I Have An Odd Question - Why Is He Only Avoiding Me?

[Clarity99]

I am still a bit lost because my boyfriend's PTSD is not from combat and he wasn't sexually abused (which seems to be the majority of suffers here).

My question is kind of odd but one that I have been thinking about. Does sex (or arousal) increase symptoms of PTSD? Maybe something to do with adrenaline? I have been researching online a bit and it does seem to correlate but I was wondering if someone else knows a little more about it.

My boyfriend doesn't want to see me but I realized last week it's not just because of his dreams (which I somehow got incorporated into). And its not because he's isolating- he enjoys social events and being with friends/family (at least as a distraction, maybe). It's just ME he can't be around.

He says he won't be able to sleep at all (even if I see him at 10am) and that he just wants to "be able to relax". Does this mean that I am his trigger? Or does even slight arousal increase adrenaline enough to set off other PTSD symptoms? Maybe I won't understand until he chooses to talk to me about it... Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I am completely lost (and somewhat hurt) because he doesn't need to avoid everyone, just me.

 

[catjudo]

Sometimes when we are dealing with an increase in PTSD symptoms we avoid those that we love the most. We realize that we don't always make the best choices or react rationally and we don't want to hurt those people in our lives who mean the most to us.

I don't know if this in any way applies to your boyfriend's current situation but thought I'd throw the possibility out there. Perhaps just looking at your situation from a different vantage point will help it to hurt less. It could be that he feels he can't relax because he has to stay extremely focused on his symptoms, surroundings and how his behavior appears to others because he wants to make sure he doesn't do or say something to hurt you.

There's really no way of knowing without discussing it with him. And you can't push him to talk about it before he's ready. Patience is really the only answer here.

 

[2quilt]

He could be trying to shelter you from his PTSD symptoms by limiting how much time he sees you in person. he may think that if you see him in his true state, with symptoms, it would make you leave him.
Try to have a heart to heart talk with him, even on the phone or get him to write you an email or a paper letter to explain why he is behaving this way; please reassure him that you love him and that his PTSD does not define him as a whole person, but is just one part of him, which you are willing to help him deal with long term, (if this is really the case).
Tell him how supportive you are willing to be. Hopefully you have been together long enough for him to have built up trust in you so he can divulge the source of his PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Having an intimate relationship with someone, when a person has PTSD adds another layer to things IMO......It changes everything, for the person with PTSD. It adds more stress, more personal responsibility, and a sense to *stand up to the plate* . Unfortunately those things are not so easy for those of us with PTSD. We have a hard enough time just trying to deal with ourselves, family and friends.

I don't think it's because we don't want the relationship. We crave love, just like everyone else, it's just that at times it also causes us a great deal of emotional pain, and we don't react well.......

I will say this though........It isn't an excuse to not work on the relationship, and at some point, he really does need to put more effort into it. If this goes on, you may want to discuss the possibility of couples counseling. If he refuses, things don't get better, you may need to re-evaluate your relationship and see if your needs are being met.

 

[mjava]

He says he won't be able to sleep at all (even if I see him at 10am) and that he just wants to "be able to relax". Does this mean that I am his trigger? Or does even slight arousal increase adrenaline enough to set off other PTSD symptoms? Maybe I won't understand until he chooses to talk to me about it... Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I am completely lost (and somewhat hurt) because he doesn't need to avoid everyone, just me.

Seems to me his thoughts would be keeping him awake?

Around boyfriends and such, I am hypersensitive to mixed messages and emotional dischord. It's nice just to 'hang' with someone and not have to worry about the technicalities of relationships and such which can be brought about by interactions themselves.

 

[Grainne]

I can relate to this post. I had a particularly bad time this past summer, managing my symptoms. My CPTSD is not related to sexual abuse, but I absolutely could not go anywhere near the idea of intimacy with my husband for months...(so many months, it makes me feel enormous guilt to even type it). I felt, and still feel, like I totally neglected my husbands needs in every way - emotional, physical, spiritual...I cast him out of my life, more or less, and spent a LOT of time hidden away in the back room of my house (where I always go to hide) while he tended to our little boy. (oh my god don't even get me started on how guilty I feel about not being everything my son needed!!!) I didn't talk to my mom, my few good friends, or anyone who loves me...really. Total isolation from loved ones. Here's the thing though. While in this funk, I was quite fine dealing with people at work. I went to meetings, talked to people...heck, I even ran a 150 person workshop without a hitch (outwardly, anyway). When I got home, however, I would run for my room. When there, I started seeking out people to connect with online and ended up spending much time chatting with this person or that person via MSN. My husband would come back to say hello every now and then and would realize that I was, technically, engaging with all kinds of people...just not him. It took some time, and much soul searching, for me to figure out what was going on. I needed not to be alone - because my thoughts, my dreams..my mind...they were eating me alive. I could NOT spend time quietly with myself because everytime I paused...every time I stopped...I would fall back to those dreams and thoughts. I was in a bad cycle. I could not engage with my husband, however, because he knew. He knew what was going on...he knew pretty much why I felt the way I felt. To talk to him, or engage, without talking about my symptoms was near impossible for me.

