Guilt Over Wasted Time

[wonderwall]

Does anyone one have guilt issues over wasted time? As I've been suffering PTSD for 6 yrs with two breakdowns.

As I was attacked, raped and tortured for 4 days fed lots drugs. Since then I have had two breakdowns and moved, been homeless, been rehoused. Treated badly by my family who didn't come to help me when I had breakdown. So I went through this compeletely alone without help of any kind.

I have managed a couple of courses. I am sick of current flat condition as no carpet etc. I have done some decorating but feel like I'm living in building site. I broke the hoover and the fridge. I know this might seem silly but like big hassle when you are broke. Managing to keep debt in order.

I think it understandable I might be worn out.

Obviously I am upset as this is not what I had planned to be doing for 6 years of my life. I am pretty isolated as I lost contact with a lot of people. I cut off my family as they are making things worse by being emotionally abusive and negating. My sister chooses to make me feel worse by being condescending to me and wooping about her career, in a really bitch way, when I least need it. Obviously I didn't choose to stop work and have breakdowns.

So I have cut myself off from the family which I think will prove better for myself in the long run. But it is hard as I am isolated. Mainly I am enraged because I have supported them in the past.

Anyway what I was trying to say is I feel judged by people who wonder why I don't work or think I'm lazy, etc.

Basically people are judgemental idiot. I'm talking about people I don't know. Like people that live in my block etc.

Also I think I have been too hard on myself. As my father's philosphy is you must work all the time even at job you hate. Ok working is good for you, but sometimes bad things happen. I worked before this and when I was doing my degree. But I cant seem to get myself together. Obviously confidence gets a knock.

I was wondering if others are finding it hard to get it together. Also I am faced with big gap in work history. Which really I don't want to explain as I don't want to be defined by the stuff I've been through. But people seem to think you are just lazy. I went for interview a year ago to get on MA. Even though I didn't put work history. Still was it long time since you did degree.

Anyway I was wondering if any one felt same way about time passed dealing with trauma stuff.

I am trying to be easier on self about it. But not sure how to handle work gap and lack of reference.

Thanks
wonderwall:wall:

 

[Peanut1120]

I completely understand...

Wonderwall,

I completely understand how you are feeling. I am sorry to hear about your family. To be honest with you, I think even those of us that have family "support" don't truly feel supported as they don't know what we are going through. My family says "get over it" "move on" "work harder" "just ignore it". If only it were that easy. I believe that it frustrates them to not be able to help something they can't see. If you were physcially bleeding they would know what to do to stop it, since our bleeding is internal- they have no idea what to do and therefore cause more harm.

In regards to your time wasted, I am going through the same feelings. I just recently took a leave from my job. I thought about volunteering for the Red Cross but even that seemed like a hassel. There are days I just don't want to do anything....

I feel like I am at a stand-still right now. I have sought treatment and don't know what else to do to get better. I haven't finished college, I left my job, I feel like I am not getting any younger or better and should hurry up- get better and get on with life...

Whenever you wonder if anyone feels the same, just know that you're not alone!

Peanut1120

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Wonderwall!

It seems that you and I are new to this forum. If so, then I'll start by saying "welcome to the Forum!"

I've read both your posts, and my first reaction was that you have been through a lot, and are still going through a lot.

Even if I tried to imagine what you have been through, I would never be able to know exactly how you were deeply affected by your experiences.

However, I can easily relate to the kind of emotional and mental struggle you're going through right now. And this is where the beauty of a forum like this one shines through. Just knowing we can all relate to each other and not be judgmental is worth a lot.

Events that members in this Forum have experienced, either because of war, abuse, accidents, tragedies, or criminal acts can leave us feeling sad, discouraged, violated, angry, depressed, and other ways.

What I found very difficult to deal with in the past was to go through the after-effects all alone, having no one to talk to who really understood how I continued to be affected by what I went through.

You asked if anyone on here had guilt issues over wasted time. I'm not sure if you mean wasted time in the sense of "I should be living life, ie. doing something fun, interesting, productive, etc, instead of dealing with my problems and isolating myself.", or if you mean "I should be constantly trying to resolve the issues I am facing and get on with the healing."

All I can offer you are my reflections on a journey that started at age 25, and which has been going on now for 28 years.

And some of the things I came to learn from this struggle are the following:

I had to learn to become my own best friend and be kind to myself. I won't lie to you and say it was easy and that it happened overnight. It took time for do this. But it was worth it.

I had to learn to be fair to, and with, myself.

I did feel guilty if I felt I couldn't resolve an issue quickly or at all. I thought it was my fault - thinking maybe it was because I was stupid, missing something, not dealing with something. And so I learned that the human brain/mind is a very complicated machine and that today's neuroscientists are still struggling to understand it today.

And so I learned to go easy on me, give myself a bit of slack, and a bit of credit for at least trying to deal with my issues, which revolve around the world's most sophisticated computer - the human brain.

