Past Abuse - Should My Young Daughter See A Doctor?

[Hemels]

Hi Guys, :hello:

In April 2008 I ran away from my abusive ex-boyfriend of nearly 8 years. My eldest daughter was 4 and 1/2 and the youngest 5 months old. For nearly 6 years that I was with their father he was abusive both physically, mentally and sexually towards me. From the age of 3 months old he started hitting my eldest daughter. At first it was a slap on her legs, arms, hands, face or maybe a shake because she wouldn't shut up, but the older she got the worse he got with her.

I'd find myself locking myself away in another room while he took his anger out on her, wishing and hoping I wouldn't be next, although I always was. Quite a few times I stood up for her - like you'd expect mothers to, resulting in me nearly being stabbed and strangled till I fainted. It came to a point she'd be better off suffering a few bumps and bruises then having no mum and no hope or way out. (selfish I know - for this I always have felt guilty for and still do.)

Anyway back to the subject in hand - After leaving him in April 2008 I found myself being diagnosed with C-PTSD in February 2009, after a spate of blank-outs, suicide attempts, panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I have been concentrating so much on getting better for my family I never took time to look at my own daughter. She is now 5 nearly 6 and I just didn't take into account how much she suffered too, watching her mum being beaten half to death by her dad, suffering beatings herself, untill she spoke about it to me the other day saying "<Ex's Name> used to hit me and you really hard!"

She's started to show very simular symptons to me and I am wondering whether PTSD can be diagnosed in such a young age? Whether it would be useful for me to take her to the doctors?

I have spent her whole life being an absolutely awful mother that I really want to make the right desition this time and make up for it, Please give me some advise guys I no longer have the capability of desiding things for myself anymore due to my mental state at the moment. :wall:

Hemmy xXx

 

[Mina]

Hemmy, I'm sorry to hear of what you and your daughter suffered through at the hands of this "man" (said with great sarcasm).

I do think you have a great idea there in taking your daughter to see a professional. Whether or not she has PTSD, she was traumatized physically and mentally from a very young age. Not only that, but she consciously remembers it. At 5 years old, she doesn't have the coping skills to be able to understand what happened, or frame things in the proper context. A professional might be able to help her do so, and perhaps this would help her process it and avoid unhealthy behaviors or PTSD down the road.

It's wonderful that you are seeing what happened for what it is/was (so many people in denial...!) and really trying to turn things around for both of you. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Hemels]

Thank you Mina,

Your comment and advise is very much apreciated :smile:

One other issue is - I am not sure if i should ask my new partner (her step-dad and was my best friend for 10 years before we got together) to go with her? I would love too, but I am affraid that if I go and listen to all the issues I know deep down inside that she has, that it will hinder my healing in some way or form ...

Does that make sense to anyone?!? Am I being selfish thinking like that? I do feel that I will not be able to help her cope with it, if I am not stable and unable to cope myself ...:dontknow:

Hemmy xXx

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Hemmy -

First - I think you are so strong for being able to leave this person (I refuse to call him a man). I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you to begin to heal from such a horrible relationship. Your guilt though - holds you back. I do think your daughter should get professional help. My suggestion would be for you to discuss this further with whomever you are seeing. Perhaps they have someone in the same practice - and as a team they can begin working with both of you.

Now - PLEASE don't take what I am about to say harshly - I am only trying to be as honest as possible - and my feelings come from the other side of the fence - I'm not sure that you want to start out your daughter's relationship with her step-dad (for either one of them) - with him bearing the weight of her sessions. (He is about her new life - this is about her old life).

First of all, most therapist would not have you sitting in there during her session. At her age - they do alot of play therapy and she is more likely to open up (slowly) if she is able to build a relationship and trust the therapist on her own. However, you should be a part of it - as much as you can handle to keep yourself healthy. It will show her that you trust her feelings, you respect them and that you support her recovery as well.

Again, I think it is wonderful that you can see outside of your pain and what you are dealing with - to recognize that your daughter needs help as well - you really are a strong woman - and you CAN do this for both of you.

 

[becvan]

She's started to show very simular symptons to me and I am wondering whether PTSD can be diagnosed in such a young age? Whether it would be useful for me to take her to the doctors?

Yes, PTSD can be diagnosed at such a young age although it's very difficult to determine it. Most likely they will want to see her for awhile first.

She does need to see someone. However you need to be prepared here. In order to help her you are going to have to be brutally honest about what has happened to her and your role or lack of one in it. This can be a terrifying prospect, but your daughter will really need the honesty in order to get appropriate help.

