How Do You Get Your Family To Actually Understand?

[Lost kanuck]

Hi everyone,

Diagnosed with PTSD was a very hard pill for me to swallow! I had a very difficult time accepting it. Being a former soldier in the Canadian army, I was released from service due to this disorder. My family is not really in the know of exactly what PTSD is. My father and brother understand and accept that there is this thing that affects my life, but my mother on the other hand refuses to believe that there is this demon that has taken over my life. Any advice out there on how to get my mother on board would be great!

 

[tryintobreathe]

I just want to first say welcome! I am also new here. I am finding I get very different reactions from family members about my diagnosis. Some seem to accept it easier than others. I think all you can do is to encourage your mother to read about PTSD and try to keep the lines of communication open with her. My own mother who is deceased refused to believe I was being sexually abused when I was a child. For some people, denial is a way of coping. Good luck!

Jen

 

[dust]

Difficult one, yes, because people will only accept what you are telling them if they are ready to do so themselves. I had no support from my family ... This was very painful ontop of the PTSD.

I think that providing them with information so they can find out about PTSD is helpful, other than that... you can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink...

The above may sound a little flippant, but it is not meant to be. I have observed, that I couldn't force my friends or family to see my PTSD. Some people will just never reflect back or be able to acknowledge your pain. This can cause more pain. Others will, and they should be the ones you cherish.

dust

 

[shiraz]

Hi Lost kanuck,

Welcome to the forum.

I have had mixed reactions from my family too. One family member is completely unable to accept this new 'state' in me as she needs me to be strong and supportive for her. I have always played that role for her and so now, for her own well being, I need to keep fulfilling that role. She needs me to be OK. I have PTSD and that is not changing. In time, she will have to come to terms with this different me and accept the inevitable.

No amount of 'educating' is going to change her. She is stubborn and believes that i can pull myself together .... that would be easier for her. People have their own reasons for not being able to accept. Once they have worked through their own reasons and are able to drop the 'need' for us to be a certain way (that could be about their own pain) then they may come to accept.

I would suggest that you don't hide from your mother. Allow her to see your pain, don't save her from 'you' and in time she will have to accept that you are changed and need support.

All the best and take care,

Shiraz

 

[Grama-Herc]

There is a vast difference between acceptance and understanding.

I was blessed with family(mom) who allowed me the space to talk about it when I was ready, plus she had the desire to understand as much as someone WITHOUT ptsd can.

I spent a lot of time trying to explain "invisible" symptoms and explaining how I felt---as best I could. That is really all we can do. If they don't understand and/or refuse to accept this part of our life, we can't dwell on it. Otherwise, it will slowly wear us down.

I would take every opportunity to expose mom to information from any source about all this crap. She still does not understand but is extremely aware that it is real. That in itself is a big help!!!!!

Just keep talking is the only suggestion I have. Oh Yea! I also would read or relate info learned here on the forum since I don't always express myself very well.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Lost Canuck,

Firstly thank you for serving. My bf also has combat ptsd (US & Canadian Forces). This is sort of tough one for me because I'm still dealing with it and trying to understand, although I have accepted it. The one thing that has helped me a bit is to come to this forum and I've ordered some books about combat ptsd. That has helped me.

My problem is that when my bf is having an emotional breakdown I might not be emotionally available for him (at least as much as I should be). This might be due to the fact that I'm feeling shut out, lonely and that might contribute to my distance. I know that all he really needs at the time is for me to hold him and tell him that I love him but sometimes that's hard to do. Intellectually I understand that this has nothing to do with me but it's still hard not to take this personally.

If she can just educate herself about what happened to you, and why you are going through this she might have a better understanding about ptsd. It doesn't mean she'll always get it because she might be working through some of her own issues over this but at least you might be able to bridge the gap.

C.

 

[goingonhope]

Hello & Welcome to the Forum,

My family is not really in the know of exactly what PTSD is. My father and brother understand and accept that there is this thing that affects my life,

When your father and brother are available or shows signs of interest in what this Ptsd is, well then, guide them to the right material where they can choose to either further educate themselves or not.

You can share with them how isolating of an illness it is and how much you'd appreciate either or both gaining knowledge of what Ptsd is and that it is real and how many people it effects, but outside of answering questions or guiding them to appropriate material and/or resources you will likely need to drop the rest of the responsibility of knowing and understanding better upon them. They will decide all for themselves just how much of an understanding or better knowledge that they'll need consistent to how additionally emotionally supportive they believe they can be.

