What is it with repeating the trauma over and over again?

[Sterre]

As psychological laws require ;), a lot of people suffering from (childhood) trauma keep repeating their trauma in one way or another. I myself am no exception to this rule. It's getting more clear to me, that I repeat some form of abbandonment issue in my (romantic) relationships.

I tend to attract/ and feel attracted to partners who are not emotionally available, thus subcounsiously re-creating the neglect, rejection, overcompensation, and hurt of the original trama all over again. It became clear to me that this is what I tend to do, and I hope some change will come with recognising this pattern/compulsion.

Feeling all the emotions of the trauma again, hurts really, really bad,and feels life treathing. Allthough I'm starting to recognise the pattern, I fall short in understanding what the gain is in subconsiously repeating the trauma? Some say we keep repeating the trauma because we are looking for ways to solve it, but it seems so illogical to me. What is the deal with repeating trauma? Is there some other explanation or insight as to why this compulsion is so obstinate?

 

[The Albatross]

Rules for Life / Rule 4: "Lessons are repeated until they are learned." ~ If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules: Ten Rules for Being Human by Cherie Carter-Scott

 

[Russell2017]

As psychological laws require ;), a lot of people suffering from (childhood) trauma keep repeating their...

It will reach a point where it will start to get stronger by the year, then by the month and new mental conditions will happen. It will only keep getting worse unless you somehow find effective treatment and all of the work, only you can do and absolutly no one else can. If too many triggers and stressers such as your job or a person and so on are in the way of you being able to do any work on yourself then enough of thous things will have to be completly removed long enough or progress will not happen no matter what help you have.

 

[Russell2017]

You will have to fix that first.

 

[The Albatross]

Thanks Sterre

 

[Sterre]

Eh? You're welcome @TheAlbatross!

"Lessons are repeated untill they are learned", I struggle with this concept, because it makes me feel bad about myself. I tend to believe I am a quick learner, and have thought many times that I finally learned 'the' lesson, only to repeat it again some years later.
If there is a lesson to be learned, than the lesson is that I obviously fail to learn this lesson, and that I cannot rely on my judgement of people.

It is starting to feel inescapable...and that makes me feel very depressed. I really have no idea how to change this repeating pattern. The only thing I can come up with is to not engage in a romantic relationship anymore, but I feel that prize is to high. Surviving a shitty childhood for a life without a meaningfull and loving partner...whah, i'm just feeling very sorry for myself today. :O_o:

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Eh? You're welcome @TheAlbatross!

"Lessons are repeated untill they are learned", I struggle with this c...

Do you discuss this in therapy? I started questioning every judgement that I had on people. My therapist helped me sort some of that out.

The relationship issues are tricky. I think that you kind of have to sort out your inner child before you will be ready for a healthy adult relationship. Or make a list of red flags to watch out for. As I wrote earlier (before deleting), I went through a whole process of shit and self discovery before I got it "mostly" right, and there are still challenges. At some point you just look in the mirror and say, "make a f*cking change in your life, this just isn't working. You can only control you!"

 

[Sterre]

Thanks Texcat.

Yes I discus it in therapy, but there is only so much my therapist can do, and this is not one of his best areas, so to speak. I discussed the relationship with my therapist, I discussed my confusion with my therapist, I discussed that the relationship was disfunctional or maybe toxic, I'm not sure about it yet.

The reminder of sorting things out with my innerchild, is good. Last couples of weeks I have done some innerchild meditations,and innerchild work, but lost track of it last week. I believe I am on the path of honest self discovery, maybe today is a set back in old ways. Time to make contact with my innerchild to comfort her.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Thanks Texcat.

Yes I discus it in therapy, but there is only so much my therapist can do, and this is n...

Great plan! I haven't even reached mine yet. My therapist told me that when I was 19 I was still living with the mindset of a child. She wanted me to write from that perspective. I wrote three things and she said "nope" to each one. And that was our last session. Now I wait for the emdr therapist switch. Feeling vulnerable... yuck yuck yuck.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What is the deal with repeating trauma?

My therapist says its what feels normal to us and we all want normality.

I have a poll on this very topic.

Do You Re-create Your Trauma?

~ In case it can help ~

My therapist says that it is my comfort zone. If I keep venturing out of my comfort zone, even though I am compeled back, eventually that comfort zone line moves. So, to me, it feels like a rubber band. Stretch out, snap back. But the more I stretch out, the more the entire rubber band moves.

Not sure if that makes any sense. Just how it feels to me.

 

[Sterre]

Why did she say Nope to what you wrote?

 

[Sterre]

@lostforgottensoul; it makes sense.

The problem as I see it, is that some people with CPTSD ( including myself) have to act sort of counter-intuitive when it comes to chosing romantic partners. It is very normal to feel atracted to what feels familair, everybody does so, and if you have had safe caregivers and safe attachment, there is nothing to worry about because the familiar feeling you get with people and love interests, is based on familiarity of safety.

I seek out partners ( or i think I do) that are somehow familiar on a subconsious level. And eventhough this time I fel in love with someone who didnt look like anything familiar on the surface, he turned out to be as distant, neglectfull, harsh and selffish as my caregivers where. In the end it gave me the same feeling of fear, shame, responsibility and guilt as I had when I was a child. It must be either some subconsious mating call for the worst, or it is to my doing that (most of) my romantic partners turned out to be unkind people... I really don't know!

I will check out the poll!