Ex-t emailing me distressing things...do i tell current t?

[Suzetig]

When I said "more realistic" I wasn't meaning about having two sessions a week - lots of people do that. I meant him saying that he would always be available to you at those times and that any change would be driven by you. That's unrealistic because it discounts stuff that inevitable happens both personally and professionally for Ts which means they might not be there.

For example, had he said "I'll set these times aside for you and as much as possible I won't change your schedule but from time to time I might need to move your session" you may not have been happy and may have wanted him to make a cast iron commitment, but you wouldn't be feeling lied to.

 

[chaotic harmony]

I seem to have completely missed this somehow...

None more imporant then you are but one may have a much more critical mental state at the moment. You never know what his other patients are going through, you know? Its not about importance. Think of an ER Dr organizing most critical to least critical. It sounds like that to me.

You're right, I don't know what his other clients are going through, but unless one of them experienced extreme torture last weekend, or they are dying, they aren't more critical than I am. And if someone did experience what I did, he should have bumped someone else, not me.

It's not hard to have standing appointments for clients each week. It's really not. When a T has a full schedule, they just don't take on anyone new. They don't sacrifice their current clients to add new people in. My T is private practice and he has complete control over his schedule. I'm not saying he sacrificed me per se, but something definitely went wrong. I won't know exactly what until next week.

 

[chaotic harmony]

For example, had he said "I'll set these times aside for you and as much as possible I won't change your schedule but from time to time I might need to move your session" you may not have been happy and may have wanted him to make a cast iron commitment, but you wouldn't be feeling lied to.

I think I may be coming off as a complete bitch here. I know you can't tell tone through writing. I completely understand that things come up. I do. I get it. I have NO problem when that happens, such as last week and the holiday schedule. I have never been upset when I've been asked to change times or days. I'm upset because I wasn't asked, nor did he tell me until I was about to walk out the door on Tuesday. I don't feel I'm being lied to...I'm sorry if I gave that impression. He didn't lie to me about anything...he just replaced me for some reason. Whether it be a miscommunication about me being ok with no Friday last week, or something entirely different I don't know yet. I'm just unhappy about the way it came about because I feel some sort of abandonment and that I'm not as important as the person he gave my time to.

 

[StellaBlue]

I've seen my therapist on and off for about 6 years, with this last run being about 2 1/2 years. Typically, we have a set scheduled time (as @chaotic harmony has described). Early last year, however, because of my schedule, we had to flex around a bit. Now, my guy is not terribly organized and he self schedules and I honestly think he works best if everyone has a set time. Within a period of 2 months, he double-booked me with another client; he cancelled twice and finally, he totally spaced our appointment.

I mentioned my distress with the cancellations and the double-booking but then "let them go" (at least superficially) but the missed appointment - whoa. There were awakened abandonment issues, there were awakened attachment issues, there were awakened transference issues...and while he was apologetic and offered me 1/2 off my next session, it all felt too non-nonchalant to me. I was so hurt and so angry and so...

My between therapy communication method of choice is my therapists' answering machine - and after the amount of time we've been together, he is well aware that I process things on his machine until I'm ready to do it in person. Unfortunately, his machine has a time limit of about 2-3 minutes. I must have left him 20 messages walking through every feeling I had...until I reached my decision that his screw up did not negate the benefits I got from seeing him - and I was ready to discuss all of this, first by phone, then in person.

What I'm trying to say with this example is this: your feelings are valid. If he promised you a set time and gave it to someone else (and how you would know that he gave this time to someone else is another issue in my mind) - then he screwed up. If he can't understand that, for clients with attachment issues (and, from what you've written - a history with inconsistent, unhinged therapists), this sort of behavior could be extremely damaging, then he's not as experienced as you (or he) thought he was.

I think what others are trying to point out (and what I'm going to repeat) - what is it that you need to move forward? If this rupture crosses your line, do you need to terminate with him? Or do you think you can work through this? As others have said - what would that look like? Beyond the present "dick move" on his part (and I think it is a dick move) - what else is this triggering? Can you work with this? Can you work with him with this? Do you want to? (I had a therapist that screwed up very badly very early in our work together and decided that while I could work through it with him, I didn't want to spend 6 months on that kind of work at that time). This could be a really good opportunity for you to look at some of this. This is your therapy - your decision.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @scout86, @StellaBlue, and @chaotic harmony for explaining the way your scheduling works. I have never heard of a therapist scheduling this way. I assumed even private practice had a schedule that they wrote people into, therefore, scheduling dates & times rather then days and times therefore, after the last date, you have no more appointments until you make more. It's an intresting way to schedule.

