I Stopped Drinking And Shit Has Gotten Worse

[JimOIFOEF]

I recently noticed I was drinking significantly more than I normally do (which list most vets is already pretty high as compared to the rest of the population) and decide to lay off for a bit. At first I just cut down to about a six pack a week, which worked out fine and I kept that up for a few weeks with really some changes for the better which was nice. I slept better, had more energy, got my six pack to return even if not where it once was....all the shit made me think this was a good idea, so I dropped the alcohol completely. Again, pretty decent results for the next week or two, not as significant, but still noticeably better.

But the last week or so, my anger has moved from daily annoyance at shit that shouldn't get to me and never has in the past up the scale to a physical rage. When it hits its like a black hole just above my stomach that just clenches all of my muscles and internals into it, and all I want to do is outright f*cking destroy something. Not just break it or hurt it or damage it, but to just unleash myself on it. To show it a brief moment of unadulterated pain and despair until it just stops. I don't care about myself or whatever injuries I may inflict upon myself I just want to have that release of the clench. Today has been the worst day of it all so far, I wanted to demolish the window in my office because it wouldn't close properly when I tried to close it (it seems stupid writing it out, but even now it still pisses me off). I didn't care about cuts, broken bones, or anything, I just wanted the release.

I know I obviously can't act on this stuff, but I really want to. Its never directed at any person or living thing. I am not a danger to myself or others, I have to put that disclaimer in here. But I am certainly a danger to windows, computers, phones, chairs, cars, traffic, and pretty much everything else I came across today. I have had the angry days before, but never anything like this.

Anyone ever had days or weeks like this? How did you deal with it without actually lashing out?

 

[Sarg]

Used to have it all the time. And caused some damage. The wrench through the plate glass window was the most fun. Got a hole in my garage door I'll have to replace due to the major hole I put in it with a hammer throw that should have been in the Olympics.

You are badly in need of meds. The sooner the better cause this shit can cut loose when your better judgement is at an all time low. That's what fills all the contract prisons that have become a major industry these days.

Go to the VA or the Vet Center and get the point across that this is really critical.

Do it, Jim! Don't get into trouble over this shit.

Sarg

 

[Tired of hiding]

Jim I know where you are brother. Just today in fact my anger manifested itself on an innocent paper towel dispenser in a bathroom in the Pentagon. I'm not sure why they just can't refill the damn things correctly. Seriously though, it can and does spiral quickly and it can go from objects to people in the blink of an eye or the slip of the wrong word out of someone's mouth. I have not posted on here in quite a while as I was/am fighting my own anger demons. Unfortunately, for me the inability to release my anger, for whatever reason, has led my body to crave physical pain. It is the strangest feeling in the world to have a deep seeded desire for intense physical pain. My therapist has her feelings on why she thinks I want to feel pain and it's the note mail psych projection crap. Maybe she's right, I don't know. I do know that I can't afford many more tattoos which have given me the best release plus I am running out of meaningful ideas and don't want to just start getting big colored balloons tattooed on my back simply for the feeling. I'm on what I thought was a decent cocktail of meds including minipres, Wellbutrin, topamax, gabapentin (helps a bit with the pain too) and Klonipin. Now I'm not sure. I meet with the MD next week for a med update and will talk with her then about it.
Sorry, got off on a tangent. Sarg is right, without some kind of help, be it meds which contrary to what some people may think are not bad, harmful or anything to be ashamed of or a combination of meds and therapy, you have to know when to call in CAS and get some help. It sounds like it may be that time.
Good luck brother. From someone who seems to be going through the same thing right now I say stay strong and use the people here. They are very helpful and have great advice. Feel free to email or message me if you you need to talk. It's not easy to do alone and much easier I've found with someone who knows first hand what you are going through.

D

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome Jim,

The booze was my coushin for close to 25 years. Did the detox got sober and then the shit hit the fan for me as well. That was 20 years before I knew I had PTSD - TG for AA or I'd be dead long ago. Been in therapy (Group & O/o/O) for the past 5 years. I don't do meds so what works for me may not be your answer.

To echo Sarg:

Go to the VA or the Vet Center and get the point across that this is really critical.

Good luck,

Ba

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Jim,

Many years ago while still in my prime I snapped and threw a framing hammer through a sheet of half inch plywood. I didn't know that was possible until I saw the head of the hammer sticking out the other side of the wood. But, this isn't about hammers and plywood.

My point is about the raw power that's locked up inside of each of us. It's about the stuff we're made of, the stuff that brought us home. It's more powerful than any other part of our being. Ya can't beat it or ignore it. And, ya can't ever let it go. You hold it close because you've seen how brutal this world can be, and know you may need that dark side again some day.

