Sufferer Forgot the parachute..? childhood trauma & national guard.

[Lössnus]

I was severely neglected and abused, mentally and physically as a child. At the age of 15 I was placed in a phostercare after my mother tried to end my life. I got diagnosed with CPTSD shortly after. I never thought about it much. I've got a thick head and strong willpower, at least so I thought. Went through several diffrent medications and treatments, from CBT to EMDR. I healed quite well, at least so I thought.

I joined the national guard while I was studying and came to the realization that the military is one of few places where I really feel like I truly belong. I was a great soldier.
Then I took my exam, and tried to apply for the army to become a full time soldier.

I was denied because of my CPTSD.
And now, I am just falling. Falling through time and space.
I don't talk to anyone unless it's through text on a screen, I don't walk outside unless it's to recieve the food I've ordered online, I barely eat to begin with, I barely sleep, I cannot keep a job, I cannot do anything.

Perhaps I can, but I don't.

It's been three years since I graduated, three years of my life that I have done nothing. And I've always kept telling myself that I'm strong for being able to keep walking, one step at a time, but am I really in the end?
A strong person can recover and keep living, I haven't done that. I dwell in a dream that I'll one day magically be okay and I can apply for the army again.

I'm infuriated at the people who were supposed to love me, raise me and give me a solid start of my life and.. at myself.

I honestly don't even truly know why I am writing this, I suppose I'm just trying to be honest with myself for once, I need to pull myself together.

I need to keep walking, one step at a time.
But I'm exhausted.

 

[AnD]

Välkommen!

 

[Lössnus]

Välkommen!

Thanks, interesting to see another swede this quickly.

 

[AnD]

I saw your nickname in the chat forum and thought, that can only be a Swede.

Sorry, to hear that you been through trauma and not be able to join the army.

I wish you well

 

[Lössnus]

I saw your nickname in the chat forum and thought, that can only be a Swede.

Sorry, to hear that you been...

Lössnus is the best snus!

I understand why they would deny someone with CPTSD, it is a risk. I do however not understand why my experience in the national guard didn't back me up.
But in the end, why don't I move on? Get another job and be happy with what I've got.

 

[AnD]

I don't know the army, so I can't answer.

I understand how your life got halted by it. It was the last straw, is my guess.

You have overcome a murder attempt by your mother, abuse, foster care, getting an education, finding your dream, having your dream taken away from you. Having PTSD is no joke.

Do you have any support at the moment?

Ta hand om dig

 

[Lössnus]

I don't want to sound like a ungreatful moron, but it's not any good support.

I get told to "get some sleep" or "try and think happy thoughts".
I'm guessing you can agree that's not quite how things work.

I've tried telling them, explaining how it is, I've even asked my best friend to read about it, but they don't understand and it almost feels like they don't want to know the true nature of PTSD.

 

[AnD]

Maybe you can find some support here, that is more helpful.

And therapy? I do EMDR. It is hell, but it has helped a lot. I see that you have done it too. Maybe you need some more help again?

Vi hörs

 

[The Albatross]

It is good that you recognize that a more structured/regimented profession would be a good fit for you. I wish here in the US there were better screenings for military admittance. Are there any other professions available like Firefighter, or ??? Were you able to keep your status for National Guard part time after you took your exams?

Maybe too, another thing to consider, so far as vocations is that you were able to study for and pass the exams necessary for full time Guard status... so maybe the same efforts would work for a different profession?

 

[Lössnus]

Never really thought of being a firefighter, paramedic or police officer.

The thing with the military is the freedom, believe it or not, there's a lot of it in the military.
You're outdoors, you hike, you shoot fun weapons, you're with likeminded people, you're all trying to serve a greater good, there's a clear chain of command and it makes the simple things in life more enjoyable.
Like a hot shower, a bed or simply a real meal of food.
Also the feeling of accomplishment when you come home from a one week field training and you've kicked butt.

No, I left the National Guard because of two reasons, I took a civilian job in order to be able to get a drivers license and I had a falling out with my second in command in my platoon. He wanted me to take a special path in the military that I did not, and since he invested so much time and resources into training me to become a good soldier I suppose he felt betrayed.
He got quite salty about it. My platoon leader however understood and was fine with it, he even wanted me to do what I did, as a drivers license would help me get the job within the military that I want. (Light Mechanized Reconnaissance)

Guard as in a security guard, I'm guessing? For companies, malls, etc etc?
I've thought about it, nothing I've really looked into however.

Maybe you can find some support here, that is more helpful.

And therapy? I do EMDR. It is hell, but it has...

I'm actually calling the doctor on monday.
My "godman" says I need to become sjukskriven (why isn't there actually a word for that in english?) and get help again.

And sorry, forgot to answer you in my previously post.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Screw the system, amirite? I started writing a reply saying I've been under foster care as well and that we could probably relate on some things there, but between then and now you got that from the chat. Welcome to the forums :)

 

[CPTSD 2]

I’m so sorry to hear about all of it, most of all that your dream was denied after such a brave long battle.
I had a similar situation with wanting to become a counsellor, due to having CPTSD that was still prevalent.
It’s totally normal to feel that way, because at the end of the day you lost something you wanted.
The fact that you’ve gone through all of that & still have hopes & aspirations. It shows how strong you are. You made it all the way to right now when others may not have. You’ve done remarkably well!
Remember that you also need time to rest & recooperarte, sometimes it just takes a little longer than others.
If you haven’t already, maybe you can see if there is any alternative parallel to your career goal, like through training or rehab within th army?
I wish you all the best