I want my therapist inside of me

[Scarlet13]

So, I do not mean this sexually , but I guess just more intimately. I want her to line up inside of me and I imagine her body or spirit like a silhouette floating inside of me and hovering over all of the hurt.
I want her inside of my heart where there is so much pain. I feel a constant tumor or open wound just pulsing in my heart and I want her spirit like an ointment over this wound. I want her to line up next to my identity so that my identity could some how know how to take a normal, healthy shape and not the shape of a monster.
I want her to go into my stomach to ease the constant burning fear and I want her to go through my uterus to ease the trauma there.
I could easily tell her this and I have told her things similar, but I don't want her to think that I want to have sex with her, or that I am obsessed with her or that I am going to start stalking her. We have very good boundaries, which I need as a victim of csa. I worry that my attachment is weird or that I am creepy. I just feel like I can be a real human worthy of love when I am with her.

 

[SeedMan]

So, I do not mean this sexually , but I guess just more intimately. I want her to line up inside of m...

For me, I recalled the Disney film, "Pinocchio" and when I was in a tough situation I'd imagine my therapist being kinda like Jiminy Cricket. Standing about 10 cm. tall, sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, I could imagine the kind of coaching I'd get. I could harness my vivid imagination AND be completely responsible for my actions at the same time.

 

[Scarlet13]

I felt that "conscience" feeling with my psychiatrist. She did more CBT style therapy with me and it saved my life. It is like she was in my brain.

I want my trauma t in my body, like I keep imagine a broken person with another human residing inside of her. This is so intense and I will likely just freaking tell my t about it, but I worry how she will take that.

The need for me to have her inside of me is so great. I have a maternal transference for her and so usually I imagine myself inside of her which makes more sense then her inside of me.

 

[Fadeaway]

When I saw the title I was worried, but I get what you are saying. A jiminy cricket deal would be nice.

 

[SeedMan]

I felt that "conscience" feeling with my psychiatrist. She did more CBT style therapy with me and it...

Aye, I see this is pretty big stuff for ya. I encourage you to run this past your psychiatrist to get her input on this strategy. (After all, their input is what we pay our therapists the big bucks for.) Cheers!

When I saw the title I was worried, but I get what you are saying. A jiminy cricket deal would be nice...

Glad to be of service, Fadeaway. Rock on! :-)

 

[Scarlet13]

No, I don't think I am going to say anything. It is not sexual and I do not want her to misunderstand. I probably should not have posted it here or titled it that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

No, I don't think I am going to say anything. It is not sexual and I do not want her to misunderstand. I probably should not have posted it here or titled it that.

It is going to be alright for you, because you were being honest and real with yourself. You took a risk and that is hard to do sometimes.

Trauma puts a hole in your soul if you experienced abuse as a child and it needing to be expressed is your way to healing I think. Please do not be hard on yourself for being honest and real. It took courage to post that and I would honor the self if I had done so, as hard as that is.:hug:

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I am thinking I am going to bring this topic up with my therapist. It is just so important to me. However, I am not just going to say, "I want you inside of me." I will get a weird look mixed with carefully controlled neutrality. You know that look?

I am going to word it like this,
"I want you to reside or exist inside of me."
Because that is what I mean. Not like taking up a permanent residence, but liking bringing her existence as a human inside of me in order to heal me from the inside out.
I have always felt such extreme lonliness and distortion of self. I still struggle with thinking I am a monster and I am so disgusting that I should not take up space.
I recently made some progress after a year and a half if therapy. Where I have started to have fleeting moments in my brain where I can see myself as normal, even attractive and worthy of love. But this is so fleeting. It is even hard to write these words.
So to want my therapist to come into me (kind of like a spirit) is in a way me allowing myself to be loved (in a healing context).
I love her so much. She means so much to me. I have a maternal attachment that on most days seems to destroy me and on other days fills me with joy. I think I hate her or she hates me and I think I should quit therapy. But she is very good at what she does and so I just want her there in side of me like within my heart. I did tell her a long time ago that I want her inside of my heart and she liked that. Now it has expanded to my entire being.
I think my title of this post triggered me because I do not mean it sexually in physical terms. I have a maternal transference for her, but I really need her to help me heal my sexuality because its pretty much non existent.

 

[Gamergirldelux]

I would try and think of it as more of a guide them actually being apart of you. You don't know the person.

 

[Scarlet13]

I think of it as a spirit version of my therapist, like the humaness of her. I know her, the doctor version of her.
She does trauma focused work.
My psychiatrist does more CBT and ACT and this feels more like a consciousness or a voice in my head, but my trauma t's approach to therapy feels like she is spiritually going inside of me. It feels healing.

It is going to be alright for you, because you were being honest and real with yourself. You took a risk a...

Thanks for this. I think I am showing progress with this need/feeling. It is kind of poetic and abstract and so kind of hard to describe.
I will bring it up to her and I think she will actually approve. I can let her in then maybe I can let my husband in. I think this us about me figuring out how to be a real human (so kinda relates to pinochio).

 

[Julesy]

This is a beautiful post and I soooo get it. It really resonates with me and you wrote of your deep desire for healing and connection and nurturing so succinctly and wonderfully, I applaud you for putting this out there!

I feel very similarly. For so long I wanted almost an ability to merge and combine with my very kind and loving T. I wanted to feel her healing in a very tangible, internal and soul-soothing way. I think for many of us, whether we would admit it or not, it is our first and most primitive need going back to infancy. The need to be nurtured, protected, utterly connected in oneness inside and out. Nothing hidden, everything vulnerable and soaking in safety and Love.

I know this may sound weird but this is how I think of the experiencing of God in my life. Not that our T's are God, but like they are a representation of the Divine when we connect with them on a deep and healing level. They peak inside our souls and, unafraid and undaunted by what they see, they gently hold the hope in us, until we can hold it for ourselves.

I am undergoing a form of somatic trauma therapy and it's the hardest thing I've ever done, however, it is meeting primitive needs on an instinctual level and that is not only healing, but utterly life transforming, life saving, and so deeply connective.

It's the simplest of things too. My dear motherly T who I have built trust with over 9 years has begun holding me in our sessions. Like I am a child. I cry and shake and move through all sorts of emotions as she hangs on and cradles me like a baby. It sounds ridiculous, but it is the most healing thing in the world for me. And it is accelerating my progress through what can be a long, tedious process of trauma work.

I know this is not for everyone and probably very few T's would do even do it, but those skilled in trauma work are starting to see the value in addressing the place where the trauma is held on a cellular level--the body.

If anyone is familiar with the Footprints in the Sand poem, this is the part where I feel I am carried in the very arms of God.


So, yes, I get where you are coming from. And I pray that this need can be met in a way that is meaningful and effective for you. Hold the thought of that healing and connecting in your mind for comfort. You never know how that need is going to be met down the line. Be open to the possibilities.

 

[deeplyloved]

I think the people who care about us do want us to also care about ourselves. And I think therapists do intentionally model compassion for us so we can learn to be compassionate with ourselves. I think I understand and relate to what you are saying here. I sometimes ask myself how my therapist might respond to me and how that's different from how I respond to myself. Even when she disagrees, her words are much kinder than my own. It's a worthy imitation for healing.