That said, I can tell you it's possible to work through all that comes of being a warrior. Ba's example is a good one. "TG for AA or I'd be dead long ago". Is it support groups? Is it meds.? Is it counceling? Is it yoga?...........................and on and on.

NO!! It's all of the above and anything else that gets you through the day. Use any one or all of them. Avoid alcahol and street drugs cause they're a trap. Stay away from the things that wake the Dragon. Recognize your limitations, and admit you have them. Adjust your life according to what works for you. It has to be your number one priority.

SD

 

[OldDoorGunner]

SD, I just love your lead in line "Many years ago while still in my prime I snapped........" Man could I run with that!!!:D

Jim us old Nam guys have been dealing with the f*cking Beast for 40+ years, we are no longer in our prime. But guess what? If I or any or the other guys really need it, we will use it. Does not matter that we have bad shoulders and hips or whatever, we will use what we know!!! And we will deal with the cashing of the check we wrote after words. Why is that? Well it's what SD said

My point is about the raw power that's locked up inside of each of us. It's about the stuff we're made of, the stuff that brought us home. It's more powerful than any other part of our being. Ya can't beat it or ignore it. And, ya can't ever let it go. You hold it close because you've seen how brutal this world can be, and know you may need that dark side again some day.

However you can learn how to live with it. You can learn to put the Beast on a very short leash. I have come a long way in just the last 3+ years learning how. Part of this for me was, know your ENEMY, the Beast!!! Next was ACCEPTANCE!!! Jim this will not be a walk in the park at first. But with some hard work and some pain, you will start learning and moving forward.....On this site you will find a lot to read on the Beast, take your time but do try to read as much as you can. All our Brothers and Sisters on the site have a somewhat different story.......but we are all the same!!! As you read, you will find this to be true.....

J R

 

[atilla]

I recently noticed I was drinking significantly more than I normally do (which list most vets is already pretty high as compared to the rest of the population) and decide to lay off for a bit. At first I just cut down to about a six pack a week, which worked out fine and I kept that up for a few weeks with really some changes for the better which was nice. I slept better, had more energy, got my six pack to return even if not where it once was....all the shit made me think this was a good idea, so I dropped the alcohol completely. Again, pretty decent results for the next week or two, not as significant, but still noticeably better.

But the last week or so, my anger has moved from daily annoyance at shit that shouldn't get to me and never has in the past up the scale to a physical rage. When it hits its like a black hole just above my stomach that just clenches all of my muscles and internals into it, and all I want to do is outright f*cking destroy something. Not just break it or hurt it or damage it, but to just unleash myself on it. To show it a brief moment of unadulterated pain and despair until it just stops. I don't care about myself or whatever injuries I may inflict upon myself I just want to have that release of the clench. Today has been the worst day of it all so far, I wanted to demolish the window in my office because it wouldn't close properly when I tried to close it (it seems stupid writing it out, but even now it still pisses me off). I didn't care about cuts, broken bones, or anything, I just wanted the release.

I know I obviously can't act on this stuff, but I really want to. Its never directed at any person or living thing. I am not a danger to myself or others, I have to put that disclaimer in here. But I am certainly a danger to windows, computers, phones, chairs, cars, traffic, and pretty much everything else I came across today. I have had the angry days before, but never anything like this.

Anyone ever had days or weeks like this? How did you deal with it without actually lashing out?[/q

 

[atilla]

I cut my drinking down also, and like you, I found myself getting more pissed off at little shit that shouldn't have mattered. For me it always involves shit not working right; it can be anything from a slow internet connection, to car trouble. It just "flies" all over me. I once took an axe handle and totall beat the shit out of a really nice buick regal that I owned. It wasn't paid for and i was behind on my payments and it was getting ready o be repo'd. I guess i did feel a little better after doing that but...I still have days where everything annoys me to the point of rage. I recently had one of those days you're talking about, just 1 aggravating thing after another. I argued with my wife a little, nothing major. I had about a 12 pack of natty ice, and of course layed down and went to sleep. Sometime during the night my wife noticed that i was having a nightmare and she tried to wake me from it. I turned on her and almost choked her out, kicked her, and punched her several times. My son and 3 of his friends got me off her and i woke up at that moment. I could've killed her. But, I think all the little things that pissed me off through that day and the 12pack, led up to the nightmare and the attack on my wife. I know for myself I let shit build up in my mind until it explodes violently. My wife is still with me, she knows what i've been through, and she has the guts and the stubborness to stand with me. I think the key for us and those like us is to try to stop holding shit in..