Advice needed - partners suicide attempt.

[AprilM]

Hi All, I'm new here.
Recently I left my partner of 4 years, I genuinely believed we would get married fairly soon and the relationship was incredibly loving and positive. However- I had become his full time carer due to his depression and alcohol/drug use and quite honestly couldn't do it anymore. I had lost myself and become deeply unhappy as he was unwilling to make any changes. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done, as anyone who has left someone they love and care for will know.

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after my partner made a suicide attempt about a month after we split - I had no idea he was this level of unhappy. He and his family, who were very much my own have placed the blame on me and I have been told to never contact them again. My ex tried to drown himself and as a result I'm no longer able to go near bodies of water and have flashback type experiences in which I imagine the event frequently (depending on the day these can range from a few times an hour to every 5 minutes.)

Can someone give me some advice - either on how to cope, how to move forward, etc. I've seen a therapist (both CBT and EMDR) but haven't made much progress with them - each time they've signed me off at the end as "dealing with the stress very well and just to get in touch if you need anything"

Thanks guys!

 

[bento]

Unless you were deliberately trying to goad him into it, or standing in the way of him
receiving care, you have zero blame. Just know you did absolutely the right thing to split up
and allow him the space to get help and move on. You can't help a drowning person
if you're drowning yourself. Sorry for the analogy. There are probably support groups
out there for supporters of suicide survivors. You could try one online maybe or a group not
in your immediate area. You could also try Adult Children of Alcoholics 12 step support
groups as there are people there who likely will have some experience with what you've
gone through. Good luck!!

 

[Recovery4Me]

Codependent Books as well as groups works for some. Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) is an 12Step Group and info is easily found on line, through Amazon, or free in libraries. As well consider requesting to see someone for evaluation for additional or some meds if the flashbacks are interfering with maintaining stability of income. Putting yourself back on the map is an number one priority as we are powerless over others.

Glad you found us and welcome to the board!

 

[Freida]

He and his family, who were very much my own have placed the blame on me and I have been told to never contact them again.

Asshats. They have no right to put that on you! You are in no way responsible for his decision and you made the right choice to get out when you did.

Can you go back to therapist and let her know that you are having these intrusive thoughts? She may not have realized it has escalated since she signed you off

 

[EveHarrington]

Keep looking for therapists.

You've barely scratched the surface with therapy.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Can someone give me some advice - either on how to cope, how to move forward, etc.

It's almost creepy how often I say "that sounds like my story" when reading threads here.

After my mental/physical crash I was with a very sick woman (looking back)...I was a very sick man. We attempted to escape the world by any means back then. We were not good for eachother and would have sank to the bottom of the ocean together if one of us didn't change or escape the relationship.

This was twenty years ago and she was 10 years my senior..she was also mentally abusive to me. I left her..after three+ years...I Literally said "If I don't get away from her you may as well bury me in the backyard right now"...and i meant it....and it was true.

a little more than a year ago I discovered she had killed herself a few months after our split...by overdose or accident, she killed herself....and I didn't open the last letter she sent to me when I left her. The 4 other letters all begged me to come back to her...etc..I assumed the letter I threw in the garbage was more of the same....so devastating...such a deep black pit in my life.

I'll never know what the letter said but I know I made the right choice back then. That's the only way I can move forward....

 

[Hollandi]

Hi All, I'm new here.
Recently I left my partner of 4 years, I genuinely believed we would get married f...

I very much doubt that your PTSD was diagnosed as a result of your ex-boyfriends attempted suicide.

Your choice to leave this 'unhappy man' displays to me your wish 'not to be a rescuer' and of course you should distance yourself from his family and wholly disregard their biased opinions. Such a man would be good for no-one - however, sexually attractive he may be.

 

[Sweetleaf]

You can't help a drowning person
if you're drowning yourself

This right here.

I said this to myself when I abandoned my psycho ex at the ER after he attempted suicide. I worded it as "you can't drown yourself to save another."

I very much doubt that your PTSD was diagnosed as a result of your ex-boyfriends attempted suicide.

Why? What makes you think that? Have you ever experienced something like that?

There's probably a lot more going into it than just that attempt, a lot more "set up" for her PTSD to develop, but experiencing something like that is something I would describe as traumatic, especially if it's so close to the split - when she likely would still feel feelings for him.

I do know how it feels for someone who you love, who you're close to, who you have strong feelings for, to try to kill themselves. I know how it feels multiple times over. Even if she had broken up with him, it was only a month later that he tried killing himself. That's not enough time to clear your feelings for a person, under most circumstances. She was able to break up with him before clearing those feelings - which is impressive and strong, I think. But that meant she probably still had feelings she was fighting with, at the time he tried killing himself.

It's really hard to overcome your feelings for another person, sometimes - even if they are very difficult to deal with, or even outright f*cking horrible. I wasn't strong enough to break up with my ex -while- having feelings for him. I had to lose those feelings first.

I was able to overcome my feelings for my psycho ex only through sheer terror, in the midst of a psychotic episode brought on by him torturing me, including heavy forced sleep deprivation (which is probably why I went psychotic). So like, during the torture, I actually still had feelings for him - which is really, really, really f*cked up to think about. I f*ckin' -snapped- though. Did a full 180. Went from trying to save him to hoping he kills himself. But, I had to basically be pushed as far as my brain and body can go to reach that point, I had to lose the feelings for him -and- have so much fear of him I was willing to risk my life, to do whatever I had to do, to get the f*ck away. The fear had to override the feelings for him, the fear of him killing me for staying with him... had to overcome the fear of him killing me for leaving him - a fear that is a huge part of my daily reality, the fear he will come to kill me. Thankfully, luck played into my hands in regards to getting myself out of that situation.

So if she was able to break up with him while still having feelings - well for one that makes her pretty strong in my opinion; that took strength to do - wise move, for sure. I imagine a month later, she'd still have feelings, and be feeling bad about it all, and him trying to kill himself at that time, would definitely have a strong affect on her, especially with his family being a bunch of f*cking idiots. It sounds like she still had contact with them, and him, if they're saying "don't contact us again" - so I imagine there was still some connection going on.

The guilt after something like that happens, can be huge, even if it's very misplaced guilt. The feelings after something like that, really can f*ck with you. Ugh, it was bad enough being guilted by my psycho ex over his suicide attempts, and ideation. If I had additional people guilting me, it would have made it even harder than it already was, to deal with.

I think it's absolutely f*cking ridiculous that his family is guilting her - like what the f*ck??? That blows my mind. That's like saying "it's okay to trap someone in a relationship by telling them you'll kill yourself if they leave, and if you leave after that you're at fault if they kill themselves!" ugh. f*ck those people.

 

[digger]

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