Close To Kicking Someone's Head In...

[Virtues]

Wagon, there's no offense taken, you're right. I have absolutely no idea how to handle this, and it scares me that I don't have control over myself. For the first time in my military career I have lost all baring, control over my emotions, and self discipline, and I am scared to death.

I am seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I recognize I have a problem, but beyond that I have absolutely no idea what I'm dealing with. I take my appointments very serious, but I don't feel like they're helping. Either that, or this is one of those things that has to get worse before it gets better? My psychologist keeps telling me I need to create a support network, but I have no one.

That's what brought me here. I guess I'm looking for answers. I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm failing at dealing with this, and yet every time I walk into the clinic I can't help but feel like a lab rat; like they know all the right answers to get me through this maze, but are watching me squirm, while they jot down their findings on their clipboards. Consciously I know my perception is convoluted, but I can't help but feel that way.

Every ounce of me just want's to be back over their. I meant no offense to anyone here. I actually just bounced out of work, because I couldn't take being there any more. I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving. When I got home I went for a run until my lungs felt like they were going to pop. I was praying that I would be tired enough to relax, it just didn't happen.

Maybe these thoughts would best be kept under lock and key.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Florian,

You said. "Maybe these thoughts would best be kept under lock and key". That's not gonna happen my Brother. You can't hide them, and they're not going to go away. But. here's the up side. You can learn how to find a way past them, and get to a better place.

Wagon is right about the 123s. That's part of Cognitive Process Therapy. The particular program I went through took months, and was a son-of-a-bitch. During the session in the fifth week I broke down and cried like a baby as I verbalized the worst of my combat experiences. That afternoon and the following day I was a basket case, not capable of anything productrive.

Let me add at the risk of sounding self-serving, I am one tough old grunt who never backed down from anything. But, that adds to the problem. Guys like us are too tough. And, if you spend the rest of your life doing nothing but kicking ass you're gonna miss nearly everything else life has to offer.

This whole thing is gonna take time. You have to make it your highest priority. I've been dealing with the Dragon sinse I returned in late 1967. And guess what, I'm back in therapy at the local Vet. Center again. I've had to admit that I survived the beast by becoming the beast.

There is no way I can avoid the monster inside. And, I don't want to in a world that I'll never trust or understand. That old Dragon saved my life, and he's as much a part of me as the guy who makes pancakes for his grandkids.

I believe you see how difficult this problem is. Because ot that degree of difficulty you're gonna fail even after you make progress. Don't look back at the failures, and don't look ahead anticipating success. Stay in the moment, and ride out each and every storm. When things settle down (and they always do) start looking for all the best parts of life you buried in those killing fields in order to survive. They're still there. I SWEAR, THEY'RE STILL THERE.

SD

 

[Spock]

Hey Florian...just glad you're still sharing. We'll keep acting as a remote group therapy for you, with gentle & hard advice. As Wagon noted, you're at square one, which I remember well since you kinda described me 24 months ago. My retirement was already approved and in my paranoid mind I was in a war with HQs and my chain of command who were trying to mess with me until the bitter end while I was simply trying to seek more and better treatment. Hell, I was pissed at my some of my docs! They were full of shit mostly but I had a couple I could count on. Now I know, what reality was didn't matter then, what mattered was I needed to focus on getting better and ensuring I could be there for my family once I started learning to cope better. So, first try to get the hell outta your brain, don't dwell, just move forward. Not easy.

Back then, every day my commute was a chaotic combat convoy in & and out of DC and I was in a very reckless mood. Hell, I even had a tree fall on my car! It was a war zone and I was alone, no weapon, no armor, no team, nothing but threats. Eventually I started to break. To distract myself from trying to fight everyone, I thought were deliberately messin' with me, I started looking for the best place to drive into a tree. Eventually, I tried to smother my anger with utter depression as a rookie effort to cope and avoid hurting others, so I hurt myself.

I ended up in the ER which helped me get into an outpatient program. I was very clear with my Doc that if I was forced to return to work in the Pentagon I was going to beat the shit out of an ignorant senior executive bureaucrat I decided was first on my list for payback. That would've got me a court martial & dishonorable discharge after 30 yrs of service. Everything destroyed in a matter of weeks just because I served my country in combat. Is it worth it?

Back to square one: You're responding to your lizard brain's paranoid perceptions reacting as if you're still in combat. In combat that kept you alive. Now, it will get you to screw yourself over. Fargo indicated how unpleasant that will be.

Before the beast, depending on our personality, in our non-combat life, we'd amp-up our adrenaline from say 30 to 75% in a minute or longer as things got intense. I was more a laid back dude before OIF so for me, being a defensive driver during commute was maybe 20-60% but my road rage wasn't focused on individuals. After OIF, our cup is already more full and we have less room to cope. We start higher on the scale because combat permanently changed, engaged or hyped our lizard brain and we spin-up instantaneously, say from 50-100% in a second. So, for me, I was already double what I had been before OIF.