I won't know exactly what until next week.

This is correct. But, until then, you can practice reframing this.

Your feelings are all super vaild and should be emailed to him. But, you are also allowing your last therapist to prove herself right when she isn't. And this is exactly why she said what she said. To make you doubt your current therapist. And now, that is exactly what you are doing. Maybe he just f*cked up. You won't know until next week so I'd practice reframing this.

Just 2 cents.

 

[scout86]

My current T has never checked in

Mine doesn't do this either. We've never talked about it, but I've taken it that it's my responsibility to check in with him when I need to. This is kind of a challenge, because I sort of have a 'thing' about asking for help. It's a chance to work on that. He encourages me to email, which I do, but not always as much as he'd like. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn't. When he doesn't, he frequently mentioned something that gives me a clue that he's read it.

There have been a couple of times when he's asked me to reschedule at the last minute. Once it was because he was trying to find inpatient placement for a kid who was actively suicidal. Once it was because a long term client, who lives out of town and checks in with him a couple times a year happened to be in town and he wanted to fit them in, but they hadn't given him much notice. When I thought about it, I was cool with that. Seems like if he'd go the extra mile for them, he'd probably do it for me too, if I needed him to. (And, he HAS gone above and beyond what I expected more than once.)

 

[chaotic harmony]

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts.

I think what others are trying to point out (and what I'm going to repeat) - what is it that you need to move forward? If this rupture crosses your line, do you need to terminate with him? Or do you think you can work through this?

I have no plans to terminate with him at all. Like I said, he has helped me more than all my previous therapy hours combined. I'm just hurting right now. I'm not angry. To move forward I just need him to tell me how/why this happened, and I know he will. He encourages questions, feedback and my honest thoughts even if they are negative. Is this a rupture? I'm not honestly not sure. Can you tell me what constitutes a rupture? Is it a fight/disagreement? (Sorry for all the questions, I'm trying to learn) I'm trying to get used to being in a HEALTHY therapeutic relationship. I'm learning a lot about how "normal" therapy works, i.e., him not using me for money, him not calling/texting me at all hours, him not asking me to come to his house to cook his Thanksgiving dinner. He's teaching me that not everyone in this world will use me.

Your feelings are all super vaild and should be emailed to him. But, you are also allowing your last therapist to prove herself right when she isn't. And this is exactly why she said what she said. To make you doubt your current therapist.

You are absolutely correct. I did get those seeds of doubt planted into my brain. My rational side knows I have no reason to doubt him at all. It's just hard to see through that when you're hurting. I'm working on trusting him...I'm really trying...it's just not easy because of my past. (I know you all get this!) My heart knows he's not the bad guy, my brain just needs to get in sync with it! I did tell him how I was feeling yesterday on the phone. He knows I'm upset and hurting. I did forward him the emails from crazy T this morning, but I told him he didn't have to reply so he hasn't.

Mine doesn't do this either. We've never talked about it, but I've taken it that it's my responsibility to check in with him when I need to. This is kind of a challenge, because I sort of have a 'thing' about asking for help.

I have that exact same 'thing'. I was taught that you don't ask for help...you do everything for yourself and if you fail at being strong, you're worthless. I do think it's my responsibility to check in too...I just don't. Crazy T told me that I would resent any T that doesn't check in, but I know that to be 100% false. After reading so many threads here I have come to understand that a T checking in is not the norm...I just didn't know any better. I certainly don't resent him.

It just sucks that I have to wait an entire week to have this resolved.

 

[Rumors]

I have a set day and time each week with my therapist. I would be disappointed if she gave that time away without asking especially for two weeks without another available appointment. I don't think it is unreasonable to let your t know the impact this had on you. You obviously had lots of people that made promises in your life that didn't follow through and it left you very raw on the subject. You use the word promise in a manner that speaks volumes to the importance of your therapeutic relationship and depend on its regularity. That is exactly what you should feel in order to move forward. I hope you are able to discuss this with him in a manner that you can accurately get your feelings across. I am really sorry! I feel your pain as I would be upset too. Give yourself some time to explore the people in your life that have let you down and left you feeling raw and vulnerable and left you scarred. It pisses me off for you... so sorry...

