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[USMC0311]

Hi, I served in the United States Marine Corps from 2004-2008 and while serving, I deployed twice to Iraq. My MOS was 0311 (Infantry). Since getting out of the Corps in 2008, I've been diagnosed with PTSD due to some of the events that took place while deployed to Iraq. I was never hit with any PTSD symptoms until I became a civilian again. I had terrible anxiety everywhere I went and would refuse to go out to dinner with family because of my anxiety. On numerous occasions, I would feel I was having a heart attack and even went to a Cardiologist to have an EKG, stress test, echo cardiogram, etc. completed and everything was fine. It was at this point in my life when I decided to see someone at the VA and start getting treated for PTSD. I am now prescribed to Clonazepam and see someone at the VA every 3 months. I'm also on disability from the Corps for various ailments, one being PTSD. I feel guilty at times for getting a check each month and feel that others have gone through way worse but some of the experiences I went through live with me every day. There's days when I feel great and others where I'm down. I'm a very optimistic person so I try to live life to the fullest every day. I have a great job and wonderful family. There are days when I completely miss the Marine Corps and being deployed over seas. I sometimes ask myself is it normal to miss combat and the camaraderie that came with it? I would go back in a heartbeat to defend this country I so dearly love.

 

[Blue4D]

Welcome brother I am a 19 k army got out in 07 in short it was rough lost brothers lost tanks and I escaped with my life but not my mind there isn t a day that goes by when ptsd doesn't effect my life . I also recently seeked help for my ptsd. I had also went to my private doctor 2 years ago because I didn't recognize the anxiety I had 24 7 and thought I was having heart problems had ekg and everything was OK.went to va got to talk to phocoligist/phicatrist. Got meds .hope the help . So I don't get compensation and I filed a claimi don't care as long as they pay for my medication and that stuff I will be OK with that .I have a great trade / job and amazing wife so that helps more than I have the vocabulary to explain. Take what you rightfully deserve and enjoy it .I thank you for your service!!!

 

[Blue4D]

Oh to answer your question about missing combat .we hunted 8 hrs a day everyday for 300 + days 20 min north of Baghdad. My tank was destroyed 9 months into our deployment. My brother the Loader died. 2 days later we got a new tank and continued the hunt for 3 more months before we came home .and there isn't a day i don't think about what if I was still in the fight so I would go back in a heartbeat a tank crew is like a family and and a tank company is like the extended family that commaraderie is hard to put into words and is easily missed ....

 

[CyclePath]

Welcome. My symptoms kind of started the same way and only got worse with time. I struggled with them for ten years before getting help earlier this year & just retired from active duty on Sep 1st. I am new to civilian life and can't really tell a difference yet. Taking it one day at a time, trying to stay positive, and keeping myself busy. Fingers crossed! Good luck to you and make sure to read through the posts - tons of great info here

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome brother... Semper Fi!

Since getting out of the Corps in 2008, I've been diagnosed with Link Removed due to some of the events that took place while deployed to Iraq. I was never hit with any PTSD symptoms until I became a civilian again.

Your in the right place - take a knee. Your very fortunate marine, today, you have an answer for your behavior. Although that understanding does not lessen the severity of the problem it makes it manageable. There are several 'Ol Nam Shits' like myself that had no idea what was going on for decades after we got home. Loss of relationships, jobs, jail, detox's and suicide for a good many of our brothers. The Beast (PTSD) took a toll on fighting men and women of all conflicts unknowingly since the beginning of time. Today we have a name for it and several means to treat it. This place helps!

Plenty of guy's here did a day or two in the sand box so get reading. This is 'NOT One Size Fits ALL' - so, take what works and leave the rest.