Some days you're likely so pissed knowing what the day holds, you start at 80% walking out the door already screwed. You might feel at your wits end, over 100%, too frequently now. So you need to know you're amped, acknowledge you're going to react and get in front of what will trigger you to PING! After that, you'll still have to deal with the ping and bring yourself down in damage control mode. Use your military training brother, plan, make a checklist, write it out like SD suggested.

1) Avoid stuff that will piss you off as much as possible. I almost never drive during commute traffic now. But when I do, I do it prepared: knowing the hot spots of my route, having my brain distracted, relaxed on my favorite mellow tunes, and trying to prevent myself from judging each driver (or your faded chevron guy) I think is messing with me on purpose (let it go as stupid, arrogant or unaware). Other drivers are only your problem if you decide to make it your problem. We all know how many people are poor drivers so acknowledge that fact and move on with YOUR mission, don't get caught in their messed up existence.

2) Try to start out as low on the adrenaline scale as possible. This is where the Beast owns us pretty much but with practice you'll start to know that bastard better and even outflank it more often. On good days you might even get to flip that beast off once you know its common tactics.

3) When you're PINGED, again the beast (lizard brain in this case) is pretty much in control and you'll ping hot and hard pretty much every time, which is why I suggest you try to avoid the Ping as much as you can by knowing what will trigger it. What you can do is start to bring yourself down better, faster and not dwell at 100% as long. This is learning to COPE, knowing & using multiple methods if possible to return to your start point. You'll never stop it because you're hyper alert and ready to react, so the sooner you get used to that fact the faster you'll be able to recover depending on what triggered you.

4) Take control of your medical treatment. Learn to understand your issues better than your doc so some dude doesn't turn you into their Frankenstein. Develop a medical treatment plan and tell them what you want. Write it up on letterhead and signed by your doc to present to your commander. Make mandatory PT, counseling and therapy part of it. Same with Line of Duty paperwork to document your combat injury(ies). If your doc is not working with you, fire their ass and get a new one. Let your medical team cover you and fight the system as much as possible so you're less exposed to military personnel section incompetence and chain of command ego.

5) You should try getting into group therapy and an outpatient program. I think you said you're already hooked up with the Wounded Warrior (WTU). Your mission now is to get better, so focus on your treatment as your first priority. You have legit combat wounds. You're sick! Demand the military medical system respond to you in every way you deserve. You need to decide if you want to stay in or get out. If you're meeting a Med Board than you need to develop your file as you want it to be, as you know it to be. It should document all possible combat wounds and service related issues. You must highlight every possible thing you're dealing with to include the smallest issues, that linger, such as a sore muscle or joint pain, you no longer acknowledge because the beast has you pinging on the major issues. Check into a sleep study if you haven't already.

Keep purging yourself and ranting on here brother.

Stay safe, stay strong

 

[Virtues]

WWBN Recovery Care Coordinator asked me if I wanted to go to an inpatient facility. I want to go, my wife wants me to go, but I know it's all she wrote for my career once I make this move, and I know I'm going to get static from my command. Spock, that's a great idea about coming up with my own recovery plan and giving it to my command, I'm going to sit down with my PCM and psychologist and do this. It may not be anything different then what I'm doing right now, but it will be tangible proof that I am giving 110% towards my own recovery. I can use this if I have to face a MedBoard. Plus it will give me a map to follow with way points. I don't know why this isn't something that was done immediately. This is about the best idea I've gotten so far. Thank you.

 

[Wagon]

Thats good news Florian. They are giving you choices and you are taking that bastard Beast by the horns.

Now don't push too hard. It's natural to do that.

I had this delusion once that I was just going to walk back into my career and Viola!!! Everything would be back on again. That does not happen....rarely happens.

But life will present itself in a much more manageable setting once you get your brain around it.

I know the advice may seem wierd here at times because it swings between "Harden the f*ck up" to "Ok take it easy on yourself" and then "Ok toughen up again" But that is the dance we all enjoy. Keeping ones self out of the pity party while trying not to destroy ones self with overload. There is a balance there somewhere.

Hang Tough.....and relaxed.
Wagon

 

[Spock]

Good stuff...I had my WW Car Manager sign after my Doctor. They can endorse and you sign, whatever they're comfortable with to get them to sign it. Even better have then WWBN present it to your unit. It will also document how much you need away from command and in treatment. Also, they should get the hint to back the hell off you.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

About your comment, "........ but I know it's all she wrote for my career once I make this move, and I know I'm going to get static from my command". Good leadership and the warrior members of your command will understand. Bad leadership doesn't deserve consideration.

But, all that must take a back seat to your treatment. We've all said it in our own way. If you don't give this problem all the attention it requires it will tear you and your family apart.

You have served your nation at a huge cost to yourself and those you love. It's now time to serve yourself. YOU EARNED IT!!!!!!!!

SD

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

I have to add something about leadership. It's a huge part of why I'm still in therapy after all these years.

I was an NCO, and issued orders regularly. Men died carrying out my orders. They died covering my back. Those men were my responsibliliy.

