Christmas as a trigger

[Muttly]

Again, sorry if I sounded preachy. I thought breaking things down to a slightly spesh meal might be nice, but it's really just a personal thing that applies to me, because I have children to think about.
Please utterly disregard, it doesn't apply to anyone but myself and I'm sorry I framed it in a way that sounds like it does. My bad.

I never saw you sounding preachy anywhere? perhaps I missed i. If you have a way to make the the holiday work for you, that's great.

Christmas is such a rough time for me. I hate those comments when you try to explain ot people that Christmas is not an easy time for you and they say something like, "Well maybe you had bad experiences, but if you focused on other aspects of the season blah blah blah." (I have gotten that type of comment so many times :shifty: its like they think I choose to focus on the bad. If I could, I would forget all about the bad things that happened that day, Im not choosing to focus on those things)

This is what I have experienced. In fact I've been told I'm choosing to focus on the bad. If someone said that veteran's day was a hard day for them, I think they'd get more acceptance. (I don't think that's offensive to our vets, if it is I apologize and please tell me I'm an idiot :p). Even something like halloween, if someone says they don't like it they aren't going to get the same amount of flack. That's what frustrates me.

Well, that would be me giving that advice. I'm sorry everyone thinks it's bullshit...

I'm sorry if you are feeling attacked. I cant speak for others here but for me, I think it's great you've found a way to make the holiday work for you. I certainly am not going to let Christmas ruin my life. I have spent years trying to make Christmas my own holiday that I could enjoy. It made Christmas less painful, but it didn't make it happy either. For me, people who say that I just need to focus on the positives of the holiday feels invalidating. And if you have said it to others, because it worked for you, I get that. I have encountered people who are very upsetting though and don't seem to hear what I am saying. That's when it gets upsetting for me. I do think some of what I said to Rosie above is true. That this particular holiday, carries this expectation that you *must* enjoy it.

And my intent for this thread, was for people to be able to talk about the triggers of Christmas. I personally spent quite a few years working at making the holiday my own. Which meant that I focused a lot on Hannukah, since if I identify with an organized religion it would be Judaism. That helped create some positives but it didn't make my December less triggering. And that actually made things worse, in some ways, for a few years because I was working so hard at doing self-care, positive things, being around healthy people, etc and I was still a freaking mess. The thing is, I haven't worked through my holiday triggers in a meaningful way. I'm not there yet. A few days ago my boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I felt like crying, had massive anxiety, and never answered him. I took it as a learning opportunity though. "Mental note to self, the present stuff the family of origin did really was that triggering to me. Talk about this with my therapist".

 

[DharmaGirl]

I don't feel attacked, I just would like someone to say, "Dharmagirl suggested that I make the holiday into something else, that I could stand, and that's bullshit". I have said it on another thread, to people on this thread, and if I offended or upset them, I would at least like them to let me know. I know everyone isn't in the same place in their recovery, but I have noticed a lot of hate in general on this site, and a lot of sympathy with no empathy. I will leave this thread for those who need it, and I wish you all well in your recovery.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

@DharmaGirl I'm confused. I went back and looked for a post from you here and didn't see one. I, for one, would never tell anyone here that they are giving asshole advice, even if it was advice that didn't quite work for me.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

Also, @DharmaGirl I am a part of the Christmas Day thread and you've never ever offended me

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thanks, I hope you would tell me if I did. I want to know if I am being offensive.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

I never saw you sounding preachy anywhere? perhaps I missed i. If you have a way to make the the holiday...

You know, I never thought about it but you are completely right, people don’t expect you to love Halloween but if you don’t love Christmas- it’s practically a crime. And I’m sorry you’ve had the same stuff said to you before, it drives me nuts when they say you’re purposefully focusing on the bad. If I could keep from thinking about it, keep the flashbacks away, the nightmares, the tears, I would! It just isn’t that easy :/

 

[Muttly]

@DharmaGirl Ok.

I'm also confused. It seems a couple people are maybe referencing things that happened in other threads? If so, I haven't seen that thread. I have been hiding in this little corner of the forum

eta- I just saw @ShikibuZ post. I remember now that there was that Christmas thread. Still hiding over here though.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

@DharmaGirl If I thought you were being offensive I would definitely speak up, I don't shy away from that sort of thing (which often gets me in trouble ;))

 

[Nessa7]

I like Christmas. I'm wearing a Christmas sweater right now. I am also completely tense and terrified the entirety of the Christmas season. My father's first hospitalization was the day after Christmas. He was in the midst of psychosis and had shut the heat off, but I remember that I had gotten so used to it at that point that it didn't really feel cold. A channel in the US plays A Christmas Story for a full 24 hours, and we "watched" it twice while he was up and down and dashing in and out of the room. I was tired enough that I only woke up briefly when he went to try to sleep on my bedroom floor. He could only lay down for a few seconds before being up again, but I guess I was used to that too. I remember being so scared that morning that he would crash the car because he wanted to drive me to my mother's parents' house.

 

[Sideways]

, I would at least like them to let me know.

You quoted my post but my comments weren’t directed at you.

I have anniversaries that are completely unrelated to Christmas that happen to occur at Christmas. Turning trauma anniversaries into some kind of special celebration, for me? Is not great advice. I don’t celebrate my trauma, no matter ehat time of year it is. I’m struggling to just keep from being hospitalised. So, celebrating??

But again, my comments weren’t directed at you, or any of your posts, but rather to frustrations and people I deal with in the real world.

And I hope that resolves the issue, because it’s completely off topic, sorry OP.

 

[Tinyflame]

I wanted to come back here just to say (and forgive me because my perspective is a little different and I can't quite follow if/ where? there is any disagreement?), but just to say I think what @Muttly has accomplished by posting this thread is great. Just speaking only for myself, it points out how Christmas is complicated by triggers related to common parts of Christmas itself, and can dovetail with other trauma aspects, or anniversaries.

To me, my goal 1st is surviving; then making the best of moments I can; then separating trauma from now, because that's something I'm trying to do, since 'now' (or the quality of it) is all I have left. And as relates to that, I do not know if myself or any other will be here a day from now or a Christmas from now. And too, there are people who are in need now- this year may become a 'past' trauma for them, but they're directly in it now.

Just my guess, but if I can focus on other parts, it won't take away the sadness or the reminders, but it might make me a wee bit able to be actually living in my present (no matter what I choose to do), because one day this might be a memory too. I sometimes wonder if that is what the (kind, and frustrated) people who come on here (the forum) without ptsd are meaning? Not that the past is forgotten or irrelevant, nor to 'get over it (the reactions we're left with that overwhelm our resources or abilities)', but rather to 'add' (in the most realistic/ least stressful ways possible) engagement with life? So for eg, if it makes you physically ill, stay under the covers- but maybe come out one night to watch the stars? If food or clothing triggers, make new traditions. If a carol triggers, turn on some Rock or make new words to the songs, etc. Not denying or avoiding or faking it when able to be unguarded, but making accommodations instead? Not sure of the words- not living 'thru it', but 'with' it, but in a ptsd-friendly-way? (Like Shimmerville.. ? :) )

Great thread, I think, @Muttly . :hug:

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I appreciate it as well @Muttly