I'd sometimes literally punch myself in the head because I was so angry at myself. I hated myself and how I was/wasn't. I learned that it was ok and justifiable to be angry; that I was not Superman; that I was not responsible for what happened to me; that I was only responsible for trying my best to find healing and understanding. I also learned that it actually hurt a lot when I did punch myself (lol) so I stopped that!

I also learned that some days are not good days to self-analyze because I could be too critical of myself.

Ok, this post is getting long so I'll end here. I hope this helps you some.

Again, welcome to the Forum. I hope you will find this to be a place of comfort where it is safe for you to come to and chat with others who have struggled with their own difficult life issues.

It took time, but I did eventually get a whole lot better, saner, and healthier. But I couldn't have done it without other people. So we're here for each other, to share, relate, laugh when we can, and learn from one another.

JohnnyM

 

[wonderwall]

Hi

:thumbs-upThanks for post.
Im on that learning curve of self love was on it before the attack so I know what you mean. I am easier on myself more so than usual. Just frustrated with issues. So my post was prob little confuseing as I was upset when I wrote it.

I like myself because ive learnt to. I think this is what you were describing. Before in the grips of a breakdown I couldnt self negate because I would not have survived.
My self negation was caused by my abusive family. It takes a long time to step out of something you were brought up on.

Part of my cutting of from my family. Is because I wont tolerate the emotional abuse any longer it was not helping. I am angry as I realise how I was been negated when I least needed it, after the attack.

I deserve way better and I know it but at the time I didnt have anything in me to express that. I needed all the energy to deal with trauma.

thanks
wonderwall

 

[wonderwall]

Hi

Apparently I have written the post incorrectly. Grammer ? Explain.
Anyway I read this message from admin, not sure how to get back to it to leave reply.
I am dyslexic so if you exspect grammatically perfect stuff. It aint going to happen sorry. Spellings hmmm yes many misspell sorry.

Looks like I may have to write elsewhere. Because I dont do grammer. I dont mean this in a badway. My head dosen't work like that.
Its just I didnt come here for a telling of about the way I write.

I know my post is a bit confusing as I tend to rabble from head.
But people managed to respond.

Anyhow cant negotiate back to my message to leave reply there so im leaving it here.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi again Wonderwall,

Not sure if your last post was left for me, but if it was, please know that I wasn't critizing your writing or grammar (nor would I). Not at all. I was just trying to better understand what you wrote so that I didn't misinterpret what you did write.

I didn't find your post confusing at all.

My apologies if I gave you that impression. :(

If perfect writing was expected here, most of us would be in trouble lol

Johnny

 

[catjudo]

Wonderwall--

Please don't take it personally or get defensive. The message I sent you was pretty specific about what I was asking...spaces between paragraphs and using apostrophes were the main issues. Also, thread titles need to have the first letter of each word capitalized.

No one expects you to have perfect grammar or spelling, but the forum does have some rules that must be followed. The spacing and apostrophes make it easier for people to read your post and be able to respond. I know you said that others were able to respond but every one of those responses were posted after I edited your post.

catjudo

 

[helena]

Hi Wonderwall,

Your words are too important for anyone to fuss about grammar, spacing etc.

I read you words easily - what you have been through, not so easily read but only someone without a heart could not read your experience without pain.

I am continually made humble by what I read on this site. This is not why I came to this site - I came here to help my SO with his own pain and to help me cope with my own inadequacies as a carer (trust me, I am beyond useless at times)

I dont want to patronize anyone so please forgive me if I sound crass, but all of you who write here so eloquently and who have suffered such trauma either through childhood abuse, violence, war, etc etc are incredible human beings who, still, despite their trauma, come here to help, guide and support others.

Ptsd only effects people with souls. Souless people are not on this site - it wouldn't interest them.

 

[wonderwall]

Hi Helena

Thanks Helena I appreciate you post. I dont find you patronizing at all.
:smile:

 

[wonderwall]

Hi

Dear Johnny
Nothing to do with what you wrote. No worries.

Dear Catjudo,
As I dont remember the post before it was edited it hard to see what I did wrong. I am dyslexic I dont process language same way.

Really it seems a bit silly that the misuse of capital letter would make my post unable to read.

To be honest I find it negating.
And a bit patronizing to say it was explanatory when I dont have the original to read. I said im dyslexic.:rofl:

Really do you just want to chastise me for your own sense of self

I will be writing elsewhere.

 

[wonderwall]

Dear Johnny,
No nothing to do with anything you said. Was a Admin thing.
Sorry for misunderstanding. I am not used to posting. I put up a reply to you about self love thing. But forgot to put your name on. No the grammer thing was nothing to do with you.
Wonderwall

 

[wonderwall]

Hi

Ok sorry. I took it way too personally. But Im super stressed at minute. But relly I find writing in perfect way difficult as dyslexic.