I remember, one Sunday in the middle of all this, I tried to have breakfast with my family. We were sitting there, having coffee, and all was fine until our son finished and left the room. When we were alone...what was there to talk about? ummm...so...how are things? How are you feeling? Why are you out of your room? Are you getting better? Do you want to do something..? Do you need me? What can I do??? His questions just killed me. Uh, yes, I love you, no I'm not ready for all this...let me try to explain...nope...can't explain...stress stress stress panic gone. Back to my room.

Anyway. I don't know if any of that made sense (I had a terrible night with dreams last night - they are just tearing me apart today) but I hope some of it did, at least. I love my husband and son...more than I can even describe, but, in that somehow, is the very reason that I need to turn away every now and then to reset myself.

I'm so sorry you are hurting and feeling rejected. I'll bet your bf is too.

Xo all the best to you,
Grainne

 

[guy3500]

I am wondering if he is getting treatment?

 

[Mina]

Does sex (or arousal) increase symptoms of PTSD?
------------
My boyfriend doesn't want to see me but I realized last week it's not just because of his dreams (which I somehow got incorporated into). And its not because he's isolating- he enjoys social events and being with friends/family (at least as a distraction, maybe). It's just ME he can't be around.

This is all just my opinion, but...

You might be the only person who causes him to feel vulnerable. And it's quite possible that he can't handle feeling like that right now, so he is avoiding you. It might seem like you are his trigger, but from my own experience, I'd say you are causing him to feel vulnerable and THAT is what is triggering to him. He may not even know it.

My PTSD stems from a dogbite, but oddly enough, my symptoms would increase whenever I got into a sexual situation with my DH. He and I finally realized it was because such situations were causing me to feel vulnerable...with all the crazy range of everything I already was and wasn't feeling, I couldn't handle feeling vulnerable with him. I got triggered by it.

Those other people, they probably don't evoke that same feeling within your bf. As his girlfriend, you fall into a different category than his family and friends. You see a different side of him than they do. You know him in a way that they don't. He probably has more of a wall with them, emotionally. You have different emotional needs than they do, and he probably feels guilty for not being able to address those needs like he wishes he could. It's probably easier for him to be around people who don't know him like you know him, who aren't looking to him as a boyfriend and partner in a relationship.

It's really, really good that you're here and asking questions. That takes a lot of courage. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[shiraz]

I would agree with Mina. PTSD is all about vulnerability and regardless of the initial trauma, the brain begins to generalize threat and 'see' danger in many situations which are unrelated to the initial trauma. Your BF may find the vulnerability of the relationship just too overwhelming and thus would need loads of space from you. You will need to seriously consider if this is OK with you as it will only improve as your BF progresses with his healing journey.

The PTSD brain battles to process well, which is why your BF might find that he can't sleep once he has seen you - his brain will not allow him to sleep as it is desperately trying to process all the events of his life, never mind just his day ... and as his brain does not have the ability to effectively process, it takes him around in circles ALL NIGHT as it attempts to analyze and solve problems and deal with the emotional arousal of relationships. It will not allow him to sleep, it will not shut off as it has had too much input for that day.

Some of us experience emotional numbing - I could not process emotions real time for most of my life, which meant that I processed them off line, usually at night, when I should have been sleeping. Then, I'd rehash all the situations of my day and add the emotional value to them - it is exhausting! Now that I am further along with my healing, I experience emotional flooding - the exact opposite, I feel everything all at once and often inappropriately for the situation ... so I need space to sort out which emotions I am experiencing and which are appropriate for the moment - also exhausting! If you BF is going through this, it is about survival ... too much input exhausts him, and although I am sure he'd love to spend time with you, it may be a huge drain on his personal resources and deplete him mentally (all that thought processing) so much that he just can't cope with it.

The PTSD healing journey is a difficult and long one and the need for support and encouragement is always intense - however, it is just never easy for us or our carers to know HOW to administer care and support effectively. As we heal we change and so do our coping skills and needs change and carers need to be attuned and tolerant to these.

If you are committed to staying with your BF, you have a long journey ahead and there are carers here who can assist you with that.

I wish you all the best!


P.S.
If your boyfriend has CPTSD (which can come from emotional abuse and/or physical threat from his childhood) he will most likely have an attachment disorder, as the trauma occurred in relationship while the juvenile brain was developing - creating a distorted view of reality and creating present difficulty in perceptions of trust, judgement, intimacy, fairness, love, rights and conflicts etc. This can be corrected in therapy over time ... carers have to be very patient with this healing journey - it can take many many years.