I do think you need to be the one to take her. You are the one with the truth of what happened after all. I also believe that not wanting to go is a way to avoid the truth. Hiding from it will not heal you.

best of luck.
bec

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I agree with bec, but I want to add one thing. My son knows I felt guilt over the verbal abuse once I realized I treated him like my friend instead of my child.

Now he tries to take advantage of that. For a long time I felt so much guilt I let him run the show, and I was victimized by him and his verbal abuse. But, now I've gotten things straight in my mind how it works with a parent and child.

I already apologized for my inability to nurture him, and told him I did the best I could until I understood what was going on. I was honest with him and admitted that I "own" my part of his problems.

He can forgive me or not? It's his call and I will respect his decision either way, but I will not feel no more guilt, which allowed me to back down and let him intimidate me.

I think it's important to be honest, then forgive yourself because if you don't you might find your child using that guilt in manipulative ways when she gets older unless the both of you heal a great amount before she reaches those pre-teen years.

Take care
Tammy

 

[Nam]

My oldest child did not suffer from abuse. She saw her mother (me) go through PTSD when she was two. There were times when all she had to eat was what she could find..a granola bar. She saw me react to loud sounds and to flashbacks. I do believe that she learned how to react to stimuli from me. She lives her life in fear. It takes her a long time to trust anyone. She hates storms, of being left behind, of loud noises, of strangers, of anything. So, knowing that a kid can have residual effects from a parent going through PTSD, I can't imagine her coming through her own abuse free of symptoms.

The earlier you can get her in, the better. And remember, she's still learning from you. (((HUGS))) mama.

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry for your current situation and the abuse you and your daughter have been through.

As a child who was abused by a male parent I still struggle trying to understand why my mother did not protect me. She never explained anything nor let me know she knew anything was wrong with what happened to me yet the scars are still deep and cause me pain as an adult. She may have had her reasons like you but as she never told me I can only presume. In my mind she was the one who had a responsibility to protect me and she didn't.

If your daughter is talking about what happened and you are avoiding discussing it with her you may be inadvertently dismissing what she is trying to acknowledge and understand. To me you should be saying " yes he did hit mummy hard and it was very wrong of him to do that...It was wrong for him to hit you too and mummy is very sorry..... or it makes mummy sad that he did that to you and mummy will try everything she can to make sure no-one does this to you ever again". I believe you have to give your daughter information and allow her to process it even if it causes you more pain. In my opinion you had a child and you have a responsibility to protect her....no matter the excuse or the reason, as harsh as that sounds. I think you now have to live up to your responsibility to help her deal with what happened and grieve the loss of a father and process all the abuse she went through. You can't change what happened but you can make a difference now and if I was you I would be rising to the opportunity you now have before you...to help your daughter before it possibly screws her up for life.

As for the step-father....be careful not to try and replace your daughter's father with this man. She has just been treated badly by her father and throwing her into the arms of another man in the role of a step-father can be dangerous. It is important for you to let this man and daughter work out their relationship with your support and making sure that the entire time you are making sure your daughter is ok. I am a step parent and the only thing I have ever tried to be is the friend of the children and earn their trust; not take the place of another parent. If over time I am viewed as a second mother figure or just a significant female by the children that is a blessing but not a right.

I personally struggle to understand why it took you so long to leave this abusive man and trust that if it ever happens again you will not stay so long. To me it sounds like you only got out as you had another relationship to go to but I hope this is not the case.

Now is your time to try and make things better for your daughter. Be strong and go with her to get professional help. If you could withstand being beaten and abused for 6 years going to see a professional could only be a walk in the park in comparison. I personally think your guilt is your current problem and running away or hand balling any responsibility will not change anything.

I think now is the time for you to be the better mother that you can be and you are strong enough not to let an illness stop you from helping the most precious thing you have in the world.

 

[Hemels]

Warning - may cause triggers!!

Thank you for all the great contributions guys, you have all opened my eyes wider to the situation in hand. I have made an appointment for my daughter to come with me to see my doctor, so we can sit and talk with him and explain the current situation (before this gets any deeper with her)

I am very appreciative of everyones opinions on this matter and although no one knows the ins and outs of this story at the moment, cause I don't feel strong enough to currently open completely up, in time I hope to.