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I completely understand your feeling upset about having your appt given away. This is especially upsetting given your trauma past and recent trauma with Crazy T. Her manipulative lies have planted seeds of doubt in your brain, but also anybody would be upset regarding having their appt given away.
I am not sure what his thinking was, if he misunderstood you or if he made a mistake. I do hope that you can resolve this and move forward with him. I am proud of you for sticking to your feelings and reactions because this to me shows strength, that you are standing up for your worthiness for attention and for help. This is great especially in the face of being abused by a mental health care provider (crazy t).
If it were me, I would use my wise mind, (DBT skill) to assess if this new T truly is the best fit for me. This is tricky because of the manipulations Crazy T has planted in your psyche and also the desperation you are feeling to even consider shopping around for the right T. You are likely feeling so scared and in desperate need for support. I get that. But there is still the possibility of this T not being exactly what you need. I tend to feel the best when working with a trauma focused doctor and a woman who has been in practice for a while. I also look for a psyd and emdr experience. I feel you have to be picky even when you are scared and desperate.
Having said that I am eager to hear how it goes with him. I have experienced the healing power of working out issues in the theraputic relationship and he may be the right T for you. If he shows care and concern and you feel heard and safe then he is the right T. I think you need a T who will follow through and keep very clear and consistent boundaries.

 

[GWhizz]

My previous T worked around my schedule but my current one tries to offer me a consistent slot same time and day every week. I often have to change because of my schedule which actually throws her off because she then has to ask a client in a set slot to move for me. I always feel so inconvenient. But she only works 3 days a week 9-5 while I work all week 9-5. I would be pissed if she gave my slot away without discussing it prior. In fact she knows I'm not even flexible enough to be the one to move! I totally see your frustrations which are justified imo given everything.

Maybe I'm not as good with boundaries as you are but I would be emailing him about the things he has appeared dismissive of whether it's merely your interpretation or more.

When you are seeing him during the other weekly session, are you getting to work on all of the distressing issues going on for you right now? I feel like this whole scheduling issue has completely distracted from your greater immediate concerns.

 

[chaotic harmony]

Thank you for these thoughtful posts! :happy: I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm just keeping myself immersed in my art...that helps me to remain calm. *insert art emoji here*

I hope you are able to discuss this with him in a manner that you can accurately get your feelings across. I am really sorry! I feel your pain as I would be upset too. Give yourself some time to explore the people in your life that have let you down and left you feeling raw and vulnerable and left you scarred. It pisses me off for you... so sorry...

I'm sure we will have a very calm talk about it, and I'm looking forward to it. Neither of my previous Ts would let me talk without interrupting me, he is the exact opposite. He is SO soft spoken and I have tremendously annoying tinnitus, so I am frequently asking "What?" lol His calm demeanor is rather comforting. I'm not a screamer/crier so I expect it will go quite smoothly. Thank you very much for the idea of exploring the people who have let me down. I did that while painting today after seeing your post earlier. I connected a lot of dots. It really helped me to realize that I never have had a conversation with anyone who I felt had let me before. I never felt safe enough to...and I feel safe to talk to him about it. It kind of warmed my heart. Does that make sense?

If it were me, I would use my wise mind, (DBT skill) to assess if this new T truly is the best fit for me.

I honestly have no idea about DBT skills. I've never had a DBT focused T...they have all been CBT. Is there a big difference? Even though I've been in therapy for 4 years, I'm still quite a newbie. My first T never explored my trauma with me (she kind of used me as her guinea pig), and my second T...well...yeah you can imagine how little actual therapy I got from her. This T is the only one who has been focused on me. I'm still trying to get used to it. I think we are a great fit. He is always doing CE hours in trauma and he's just a great cheerleader.

Maybe I'm not as good with boundaries as you are but I would be emailing him about the things he has appeared dismissive of whether it's merely your interpretation or more.

I wish I could do that! In the email I sent yesterday that included Crazy T emails, I made sure to say that I was still extremely upset about Friday but I told him that he didn't have to reply, so he hasn't and now I'm regretting that. I have only emailed him twice in the 5 months we've been together, and only called once (Tuesday). I feel bad for people that have to be exposed to me a lot, so I like to give him breaks!

When you are seeing him during the other weekly session, are you getting to work on all of the distressing issues going on for you right now? I feel like this whole scheduling issue has completely distracted from your greater immediate concerns.

Oh yes. We do a lot of great work. We are only 5 months in so it's not deep trauma work yet...but I always leave feeling much better and that I have accomplished something. I never felt that way with either of my previous Ts. I always left them feeling terrible and completely frustrated. I don't want to spend much time on this schedule fiasco next week since I only have one appointment. I'm going to tell him how I feel, listen to his side and then move forward. 7 minutes maximum. I'm going to set a timer!

 

[scout86]

I feel bad for people that have to be exposed to me a lot, so I like to give him breaks!

I said something like that to my T once. He smiled, thanked me for the thought, and went on to say he was quite capable of looking out for himself, so not to worry about it.