T Is Putting In For Long Term Ptsd Clinic For Me.

[Barberian]

I've been to the VA nut house 6 times or so now. Almost every time I've been there, the VA docs have said I would benefit from going to Palo Alto VA clinic for PTSD for long term care - 3 to 6 months in house care. No one has ever followed through with their own recommendations.

I had my first session with my T in about 4 or 5 months yesterday. The topic came up and I called my T on it. He also has said I would benefit from it most likely, and he has said he would "look into it" several times now, but never did. I told him how disappointed and angry I was with not only him, but the entire VA health care system including the mental health care side. After calling him on his inaction and broken promises, he once again said he would set up the screening process. I think this time he will do it, but I'm not holding my breath.

My next appointment with my T is in two weeks. He said he will have the paperwork ready for me to sign to get the ball rolling then. If he doesn't, I'm just going to get up and leave. Then file a formal complaint, and get a new T.

I've made no secret about what caused my PTSD. It's not from direct combat with others face to face, or withing gun range. This has made some here upset as to why am I here? Which I've also explained, and been accepted by most. My biggest fear is sitting in group of Army or Marines and getting a hostile response or reception from others who are triggered, younger and stronger. I don't want to be a distraction, or harassed. I just want to go and learn some new coping mechanism and be guided past some roadblocks towards recovery. PTSD is PTSD, and frankly I'm tired of being so dysfunctional.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Bar

Hope it works out for you. That sounds like a good place that will help. Anything that can make your tomorrows better Brother.

Jar

 

[Wagon]

Hang in there Barbarian,

It is bit of a bitch that the "screwed up vet" stigma now has a disease named assigned to it and then people turn around and make it private club with requirements." My PTSD is more bonified than your PTSD", Like its some sort of competition.

Never mind the people who are on the look out for someone who may be more bad ass/f*cked up than they are. They are just struggling themselves and trying to be top of the heap.

You did your time, you got your papers. If someone wants to contest that, give em my old ships mutinous salute.

Raise your middle finger and say "FTN Motherf*cker".

Hang Tough
Wagon

 

[dutchiedelta]

Fingers crossed they live up to their promise this time Barbarian.
It's a complete bitch to be dependent on others for your well being.
Know how frustrating that is. Am fighting it myself and fwiw, you have my sympathy for your situation.

 

[FishNH]

Keep your head up brother. Its absolutely tucked up how we think we're going to get judged and me personally, kept me from coming to the vs for help in the first place. That and admitting I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Nobody likes admitting they have a problem, like an alcoholic or drug addicts, but admitting it, atleast for me, made me realize I need help. Keep ya head up brother, and prayers said for you

 

[Darkhorse1]

Hang in there Barbarian,

It is bit of a bitch that the "screwed up vet" stigma now has a disease named assigned to it and then people turn around and make it private club with requirements." My PTSD is more bonified than your PTSD", Like its some sort of competition.

Never mind the people who are on the look out for someone who may be more bad ass/f*cked up than they are. They are just struggling themselves and trying to be top of the heap.

You did your time, you got your papers. If someone wants to contest that, give em my old ships mutinous salute.

Raise your middle finger and say "FTN Motherf*cker".

Hang Tough
Wagon

Exactly what I was thinking, just be honest with yourself. If someone gets joy out of your pain brush it off, it's easy to get distracted by others but you're focus is you and you alone. You can't help anyone if you don't help yourself first.

 

[Barberian]

I don't know what to do. I went to the next weeks appointment. Sat through it, even though he was off on an irrelevant tangent that was boring the shit out of me. I waited until the end of the appointment and asked him if he followed through with finding out if the Palo Alto inpatient PTSD clinic would be a good fit for me. He hemmed and hawed a bit, then when I pressed him he said something that gave himself away as he didn't do shit - again. When I was leaving I confronted him in the hallway about it. I told him just how PISSED OFF I was that he failed again to follow through with something. I told him that for over a year he had been telling me he would look into it. I told him his behavior was unacceptable and I would not tolerate it any longer. I told him the next week appointment he needed to have researched it or I would file a formal complaint against him and fire him as my T. I told him to look me in the eyes while I talked AT him. I usually shut my eyes to minimize the sensory input and overload when I talk with him during appointments, so this was very different behavior from me. I could tell he was concerned for his safety at that moment, and he should have been. If he had become confrontational, I would probably be in jail right now.

