Past Abuse - Should My Young Daughter See A Doctor?

[Hemels]

I don't think telling her what happened to mummy is the answer. I think she needs to know what she did experience and see/hear was wrong and bad and you will try everything to protect both of you from that in the future.....Its like stranger danger that children are taught when they start school. At the same age they know it is dangerous to talk to strangers and can comprehend that so there is no reason why your daughter would not be able to comprehend that it is not ok for anyone, including her father, to hurt her so.

I see what you are saying here Nicolette. I will discuss with my pdoc on ways of how to bring this up with my daughter.

While this is great that they have a great relationship it sounds a little confusing for her to be calling him dad before her own dad if you were still with him. Have I interpreted this correctly?

Sorry I do have a tendency on not explaining myself enough for people to understand. When she was a baby she started calling him Dad instead of my Ex. This annoyed my ex somewhat so to pretect us both I corrected her. But recently since me and <Current partner> have been together she has been refering to him as Dad and to my <Ex> as <Name>

((Sorry if this is confusing I don't want to be mentioning names on here for mine and my daughter security))

Before I read your reasons I will say this to you....do you realise that by exposing your children to such situations for ongoing periods of time can actually cause them to end up in abusive relationships as adults as that is all they understand even though it is wrong? It can also cause them to think violence is ok? It can even cause them to end up with Complex PTSD which my sister has from being abused as a child. I myself have had PTS and have lived that reality too. Ending up in relationships with men who were like the significant male in my life despite desperately wanting the opposite. If I could save any child from the struggles I have had to go through both as a child and adult I would as all it takes is loving them and keeping them safe. I know I bring my own emotion to my posts but I beg you to realise that you can do damage that lasts a lifetime.

At the time No I wasn't aware of this, in fact at the time I pritty much wasn't aware of anything. I was like a ghost (if thats how I can explain it) There but not, never taking anything in, and although I understand that my actions may have dire consiquencies for my daughter now, I didn't back then. Thus the reason why I am asking advise so I can minimise and hopefully stop the consiquences to me being so stupid.

Hemmy I am sorry for what you have endured and I am not dismissing your pain. What my concern is.....is that you help your daughter before it is too late. She may have PTS or PTSD or just be plain screwed up right now but you have to try and save her. You really do and I am glad you are taking her to the doctor.

I know you aren't Nicolette and to be honest I wish I was stronger back then instead of being a absolutly awful mother :doh:The fact that I know how stupid I was and know how much pain I caused her makes me feel so bad it's hindering me getting better because everytime I get a little better in my own feelings, this guilt is like a brick wall and I just keep hitting it head on all the time :wall: At times I think maybe she'd be better off without me since I messed up her life so much why would she ever bother forgiving me :think:

Hemmy xXx

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Hemmy -

I am so happy to hear that you will be taking your daughter to see your doctor - I think this is a wonderful first step. I have to say that I agree with alot of what Nicolette has said - because my abuse (or my mothers) was never acknowledge in our family either. I will say this - when your daughter says talks with you about the abuse - PLEASE do not make excuses - she needs your support, she needs to know that you understand, and are deeply sorry that all of this happened, and that this is not the way men are to treat women and children.

I spent my entire life "protecting" my mother from the truth of how severe my child abuse was at the hands of my step-dad because I saw how severely beaten she was by him. Now as an adult - I still can't discuss it with her, have never told her what really happened to me - and yes I do resent her for that. I'm sure this is not what you want for your child. I really wish for the sake of my relationship with my mother - that she had been able to see that she was not the only one affected by what happened in our home and gotten help for all of us.

I don't want your daughter to feel the same way one day. By acknowledging her pain, how horrible that was for her, and yes - the role you played in it - she will come out much stronger.

I will be thinking of both of you as you start this process.

