Due to my ptsd outbursts and disassociating, I've made my husband feel like I don't really want to be with him. He believes that deep down I want to leave, but that could not be further from the truth. Now we're in this weird space with each other because he's not sure what he wants to do. He's really hurt and qants time to see what happens. I miss our bond & this deadness between us is triggering my fight or flight reaction, but I'm trying my hardest to hold it back. Any husbands of a ptsd sufferer have suggestions of how to win his trust back?
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Relationship Any husbands of a ptsd sufferer can offer advice?
- Post starter Songbird
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Snowflakes
Platinum Member
What works for me may not work for you but I'll share my experiences. After 10 years of being married to my wife with PTSD, I'm now at a very bad place best referred to as frustration, resignation, and sadness. If I could go back in time, I would have gotten here sooner to learn better coping skills and also have BOTH of us in counseling. Like your husband, I am hurt and have emotionally "checked out" to see what happens. My sufferers psychologist is working non-stop to give her coping skills to manage her PTSD.
In my case, my wife asked how she could win my trust back. I told her that I would like to hear more "I feel...." rather than "you did....." Its a start. Will this work for me? I don't know. If I didn't see a little flicker of hope and determination in her eyes, I'd be gone. (She did leave once but thought better of it and I didn't have the heart to leave her homeless.) I'm working with a therapist that helps me.
Will it work for you? I don't know. Probably largely depends on how bad you both want it. I'm not smart enough to have all the answers but I honestly hope you and your husband find yours.
Take care.
In my case, my wife asked how she could win my trust back. I told her that I would like to hear more "I feel...." rather than "you did....." Its a start. Will this work for me? I don't know. If I didn't see a little flicker of hope and determination in her eyes, I'd be gone. (She did leave once but thought better of it and I didn't have the heart to leave her homeless.) I'm working with a therapist that helps me.
Will it work for you? I don't know. Probably largely depends on how bad you both want it. I'm not smart enough to have all the answers but I honestly hope you and your husband find yours.
Take care.
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- #3
Thank you for responding. How long have you been at this stage with your wife? And is she doing well with it? My husband got like this after my last outburst about a month ago. I've been in therapy for 7 months and now I suggested we go together but he says he'll think about it. He's being kind, and attempts love & affection but then kind of withdraws because he said he'll start thinking of hurtful things I've said. I'm falling into a depression because I'm worried I will lose him, but he wants to see me confident instead. Do you understand his thinking?
Snowflakes
Platinum Member
I've been at this stage for about 6 months or so. It's not really "stages" but a progression best described as "being at the end of my rope."
I don't know how my wife is doing. With therapy she is learning to manage her PTSD. I have learned that I cannot change her, that she must change herself. I have noticed that her outbursts are less frequent. That may also be from me finally setting boundaries on what I will accept.
Give him time to consider couples therapy, in other words, don't nag him about it. He is emotionally wounded and needs time. He may decide to seek therapy alone for himself. That would also be a good thing.
Most importantly, take care of you because, in doing so, that will help him see a life together. I think you falling into a depression because you're worried about losing him would be counter-productive. You do not have control over what he may or may not do. You do have control over your own thoughts and actions. He did say he wants to see you confident.
Oh yes, I truly understand his thinking. I hope and pray that my wife succeeeds in her therapy.
Take care.
I don't know how my wife is doing. With therapy she is learning to manage her PTSD. I have learned that I cannot change her, that she must change herself. I have noticed that her outbursts are less frequent. That may also be from me finally setting boundaries on what I will accept.
Give him time to consider couples therapy, in other words, don't nag him about it. He is emotionally wounded and needs time. He may decide to seek therapy alone for himself. That would also be a good thing.
Most importantly, take care of you because, in doing so, that will help him see a life together. I think you falling into a depression because you're worried about losing him would be counter-productive. You do not have control over what he may or may not do. You do have control over your own thoughts and actions. He did say he wants to see you confident.