I was unable to follow through with the next appointment, or any contact since then. I have difficulty with phones to begin with. Part of my anxiety disorder. To make a phone call to make another appointment is beyond my capabilities. I know it sounds silly, but anxiety can be a motherf*cker. I'm also anxious about meeting him again. I'm afraid of how I will respond to seeing him again and if I can stay stable. Once again, anxiety is kicking my ass. Part of my anxiety is from people who can change my life - authority figures, police, shrinks, when I was in the military - senior enlisted and officers. He can totally f*ck my world because I'm dependant on my disability/retirement payments. If he writes something out of anger that can end my disability payments I'll end up homeless, divorced and on the streets with no meds or money or ability to care for myself. Ya, my anxiety can get that bad at times. I'm dependant on my wife a lot of the times for simple things like managing the money, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc. About the only meal I can make myself anymore is mac and cheese and simple sandwiches. I am pretty sure this is just my anxiety talking, but it's very persistent and damaging self talk I can't get past. Once again - anxiety is a motherf*cker.

I tried once last week to call the receptionist to see if I can see another shrink to get over or past this. The receptionist wasn't in, and I can't leave messages on the phone system - anxiety.

I don't know how well I present myself here, but hate to beat a dead horse - anxiety can easily overwhelm me into a panic attack from simple social contact. I don't have panic attacks often anymore, but the threat is always there. I was pretty agoraphobic for several years - 2009-2012'ish. I still fight it often, but can get out of the house/yard if I have to usually. Good or bad days if I do go out, I often end up sitting in the truck while the wife takes care of bills, shops or whatever.

I feel so pathetic I can't take care of this.

 

[FishNH]

Hey bro, as I read this, im about to finish a VA inpatient PTSD program. I have learned alot and have come along way from where I was. I highly recommend going to one. Dont feel pathetic bro, you got this, you can do it :) any questions im here for you

-Dave

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Barb,

You have engaged the T, I feel, in a respectful manner and made you request . He has an obligation to Yea/Nay the request and explain the reason. The ball is in the T's court.

*I feel so pathetic I can't take care of this.* Don't put yourself down you may need some help.

Don't project an outcome to a situation before it materializes. That will eat at you from the inside out.

You have moved the ball down the field as far as you can with this T - if you get no satisfaction you have to pass it off. Consider also, your trust in this person may have waned and a change may be in order at some point.

The VA has patient advocates who can and will handle matters that are beyond your ability. This what they do when things are at a stand still.

Good luck Barb - hang in there!

Ba

 

[Spock]

Bar,
I agree with Ba:
1) Contact the Patient's Advocate and put everything in writing. Let them contact the T to push him or find another
2) Does you spouse get caretaker pay? Sounds like you can apply for that.
3) Definitely attend the long-term in or out patient program.

The one I went through, like Dave, at WR-Bethesda, gave me the skills to run with things now. Much of it was a waste but the routine, camaraderie, and coping skills were really worth it. Plus, I found out what doesn't work but could be useful for a single incident/purpose, if not for me for others. I can use that as a Peer mentor to other vets.

I share many of your issues dealing with others.

I had to fire my Psych while I was still in. Guy (Navy Commander Dr.) did basically the same thing your T is doing. Would not follow through with his promises. What I did, when he had not finished the paperwork promised and had done no research to get me in a program, I told him that "he" was becoming a stressor to me and significantly increasing my anxiety. Obviously my doc knew that as my Psych he was there to help me address & "reduce" anxiety not cause or add to it. The foul is obvious.

Use those words with the Patient's Advocate.

Then you also might be prepared to go to the next meeting to calmly make that point with your T if he fails yet again.

One final thought, you sound like you might be letting fear hold you back, since you're afraid of "LOSING" stuff because you want to do the right thing. You don't need to justify doing the right thing to anyone to include your therapist or doc. Don't let fear hold you back. Just stay above board, clear and clean. As long as you don't let someone push your buttons so you do something that is wrong or crosses the line than you're fine. You just gotta play the game in your favor.

If you're concerned about records than ask for your records and if something is wrong in there than ask them to be corrected.

You are welcome here. You belong here as far as I'm concerned.

Stay safe, stay strong!

 

[Friday]

I'm late chiming in here... But when the anxiety kicks in / you feel pathetic... Remember you gave him the gift of extra time to get his shit done.

And yeah... Get a advocate. Having to run point on your own recovery because your T isn't stepping up for you? Impossible position to be in, and you've been in it a helluva long time already. I was a shaking mess for years with my divorce, trying to do it on my own & my lawyer not getting that I simply couldn't do what was being asked of me... When come to find an advocate could have sorted that whole mess for me in a month. Head meet drywall. This is what advocates are rock stars at. Bridging the gap and getting shit done. Come to find, there is an actual job for that because we aren't actually expected to be able to do all this shit on our own.

 

[Spock]