Dom Violence I still have guilt and shame over sexual assault

[BlueWeepingRose]

It still affects me deeply. I'm so glad I'm in therapy and my therapist has been helping. The more I talk with her about it, the I can see how abusive my ex-boyfriend was, but I still have guilt and shame over the SA, there are times when I feel disgusting and I can't look at myself in the mirror. Not many of my true friends understand and some have even abandoned me or told me to get over it already. These are people whom I truly trusted, but I was wrong. This is what truly hurt me over everything. Once they did that, I felt completely lost and that's when I knew I had to get a therapist. I was tired of bottling it inside and not being heard by anyone. I had a few friends even sort of victim blame me and ask me, "Why didn't you leave?" and say other things, which I rather not post on here because it hurts thinking about it. But as anyone knows, it's hard to leave a Domestic Violence relationship sometimes. There were times when I tried to leave him, but I was deathly afraid of him. Once he poured alcohol over my head and SA, that's when I finally had the guts to leave him.

Right now I'm trying to learn to love myself who I am, and gain self-confidence. I was so low for so many years due to everything but music seems to always make me alive and safe. That's one positive thing about this, that music makes me happy. It helps me heal. My therapist is happy with how music can help me like this. I still do have trust issues and dated the wrong guy about a year ago, but now I'm focusing on myself and not looking for any kind of romantic relationship. I think I should heal before I get involved with anyone again. I will say this though, there are days when I cry so hard and have anxiety attacks, but I can tell therapy is helping and I'm having less triggers. From time to time, my ex-boyfriend will appear in my dreams though. I'm so glad I'm away from him now, I really am and I'm glad I had the courage to finally leave him, but for so long, I was terrified of him and what could happen to me. I just wanted to post this so I could be heard, and maybe someone else can relate with me in some way.

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

I noticed nobody really responded to my thread. =\

 

[Sideways]

I noticed nobody really responded to my thread.

Are there any questions you have for other members, or things you would like help with or feedback about?

 

[Movingforward10]

I noticed nobody really responded to my thread. =\

I read it, but didn’t respond as didn’t know what you wanted, and didn’t want to provide a response that wasn’t helpful.
i See that you wanted to know if anyone else related. but beyond that, I didn’t know.

my story is different, but the feelings of shame and telling people important to you what happened and dealing with their limitations in their ability to respond and support, are things I understand.
sorry for what you went through and glad you have found healing through music and therapy.

 

[Friday]

After all of my rape & sexual assault trauma was fully processed? Later rapes, including all the spousal rape the last year of my marriage, just didn’t land the same way.

I was furious about the fact that he was drugging me, because I wouldn’t sleep with him without an STD test (he cheated a lot, and that was my line in the sand, as I’d given up on his ever not-cheating; 10k -so I wouldn’t care he was buying his girlfriends CYZ, and taking them on trips, and paying their kids tuition; whilst HIS kid, and I, were scraping by- & an STD test before I’d sleep with him.

The last year before I divorced him? He decided he’d rather not do either. Moved our money offshore, so I only had 600 a month to live on, when he made low/middle 6 figures (IE 20-35,000 per month) & started drugging me, instead.

He also tried to kill me 3 times, that year.

- Pushed me into oncoming traffic,
- Pushed me down the stairs.
- Smashed me with a door, strangled me, and then smashed my head into the floor until I quit moving / was only jerking spasmodically (he was interrupted, or Inprobably wouldn’t have survived the last one.)

So I’m pretty lucky, in DV circles, that my prior history meant the spousal rape stuff? Just isn’t a big deal, to me. Domestic violence is such a big durn complicated mess, that anything being easy? Is lucky.

 

[beaneeboo]

It still affects me deeply. I'm so glad I'm in therapy and my therapist has been helping. The more I talk with her about it, the I can see how abusive my ex-boyfriend was, but I still have guilt and shame over the SA, there are times when I feel disgusting and I can't look at myself in the mirror. Not many of my true friends understand and some have even abandoned me or told me to get over it already. These are people whom I truly trusted, but I was wrong. This is what truly hurt me over everything. Once they did that, I felt completely lost and that's when I knew I had to get a therapist. I was tired of bottling it inside and not being heard by anyone. I had a few friends even sort of victim blame me and ask me, "Why didn't you leave?" and say other things, which I rather not post on here because it hurts thinking about it. But as anyone knows, it's hard to leave a Domestic Violence relationship sometimes. There were times when I tried to leave him, but I was deathly afraid of him. Once he poured alcohol over my head and SA, that's when I finally had the guts to leave him.

Right now I'm trying to learn to love myself who I am, and gain self-confidence. I was so low for so many years due to everything but music seems to always make me alive and safe. That's one positive thing about this, that music makes me happy. It helps me heal. My therapist is happy with how music can help me like this. I still do have trust issues and dated the wrong guy about a year ago, but now I'm focusing on myself and not looking for any kind of romantic relationship. I think I should heal before I get involved with anyone again. I will say this though, there are days when I cry so hard and have anxiety attacks, but I can tell therapy is helping and I'm having less triggers. From time to time, my ex-boyfriend will appear in my dreams though. I'm so glad I'm away from him now, I really am and I'm glad I had the courage to finally leave him, but for so long, I was terrified of him and what could happen to me. I just wanted to post this so I could be heard, and maybe someone else can relate with me in some way.

I'm sorry for what's been a traumatic experience.. it's great you're in therapy and have music to help you also - i relate to this... those people who aren't supportive of you, take this as an opportunity to happily not have them in your life..m you don't need that toxicity....

I also relate to the feelings of shame and disgust about myself in relation to sa (though my experiences are different to yours)... telling your story will be one of the most powerful things you do especially reframing where the shame really sits in it... and that's not with you... being able to connect with another person somewhere down the line, who respects you, makes you feel loved and encourages anything sexual within a warm supportive relationship will also be hugely healing... but baby steps right now is where its at and learning to treat yourself with love and respect first... no mean feat after sa ... but important to even just know that concept...

Take care of yourself