Very well said @Freemartin , same for me.
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Christmas as a trigger
- Post starter Muttly
- Start date
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D
Deleted member 40995
Christmas is such a rough time for me. I hate those comments when you try to explain ot people that Christmas is not an easy time for you and they say something like, "Well maybe you had bad experiences, but if you focused on other aspects of the season blah blah blah." (I have gotten that type of comment so many times :shifty: its like they think I choose to focus on the bad. If I could, I would forget all about the bad things that happened that day, Im not choosing to focus on those things)
So many triggers at Christmas, I usually felt very alone that time of year, got booted out of the house. When someone says Christmas I just get this sinking feeling and remember walking down the highway in the snow with my scarf wrapped around my face so no one would see me crying because Id been told to pack my bags and leave so the people I was staying with could have family time (it was my aunt, my mom left me with her at Christmas so she could visit my abuser). Had to spend a lot of time with abuser at Christmas (New Years too, still hate New years) and usually got abused that day and was forced to be with abuser by my mother. Christmas is also the last time I talked to my friend before she killed herself, and I still feel so guilty that I didn't notice how upset she was when she texted me that day.
I get so depressed all around Christmas, feel so alone and so hopeless and can't get through the day without tears. Everything seems to be so hopeless and the more emphasis tv and commercials put on family and Christmas the worse it is. I usually end up fighting tears all day and then eventually giving up and sobbing until I fall asleep. Its not a good holiday for me. It doesn't help that the holiday is practically shoved in our faces every year:bag:
So many triggers at Christmas, I usually felt very alone that time of year, got booted out of the house. When someone says Christmas I just get this sinking feeling and remember walking down the highway in the snow with my scarf wrapped around my face so no one would see me crying because Id been told to pack my bags and leave so the people I was staying with could have family time (it was my aunt, my mom left me with her at Christmas so she could visit my abuser). Had to spend a lot of time with abuser at Christmas (New Years too, still hate New years) and usually got abused that day and was forced to be with abuser by my mother. Christmas is also the last time I talked to my friend before she killed herself, and I still feel so guilty that I didn't notice how upset she was when she texted me that day.
I get so depressed all around Christmas, feel so alone and so hopeless and can't get through the day without tears. Everything seems to be so hopeless and the more emphasis tv and commercials put on family and Christmas the worse it is. I usually end up fighting tears all day and then eventually giving up and sobbing until I fall asleep. Its not a good holiday for me. It doesn't help that the holiday is practically shoved in our faces every year:bag:
Yes @Freemartin most of my family is dead, and I have no family of my own.
Two living sisters have threatened to contract out a hit because they think they got financially cheated (they are millionaires and vicious- not mentally ill, as most criminology states most people are actually just mean; one is terminally ill); the other relative I live with frequently threatens when drunk they will cut my throat or my head off while I sleep (that's the loving one, btw). Friends are great , provided I party and go drinking; if not I will not hear from one, pitiful as it is if I could be booked off work it would take about 2 to 3 weeks for the one I live with to realize I wasn't there, and no one else ever would, nor follow through. Which I suppose could be a handy thing. I will however get the 'regular' msg's from a guy or 2 I know looking to spend the night because, that's what people who have no one do, right? (Reminds me of my dad saying try to stay off the road driving a few days through Christmas to avoid car accidents, since only intoxicated drivers will be on the road then, every one else will be home with their families. (He used to drink.) )
Then to improve upon it, I get to go through it all again for my birthday, then New Year's. And december 7th/ 8th is the anniversary of my mom going for a spontaneous appearance of arthritis- yep it was, because turned out she had a relatively rare form of advanced cancer, an odd symptom that can go with that type, she had no other symptoms, and time left was = '10 years ago'. And oh, how prior dec 8th was such a beautiful, hopeful day for me.
And we won't get in to- 'the season of sexual assaults'.
And I fear my own and relative's jobs are on the cost-cutting chopping block. By- ironically?- { no)- the 'Christian' Right Gov't in power. Yep, mighty Christian their dictates so far, with 1000's having lost their jobs, majority privatized, while living themself in a million $+ home.
Gotta love when even a shrimp ring is a trigger.
ETA, the upside is if you aren't currently being abused atm, it's a bonus because there's no where to go/ nothing open if you don't drive/ have a car. Because bus shacks and walking not easy, our climate anywhere from -15 to -40 celsius this time of year.
Small victories. Not a blessing some would have to count, but means a lot.
Two living sisters have threatened to contract out a hit because they think they got financially cheated (they are millionaires and vicious- not mentally ill, as most criminology states most people are actually just mean; one is terminally ill); the other relative I live with frequently threatens when drunk they will cut my throat or my head off while I sleep (that's the loving one, btw). Friends are great , provided I party and go drinking; if not I will not hear from one, pitiful as it is if I could be booked off work it would take about 2 to 3 weeks for the one I live with to realize I wasn't there, and no one else ever would, nor follow through. Which I suppose could be a handy thing. I will however get the 'regular' msg's from a guy or 2 I know looking to spend the night because, that's what people who have no one do, right? (Reminds me of my dad saying try to stay off the road driving a few days through Christmas to avoid car accidents, since only intoxicated drivers will be on the road then, every one else will be home with their families. (He used to drink.) )
Then to improve upon it, I get to go through it all again for my birthday, then New Year's. And december 7th/ 8th is the anniversary of my mom going for a spontaneous appearance of arthritis- yep it was, because turned out she had a relatively rare form of advanced cancer, an odd symptom that can go with that type, she had no other symptoms, and time left was = '10 years ago'. And oh, how prior dec 8th was such a beautiful, hopeful day for me.
