Downplaying accomplishments/guilt following positive feelings

[KaffeinatedKatie]

My therapist has been working with me on trying not to downplay accomplishments, and allowing myself to "feel" accomplishments. I find this so hard to do, especially because with where my life is at right now, my accomplishments are very small compared to most people. I'm unemployed due to letting anxiety/PTSD symptoms get to me in my last job, so accomplishments for me right now are things like applying for jobs, making phone calls to follow up with them, and just really small things like cleaning, etc. I haven't told my therapist how pathetic these things seem to me, because I don't want her to think I'm fishing for reassurance, and also because I'm embarrassed and I think she probably realizes that they're pathetic. That said, I do get the point of "small wins" and I understand why it is important to allow things to feel like accomplishments, since that will help me keep going. But I just find it so hard, and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if I felt this way about accomplishments before I lost my job or not, since I didn't start therapy until after I lost it and didn't notice things like this then.

Sometimes I will get on a roll and do a bunch of things ... apply for jobs, clean, etc. And I will feel somewhat happy and energized while I'm doing those things. But I feel like I hit this wall of guilt/shame as soon as I've decided to take a break or sometimes right in the middle of completing a task. CBT is really hard for this because I don't think I'm having a lot of verbal thoughts that make me feel that way. There might be flashes of some images/random feelings (not trauma related or anything, but just maybe just a general sense that something is off or that everything I just did was stupid or not worth it or I still didn't fix whatever it is inside me that needed fixing), but they are so quick that I can't recall them and I'm not sure if this always happens. It's just a general sense of uneasiness, guilt, and shame. I noticed that this happens not just after I've been "accomplishing" things, but also after I've been having any positive feelings. Maybe it's a "don't trust this positive feeling" type of thing? Or a belief that I don't deserve to be happy, or that nothing I do is good enough? It's really hard to pinpoint, because there aren't a lot of verbal thoughts surrounding the feeling ... it just seems to come out of the blue any time that I've been feeling something positive or feeling productive. I'm not even sure if guilt/shame are the right words to describe it.

I know this is something I should talk to my therapist about, but I guess I am just venting a bit and trying to gather my thoughts. I'd be curious to know if anybody else has experienced anything like this and how you would describe it. It's very, very hard for me to really articulate it.

 

[The Albatross]

Out of time this morning, will come back later k?

 

[KaffeinatedKatie]

Out of time this morning, will come back later k?

Thank you :)

 

[Freida]

e. I noticed that this happens not just after I've been "accomplishing" things, but also after I've been having any positive feelings. Maybe it's a "don't trust this positive feeling" type of thing? Or a belief that I don't deserve to be happy, or that nothing I do is good enough?

Your t sounds just like mine! She asked me once what wall I put my diploma on. I said..why would it be in a wall? I think I threw it in our safe. So she wants me to talk about if I think it's an accomplishment. I'm like....meh. Finally realized accomplishments are how I distract myself so they don't mean anything once I'm done and move on to the next one

Now I'm home on disability and my accomplishment is if I got enough rest each day. Ugh. Pathetic. But also fantastic. Very confusing. How can I be feeling good about this when I'm not doing anything?

PS. Love the name!!

 

[Friday]

CBT is really hard for this because I don't think I'm having a lot of verbal thoughts that make me feel that way. There might be flashes of some images/random feelings

I don't think in words. I think in pictures.

Which means I have to translate what I'm thinking INTO words... Or ...combat thoughts with pictures. Either way tends to work. When I need the extra distance? I'll translate into words. When I need the extra oomph, I'll use pictures.

Ex) When I want to eat my gun? I'll mentally replace the image of that, with pointing the gun away. Or holstering it.

Ex) When I'm pissed off at myself I'll argue with myself. First translating how I'm pissed off into English, and then arguing back, in English. It's an extra step, that creates distance between me & my anger which helps to slow my anger down, cool it off a bit, which -eventually- allows my arguments time to sink in.

So in the first example, I need as much oomph as possible to immediately redirect the thought. In the second example I need the distance to help allow rationality to assert itself.

The real trick for me is identifying what I need most in that moment. Which really means identifying what the thought is, and where it's coming from. Which -usually- means breaking it down afterward, so that I can recognize it the next time it happens. IE -for me- Figure out the guilt/shame piece now, so when it hits again, I can counter it effectively. (Or clumsily, but that just tells me I need to break it down again, later. That I didn't totally identify what it was or where it was coming from the first time). The more accurate I am, and the more I practice? The swifter/easier the process becomes.