Nicolette I took great interest in reading your comment, as it was lilke reading what could possibly be what my daughter writes about her abuse in the future. I was wanting to clarify a few things with you and ask you some more questions if you do not mind :smile:

As a child who was abused by a male parent I still struggle trying to understand why my mother did not protect me. She never explained anything nor let me know she knew anything was wrong with what happened to me yet the scars are still deep and cause me pain as an adult. She may have had her reasons like you but as she never told me I can only presume. In my mind she was the one who had a responsibility to protect me and she didn't.

I am sorry that you endured this type of abuse Nicolette, I was never intending on not explaining the situation of why I couldn't stand up for my daughter to her. I really would like to in a few years sit down and explain everything to her, but from your point of view what age would this be benificial at doing? She already at 5 nearly 6 is probabily thinking these things but in my eyes she is too young too listen to what happened to mummy isn't she? Not that she'd even understand :dontknow:

As for the step-father....be careful not to try and replace your daughter's father with this man. She has just been treated badly by her father and throwing her into the arms of another man in the role of a step-father can be dangerous. It is important for you to let this man and daughter work out their relationship with your support and making sure that the entire time you are making sure your daughter is ok.

As breifly mentioned in my first post, her step father has been my best friend for 10 years before we got together. He was more of a father to my daughter then he father ever was. He was at her birth (her real father couldn't be bothered to turn up) All her birthdays and her baptism, He has been such a part of her life that she called him Dad before calling her own father Dad. (If that makes any sense) I am confident that she trusts him and loves him as they have always had a great relationship together.

I personally struggle to understand why it took you so long to leave this abusive man and trust that if it ever happens again you will not stay so long. To me it sounds like you only got out as you had another relationship to go to but I hope this is not the case.

Again from your situation I can completely understand why you think this. I'd like to tell you, you really are not the first person to say that. I come accross these comments alot and although I am confident that I am not the only women (or even man) on this site that has been in a abusive relationship I will explain why personally I couldn't leave. (This does happen in too many cases of domestic violence - Please be aware this is not in detail as I am uncomfortable in opening completely up)

((WARNING MAY CAUSE TRIGGERS!!))

When I first met this guy, it was like meeting my soul mate. We did everything together and couldn't stand to be apart. Me and my parents didn't get along so when he offered for me to move in I quickly jumped at the chance. Everything was fine and after 2 years of being together and living together for a year and being engaged that is when the trouble started.

At first it was a case of
<EX> - "<Name> did <reason> to you *Hemmy*, I can't believe you still want to be there friend. If I was you I wouldn't!"

I thought nothing about it, but he gradually built it up on my insecurities. Taking advantage of my major depression, my low moods and my skin condition to make me feel like he was the only person in the world that cared about me.

Then when I stopped going out cause I had comepletly blanked everyone else out of my life that is when the violence and sexual violence started.

The main reason I stayed was I had no money, no friends and no where to go. He'd brain washed me into beleiving everything he said and when he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again I thought that maybe this time he was telling the truth. The only person I had was <Current Partner> who was my best friend at the time. He spent as much time as he could with me to get me to realise that when <Ex> said he wouldn't do it again that he would. It took a long time to get through to me as i used to completely block it and and ignore that it was happening, when I realised I couldn't go home to my parents house cause they didn't want me and the shelter was full :doh:I still had no money and had no where to go. <Current Partner> then gave me the way to leave by giving me the money and the place (taking me to his caravan) I just had to have the guts to leave then.

It wasn't till about 2 months after i'd left that me and my <Current partner> decided to give us a go.

Hope this explains a little Nicolette, please be aware I may get the strength to talk more in detail in future, but not right now.

Hemmy xXx

 

[becvan]

The main reason I stayed was I had no money, no friends and no where to go.

Hemels, I just wanted to point out something. That sentence up there is a total excuse. It is not the reason you stayed, whatsoever. It is the reason you tell yourself. Being brainwashed and feeling trapped, absolutely part of it but having no money, no friends and no where to go is not. That sentence should be replaced with I was afraid. Start with those three little words and you will figure out why you stayed for so long. I have been in both Nicolette's position and in yours. Truth is the way to heal. Simple truths with your daughter are necessary right now. She is not to young to be told that you are sorry for what she went through and that you will ensure it won't happen again. She needs to have it acknowledged.

I'm very glad you are going to take her in. It sounds like you are starting the healing process yourself and even better that you are starting one for your daughter also. It can only strengthen both of you.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

I was wanting to clarify a few things with you and ask you some more questions if you do not mind :smile:

Not a problem Hemmy....my aim is to help as I have been there.

