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Sexual Assault CSA/COCSA Guilt and Shame

chuairos

New Here
when i was around 5/6 i was sexually assaulted by a security guard on my neighborhood. he would touch my private parts with his fingers in a secluded area behind his postguard office, as a child myself i didnt know what he did to me at that time was a form of assault and i let it happen. he also had this bunch of cats in his office which makes me keep coming back there because i love cats which led to this event happening twice and i never told my parents about this.

i felt so awful and shame because when he was assaulting me i felt aroused and felt this weird sensation in my private parts that i couldnt name at that time so thats why i never complained when he was doing that to me.

fast forward a couple months/possibly a year later i was exposed to a lot of porn and sexual content since i got early access of phone, and i vividly remember while in a car i asked my younger brother (3 years younger than me) to touch my private parts since we were sitting at the very back seat of the car and he did, i cant really remember why i asked him that but i certainly can say i never forced him and i vaguely remember at that time we were treating it as playing a game and i think i was a bit influenced by what my abuser did to me (im not very sure since it has been a long time ago)

it never escalated anything from that and it only happened once or maybe twice in the car. everytime i remember those memory i hated myself and wanted to vomit, i also felt so bad for my younger brother because hes everything to me and i love him so much we've been so close ever since we were children and im so afraid that this incident hurts him mentally and all i ever want was to say im sorry

please can anyone tell me if im an abuser?? did i commited a cocsa?? what should i say to my brother without making him traumatized and hate me?? i cant live with this guilt anymore, its like theres a voice behind the back of my head that i was not that much different like my abuser and i deserve to be punished.

im 20 now and my brother is on his way to turnint 17, i've been planning to undergo a therapy this year since these memories started coming back after being repressed for years, but i just needed answers
 
please can anyone tell me if im an abuser?
You aren’t an abuser.

You were a young child, who was surviving sexual assault.
what should i say to my brother without making him traumatized and hate me?
You should tell him you love him.

And talk to a therapist. Because you don’t deserve to feel like you do. It doesn’t need to be this painful, and you don’t need to figure it out by yourself.
 
You aren’t an abuser.

You were a young child, who was surviving sexual assault.
hi, thank you for validating my trauma its just a lot to unpack and i couldn't really think straight with all the guilt that's start coming in so i started blaming myself so much more


And talk to a therapist. Because you don’t deserve to feel like you do. It doesn’t need to be this painful, and you don’t need to figure it out by yourself.

and yes i'll definitely be going to a therapy soon :) but im still in a middle of saving up recently, thank u for the advice
 
What strikes me about this post is the focus is on cocsa and you being the abuser where the real issue is you were sexually abused by an adult - a serious offence... and a knock on effect from that likely happened with your brother which you now frame as you being the main wrong-doer... you weren't abusing him. Likely trying to figure out what happened to you. But you need to address both things which happened to get straight in your head who is victim (you) and who is abuser (security guard) ... once you have things straight in your head you can address anything with your bro if that ever becomes something you need to do...

Good luck with the therapy
 
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