 

[Clarity99]

Thank you ALL so much. Because you are sharing your experiences with me, I no longer feel the need to reach out to my boyfriend to find out whats going on with him. Everything that you have shared is so, so helpful and I am beginning to understand more and more about what he is going through.

I think Mina and shiraz have especially defined our situation because I am the only person my boyfriend has gotten really vulnerable with. I am the only one he has told about his traumatic event and that was very recent - Sept 24th. This explains why it's too difficult to be around me right now. It is a break for him to see other people because they know nothing of his circumstance and he can just be care-free. At least its a break from his emotional processing. Ah, it all makes so much more sense!! I know I shouldn't take it personally but some days are better than others.

I don't want to post our whole story here but I have explained our situation in the Introduction section as "Hello- My First Post, My Boyfriend Has PTSD".

Thank you all so much.

 

[anthony]

It's just ME he can't be around.

Hi,

I'm sorry that your relationship has ended, however; I just went and read your other posts and you stated that he is firstly under 20, so still very young. He mentioned marriage months ago, which really doesn't mean anything in the scheme of things, and especially with PTSD, because his entire emotional system is overwhelmed and he is trying to work things out... he has been dealing with this for 4 years, so from age 16 (correct me if wrong) which is far too young for him to even know what he wants... and honestly, mentioning marriage under age 20, lets be serious here... he doesn't know what he wants... however; I respect your desire to try and help him, but he doesn't want your help, which you have stated.

You mention his family doesn't even know. Has he been officially diagnosed?

You are looking for things to be wrong from reading the above posts. You are trying to justify your own behaviour and even his. STOP now... you can't do that and you are getting way of the track for what a relationship should be.

If he states he does not want a relationship with you, then the only thing you can do is respect his words. Relationships begin and end every day, during marriage, before marriage, girlfriend boyfriend, etc... so mentioning marriage means nothing overall.

I can understand that you are hurting from him pushing you away, but if he is pushing you away and stating to you that he is not interested in a relationship with you, you must respect that.

You have your own decision to make, ie. if you believe he is coming back, then you can wait, or you can accept that he has left you and that you must now move on with your life.

I'm sorry, but from what I am reading above, you are now looking for excuses and justifications for yourself in order to try and heal something that he doesn't want you a part off any more. If he said he needed time or space, that is one thing, but you stated he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship (words to that affect) with you. PTSD or not... PTSD is not the reason for everything when it goes wrong. PTSD may be the reason, it may not, but you cannot just believe it is the reason. I got married the last time because of PTSD... I was ill and should not have made such decisions, and when I got better, I knew the relationship was not sustainable.

My first marriage I got married to a woman who I said I would never marry, didn't have PTSD, but got married because I wanted my child near me, which was the only way it was going to happen when I joined the military. I then left her when I returned from an operation. I had mixed emotions for a year afterwards, but knew I was in it for all the wrong reasons, even though I did fall apart at the time of leaving her, though had regained myself when I still made the decision to keep apart, as she wanted back together.

Not everything is PTSD... some things are just relationship oriented, how a person feels, and that they finally worked out that what they are in is not right for them.

Please be careful in trying to justify or find excuses for a separation... all you have is what the other is telling you and you can only base things upon that. If he wants you back later and you have moved on, then he shouldn't have left in the first place... he should have and could have stayed to work his own issues out. He didn't....

 

[Clarity99]

Hi Anthony,

Yes, I have been going back and forth and searching for a glimmer of hope. Yes, my BF is young, I completely understand that. He is the one that sought me out and convinced me to give our relationship a chance (I am several years older but we have known each other for more than a year). I know its unusual... but we had a very strong connection from the beginning, right up until his PTSD hit. He doesn't do what other teenagers do (drink, party etc) because of our Faith, and I believe that has kept him "functioning" quite well.

With that being said, I do realize that he may not work on his issues right now. He is not diagnosed and he is not in therapy, but I am the first person he's opened up to, so I'm proud of him for that much. I am aware that a relationship takes effort from both sides and honestly, I don't know if he is even capable of that right now. I may have to walk away. But this is all very recent. Our relationship was amazing until his symptoms increased and I started showing up in his nightmares... Many people mentioned the vulnerability possibly being part of it.

My original question on this post was me just trying to figure out WHY he wouldn't be able to sleep after seeing me, and the only thing I could think of was increased adrenaline setting off other symptoms. He has told me that he doesn't want me gone, but that he "cannot handle" a relationship or me being physically in his presence... So that still leaves things up in the air, in limbo, where I cannot live for too long.

I sent him an e-mail tonight (and I have been very good about not contacting him) to let him know where I stand. That I am learning about PTSD and that I am not afraid of working through it together. That I can give him all the space he needs... We'll see how he replies. Yes, I will have to take whatever he says and accept it.

Thank you for your honesty.