 

[Mommy to 2]

Yes, she needs professional counseling, too. Seek out a Children's Hospital Trauma Center near you. They will know how to bring her to understand it was wrong for him to hit you both and how to help her work through it. I've been told (and I hope it's true for my own children's sake, because they got help) that it's the children who do not get help who suffer the most later in life.
Good Luck,
Mommy to 2

 

[Nicolette]

The fact that I know how stupid I was and know how much pain I caused her makes me feel so bad it's hindering me getting better because everytime I get a little better in my own feelings, this guilt is like a brick wall and I just keep hitting it head on all the time :wall:

Hemmy, you are correct this is your guilt and your issue. It is important to give your daughter what she needs now and don't let your guilt end up being another thing which causes your daughter pain. There comes a time when you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off and deal with the past. If you don't it will haunt you and your daughter for the rest of your lives.

At times I think maybe she'd be better off without me since I messed up her life so much why would she ever bother forgiving me :think:

Right now what is important is to help your daughter process her trauma and the abuse she endured and witnessed. You say you don't think your daughter understands much being almost 6 so wanting forgiveness from her may only lessen your guilt but it does nothing to help your daughter at this stage. She is trying to comprehend what happened...how can she forgive you if she doesn't understand?

I totally get what SunnyBrookFarm is saying. Perhaps a way of explaining it to you is this........You stand a greater chance with your daughter by dealing with what has happened as if you don't it will eventually tear you both apart.

 

[midi]

Many many many women stay out of fear. Fear of being murdered, fear of starving, fear of being ostracized... Don't worry about people on the outside, worry about what you've got right now. Nobody but you must work with what's left. Your daughter is young and if you deal with the issues head on, she stands a chance.

My son is older and has much less of a chance at a normal life. His scars are so deep and varied, that it has permanently affected him. He's had exposure to ill-chosen men and my constant, unchecked PTSD, inner city living, rez living, and instability. Despite it all, he's learning to validate his own experiences.

 

[becvan]

Hemel, children want to love their parents, no matter how we screw it up. They want to forgive us also, if we'll just be honest with them.

My son was also abused by a partner at a very young age. I had deluded myself into thinking that I had been effective at stopping the abuse, but it was much worse for him when I wasn't around. I left that bastard and Matt and I began to try to deal with it. I have always spoken with my son about it. We have frank talks and openly discuss what we can. (there are some things my son does not want to speak about as of yet.) The more open I was with him the less guilt I had.

I also began to learn about the cycle of violence and how that had affected me. I learned what I was doing to become continually involved in those type of relationships and how to change that. Then I taught my son the same things I was learning.

My son and I are very close now. We are a team. I would fight tooth and nail before allowing someone to hurt him or me, ever again. He knows this.

You are worth getting better and so is your daughter. You can both get better together. It's possible and very rewarding. Just move forward. Take your daughter in for help and stick with the process. Learn everything you can and share age appropriate information with your daughter.

You can both come out the other side of this. My son and I are living proof of that.

bec

 

[sigh]

First of all, Hemels, It is brave to post that you hid while your daughter was being abused. Thinking about taking her in to see a counselor shows that you're at a new step.

I, personally, would not take my daughter (I don't have one though) to see my doctor. I would find an appropriate child therapist and then, as was said, leave her be. She needs to develop HER story as SHE remembers it and just seeing you there or knowing you're waiting for her could throw her off. She's at such a young age and so fragile.


Good Luck,
Sigh

 

[Hemels]

Update For Everyone

Hi Guys :hello:

We both went to see the doctor the other day that treats my PTSD, although he did not diagnose her with PTSD (as he said she hasn't got it) to be on the safe side he has refered her to see a child therapist, so she can talk about her experiances and let it out.

As for me, I have to go back to the doctors on Wednesday to get put on different medication as I am getting more ill at the moment, although the doctor doesn't think it is my guilt with my daughter triggering it off. Hopefully my pdoc will be able to shed some light on it when I go see her and start my CBT.

Hope everyone is keeping well :smile:

Hemmy xXx

 

[Nicolette]

Good news Hemmy!

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Hemmy -

Sounds like a wonderful plan for both you and your daughter. I am so proud of you for taking that step.