Ex-t emailing me distressing things...do i tell current t?

[lostforgottensoul]

@chaotic harmony, therapists can be busy people. I know its hard to see that he has other patients (or at least it is for me many times) probably many like yourself, fighting for days. It can be hard to promise 2 days a week, every week, to one person. My personal therapist gets book for 2 soild months. I make 2 months of appmts (making appmts just like any other dr), 2 months in advance but even then some days are hard to get and he has canceled for vacations, family emergencies, and once for another patient that was in a critical state. Though they don't do emgencies there, he was seeing a patient through the process of an inpatient stay. He's been late taking me in due to other patents as well. New patients he sees the first appmt an entire hour which can mean he is late coming to get me and he has been held up on calls. Etc.

I understand that what you are going through is very hard and probably feels impossible, especially without a therapist but I am just gentley (or trying to be gentle) advising that, though your therapist sounds much more of a private practice and my therapist is in a group, there are still other patients. None more imporant then you are but one may have a much more critical mental state at the moment. You never know what his other patients are going through, you know? Its not about importance. Think of an ER Dr organizing most critical to least critical. It sounds like that to me.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know the pain that comes from making assumptions about being unimportant!!! It feels sooooooo true but it isn't! You're super awesome and deserving of time and support and compassionate care. Honestly I would email. I mean, I know it's funny cause my own email to my therapist didn't go as I planned but it's still nice to let your t know stuff! And you can let it all out in writing. Tell him you're pissed and that you feel he doesn't care. It may help the relationship. So much love to you! And know you have us as well! We will help get you through it!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Tell him you're pissed and that you feel he doesn't care. It may help the relationship.

I sooo agree! I can't email my therapist but I have screamed at him with more rage aimed at him then I have at anyone, ever! And man did he turn that into such a therapy moment and today I am free to feel anyway I need to in therapy and do whatever I need to do due to that feeling, I am free to. It was a trust building oppurtunity for sure because of how he handled that much vulnerabilty, I guess.

Email him how you feel! I agree with that 100%!

 

[chaotic harmony]

There are some really good threads here on cognitive distortions. (Because that's probably a cognitive distortion.)

Yes, I admitted it was my brain: (I know my brain is stupid.)

I know it's just my stupid brain, but now I'm feeling just pushed aside and not worthy of his time.

But the thing is...he didn't ask me. If he had asked me it wouldn't be so upsetting. He knew all about this major thing that happened and that alone should have made him know without a doubt that I needed my Friday. Honestly...he should have had me come in 3x this week.

I actually, and this is very unlike me, find it easier to say things to him in person. (I never could with my female Ts!) I told him that I was not doing well and I was upset. That's why the nonchalantness was aggravating. I felt like he was dismissing how much I was hurt.

I'm not going to email because it won't change anything. He won't find time for me. I'll feel better tomorrow I'm sure...it's just rough right now.

I didn't see your post as critical at all! I thank you for it! I don't always...ok most of the time...see things from every angle and I appreciate the feedback!

 

[scout86]

(I know my brain is stupid.)

You keep saying that. I'm not sure it's 'stupid' at all. It might, now and then, let the PTSD take it for a ride, but it doesn't seem stupid to me. Maybe 'uncooperative'?

 

[chaotic harmony]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know the pain that comes from making assumptions about being unimportant!!! It feels sooooooo true but it isn't! You're super awesome and deserving of time and support and compassionate care. Honestly I would email. I mean, I know it's funny cause my own email to my therapist didn't go as I planned but it's still nice to let your t know stuff! And you can let it all out in writing. Tell him you're pissed and that you feel he doesn't care. It may help the relationship. So much love to you! And know you have us as well! We will help get you through it!

Thank you SO MUCH!! I really needed this right now! BTW, I am SO proud of you for not reacting to your Ts email! And she does not hate you!! I have a response ready to go on your thread so I'll just leave it like this here.

