Open book

[Deleted member 37474]

Do you think it's possible that some things are unspeakable? Or do they just feel that way. My whol...

I think in time, you might be able to speak about it or write it down. I have read some diaries on this site, and though they can be triggering, I have found parallels to my horrible experiences. It can be comforting to know that other people survived and are also working to live their best life possible. I sometimes write stuff down or draw because it is tearing me up inside and needs to come out. When I do share things like that with my therapist, my vulnerability spikes... after I leave. I start to wonder what she thinks of me. Then, when I return the next week, she smiles and warmly welcomes me back.

 

[deeplyloved]

Thank you, Tex Cat. I finally did write it down in a trauma diary on here and have been a mess. I feel like I have little metal springs breaking and popping off of me. I wrote an email to my therapist telling her that I did finally write it down and that I was struggling. She didn't respond. We've talked about this before. She doesn't always respond to emails. I have to text or call her if I need an immediate response. But I can't let myself do that this week. That's another issue. I want to cancel my appointment tomorrow because I feel abandoned and exposed and vulnerable and I don't know how to manage it. Trying to hang on for the next hour, so then it will be too late to cancel.

I wonder how you are doing with this issue, before I took over your thread? Have you shared more openly with your therapist? How did it go? I hope you are feeling heard and seen and supported.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Thank you, Tex Cat. I finally did write it down in a trauma diary on here and have been a mess. I f...

Lol. You didn't take over my thread. The thread is for everybody. I actually copy pasted my private diary and brought a flash drive of it to therapy with me. It was 7 pages. I told her I had it but it was too long and she asked me what the most important parts were and I did give her a summary. This wasn't trauma specific. It was present day stuff that triggers me into the past. Prior to the appointment I did send her an email with some personal stuff I needed to go over. It was nice because she was prepared on what direction to take with my issues before I even got there.

She really helped me resolve some stuff and guided me on how to protect myself until she is back in town when we will get back into the emdr stuff. I think the open stuff is scary, but definitely helps the T know what direction to go.

 

[deeplyloved]

Well, now mine knows every horrible thing about me. It took me 10 months to tell her all of them. And now I guess the real work begins. Now I have to try to keep showing up and being open when all I want to do is ghost.

 

[MyWillow]

This thread popped up and it made me realise that I haven't shared much because I don't know much...those amnesic walls are incredibly rigid. At least I'm getting a handle on the whole Secondary Structural Dissociation thing but yeah it's weird for me to say stuff that I don't actually know.

 

[somerandomguy]

I have had to share really unpleasant things with every new T right up front, otherwise I might as well just be talking about sports or the weather. It's always unpleasant and never fun. Occasionally Ts have reacted negatively right off the bat - I didn't go back to those Ts, but it sure did make me feel worse.

The very first time I went to a T after my trauma, however, it took about a year to tell her about it. Up until then I just talked about feeling depressed, relationship issues, etc. which wasn't very helpful.

I've been with my current T about a year and a half and I am just now opening up about some really difficult things that it's taken me a long, long time to even uncover. I want to be an open book, but some of the pages are unreadable until other chapters are memorized first.