.

Do you understand their thought process behind it? (sorry if this comes across as pedantic, I am trying to unspook myself)

I'm not sure I understand the theory behind it but I think what they are trying to do (or at least T did was trying), was to meet us firmly. I think when we are triggered into such a state and it's not budging, they become firm to put in clear boundaries, to push us to move out of the state we are in. I have no idea if I am articulating that properly. But if they meet us with softness and what we think we might need which is reassurance, I don't think it moves us on? We stay in that place? Idk. I have always experienced it as a tricky interaction and a very very delicate dance. I've been more open to it or felt it worked better when my T would say her things but in a very very very soft voice, rather than in a way that I perceived to be authoritative as that triggered me into even more of a state. So it wasn so much what she said but how she said it?idk if that makes any sense.

 

[sidptitala]

I have seen this therapist again and thought about it a lot (and thank you greatly for all of your responses, they helped so much).

I directly brought up a lot of these things to the therapist. He said he will give me his calendar next week if it's important to me, but that the research says it doesn't matter how many times per month I see him. So some of the decision about seeing him more will rest on this- as I'm realizing that more or less weekly sessions are important to me, at least at the start and when I'm doing very badly or going through a lot.

I am definitely bringing a lot of transference to our interactions. I think I should clarify that it wasn't the door of the therapy room itself he blocked, but one of the exit routes outside it (his joke was that if he blocked that way, I wouldn't go down the wrong way and get stuck in the staircase again). It still freaked me out, as the last person to block my exit by stretching his arms out like that was my dad (and I have told the therapist that story). In the moment when the therapist stretched his arms out, I felt catapulted back to trying to escape my dad. So for sure, I am experiencing transference.

I explained to the therapist when I saw I'm that I'm terrified - of him, of the setting, everything. And the blocking the corridor thing really didn't help. At first he was apologetic but later became defensive. His shoulders were shaking and he denied he blocked the exit. I empasised I knew he was joking but that of course I have to ask myself so many questions because it happened- like did he really not understand that it would be scary to a traumatised woman to joke about that? Did he forget or did it not occur to him that joking acting out some of what I've told him would freak me out? What if I tell him something more vulnerable and he decides to joke about it too? I said I was afraid that the more I said to him the easier it would become to scare or hurt me. I think the last point is when he started to become really defensive.

What I have to weigh up now is whether to go back on a waiting list or try to get whatever I can from this therapist. He quite clear about what I need to do- which is tell him the details of how I was abused as a child. He's expressed frustration that I feel so much restriction on speaking with him. He says he doesn't see himself as a man, but I don't find that very reassuring.

A part of me wonders why he feels like needs the details. A part of me wonders why he expects me to just trust him automatically.

There's something in the situation that deeply reminds me of the abuse itself. Being expected to just trust a man with authority over you. Where if you don't the problem is there's something wrong with you. I think this is why not having information about what's going to happen is so scary to me.

At the last second with this therapist I thought I was in a situation with my dad again. Later on memories came back to me, ones where nothing bad happened. My dad bought me a book and I thought 'he's going to stop now' and I had so much hope that he would (he didn't). I sat up the whole night with this memory and struggled to work the next day. Now I'm not sure whether I can go forward with my goal of increasing distance from him because I forgot that a part of me loves him? Even though I know he's not safe. This has undone everything I felt recently about him, and it's so confusing.

I don't know if there is something therapeutic in this? Or not? It feels terrifying and throws a lot of my recent resolutions into chaos

 

[Sues]

From my perspective, so much of what you are describing with this therapist is wrong.

To go from apologetic to defensive about his inappropriate behavior in blocking you from exiting, is very disturbing. Then he denied doing it!! WTF?! This is a big red flag to me. That one behavior is horrible, inappropriate, and more than enough to tell him to go to hell.

Not being able to tell him the details of your abuse is common. He should never be pressuring you to do so. It has to happen at your pace. Rushing or pushing you only sets you back further and causes harm!

The fact that you are terrified of him is very concerning. (I would be too) I don't think you can develop any type of therapeutic relationship because of this.

It is absolutely ridiculous that he would expect you to trust him.

I would suggest you run as far away from him as you can. He is not trustworthy or safe.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

 

[Abstract]

To my mind, most importantly you shouldn't be feeling Pressured to speak about the details of what happened to you.

I am realising that trauma therapy should always start with:
Securities the relationship - you both know how to work with each other and there is enough trust
Ensuring the client is secure enough in their life to continue with therapy in a way that works for them. For example able to work if they need to, manage their health etc
Ensuring the client has enough relevant coping skills and validation of their strengths plus a plan to help when processing the traumatic memories/material
Only then to go delving into traumatic material - at a safe pace for the client and in context of the demands on them in their lives

Checking that these are in place helps ensure the client isn't retraumatised.

It doesn't sound like he is doing this for you. It's odd considering he specialises in abuse.

 

[Weemie]

A part of me wonders why he feels like needs the details. A part of me wonders why he expects me to just trust him automatically

Listen to those parts of you. This guy is a dangerous, shitty therapist. He's clearly shown you that he won't take accountability for his deeply unethical and unprofessional behavior, and he can't even get out of his own way enough to apologize! He's a dud. Time to drop this dipshit.

 

[sidptitala]

I think I should clarify that it wasn't the door of the therapy room itself he blocked, but one of the exit routes outside it (his joke was that if he blocked that way, I wouldn't go down the wrong way and get stuck in the staircase again). It still freaked me out, as the last person to block my exit by stretching his arms out like that was my dad (and I have told the therapist that story). In the moment when the therapist stretched his arms out, I felt catapulted back to trying to escape my dad. So for sure, I am experiencing transference.

At first he was apologetic but later became defensive. His shoulders were shaking and he denied he blocked the exit. I empasised I knew he was joking

I understand that he technically didn't block me of any exit - since he blocked a way which if I went I would be trapped.

I understand why it feels scary to me. But I'm quite possibly overreacting?

I do have ptsd, and I'm easily scared by a man.

 

[Abstract]

I understand that he technically didn't block me of any exit - since he blocked a way which if I went I would be trapped.

I understand why it feels scary to me. But I'm quite possibly overreacting?

I do have ptsd, and I'm easily scared by a man.

It sounds a little to me that both things are legitimate. He should really have known better, likely didn't mean any harm and when we have PTSD and are in a triggered state we do interpret things differently. I hate that aspect of trauma so much.

If you use your wise mind, what do you think of him? Is it harmful or not? I'm concerned about him wanting to dive into trauma details without prep.

 

[Sues]

But I'm quite possibly overreacting?

Nope. I don't think you're overreacting at all.

 

[sidptitala]

Thank you all so much for all of your help with this. I can't begin to express how much it helped to get other people's input.

In the end, his availability over the next few months is not frequent at all. So I am going to change therapist, to a woman I hope. (I'm very relieved about this, even though I do think he meant well)

 

[sidptitala]

I have found I cannot work with people who specialize in abuse, having both abuse AND war in my history.

What is obvious to ME, and obvious to therapists who work with combat vets/ civilians/ refugees? Seems to break abuse & rape & DV therapists brains

This is a really interesting comment to me because I've experienced something similar before. I did emdr with somebody who was great about war but not great about abuse.

(Well he was great about war up to a point)

This is why I'm focusing more now on finding someone who is good about abuse. But it will be interesting to see what happens because the war and abuse stuff are all tangled together for me, its very hard to separate them. And the presence of each seems to impede healing the other.

(This thread as an example, I went to this guy about abuse but struggled to talk about it at least in part because instead of being stable my daily life involves losing my mind about war)