Dragging Up The Past

[FishNH]

Not therapist, just saw the psych that once. and no, it doesn't make it ok. Yes I should have done something about it instead of what i did. I guess what im most frustrated about is we had talked about it, and she forgave me. Believe me, ain't nothing im proud of at all...

 

[Raven]

Not therapist, just saw the psych that once. and no, it doesn't make it ok. Yes I should have done something about it instead of what i did. I guess what im most frustrated about is we had talked about it, and she forgave me. Believe me, ain't nothing im proud of at all...

A psychiatrist should still know better than to "shine the hunchback", which is an old Polish/Yiddish idiom that hasn't made its way into the English language. It means encouraging negative behavior by telling you it's okay and letting you get away with it.

 

[Grizzly]

I'm not going to say that this is right or wrong.

I will say that I am guilty doing the same if not worse in the past. I was looking for some form of support. My spouse was having issues with sever depression with meds and all and I was dealing with my shit. I felt like I didn't have anyone. I didn't want to burden her emotions with mine due to her depression so I was looking elsewhere for what felt was comfort.

Its very hard to explain for me. Did it help? Only temporary. What I want to say is that I understand.

I still don't talk to my spouse about my problems. What my thoughts are. Or anything about the military other than the fun times. Maybe one day I will. We have been together for 22 years and married for 17 of those and I still don't feel comfortable doing it.

 

[Friday]

I'll say its wrong. Cause I've done that. Except that my version of flirting skips talking entirely and goes straight to sex.

I've always had lots of guy/girl friends.

Just talking to them, having friendships, loving on them doesn't constitute an inappropriate conversation. Granted, this is a nice thing about going from 0-60. Because if I'm looking to scratch an itch, fill a void, whatever euphemism you want for looking for something I don't have... It's really f*cking obvious.

For people with, you know normal progression, I can see how there's a lot of grey area to fall into on accident / needing to learn boundaries. But for me, at least... It's really clear. Either I'm looking to step out, or not. If I'm looking to step out? It's wrong. I either need to step up and be honest (open relationship or divorce... Allow them the same thing I'm allowing myself), or suck it up and not do it.

 

[Grizzly]

You are right Friday. And I always knew that I was in the wrong. But only after I did it. Today I love my wife dearly. Wouldn't dare to risk hurting her. Why am I that way now? I've no clue. Maybe it's because I am more mature. But I think it's because my fear of nothingness.

She does her best to get me out. Sometimes she succeeds sometimes not. Do I have the emotional support I need? NO! But I have learned to accept her the way she is. And partly because I won't open up and share my beast. She has seen parts of it in my booze laden all day benders. She isn't ready. I'm not ready to share.

 

[atilla]

Grizz, you, all of us can't possibly be expected to share when were not ready. Since we all have the beast screwing around with our daily lives, to different degrees, it takes longer for some than others to be able to share with our wives/husbands. No shame in that, it is what it is Bro. Think positive, it will happen. Believe me, it was a shit load of stress I got out of my life. I wish you all luck. My wife, like Jimmy's, likes sitreps on my noggin. She's seen the beast from the "just a little jumpie", to the "cooked-off shit grenade", and everything in between. So she wants to know when it may happen and what triggers it. She's awesome, I know she really cares about me and about helping me try to just heal up a bit more. Everybodys relationships are different. I can only speak about my relationship and hope it helps. The wife had a lot of trouble getting me out, all of you on here helped me with that, i'm getting out more. I salute all of you. JR...You are right, "fireworks are just fireworks".I decided to say WTF just do it, push through it and do it. I did..went to walmart, and my wife supported me through it, mostly by just being there. It made it a lot easier to have her there, knowing about the beast and what to look for, she had my back. I couldn't have done it without her. Another babystep but thats what it's about. We have to just keep working at it every day. It can get better. Peace Brothers and Sisters.

 

[Friday]

You are right Friday. And I always knew that I was in the wrong. But only after I did it.
.

That would kill me. Lead belly, cold sweats, sink into the ground.
I don't mind choosing to do the wrong thing, at least I'm aware of the consequences, but I hate hate hate finding out I'm wrong after the fact.

 

[Raven]

I probably shouldn't have gotten on my high horse about this earlier today. It's more like a Shetland Pony, given my track record with relationships... I tend to go and f*ck things up in other ways.

 

[Grizzly]

That would kill me. Lead belly, cold sweats, sink into the ground.
I don't mind choosing to do the wrong thing, at least I'm aware of the consequences, but I hate hate hate finding out I'm wrong after the fact.

Pretty much nailed it. At the time I was usually self medicating. Not an excuse. But I'm sure I was at my lowest of lows. I won't even justify by saying it was all the beast. But I never though I'd be around long enough to have to face it Yet here I still sit.

 

[atilla]

Raven, I'm on my fourth marriage. My track record sucks big time. I appreciate your opinion and your take from a womans point of view and at the same time a Sisters perspective. There's a lot of things, I think, I could've changed if I'd just pushed myself a bit harder on getting a grip on the beast. I guess with maturity comes a little bit of wisdom. I'm an expert on f*cking things up...lol..looks like should've been an expert on how not to make a marriage work. I should write a book..Stay strong Sister.

 

[FishNH]

Thanks for all the replies everyone. Cant change the past, but I can change the future. And on the good note, had a good Congo with my wife about the program and the classes im taking in it. Added bonus, saw my son through Skype :)

 

[atilla]

Outstanding Brother. It's all up to each of us whether we succeed or fail. It's rough, but not impossible. Peace.