Hi Everyone

[gentle_breeze]

*takes a deep breath*

Hi I am Charley (Charlotte)


I am a carer of a PTSD sufferer.

I have been with my partner for 6 years now and life wasnt always as it is now.
I met my partner after a very violent relationship and like a knight in shining armour he seemed to be everything I had ever wanted. He made my life complete for the first time ever, I actually felt loved and cherished and that was a big thing for me.

My partner also suffers from a condition known as CRPS, complex regional pain syndrome. He was sent to our local pain clinic by his gp to see if they could assist with the nerve damage and the extreme amounts of pain he was in. They tested him on many types of drugs all with very different effects,none of them very positive. One drug, the name escapes me now seemed to send him into rages, cold sometimes others crazy.
Then one night I woke up and found him curled in a ball in the bed crying, he was still asleep. Now this isnt my man, 6ft 3 ex para, doorman..strong suddenly reduced to this. Each night something new, growling, screaming, kneeling in the corner of the room looking around like someone was in the room with us. Waking up to punches in the wall.

It was scarey and well shamefully I can admit to wetting myself as i was so scared seeing him like this. During the day he began to become withdrawn, staring into space,detached from me and the kids.

He got a computer game something to pass his time, Being disabled and not working he needed something. Then i started to lose him ..shut away in his room night and day, not sleeping until his body gave out. then some bright spark told him marajuna stopes you dreaming, so he began to hide away playing his game and smoking. This once proud good looking man now unshaven,dirty clothes,long hair and a little smelly.

I look back at that time now and almost miss it because now it is worse.

Now I have the rages, everything wrong in his life is my fault, I nag, i dont do this, I do too much of that. I gave up work to look after him, that was wrong but when I was working he admitted to hating it and called me such horrible names. Last week again he told me he doesnt love me, that i am a pathetic little bitch. That he hasnt loved me for years but I just wont go away. I feel so alone, he was my best friend, my everything and now..I feel empty. Her role plays in a make believe town with a make believe wife and he can quite happily tell her how much he loves her...me I dont get that..I sit alone and wait for the next day he needs to vent where he will come out of his room and talk to me.

I cant leave him, he has nobody and I love him and when the chips are down you stay and you fight things together right?

I called combat stress and the guy I spoke to was amazing he told me the options and then the words i heard so oftern "but we cannot do anything until he approaches us himself"

I am so lonely and so desperately need to be told I am loved and just a hug, then i can fight anything but now i cant, now i tred on egg shells trying to please knowing it doesnt matter what i do that he will still scream and shout when he needs to.

What can I do?

How can I show him he needs help?

Sorry for my miserable introduction but I need someone to talk to someone to help me understand what is happening to the man i love so much.

 

[QuietNow]

Charley, first off, you get a mental hug because I'm sensing that you're at the end of your rope and need to know there's someone out there.

It sounds like your partner is ex-military and is possibly being treated by the VA? You mentioned calling combat stress. The VA has groups and resources for spouses of PTSD sufferers. Are you a spouse? Can you take advantage of that? If not, there should be support groups in your area, often connected with hospitals. Call a local hospital and find out. Get in one. You are dealing with an incredible burden here.

He's using and senses your dismay. It sounds like he's trying to finally push you away so that he can self-fulfill an internalized belief in his own worthlessness. I really really want you to talk to a professional about that, even if it is only your general practitioner. This kind of situation will wear you down quickly, and it sounds like you need some support.

The CRPS, did they just try meds or did they try other therapies (TENS, spinal cord stimulation, movement therapy)? How long has it been going on? Is the pain localized in one extremity or has it jumped to other places too? Is there any sign of atrophy? He's self-medicating. Is he only doing pot or has it spread to other drugs?

You said he's venting. Does he ever talk to you as a human being or is he just verbally bashing you when he comes out to vent?

Most importantly, is he physically acting violently towards you? There is no shame in backing off from an abusive relationship. You aren't giving up, just giving him some space and allowing yourself some healing.

Please find a professional and talk to them. You need it as much as he does.

And once again, you get a hug.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Charley,

Welcome aboard. I really feel for you, I'm in a similiar situation with my bf being ex-military. It is very frustrating, I can hear it through your post.

Even though mine like your has ptsd and he's in the middle of a flair up he still treats me like a lady, he has never verbally abused me. I hope that you can take care of yourself, you may need to rethink this whole relationship if he continues with this abuse.