Here you have some influence.

but my mother on the other hand refuses to believe that there is this demon that has taken over my life.

Here you have no control.


Therefore, I wouldn't expend energies trying to convince someone who refuses to believe something such as Ptsd exists and that you have it.

If you actually explained your Ptsd as a demon, well then she'll likely may never believe such. Though you and I know that Ptsd certainly feels or have felt like a demon(s) of sorts exists within us, Lost kanuck is it a demon or is it an real illness?

On the other hand if she's open minded to you having an illness well then perhaps you can simply state how fatal, progressive, and life destructive of an illness that it is and that you'd love her educated, open-minded support, as well.

Now if she is steadfast in her conclusion that her son is just fine and all is well with him, well then find and be yourself, while understanding that symptoms are symptoms and do your best to find your healing that such symptoms either lift, decrease or remain to revisit however yet still not get them confused with who you are. Accept and take ownership of and responsibility for your symptoms, while pushing yourself forward in a positive direction, when at all able and living the life you have now to the best of your ability.

I don't believe from my experience that we can afford to waste our precious energies and time reaching for ideals that others, no matter how close in relationship we may wish they be, understand and accept anything; This falls outside our control.

Start with what's within your proper influence and control and expand.

With your hard work in healing and our support when we're able, please Grieve it all one step at a time, Find yourself again, Heal...Heal...Heal, Accept everything (doesn't mean that you approve), Grow much and Perservere. This is your journey; And, it's your life.

Lots and lots of :Hug_emoticon: ((hugs)) :Hug_emoticon:being sent your way Lost kanuck!

Sincerely,
goingon

....take what's useful, discarding the rest.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Only my immediate family is aware of my PTSD. My husband and daughter both know the most (my daughter is 22 and has PTSD also from something unrelated), my son knows a little but not much (he's 18). My brother knows I have been diagnosed but we don't discuss it and that is it. My mom is too ill herself to find out about my abuse or my PTSD (this has been agreed upon by my T). I tend to only discuss on a need to know basis. The people that have to live in my home with me - provide me with the most support and have to deal with the worst symptoms - so they are the most informed.

I told my brother - only because we grew up in the same house and I "thought" he would understand - instead I just got alot of "get over it" and "it can't really bother you that badly". I know that he has "issues" as well - it's evident in how he lives his life - I see his struggles - but that's for him to figure out - not me. So we don't discuss it any longer.

The way I see it - is I'm not going to spend what little energy I have on trying to make people understand. (PTSD uses up enough energy as it is.) Instead I'm going to use that energy to help myself.

I know that in a perfect world we would all have the loving support of our entire families and they would all want to support us and be able to. But my reality is - that I know who I can count on and I manage my symptoms as best I can around the others.

 

[TLight]

I've only read the thread title.

Here's my answer.

NO.

 

[sticks-and-stones]

Hiya,

I agree with what the others have said.

Personally, I haven't told anyone in my family anything. Oh actually no, my mum and dad know about one incident that happened to me, but they dont know about the rest or the fact that I have PTSD.
However, I have told my three housemates - mainly because I felt that I owed them an explanation to my seemingly irrational behaviour. I live with two guys and one girl - the girl studies psychology and is amazingly understanding. One of the guys is very interested about learning more about PTSD and is a very good listener, however the other guy hasn't got a clue about what's going on. Sometimes it's incredibly hurtful.

The point of this ramble is to show that you should focus on those who can help you and not waste time and energy on people who don't/can't understand.

S&S

 

[dutchieinPA]

It is indeed difficult for someone to understand what you are experiencing on an emotional level while they may be able to understand it on a theoretic level.

For me personally, feeling alone when I have flashbacks is very upsetting. I wish we had the technology to hook up a USB cable to let someone into our world. Not because I want them to experience what I have, but to obtain some sort of acknowledgement that it is real.

I have been estranged from my father for nearly 15 years, and my relationship with my brother is very distant. My mother, on the other hand has been very supportive. My fiance has also been very understanding.

I hope you find the support you are looking for on this site. For me, feeling like I'm not loony, that there are other people out there who can relate to this disabling condition, is a very comforting feeling. I feel like I have found a place where people do "get" it.

 

[Lost kanuck]

Thankyou everyone for the awesomes words of advice!