Oh yes, I truly understand his thinking. I hope and pray that my wife succeeeds in her therapy.
Take care.
I can relate to feeling the way your husband does. My SO says things during his outbursts that hurt, and when the outbursts are more frequent, it gives me less time to "get over it". How are things post-outburst for y'all? Is there any discussion of what happened or what was said? Is there an apology or explanation? My SO has never been typically affectionate, which I accept, but when I hear mean things during an outburst, it does a world of difference to hear some nice things too.
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- #6
Im sorry you're going through this as well. Usually after an outburst, he'll give me hours long speeches and zero time to collect myself. He's tried to force me to talk and I simply cannot. I've told him plenty of times to give me my space but that's a hard thing for him to do. So I just shut down completely. I've apologized for things after some time but because I feel so forced, it's often not natural. However, I would let him know after I've calmed down that I do love him and want to be with him and didn't mean what I said.
Hour long speeches and zero time to collect yourself sounds like it's not helping anything. I'm sorry he can't understand how important your need for space afterward is. I personally can get clingy after all of the things he says about not wanting to be with me, the relationship being a lie, etc. but what has helped me is when he can say something like "I'm in a bad mood" or "I need a minute to calm down". We also have a code word for when he feels an escalation coming on. If I can get a straightforward statement (when he is in the right mindset to be able to articulate it), it can sometimes help me prepare for the outburst and not react. Respond, not react to outbursts is what I remind myself. Sounds like maybe y'all could benefit from a conversation about how important your need for space when escalated is -- it's really better for him if he can give you space anyway because then he may have to hear less of the lashing out, right?
On a more personal note -- I feel like I force apologies out of my SO after an outburst. If you don't mind me asking, do you feel forced because it's too soon to offer a sincere apology? Or because you don't feel like an apology is warranted?
On a more personal note -- I feel like I force apologies out of my SO after an outburst. If you don't mind me asking, do you feel forced because it's too soon to offer a sincere apology? Or because you don't feel like an apology is warranted?
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
How is he with understanding PTSD and the issues that go along with it? If not already, and if possible, I would advise therapy together and then individual for each of you. My therapist allowed me to bring my "suppporer" in so this can happen with just one therapist but it helps a ton! Just in my experience, a supporter seems to accept info if given by a therapist then just by me. Or even by a book.
Also, there are a few good books that help.
For my own explosions, it helped that they knew it was about my anxiety at the time, not about them. But, I sort of had to do damage control after as well.
Hopes this helps some.
Also, there are a few good books that help.
For my own explosions, it helped that they knew it was about my anxiety at the time, not about them. But, I sort of had to do damage control after as well.
Hopes this helps some.
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- #9
Yes it definitely feels too soon. He demands it immediately most times and I hadnt had time to collect myself. He went with me to one of my therapy sessions once, and my therapist spoke to us about giving me time and using some kind of code. The plan didn't stick because it just wasn't enough therapy. He didn't fully grasp things and would often repeat what happened at therapy and misinterpret it. He also always reminds me u me every f*ck up I've had recently, or that he's been dealing with my shit for 5 years. I think my husband has terrible coping skills but he thinks he's fine and I'm the problem. I admit Ive been difficult, but I've always let him know I love him and want him once I'm back to myself. I go to therapy, and I'm always making progress. I wish he'd see how important it is for him to get help too and how much it would actually help.
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- #10
Check my last response to TiredTexan about the therapy. He tells me he's been known about PTSD and what I struggle with. Basically he doesn't think a therapist could help him with anymore than what he knows. I think if he really wanted it to work, he'd be going to couples and maybe individual therapy but I think the idea of having to do that upsets him. So I walk it alone.
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
That's a big issue.
As a supporter, it's always a good reminder for me to hear from the other side of things, so thanks for sharing @Songbird. For what it's worth, I think it is completely fair of you to want him to look into therapy options (individual or couple's) too. I'm in individual and it has helped me to have someone I can vent to or obsess over the latest outburst with without risking another argument.
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