Guarding My Post...

[LocaButt]

I wrote before about my house being robbed and what it did/does to me. I can't remember what thread that was in though. Feel free to add whatever similar experiences you all might have.

So about ten minutes ago a strange truck pulls up. Dude knocks on the door. I kept the dogs quiet and called the hubby. He wasn't expecting anyone. The guy drives away. I live in a rural area so solicitors aren't that common and he didn't go to the neighbor's houses.

So now my brain is ticking, planning things out. I've got the AR locked and loaded. Waiting... There goes leaving the house at all for a while. Grrrr!

 

[Deleted member 43454]

I haven't had my home robbed to be clear.
But if I did, I would probably flip the f*ck out for real.
Knock on wood, over here.

So I can basically only imagine, or try to relate with my own experiences with being on guard.
Once I was told in technical school by the instructor that anybody with demo experience was put on a watch list... I was paranoid.
I swear one day this van was out there in the shade. I got in my car, middle console was up, I didn't remember leaving it up.
Dude in the van with a grey beard acting all shady. Gets behind me as I pull out of the parking lot. It was just odd.
I had to have a weapon for peace of mind.

The mind can play tricks on itself at times. It takes me a lot of effort to get outa panic states depending on how extreme.
But I notice the uneasy feeling, looking out the window, checking weapons. Somebody out there would like me dead, type of feeling.
For whatever reason...whatever random thought or action from the past that resurfaces at the time. Truly sucks.

 

[LocaButt]

It does suck. I know I am being overly crazy. I get anxiety thinking about the anxiety I would get if I would leave the house though. My brain loves to worry.

That would have made me absolutely insane, about your car.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Lol @ anxiety thinking about anxiety.
Yeah I get what you mean, for sure.
Nothing wrong with watching over the place to be safe tho.

 

[holdenmonty]

I know a little bit of how you feel Loca about 4 months after I got back from my deployment the place I was living on got ransacked. They stole everything electronic and broke through the top of the fire proof lock box that I had with a kitchen knife... and it looked like a tornado hit the inside of the house. I initially thought wild animals got in and destroyed everything until I saw that the tv and xbox and everything else electronic was missing.

I was very cautious and on guard because they had some Afghani people living and working on base taking out the trash and the board walk which had haji shops... I didn't trust any of them and then with my house being broken into it just jumped on board with the cautiousness and being on guard. My wife gets frustrated with me a little bit for it but before we leave the house I check all the doors and make sure they are locked and even lock the car when its in the garage and if I'm bringing in groceries I don't leave the car unlocked when I'm taking in one load and going to come out and grab another. I really hate it when I'm coming through the gate to come on base and the person follows me into the base housing. I never go to my house if somebody is behind me I drive around until they aren't behind me anymore. I think I might be a little paranoid but if I don't do those things then my anxiety won't leave me alone especially if somebody appears to be following me. I start playing out in my head about driving around for a little while and then driving over to the cop's building and if they follow me there I will be prepared to deal with them if I have to.

 

[LocaButt]

@holdenmonty I think you were the person I was talking with (mostly) before in the other thread. I couldn't find which one it was when this happened today.
There should be a law against people showing up unannounced to save us crazies a little bit of stress. lol

 

[holdenmonty]

I totally agree it's like come on I'm a vet and fought for you the least you could do is not break into my house and steal my stuff

 

[Spock]

It does suck. I know I am being overly crazy. I get anxiety thinking about the anxiety I would get if I would leave the house though. My brain loves to worry...

Loca; you may know this already but even without the being robbed issue [which would freak me the hell out too] you'd be wired. I know one battle buddy after another that clear their places nightly, getting up in the middle of the night, etc. So yeah, you are now wired for paranoia. I have children and I'm always freaked just when they go outside to play.

In case you haven't seen this before, just know your antenna was permanently turned up for survival mode when you were in combat, your lizard brain kicked up survival mode forever and it physically changed your brain. This is why we get hyper vig and see threats everywhere because we had to do it in combat. So yeah, crowds do a number on most folks, commute traffic & many morons. All that multiple input stuff, causes another reason for us to isolate to turn down the noise. You gotta keep trying to add coping skills, mechanisms.

Good thing is it is unlikely someone is gonna sneak up on you.

 

[LocaButt]

I understand what you said Spock. You pointed me toward a good video when I first got here that explained a lot of that, which I am so thankful for. I guess I need to figure out some way to deal with it, besides meds. I have tons more reading to do. I honestly don't see how I can work past it, knowing the way I feel right now though.

 

[Kaishi]

@LocaButt, have you tried figuring your needs for starters, like need more of (e.g. free spaces, limited input, time to think things through without interruption, physical outlets, feeling of basic safety), need less (morons, noise, unexpected situations, being cornered, whatever), things like that? Getting to the gist of what's making life most complicated now, what's most getting to you, and working at how can you make it more ok for you?

Feel free to disregard if totally n/a , just know things are doable. And that *you* can do them. As one mentor told me, 'It's not gonna be smooth, f*ck that. This ain't ballet, darlin'.'

 

[LocaButt]

'It's not gonna be smooth, f*ck that. This ain't ballet, darlin'.'

I really like that quote.
I understand what you are saying, but I don't notice anything that I could pin point to even get me on the right track. I am usually alone, whether it is in the day when everyone is at work or school or at night when I stay up like a crackhead. The only unexpected situation is someone showing up to my house and I don't know who they are. Last night, I thought about putting up a sign at my driveway, but I have no idea what I would put on it without sounding insane or creepy.

One thing does come to mind, and it might be completely unrelated. It could be completely related in the depths of my brain and I don't know it. There have been a lot of booms around here lately. I still live near Fort Benning and it is common to hear the booms occasionally, but lately they have been really loud and really frequent. Enough to make me check the news and make sure we aren't being attacked. A huge one a couple weeks ago was said to be a jet breaking the sound barrier. Some reporters called the FAA and they had no reports of that. So the tin foil hat is on. They also released in the paper that the AF was going to be dropping a 500lb bomb. There have been so many booms that I am not sure if they have even done it yet. The crap going on in the world has me really nervous and on edge. I think I would still be having a fit if all this weren't happening though.

 

[Spock]

Here is the cheap answer Loca that we repeat often in here; you don't deal with it, you take baby steps learning to live with the many parts of the beast.