Ba
FMF (USN) VN 1965-66

 

[Deleted member 33437]

I had terrible anxiety everywhere I went and would refuse to go out to dinner with family because of my anxiety. On numerous occasions, I would feel I was having a heart attack

This is my life since Jan 2015, the origin for my PTSD dates back to 2006. I did a major change in my life in 2013 and everything went down to shit since I was finally able to let go of my coping method that got me through from day to day for nearly a decade. It's a daily uphill battle with very dark thoughts (some that scares the bejesus out of me), I tame the monster with either my attempt at weekly therapy, 5 senses, Rye or Ativan (I tried to say away from last).
Anyway that's me and I wish you a warm welcome.

 

[Deleted member 33437]

just retired from active duty on Sep 1st. I am new to civilian life and can't really tell a difference yet. Taking it one day at a time, trying to stay positive, and keeping myself busy.

Not looking forward that moment :(

 

[USMC0311]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome.

 

[USMC0311]

It's comforting knowing that others went through similar symptoms. I was really freaked out for a long time and it drove me crazy not knowing what was going on. Every day was a battle with wondering if I had a serious issue with my heart. Clonazepam has tremendously helped out. There are times when I really wish I wasn't dependent on a substance to get through life, but I don't think I have much of a choice.

Question, is it normal to have dreams of combat experiences that never actually happened to you? I randomly get dreams that I'm in Afghanistan even though I never deployed there and also have other really odd, bizarre dreams that I wake up in a panic attack and have to talk myself out of it. I deployed to Iraq and did see some things though I always feel like it could have been worse. One of the most traumatizing incidents to me was a firefight that we were in during an operation. We were ambushed by a handful of insurgents crossing a canal. After the firefight was over, we went through the dead insurgents pockets to pull out all of their information. I can still picture the first dead body which had a bullet hole through his head and the exit was out of his mouth. His teeth were shattered and shit was pouring out of his mouth. We ended up having to drop c4 on another dead insurgent and blew his body since he was strapped with a suicide vest. This left pieces of body all over the place.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Normal? My normal is not your normal - the behaviors related to PTSD differ from individual to individual.

I can still picture the first dead body which had a bullet hole through his head and the exit was out of his mouth. His teeth were shattered and shit was pouring out of his mouth.

That face you recall will be just as clear twenty - thirty years from now. On December 17, 1965 I witnessed the look on a shipmates face before he fell to his death on the orders he followed on my command. A day has not go by in the last 50+ years that the fear in those 18 year old's eyes had not crossed my minds eye. Dreams, intrusive thoughts and triggers bring me back there without warning. 8 years of therapy has managed to allow me to manage it somewhat but not eliminate the occurrences totally. Today, I get together at a Vet Center with a group of combat vets and talk about things that family, friends and most doctors can not and would not understand. I'm no longer alone inside my head - they know what I feel, what I think and we walk through the stuff together.

Ba

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome. rings very true.
I long for the day that anxiety just goes the fak away.
As per having nightmares of random places an events, yes it's normal at least for me I have a nightmare thread I posted some vivid dreams I had.
All these things are embedded in our subconscious mind and surface in random different ways in our nightmares.
One day at a time one step at a time.


"Step by step walk the thousand mile road." - Miyamoto Musashi

 

[CyclePath]

Oddly enough the guys that I dumped over there don't really consciously bother me. My dreams are another story. For instance, I have recurring dreams of a couple guys that I shut down and then watched dogs eat them/tear them apart.
I also made decisions that resulted in the deaths/injury of my best friends, on numerous deployments, and that is a major issue for me. I always thought it was the burden of leadership - it is not.

For years my dreams would be of actual events, and there are a lot of them over my 27 year career, but recently, before I went in for help, they changed. They start with those same real situations, but then everything in them would go wrong and the stuff never happened. Bad ju-ju. I would wake up in a bad way. I would also sometimes wake up clearing my house or setting up demo shots in my kitchen/yard with tools or silverware. Scary.

I do sometimes struggle going to dinner, the mall, theme parks, movies etc...

I can't tell you much about treatment or meds because I'm new to it, but I guess I can say that many of us feel the same/experience the same or similar things as you. Many more have the same issues and never ask for help.