Now, there was nothing wrong with the orders I gave. I know because I've gone over them on countless nights as I tried to answer questions that have no answers.

Without the skills I've aquired through therapy I'm sure I'd have lost my mind. I give myself credit for being tough, intelligent and resourceful. But, there is no way I'd could have coped with survival guilt without help.

SD

 

[Spock]

About your comment, "........ but I know it's all she wrote for my career once I make this move, and I know I'm going to get static from my command". Good leadership and the warrior members of your command will understand. Bad leadership doesn't deserve consideration.

But, all that must take a back seat to your treatment. We've all said it in our own way. If you don't give this problem all the attention it requires it will tear you and your family apart.

You have served your nation at a huge cost to yourself and those you love. It's now time to serve yourself. YOU EARNED IT!!!!!!!!

SD

Spot On!!! Both SD & Ba, listen keenly to our Nam vets when it comes to long-term cost. This is why we're pressing you now, as Wagon noted, so you can hopefully get in front of this better than some of us did before falling victim to the high % and probability of so many negative outcomes.

 

[Spock]

...but I know it's all she wrote for my career once I make this move, and I know I'm going to get static from my command. Spock, that's a great idea about coming up with my own recovery plan and giving it to my command, ...

I wanted to address the kiss my career good bye thing as well. That is what the MED Board will decide not anything you take to improve your treatment options, especially Inpatient care. There are amputees still in service and SOCOM tries to work a program with the premise of returning highly skilled techs back into service and they know many of them will get bitten by the beast with their mission set. It is a matter of funds to the Service, an investment of a human weapon system. Sadly it comes down to accounting and bookheads.

You command has a different priority for you and simply does not have the skill to understand your issues, that is what medical & WWBN is for. Commands were getting more people killed AFTER combat because of this which is why Congress (2008/9?) forced the Services to address it and Service WW programs were created. Much of that remains window dressing so they can push slanted numbers up to Congress to keep them off their back. They're most focused on Congress than service members so forget your command, just be keen how you work them.

1) In/Out Patient Program a Must:
In your current wounded state, your recovery and treatment should be priority over everything!!! I can't emphasize that enough, if you can get the service to put you into a FT treatment program (which is FREE now) you're doing yourself, your family and your future a HUGE favor!!! There is no better option! You need to learn more about your problems, focus on them and most importantly explore as many coping skills as they can throw at you so you can determine what works best for you in different situations. This is also how you get smarter than your Docs and can better know how to use them to manage your care yourself. It will also get you away from work, or any other toxic situation and document your status for the chain of command and MedBoard. This is the best way to build your "service-related" injury file quickly for your MedBoard and later for the VA.

Again, your mission is to take care of yourself first. During this process you can figure out, by working with the WWBN, how and if you can, should remain on AD.

2) Military Career; sort it out as you get your head clear/later:
The Service looks at you as BROKEN and they're required to FIX you to perform within your specialty so they assess that cost via the MedBoard. With a drawdown coming it is unlikely you will change specialties, but maybe? So, if they can't fix you than you're given a rating and discharged. (Make sure it is an Honorable Discharge--get treatment and stop assaulting people!) The hard fact is to them, it is mostly a money issue and there are a bunch of people that look at us as equipment/a weapon system to be discarded as quickly as possible to minimize cost. So, for far too many, they might try to fix you and then after a point they just try to discard you. They need to pretend (show) they've fixed as many of your issues as possible, because they're required to by law. Then they can minimize your ratings to reduce the cost to the Service so they retain more funds for more weapon systems to do their primary mission. Broken vets are not a priority for funding to the book keepers. They'd rather you go fight the VA for most of your disability.

So, fight them for the highest, proper rating but most folks give in because it is an unhealthy drama filled, frustrating game after awhile. Plus Service ratings via a MedBoard place a lot of recurring requirements on you to prove you're still broken. Their game is to force you to pretend you're fixed so they can write you off their books. It is just too much for guys to deal with so I'd only do it if you wanted to stay in.

If you're close to retirement than you might think hard about it as a financial decision but your health is always first. The MedBoard will take awhile, so find out how the retirement system changes in 2015. I think you might get the option for partial retirements which might significantly relieve the pressure on the service to force you out now and relieve you from trying to get a full 20-yr pension.

Peace

 

[Spock]

Florian, one of our Canbanner staffers, Jen, just went into an InPatient program. You might like to read about it here:
Link Removed

 

[Virtues]

There's a part of me that will never let go of the military. It may have brought out the worst in me, but that worst was also the best in me a one point. It's tough to think I'll never be that good again. That makes me sad. The sad thing is, it was worth it. Now or in 30 years I'd eventually have to say goodbye to it, it just happens to be the crutch I'm leaning on now.

Long story made longer, I know I need to do something, and that something is putting myself and family first, but it stirs mixed emotions. I can't feel good about leaving the best thing that ever happened to me, even though I know it's the best thing for me.

I guess this is what fuels the poetic justice of Hollywood war movies. Why the "hero" dies in combat. It's so you never have to see him go through this.