I really would like to in a few years sit down and explain everything to her, but from your point of view what age would this be benificial at doing? She already at 5 nearly 6 is probably thinking these things but in my eyes she is too young too listen to what happened to mummy isn't she? Not that she'd even understand :dontknow:

I was six and I still remember it today. It is really important to acknowledge your daughter's suffering to her now and also let her know that what happened to both of you is not ok. There is no need to explain the ins and out and the suggestions I made above are not beyond a 5/6 year old if you ask me.

What I think is fundamental here is that your daughter can express her distress and concern and not have to bottle it up for when you think she can understand. It sounds to me like she already has some understanding by saying what she is. She knows it was wrong and needs to hear it from you and she will need to feel safe. It is a horrid way to live...in fear of a parent as a young defenceless child.

I don't think telling her what happened to mummy is the answer. I think she needs to know what she did experience and see/hear was wrong and bad and you will try everything to protect both of you from that in the future.....Its like stranger danger that children are taught when they start school. At the same age they know it is dangerous to talk to strangers and can comprehend that so there is no reason why your daughter would not be able to comprehend that it is not ok for anyone, including her father, to hurt her so.

He has been such a part of her life that she called him Dad before calling her own father Dad. (If that makes any sense) I am confident that she trusts him and loves him as they have always had a great relationship together.

While this is great that they have a great relationship it sounds a little confusing for her to be calling him dad before her own dad if you were still with him. Have I interpreted this correctly?

I am confident that I am not the only women (or even man) on this site that has been in a abusive relationship I will explain why personally I couldn't leave. (This does happen in too many cases of domestic violence - Please be aware this is not in detail as I am uncomfortable in opening completely up)

Before I read your reasons I will say this to you....do you realise that by exposing your children to such situations for ongoing periods of time can actually cause them to end up in abusive relationships as adults as that is all they understand even though it is wrong? It can also cause them to think violence is ok? It can even cause them to end up with Complex PTSD which my sister has from being abused as a child. I myself have had PTS and have lived that reality too. Ending up in relationships with men who were like the significant male in my life despite desperately wanting the opposite. If I could save any child from the struggles I have had to go through both as a child and adult I would as all it takes is loving them and keeping them safe. I know I bring my own emotion to my posts but I beg you to realise that you can do damage that lasts a lifetime.

By staying for so long and for not doing something about it now it may cause your daughter to end up with the internal conflict I had as a child which led into adulthood. One that she knew things are wrong from her internal instincts but that message is not reinforced by those around her. If you tell something everything is ok and they are scared senseless and it happens over and over it messes up your internal compass. Trust me!

The main reason I stayed was I had no money, no friends and no where to go. He'd brain washed me into beleiving everything he said and when he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again I thought that maybe this time he was telling the truth.

Wow, I am going to come across as harsh but I ran away from home and had no money and no where to live and no one to count on but that was better than living with that kind of sh*t.

I have been there too as an adult as my childhood led me down a path of ending up with the same abusive male in my life. Thing is when I stood there looking in the mirror watching the blood pour from my eye where of these males had punched me, listening to him saying he was sorry, but with no real remorse, I realised that I had a responsibility to this situation. My part was that I allowed it to happen by not getting out when I saw all the other little signs and didn't trust my gut.

At this point too, I could have told a lie to my son (as this man initially told the children...his son was there too) but stopped myself when I realised I would be setting an example for him as the truth eventually comes out. If I had lied to my son and stayed and he found out otherwise I would have taught him it is ok for men to beat women as they will stay and lie for you. There was no way I was going to do this so I went to the police. I had a responsibility to myself and my son to send a message that abusing me or us was not acceptable.

While I do acknowledge how hard it is to leave and how demeaning and soul/self esteem destroying I have pulled myself from these depths which means anyone who wants out bad enough can get out....

Hemmy I am sorry for what you have endured and I am not dismissing your pain. What my concern is.....is that you help your daughter before it is too late. She may have PTS or PTSD or just be plain screwed up right now but you have to try and save her. You really do and I am glad you are taking her to the doctor.

 

[Hemels]

Ok bec you got me, Maybe it is an excuse. But I spent so long trying to ignore the situation and put it to the back of my mind I remember very little of the whole experiance to be honest.

The major harsh things like nearly being stabbed and almost being strangled to death, being raped several times and falling pregnant from one of them, being forced to have an abortion - are the things that stick out in my head. Without some guidence I don't think I will remember why I stayed for so long just yet - I need time to be honest to work through everything I went through.

I have been reading some of the trama diaries and thinking this may be the best place to start?

Hemmy xXx