The Beast Within

[Woodman]

While I was in Vietnam and patrolling/policing the front of our wire I looked down and saw a skull. I didn't know what to make of it at the time. It wasn't a human skull (i don't think) but appeared to be that of some kind of animal or maybe a monkey or child. It had sharp pointy teeth, no snout and almost human looking except for the size which fit in the palm of my hand. The decomposed eye sockets seemed to be staring right at me. It was one freaky looking thing, maybe a monkey skull. I picked it up and took it back to the bunker for some stupid f*cking reason and showed it to everyone in the bunker. They were mostly wtf is that and wow. I should have kicked it down the hill.

So dumbass me I decided to let it dry out and keep it for a souvenir. Next day I go back to where I left it and it was gone. So I say to myself someone stole it, now that I think about it maybe an animal did. But when I reflect back on it and ponder about my ptsd and shit going on in my head I can't help thinking that I have a demon inside of me. Was it that thing? Did it enter my mind and body when I picked it up? See thats just one of the f*cked up things going on in my head.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Hey Woodman.
Don't worry, if the monkey skull gave you that, I'm surely f*cked! :P
We interrogated grave sites overseas mistaken for rock formations, possible IED markers etc..
Happened a few times. Tons of bloated dead dogs.

It just sounds like right now the devil on one shoulder is tugging hard.
It may be the med's I've been on for a few months. But I swear in the shower the other day,
It felt as though I made a little truce, or cease fire agreement with that asshole.
Almost like we decided to be buddies.

 

[Woodman]

lol so it's real

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Lol, well I can't be for sure unfortunately. I'm only speaking on what I've thought. That darkness is immense.
I feel as though it's our personal responsibility to chose whether or not to side with the good or bad.
But for example, when I worked graveyard in the slaughter house around filth and waste.
The entire night I'd be thinking about evil shit. Had to get outa that shit hole.

Also, the more you try to push those thoughts away etc. The more of a headache they become.
Just thoughts, that's all. Sounds like intrusive thoughts, Woodman.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Here is an article on it that I had to read to better understand.

http://ocdfree.tumblr.com/howtoovercomeintrusivethoughts

 

[dutchiedelta]

Magical thinking. Either being under the influence or having power.
Not a healthy road to go down.

Seen some weird stuff and it called to the reptile part of my brain. The oldest bits that cause gut feelings.
No to objects having any power other than that which we're willing to give it.

 

[Woodman]

I tried Rational Recovery one time and the thinking in that program is that there's a thing in your head that they said to call "IT" they said don't give it a name just call it "IT". And IT is what you have to get control of. I thought that I had "IT" under control but it keeps popping up. In AA they have a thing called a higher power too. I know that all this is imaginary so it's nothing but memories and imaginary thinking. The bad thing is when that kind of thinking happens it sometimes leads to nightmares.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Tempting to attribute power and control to something outside of us innit?
Maybe the skull personifies to you the darker parts of you life and Trauma. Put some of the power there and suddenly it makes sense things happen without a reason.

I'm really glad with your post and courage. It may help readers get to grips with regaining some control over their thinking.

 

[holdenmonty]

It just sounds like right now the devil on one shoulder is tugging hard.

I have always thought of the beast as a similar type thing. It's like the really old classic cartoons where there is the devil on one shoulder of the character and an angel on the other. WARNING I'M ABOUT TO GET A LITTLE RELIGIOUS

I have always recognized the angel telling me what to do that is good and the devil telling me everything bad/the opposite of what the angel was telling me and it's like the PTSD has made the devil twice the size of the angel and its harder to hear the angel when I have the devil yelling in my ear all the time

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Something to ponder.........My biggest problem was the running thoughts......J R

 

[Spock]

Something to ponder.........My biggest problem was the running thoughts......J R
View attachment 2471

Like that a LOT!!!