And we won't get in to- 'the season of sexual assaults'.
And I fear my own and relative's jobs are on the cost-cutting chopping block. By- ironically?- { no)- the 'Christian' Right Gov't in power. Yep, mighty Christian their dictates so far, with 1000's having lost their jobs, majority privatized, while living themself in a million $+ home.
Gotta love when even a shrimp ring is a trigger.
ETA, the upside is if you aren't currently being abused atm, it's a bonus because there's no where to go/ nothing open if you don't drive/ have a car. Because bus shacks and walking not easy, our climate anywhere from -15 to -40 celsius this time of year.
Small victories. Not a blessing some would have to count, but means a lot.
Last edited:
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Deleted member 41765
It was the same for me.
D
Deleted member 40995
Same here. Sometimes I can't even understand, when I see happy families together its just hard to understand and wrap my mind around it, I never had that, I can't understand what that must be like. I bet it is nice though
Freemartin
Diamond Member
^ ditto.
- Post starter
- #19
Muttly
Diamond Member
I am so happy people are using this thread. I plan to spend time reading and catching up tomorrow. Right now, I have only enough energy to get myself through work and other life have-tos.
Every night is disrupted sleep now. This is typical for this time of year.. I'm exhuasted. I'm off tomorrow.
Every night is disrupted sleep now. This is typical for this time of year.. I'm exhuasted. I'm off tomorrow.
D
Deleted member 40995
feels like every night around this time of year is a struggle :/ sleep evades me around Christmas
I have a friend.... ummm, several actually, that hates Christmas too. We chatted about that and both of us have very good reason to react over Christmas.
She said that she has called Christmas 'Peace Day' for a few years and that has really helped her to reframe it in such a way that she gets to define that day for herself. So far it is actually working for me. Every Xmas feeling that starts to invade my body I now replace with my new Peace Day feeling that I have imagined for myself.
She said that she has called Christmas 'Peace Day' for a few years and that has really helped her to reframe it in such a way that she gets to define that day for herself. So far it is actually working for me. Every Xmas feeling that starts to invade my body I now replace with my new Peace Day feeling that I have imagined for myself.
D
Deleted member 12723
I have decorated my home and am enjoying the sights of this holiday. I am pretty much staying away from the holiday and still do not have a plan of what I want to do on the day itself as I live alone need some kind of self care day. I am estranged from my family and the two grandkids have birthdays and christmas this month and I miss them so much and it is not as good as I thought I could make it for me. I will be on the forum with forum friends on the gathering thread, because that will be fun.
I just focus on my child and how fun and happy it feels to be able to give her a decent Christmas. I'm lucky for that distraction. However, I'm always nagged with loneliness and disappointment and sadness because of the holiday too, so I understand. I just ignore it for another day as a personal promise to my kid/promise to other people in my life. I want them to enjoy the holiday and not worry about me. I don't want any undue attention anyway I find it embarassing.
It's really nice to experience Christmas with a kid who still believes in it. It's sweet to see that belief, and it's a nice little relief from the darkness of the world. I wonder if you could volunteer. There are plenty of people who need help on Christmas, who feel just as lonely as we do. I mean really volunteer though.
At the very least, just take your view on Christmas in another direction. Figure out why it's important to change your thinking about Christmas/the holidays. There are plenty of good reasons: to benefit your emotional and mental health, to be considerate of those who enjoy a day intended to be celebratory (whether we personally experience it that way or not), to be respectful of others desire for enjoyment on that day.
I think of Christmas as a day for kids, that most adults dread on some level. Maybe you can widen your perspective on the holidays to give it a more lighthearted existence in your life, since we all know the pain of it isn't just going to go away....
It's really nice to experience Christmas with a kid who still believes in it. It's sweet to see that belief, and it's a nice little relief from the darkness of the world. I wonder if you could volunteer. There are plenty of people who need help on Christmas, who feel just as lonely as we do. I mean really volunteer though.
At the very least, just take your view on Christmas in another direction. Figure out why it's important to change your thinking about Christmas/the holidays. There are plenty of good reasons: to benefit your emotional and mental health, to be considerate of those who enjoy a day intended to be celebratory (whether we personally experience it that way or not), to be respectful of others desire for enjoyment on that day.
I think of Christmas as a day for kids, that most adults dread on some level. Maybe you can widen your perspective on the holidays to give it a more lighthearted existence in your life, since we all know the pain of it isn't just going to go away....
DharmaGirl
VIP Member
Well, that would be me giving that advice. I'm sorry everyone thinks it's bullshit. I have triggers around Christmas, I have lived a horror story. I decided that I would do what made me happy, and not celebrate the holiday like others. It is still hard, but I celebrate on christmas eve, we have fondue and open presents like we have since my son was born. We make sure to help someone who is more needy than we are. We never get anything extra during the year, so it is the only time we get special things. We don't do anything on the day, although I'm thinking of joining someone who is passing out gift bags for the homeless. So f*ck me and my advice, but I'm not spending the time hating, I'm doing what I want to enjoy myself and my son. I have worked hard on my recovery, almost went to the hospital several days ago for other reasons, but I am not going to let a holiday ruin my life. So I apologize for my asshole advice, it worked for me.
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