Carmela

 

[Jubilee]

Hi Charley, Big, Big hug for you.
Your partner may have CRPS and all the issues that go with it....but at this rate, if not all ready, you'll have PTSD. Domestic Violence comes in many forms and when you're in it you simply can't see it. Just speaking from personal experience. You don't have to leave him but you CAN take time off, spend a week somewhere else so you can re-marshall your resources. Or just a half day at the library exploring something you find interesting. Just take some time off and don't let anybody talk you out of it..including yourself.
I've been right where you are and I wish someone had told me this so that I could have given myself permission to take a break and think and be still so that I could at least hear my own voice....Take very good care of yourself dear.
Carol

 

[gentle_breeze]

Charley, first off, you get a mental hug because I'm sensing that you're at the end of your rope and need to know there's someone out there.



The CRPS, did they just try meds or did they try other therapies (TENS, spinal cord stimulation, movement therapy)? How long has it been going on? Is the pain localized in one extremity or has it jumped to other places too? Is there any sign of atrophy? He's self-medicating. Is he only doing pot or has it spread to other drugs?

You said he's venting. Does he ever talk to you as a human being or is he just verbally bashing you when he comes out to vent?

.

The crps is in his arm, basically he doesnt have a wrist its built of plates and screws and on the final operation they severed the nerve stem which kicked off the crps. He also has arturitus (spelling) so when they bone swells thats attached to the plate..well it cant and spilts. He is constently in pain. The PTSD was diagnosed about a year ago after a few years of me badgering to get him to go to the doctors. He did and then that was it nothing more.

We dont talk and when we do he is telling me all about his game, when i talk about the kids or me he seems bored and uninterested.

Last night my daughter told me that a boy at school picked on her saying that her mum was fat, i am not huge kids being cruel and all that. It hit my like a sledgehammer i have had a week of him being mean and that was the final straw i broke down into tears and he went nuts out me telling me how everything is always about my feelings and i dont listen to me, he told me he doesnt want to be anywhere near me and the sight of me makes him sick. He also told me that I have a screw loose and I need help, I probably will do after all this heh.

I just keep thinking of when i met him and how good it was and how it can be again, that gets me through.

Thank you all for being so sweet to me.

With the mention of the VA not sure thats the same in the UK but I am speaking to someone about maybe joining a support group for carers and seeing if that helps.
Again thank you all

 

[QuietNow]

Another hug

Hi Charly,
You know, anyone would be feeling depressed in a situation like that. You have kids at home. I'm assuming that since the relationship is 6 years in duration that the children are yours. He's distancing himself from you and the kids.

And you're pretty needy right now after so long alone in this. Really, pick up the phone and make that appointment with the general practitioner/primary care physician today. There's a lot of women that have issues with thyroid, and that can cause depression in itself. You should get any physical problem ruled out. Plus, the medical group can point you into some decent support with this situation.

You're in the UK. Definitely call your physician and start the process. Since you're in the UK, I'll also say 'don't miss the appointments.'

One of the absolute hardest things that I had to come to grips with myself was that though I can care about the people around me, I can't save them if they don't want to be saved. There's a lot of damage in that relationship right now, and you need something to provide a way to drain the poison. You are reaching out now, which means that you are probably about at the end of what you can handle. I'm amazed at your strength in making it 6 years in that environment.

I'm worried also about your kids being exposed to that. They need to be your first priority here, not him. It sounds like your daughter is reaching out too. You *all* need a break.

Take care, and make that call today.

 

[pebbels]

Hello Charley:hello:
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news BUT until your husband accepts that his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs help then nothing is going to change. YOU need to be looking out for and after YOU and your children at this point whilst looking for support for you. Take a break as has been suggested, sounds like you could do with one, it will be refreshing for you.:thumbs-up

Wishing you and your family all the best:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[gentle_breeze]

Thank you all for your kind posts, they really are appreciated.

Thanks for the advice quiet, My wieght isnt really a problem i am the average size in the UK and have no medical problems myself. I think i just feel utterly disgusting as a result of the continual put downs.

I am making an appointment with my GP more for a chat than anything to make sure that I am okay myself. I worry that I will slip into depression myself and that will only make matters worse.

The kids are great and both doing really well, a parents evening confirmed that my little girl is doing well and has just been excepted onto the gifted and talented register so in the top 5% in the uk. Was good to have something so positive happen.
I shelter them as best i can although i am sure some things slip through the cracks, but I accept I am not superwoman.

This morning started with an arguement and the name calling came again, pathetic and selfish blah blah..I went out and met my cousin and had a good cry that helped.

I hate seeing someone I love so much wasting away before my eyes and not be able to do anything to stop it. For all you suffers out there, I am so deeply sorry for what you have to endure each and every day and i mean no disrespect in any of my posts.

I feel so wrong moaning about my inability to handle name calling when there are those of you out there suffering the nightmares and other terrible effects of PTSD.

I have now been moved up to jnr. member so i hope to be able to get involved with the wonderful things that this forum has to offer.

Again thank you all so so much