I sooo agree! I can't email my therapist but I have screamed at him with more rage aimed at him then I have at anyone, ever! And man did he turn that into such a therapy moment and today I am free to feel anyway I need to in therapy and do whatever I need to do due to that feeling, I am free to. It was a trust building oppurtunity for sure because of how he handled that much vulnerabilty, I guess.

Email him how you feel! I agree with that 100%!

Know what's crazy? I have never yelled at anyone in my entire life! I have been told that I don't even "feel" anger correctly. I was brought up to only have happy feelings and to never cry. Sometimes I wish I could stand up for myself and scream at the top of my lungs!! Thank you for helping me!

 

[chaotic harmony]

You keep saying that. I'm not sure it's 'stupid' at all. It might, now and then, let the PTSD take it for a ride, but it doesn't seem stupid to me. Maybe 'uncooperative'?

Yes, thank you! That is a much better word. I'm still learning feelings/emotions and I often can't identify things correctly. My T has me write down what I think I'm feeling each day and why, then he goes over it with me and he explains if it's correct or if another word is more appropriate. He really is a fantastic guy, I like him a lot. I'm just having an abandonment moment. *sigh*

 

[Muttly]

But the thing is...he didn't ask me. If he had asked me it wouldn't be so upsetting. He knew all about this major thing that happened and that alone should have made him know without a doubt that I needed my Friday. Honestly...he should have had me come in 3x this week.

The thing is, you don't know why he canceled. It may be something out of his control. Court appearance or a sick family member's doctor appointment or a dying client. I actually had a T cancel on me because her client was dying. She told me that which was awkward in it's own right. I mean, it told me there was a solid reason for canceling but then I felt sort of like anything I could bring up to her when I saw her would be insignificant.

What the email might change, is the feelings that your not important or that he was being nonchalant. He may think he's walking a careful line of keeping privacy or feeling bad about canceling and not wanting to show it or something else. You don't know.

And I agree, your brain isn't stupid. It might be a bit fired up, which is understanding. Your old T is harassing you and your new T is unavailable. That is enough right there.

 

[chaotic harmony]

The thing is, you don't know why he canceled. It may be something out of his control. Court appearance or a sick family member's doctor appointment or a dying client. I actually had a T cancel on me because her client was dying. She told me that which was awkward in it's own right. I mean, it told me there was a solid reason for canceling but then I felt sort of like anything I could bring up to her when I saw her would be insignificant.

He didn't cancel...he just replaced me. It was not out of his control...there are no sick family members or court. He told me that he gave someone else my time. He's great with boundaries (thank goodness!) but he would have told me if it was an emergency. And I don't think he would have the same emergency two weeks in a row during my time but be fine the rest of the day...ya know? :confused:

 

[UnicornSightings]

Dude ask him what he replaced you! That's not cool. My first t would call me to see if someone else could have my spot!!!! Like wtf!!! At the time I was very timid and had no self-respect so said sure. She was awful in so many ways.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Know what's crazy? I have never yelled at anyone in my entire life! I have been told that I don't even "feel" anger correctly. I was brought up to only have happy feelings and to never cry. Sometimes I wish I could stand up for myself and scream at the top of my lungs!! Thank you for helping me!

Not crazy at all. I don't cry. So, not crazy at all. Rage is my go to emotion. I think most are meant to be tears that I cannot allow myself to have yet.

 

[joeylittle]

Trying to mind-read your T's motivations is not going to get you anywhere. What you perceived as nonchalance may well not be that; you'll only know when you ask him. He does not owe you any explanation of why he switched that time to another client - in fact, he would not be legally allowed to tell you if he is choosing to give that time to someone in more immediate need than you.

I do hear you about being rattled, though. I would be rattled as well.

I would either email him and tell him that you are severely shaken by the last-minute cancellation, given what is going on in your life, and you want to re-affirm that if he could find space for you to have another session this week, you'd appreciate it.

Or, accept that this rattling event occurred, make plans for how to support yourself til next tuesday, and turn your mind away from stewing on how he has either let you down or blown you off.

Then, I'd still follow through with the investigator about blocking the old T;s emails.